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AIBU?

DH surprise touching my breasts?

110 replies

HelloSunshine2 · 06/08/2022 09:38

Sorry for title.... didn't know how to describe it.

Been with DH 10+ years and the same argument crops up now and then. DH likes to put his hand up my top when I'm not expecting it, I.e. in the kitchen with kids in the next room. Or I'll be lying in bed reading and he'll just start twiddling my nipple, or last night I was almost asleep and he decided to start stroking my nipple out of the blue (the conversation before turning light off to sleep had been about his work so not at all romantic).

I am self conscious about my breasts and also as a mum of three young kids I don't appreciate unexpected/ unwanted touching as I am usually touched out. I've told DH I need romance and a build up to intimacy, so I'm not sure what he's expecting from these interactions. We are cuddly so there is affection but we're not intimate frequently (about once every two/three weeks).

After last night's surprise 'tweaking' he got defensive by my reaction to move away as I was just about to nod off. He told me he thinks I'm weird and that a husband should be able to touch his wife when he wants and i should enjoy it.

I think sometimes he does it to be playful and other times I think it's his way of coming onto me, but it's always out of the blue and he knows I don't like it.

Am I weird or is he overstepping the boundaries?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

417 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
6%
You are NOT being unreasonable
94%
roarfeckingroarr · 06/08/2022 13:33

I hate anyone twiddling my nipple and would probably involuntarily punched him by now.

Do you have daughters? What's he teaching them about consent?

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Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 13:36

drawacircleroundit · 06/08/2022 13:29

I know what you mean. But enthusiastic consent has to start somewhere - could this by the DH’s fumbled attempts at doing this?
I get the OP, too - when you don’t want to, you don’t want to - but I think their problem sounds like poor communication (on both sides) rather that a sexual assault. Unless a massive drip feed is about to spill all over me!

I'm sorry but as far as I am concerned the 'he knows I don't like it' absolutely flips it into the sexual assault territory.

My DH tried groping my boobs without any warning early in our relationship. It was a fair thing to try as I have no issues with him touching other areas, but I realised after a couple of times that I didn't really like it. I told him I didn't like it and well over a decade later he has never done it again. That is the normal response to being told your partner doesn't like something.

he told me he thinks I'm weird and that a husband should be able to touch his wife when he wants and i should enjoy it

And this - this is the type of stuff men who rape their wives come out with. Its actually chilling to read it. He's not only ordering his wife to allow him to touch her where ever and whenever he wants (because this is after her moving away when he touched her and she didn't want it) he's basically demanding that she enjoys it.

There is no planet where this should be normalised behaviour.

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Notanotherwindow · 06/08/2022 13:36

Poke him in the nuts when hes trying to sleep and tell him that as his wife you feel you have the right to touch him whenever you want. Wanker.

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Cherchezlaspice · 06/08/2022 13:36

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 12:20

Yeah

i suppose I just thought that rather than dozens and dozens of posts agreeing that the OP isn’t BU, I I think we ALL agree on that. It may be interesting to discuss how relationships get to that point.

Never mind

Please explain how telling us you love it when your husband touches your nipples relates to OP’s DH consistently sexually assaulting her.

Then explain how that statement begins or contributes to a discussion on ‘how relationships get to that point’ (of consistent assault).

With your ‘professional’ head on, please.

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WhereYouLeftIt · 06/08/2022 13:37

"He told me he thinks I'm weird and that a husband should be able to touch his wife when he wants and i should enjoy it."
So he doesn't see you as a person in your own right, just a fucktoy / his personal property. What a prick.

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SpidersFuckOff · 06/08/2022 13:39

Clymene · 06/08/2022 12:31

What does this mean then @TheGetaway?

I understand that he sounds entitled and that you don’t like it, however, I’m surprised that so many posters wouldn’t find this a turn on. I love my DH doing this.

That's exactly what you said.

And it's kind of like another way of saying what her husband did, that it's weird she doesn't enjoy her tits being grabbed or groped out of the blue.

