Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH surprise touching my breasts?

110 replies

HelloSunshine2 · 06/08/2022 09:38

Sorry for title.... didn't know how to describe it.

Been with DH 10+ years and the same argument crops up now and then. DH likes to put his hand up my top when I'm not expecting it, I.e. in the kitchen with kids in the next room. Or I'll be lying in bed reading and he'll just start twiddling my nipple, or last night I was almost asleep and he decided to start stroking my nipple out of the blue (the conversation before turning light off to sleep had been about his work so not at all romantic).

I am self conscious about my breasts and also as a mum of three young kids I don't appreciate unexpected/ unwanted touching as I am usually touched out. I've told DH I need romance and a build up to intimacy, so I'm not sure what he's expecting from these interactions. We are cuddly so there is affection but we're not intimate frequently (about once every two/three weeks).

After last night's surprise 'tweaking' he got defensive by my reaction to move away as I was just about to nod off. He told me he thinks I'm weird and that a husband should be able to touch his wife when he wants and i should enjoy it.

I think sometimes he does it to be playful and other times I think it's his way of coming onto me, but it's always out of the blue and he knows I don't like it.

Am I weird or is he overstepping the boundaries?

OP posts:
iklboo · 06/08/2022 11:31

The one time DH tried twiddling my nipple with no warning I told him he wasn't tuning in a fucking radio so stop it.

Summerhasbeenandgone · 06/08/2022 11:44

Tool box beside the bed op.
Surely you should be allowed to squeeze his balls with pliers should you wish to?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/08/2022 11:46

Start putting your hands up his shirt and twiddling his nipple. You're his wife and it's your right to be able to do that.

Clymene · 06/08/2022 11:50

Unwanted sexual touching is assault. Rape and sexual assault within marriage was outlawed in 2003.

His behaviour is disgusting and his response to you even worse. I would seriously be questioning my marriage in your shoes.

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 11:50

Going against the grain here.
I understand that he sounds entitled and that you don’t like it, however, I’m surprised that so many posters wouldn’t find this a turn on. I love my DH doing this.

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 11:51

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 06/08/2022 11:46

Start putting your hands up his shirt and twiddling his nipple. You're his wife and it's your right to be able to do that.

I suspect that’s what he’s hoping she will do

Cherchezlaspice · 06/08/2022 11:54

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 11:50

Going against the grain here.
I understand that he sounds entitled and that you don’t like it, however, I’m surprised that so many posters wouldn’t find this a turn on. I love my DH doing this.

She’s asked him to stop and he hasn’t. That’s what the post is about. Most women don’t find it a turn on to have their bodily autonomy ignored.

The fact that you love your DH twiddling your nipples is wholly irrelevant to what’s being discussed. You realise this, surely?

YouAreNotBatman · 06/08/2022 11:54

YANBU, at all.

But why, WHY, is there so many men who (when crossing boundaries, creepy behaviour, being a sex pest…etc) do they all seem to say the woman is being weird, prude, frigid etc, or that all men want / are like this?

Is there women going arounf harrassing men / bad behaviour and just saying all women want this or blaming the man for being uptight?

It’s so strange!

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 11:56

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 11:50

Going against the grain here.
I understand that he sounds entitled and that you don’t like it, however, I’m surprised that so many posters wouldn’t find this a turn on. I love my DH doing this.

I do find it odd when the OP is clearly about sexual assault and a poster has to come along and go 'going against the grain I would love it if my DP did this'

I mean most of us enjoy sex but we don't come on rape threads going 'going against the grain but I love PIV sex'..... 🙄

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 11:59

YouAreNotBatman · 06/08/2022 11:54

YANBU, at all.

But why, WHY, is there so many men who (when crossing boundaries, creepy behaviour, being a sex pest…etc) do they all seem to say the woman is being weird, prude, frigid etc, or that all men want / are like this?

Is there women going arounf harrassing men / bad behaviour and just saying all women want this or blaming the man for being uptight?

It’s so strange!

Porn

Porn is not entirely to blame, lets face it martial rape might only have been illegal for a short time but I'm pretty sure it goes back to the dawn of humans.

However, I think men thinking women are weird if they aren't instantly aroused and eager for sex if they get their nipple tweaked unexpectedly is because porn tells them that women should be begging for sex when this happens.

