Buying a house with a “granny annex” and having DM move in

[cubicfeet]

Good idea?

YANBU - Yes
YABU - No

Experiences welcome :)

I’m thinking about selling up and buying a larger house with a detached granny annex. I own both my house and the house DM lives in, I lived there before moving to my current house.

DM is 60, independent and keeps herself to herself. Although she is struggling to keep up with the 3 bed house she is in as it has a large garden and she is not capable of keeping on top of it. She isn’t a rich lady and works a minimum wage job, no way could she afford a cleaner or Gardner.

It doesn’t seem a bad idea and I know she would be willing to but it’s a jump that’s not easily reversed.

She is only 60 years old! If she is struggling then surely it's better that she's near to other people and a good bus route and local shops? If the house is too much for her and you own it, wouldn't it be cheaper for you to pay for the upkeep and a gardener?

I would have thought the last thing she would want is to be stuck out in the middle of nowhere. How would she even get to work? How would she make new friends?

If it doesn't work out will it be possible to get different accommodation for your DM?

My MIL lives in our annexe. She’s 92. Is rather frail but actually still takes herself off to church every week. She sold her house, we sold ours and have bought a larger house with an annexe (reached through a door adjacent to our kitchen door). There is a small double bedroom, a shower room/toilet and an all in one kitchen/dining living space.
I adore her, and her me. She is the closest thing to still having my own mum.
I wfh and have the back door open and she has hers open (summer obvs), she’ll pop her head round a few times a day but to be honest she does her own thing mostly. She comes in to us for tea a few times a week and always on a Sunday.
It works for us, she is not difficult and we all feel relieved we are together.

60 is not an age to post on the elderly parents board.

Im 58, I’m not elderly.

So you are really asking if you and she would make good rural neighbours not housemates.

If you are investing in a small rural house for her
^ is she moving away from her friends and local area, it can be harder to make friends later in life
^ to future proof it needs to be wheelchair friendly from the driveway to kitchen, bedroom, bathroom and garden.
^ assume that your mum will not be able to drive and be dependant on the local public transport for everything food shopping to access to medical appointments, is that possible or would she end up house bound without you providing transport

^ you are limiting the number of available carers who will have access to a car and will have to travel longer distances to provide inhome care; this will mean as she becomes more dependant you could end up sole carer for a highly dependant parent.

Not saying it would not work out but you need to think about from now to end of life care. If you are lucky any children you have will be well grown if not you are managing two or more high dependants with very different needs.

60 isn't elderly, but if this is going to be a permanent move, then it's worth considering what the future may look like. She won't stay young and independent forever, and if OP is the nearest relative, she'll likely find herself responsible for arranging care (or doing it herself) which could have a serious impact on her partner and kids.

It's certainly something worth thinking about.

If she has under £23k savings she could get carers when necc even in your annex as it's yours . I doubt she will need it for years anyway

Thank you. It’s good to hear all sides.

DM doesn’t drive but doesn’t like going out so a rural place actually suits her.

I could pay for a gardener and cleaner true. Although to be fair she is already getting free accommodation.

OP, how would you feel if your mother met someone and moved in a partner to the free accommodation etc.?

I'm going by experience with my Mother in Law here.

“So you are really asking if you and she would make good rural neighbours not housemates.”

Well put, that’s the best way to think of it.

Still good points on what happens later on.

@RethinkingLife

id be delighted for her if he’s a good man.

Would she be relying on you for socialisation? How would she get to her job?

Does she work? Does she have health concerns that mean she needs additional support?

perhaps selling the house she lives in and buying a flat or bungalow with a much smaller garden, which is closer to you might work better than all on the same property? She’s got plenty of years in her yet! And you’re only 32, your life will get busier if you have kids, change job etc?

It’s a bit early to be thinking about this?

Who has suggested this arrangement, you or both of you?

That's the starting point.

If you are concerned about her ability to do the garden etc. then in time agree to sell her house, and let her choose a smaller property that is future proofed in the event that she gets ill. It would still be in your name of course.

All I can say is that if she is considered vulnerable and elderly at 60, (60?????), well there is no hope for me! I live alone, three bed, large garden, great neighbours, and no way would I move into an annexe at 65 (my age now).

I have an enduring power of attorney so my attorneys will make all decisions for me should I get ill and become incompetent. If I stay ok and feel the house is too much, I'd sell and move to a bungalow nearby. Lots of former neighbours have done this. They are in their 80s.

Rural can make it harder for her to be independent- what happens once/if she can’t drive, will she be able to walk or catch a bus to facilities like doctors, library, shops, cafes? Will she have any social circle except you and your partner? Will you struggle to get carers if you need them (can be an issue if you’re remote)? Can she get to work still? Does she actually want to do this?