I didn't pick up on it being a comment to discuss how he got the point of thinking unwanted touching is ok, the answer to that is entitlement, unless it was meant in a how did op get to the point she doesn't like her boobs groped out of the blue, that's easy, plenty don't like it to start with. Decent men don't keep doing something they know makes their loved ones uncomfortable and it's not women a jobs to put up with it and explore why.

This is just one of a few threads recently like this and there's always some women saying they are sexually aroused by what they bloke is forcing on his partner. Does it help instead, to think of a sexual act you don't enjoy and then imagine the person you're supposed to be able to trust and who is supposed to love you, ignoring you when you've say you don't like or want to do that? and keeps trying to, for example, stick his finger up your arse and tells you you're weird because loads of women like that and that because is your partner he's allowed to? If you were distressed and upset that he kept doing that, how helpful and supportive would it be to have other women tell you they're shocked you don't like it because they love anal stuff.

It doesn't matter what women and men find sexually arousing in their consensual sexual relationships, everyone is different and has different things they don't like, it's not relevant if other women like their tits being grabbed, this woman doesn't and her partner knows she doesn't but does in anyway. Its not closed minded to think the OPs thread reaching out for support is an appropriate place to discuss the different things people find a turn on in a respectful consensual sexual interaction and why some women and men don't like certain things, theres a sex topic for that.


This is a thread where it's fully unwanted and not consensual and has been made clear she does not like it, I don't I will what the "professional" role is but I hope it's not couples counselling because that type of response to a woman disclosing this stuff would make a bloke like this use their therapists words agains her too "the therapist finds it sexually arousing, even she's shocked you don't like it"

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Cherchezlaspice · 06/08/2022 13:40

drawacircleroundit · 06/08/2022 13:29

I know what you mean. But enthusiastic consent has to start somewhere - could this by the DH’s fumbled attempts at doing this?
I get the OP, too - when you don’t want to, you don’t want to - but I think their problem sounds like poor communication (on both sides) rather that a sexual assault. Unless a massive drip feed is about to spill all over me!

She told him she didn’t want to. His response?

He told me he thinks I'm weird and that a husband should be able to touch his wife when he wants and i should enjoy it

You think the problem here is poor communication? And that this is how enthusiastic consent starts? And this scenario causes you to pity men? Not the women who are dealing with this nonsense?

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SpidersFuckOff · 06/08/2022 13:43

You aren't weird, he's a cunt and I'm sorry you can't even be free to relax in your own home or lie in your own bed without being on high alert for hands off the man who is supposed to love and care about you making their way up your top. You don't have to put up with this.

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Whitehorsegirl · 06/08/2022 13:45

''He told me he thinks I'm weird and that a husband should be able to touch his wife when he wants and i should enjoy it.''

I find this shocking and creepy. You are not one of his possessions...

You made it clear to him what your boundaries/wishes were and he is ignoring them.

I personally would reconsider the relationship. He is a sex pest with some really sick views of marriage and of women...

Do you have a daughter/daughters with him? are you happy for them to grow up around a man who see women as objects?

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2bazookas · 06/08/2022 13:52

a husband should be able to touch his wife when he wants and i should enjoy it

Can a wife do the same? So next time you're both with his boss, mother, sister, best friend, you can put your hands down DH's pants and give him a twirl?

Try it and see.

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SpidersFuckOff · 06/08/2022 13:54

I know what you mean. But enthusiastic consent has to start somewhere - could this by the DH’s fumbled attempts at doing this?

He's been told she doesn't like it but keeps doing it? And his response when she repeats she doesn't like it is to that is to call her weird and say a husband should be able to touch his wife whenever he wants.

Enthusiastic consent never starts by repeatedly doing something you know your sexual partner does not like and has asked you not to do, a genuine fumbled mistaken attempt he'd apologise for upsetting her and say he will not do it again, not to tell her she should be allowed to touch her whenever he wants because she's his wife.

He's also not only doing this to initiate sex but at at times when she's in the kitchen and the kids are in the next room, what's his excuse for that then?

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BigButtons · 06/08/2022 13:54

No one should ever touch you if you don’t want to be touched- ever.

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PermanentTemporary · 06/08/2022 14:02

The number of men who genuinely think grabbing a women's nipples is 'romantic' is zero. They do it because they like doing it. The decent ones listen if/when they're told their partner doesn't like it.

An option would be an absolute banshee scream of fury, seriously top volume, when he does this. Because after all, it's your right to make any sound you like in your own home, regardless of people's feelings. If he says WTF ask him if he can hear you now when you say you don't like it.

Of course many of us are struck dumb when someone does this sort of stuff. But if you find you're not...

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Alfenstein · 06/08/2022 14:04

PermanentTemporary · 06/08/2022 14:02

The number of men who genuinely think grabbing a women's nipples is 'romantic' is zero. They do it because they like doing it. The decent ones listen if/when they're told their partner doesn't like it.

An option would be an absolute banshee scream of fury, seriously top volume, when he does this. Because after all, it's your right to make any sound you like in your own home, regardless of people's feelings. If he says WTF ask him if he can hear you now when you say you don't like it.

Of course many of us are struck dumb when someone does this sort of stuff. But if you find you're not...

Quite an odd statement

Some women enjoy this

Many don't

The OP doesn't and her husband feels he can do what he likes which is the issue here

You don't however speak for all women to claim none of them like it.

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saddowizca · 06/08/2022 14:05

Not acceptable at all.

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PermanentTemporary · 06/08/2022 14:05

I didn't say none of them like it, if you read it again. I'm responding to the OP, who doesn't.

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Ladyof2022 · 06/08/2022 14:06

Ugh. He sees your body as his personal playground. Soooo off putting!

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Whynow2021 · 06/08/2022 14:07

I’m surprised that so many posters wouldn’t find this a turn on. I love my DH doing this.

Good for you. The OP doesn't like it, hence, the post..

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pinkfondu · 06/08/2022 14:07

My exh used to do this total ick.

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Alfenstein · 06/08/2022 14:08

PermanentTemporary · 06/08/2022 14:05

I didn't say none of them like it, if you read it again. I'm responding to the OP, who doesn't.

Some women enjoy this

Therefore the people who are with said women might indeed think it's romantic

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Dalekjastninerels · 06/08/2022 14:08

OP

If you don't like it that is all he needs to know.

Some women like this, some don't.

You don't , so he should not do it.

He should respect your boundaries.

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WaveyHair · 06/08/2022 14:09

I accidentally broke an ex partners nose when he did this with no warning. He learnt to give me a heads up when he was planning on having a rummage around there.

p.s. and it was a genuine accident, I have sharp reflexes.

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LilyMarshall · 06/08/2022 14:11

(he thinks) that a husband should be able to touch his wife when he wants
Like marital rape? Thankfully the law has changed and he doesn't just get to touch his wife, or anyone else, when he wants. What a prick.

he knows you do not like it. He knows you do not want him to do this. He doesnt care because he thinks a husband should have the right to do what he wants to his wife.

id be looking very carefully, with blinkers off, at the rest of his behaviour. Is he an equal parent? Is he an equal adult in the house? Is he demanding or controlling in any other way?

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newtb · 06/08/2022 14:15

Sourds as if he's treating you as an activité centre, like the ones you canbput on the bars of a baby's cot. Yuck!!

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Quartz2208 · 06/08/2022 14:34

But the issue isnt whether or not some women like it or not though is it - or even what he did.

It is the fact that he think he has a right to do it whenever HE wants completely removing bodily autonomy from the OP alongside a demand that she enjoys it

I suspect those who enjoy it do so because they know that if it is at a moment they dont want to it will stop and move on. Their partner accept that.

@TheGetaway it is clear I think here that 10 years of telling him it is not for her he still pays no attention and thinks that it is his right

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