FWIW I watched my “independent”, “never wanted to be a burden”, “keep themselves to themselves” Grandparents as they aged - they changed. Once they got elderly and frail (albeit much much older than sixty!) they got scared, their social circle got ever smaller, they got physically less capable and they became very needy, demanding, quite child like and bluntly, selfish. Still nice and lovely people but expected a lot of caring for. (And that was before one had dementia which was a whole other dimension.) I don’t think that’s uncommon and I see my parents, who just as my grandparents did swear that after the experience of their parents they’ll never be like that, going exactly the same way.

I also wouldn’t underestimate how you having children might change how you feel - I am far more “territorial” for want of a better word now I have my own children and while I have good relationships with my parents and in-laws they are more complicated than they were.

If she’s only sixty, still independent and working and the only reason you are considering it is the garden, can you afford to pay for a gardener for her? Or even sell her house and buy a flat with a terrace for her to live in? It just seems a big decision with a lot of potential for future unhappiness, to solve a relatively minor issue - I’d happily help house my parents in a financial sense (though it’s unlikely they’d need my help) but I wouldn’t house them with me.

If she doesnt drive and youre in a rural location will she feel isolated - or does she already live in the area anyway?

Could it be possilbe to sell the house and buy her a flat or smaller house that keeps her independence?

Thanks again. I’m going to reread all comments.

she doesn’t socialise other than with very close family members and then only briefly as she finds it hard.

she mostly talks to her sister and mother by phone

i probably cocked it up by saying annex, without sounding like an arsehole it’s more a small bungalow in the grounds of a larger house.

at the moment she lives around an hour from me and about the same from my brother

she mentioned living at the bottom of my garden ages ago, not for the first time. Also she tells me she is worried about dying and no one realising for weeks.

she is a capable women but to be fair she works full time and the garden is around 1/3 acre and has trees, hedges, flower beds.

selling and buying her a flat did cross my mind although may as well go for ground floor which limits the options.

also she does want a garden

Do you need to sell her house in order to move to the one you really want?

What is the annual price of a gardener?

What is your relationship like and how has it been in the past and how might it develop in the future?

For me personally, I’d rather clean public toilets all weekend for minimum wage to pay for a gardener but that’s MY relationship with MY mother.

Is it just the large garden she is having trouble with?

Is moving her to a (for example) smaller bungalow with a much smaller garden a solution?

Is she lonely?

I’d work really hard on answering these questions before I did anything. And can you get a gardener in temporarily while you mull it all over?

Re her fear of dying and not being found, get her to text or email every day. And if you don’t hear from her by 11am you’ll investigate. Would that make her feel better?

My mum and I contemplated throwing in our hands together when I divorced and we even looked at a few but in the end, at that point in her mid-70s and still working, she decided it wasn't what she wanted.

8 years later I was grateful. As her dementia advanced she became very difficult to manage and my only options were to care for her or out her in a home. I really don't think I could have cared for her - it was a truly awful time in my life and a dreadful decision to have e to make. I do feel if she had been under the same roof, it would have been even harder. I would urge you to consider the long term and the what-ifs before making a decision.

If your relationship is good, then I would say 'go for it'! I always wanted to do that but sadly my mum died before I got a chance.

What happens if you want to move in the future and she is nicely settled in her annex? If you are planning to move to the country won't that isolate her? Does she drive? Even if she doesn't see local friends, she may still want to pop to the shops or wherever. She may be happy to move to somewhere near you but surely it would be more sensible for her to be in a small village/town with services nearby.

@DatingIsDifficult

Do you need to sell her house in order to move to the one you really want?

It would help and be beneficial financially to only have one house. But it’s not going to make a big difference to my life.

What is the annual price of a gardener?

It would be about £3,000 a year.

What is your relationship like and how has it been in the past and how might it develop in the future?

Yeah it’s fine, I’ve never had any issues. She’s not perfect but she always did the best for us as a single mum and always put us first.

For me personally, I’d rather clean public toilets all weekend for minimum wage to pay for a gardener but that’s MY relationship with MY mother.

Is it just the large garden she is having trouble with?

Yep the house is clean and tidy, she’s stopped using rooms to keep it easier to manage.

Is moving her to a (for example) smaller bungalow with a much smaller garden a solution?

Maybe. Finding one isn’t easy and they have large plots.

Is she lonely?

She isn’t lonely.

I’d work really hard on answering these questions before I did anything. And can you get a gardener in temporarily while you mull it all over?

the gardener will probably have to happen as I don’t want to spend more of my days off helping out

There is no way I would do this in your shoes!

Suppose you do enter into a relationship and also have kids? You would probably want to move at some stage, for schools, somewhere bigger, yours or partners job…

60 is no age.

How accessible is the small house, both in terms of facilities and actually getting to it? I raise this because it’s very common where I live to have grandma in a little bungalow at the end of the garden but come winter they all have to move into the main house rather than struggle along the garden path in the snow and ice/slippery leaves. And would she find it disruptive to move now then perhaps have to move again if the house can’t be customised for future accessibility needs?