Ergo - really life normal women who just want to get some frigging sleep without a sex pest touching them must be 'weird'

Cherchezlaspice · 06/08/2022 11:59

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 11:56

I do find it odd when the OP is clearly about sexual assault and a poster has to come along and go 'going against the grain I would love it if my DP did this'

I mean most of us enjoy sex but we don't come on rape threads going 'going against the grain but I love PIV sex'..... 🙄

Show quote history

Exactly!

Clymene · 06/08/2022 11:59

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 11:50

Going against the grain here.
I understand that he sounds entitled and that you don’t like it, however, I’m surprised that so many posters wouldn’t find this a turn on. I love my DH doing this.

Read the fucking room

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 11:59

Cherchezlaspice · 06/08/2022 11:54

She’s asked him to stop and he hasn’t. That’s what the post is about. Most women don’t find it a turn on to have their bodily autonomy ignored.

The fact that you love your DH twiddling your nipples is wholly irrelevant to what’s being discussed. You realise this, surely?

Show quote history

Of course, and that’s why I stated that in my post.

i also expressed my surprise that most posters don’t like it or find it a turn on. I’m allowed to say that, you’re not the thread police

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/08/2022 12:03

This is sexual assault whether you are married or not. Unacceptable and would make me want to leave.

Chasingsquirrels · 06/08/2022 12:05

Obviously you are not being unreasonable.

What I don't understand is how people get to this point, it isn't a short relationship that this has just occurred in, you have been with this man long enough to get married and have children and it doesn't sound like a new thing.

How do people not say "don't do that, I don't like it" the 1st time followed by "don't fucking do that, I've already told you I don't like it" the 2nd time followed by ending the relationship by the 5th time (at the latest, being overly generous).

This doesn't help you with what you do now OP, other than getting BLOODY FURIOUS with him - which you should be.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 06/08/2022 12:08

i also expressed my surprise that most posters don’t like it or find it a turn on. I’m allowed to say that, you’re not the thread police

Again, you are missing the point. Done consensually this could well be a turn on. Done repeatedly when he's been told she doesn't like it is (a) assault and (b) not a turn on.

2become1times2 · 06/08/2022 12:10

I would literally tell him to fuck off out my space and the 2nd time after that he’d be gone
what a creep
ask if he’d like his daughter to be treated like that by her apparently loving partner

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 12:11

DisplayPurposesOnly · 06/08/2022 12:08

i also expressed my surprise that most posters don’t like it or find it a turn on. I’m allowed to say that, you’re not the thread police

Again, you are missing the point. Done consensually this could well be a turn on. Done repeatedly when he's been told she doesn't like it is (a) assault and (b) not a turn on.

Yes, well done. I think we’ve ascertained that already and everyone on the thread is in agreement.

Natty13 · 06/08/2022 12:13

My ex used to do this and was of the same attitude of he should be able to touch me when he wanted.

I'm not one for explaining over and over expecting someone to listen. After 2 clear conversations about how I feel of they still don't listen I take action. So I took to poking him in the bum at times when he wouldn't expect it. Doing dishes, in front of the bathroom mirror looking up his nose, bending over to look in a low cupboard...happened a few times before he confronted me about it and I used his exact words that I should be allowed to touch him how and when I wanted.

gamerchick · 06/08/2022 12:14

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 11:59

Of course, and that’s why I stated that in my post.

i also expressed my surprise that most posters don’t like it or find it a turn on. I’m allowed to say that, you’re not the thread police

Show quote history

Telling someone to stop doing something and they carried on is abusive. It doesn't matter how low your bar is.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 06/08/2022 12:15

i always think this type of behavior is an act of aggression.

Cherchezlaspice · 06/08/2022 12:15

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 11:59

Of course, and that’s why I stated that in my post.

i also expressed my surprise that most posters don’t like it or find it a turn on. I’m allowed to say that, you’re not the thread police

Show quote history

You’re ‘allowed’ to say whatever you want, and we’re allowed to think you’re being ridiculous and tell you why.

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 12:20

Yeah

i suppose I just thought that rather than dozens and dozens of posts agreeing that the OP isn’t BU, I I think we ALL agree on that. It may be interesting to discuss how relationships get to that point.

Never mind

Clymene · 06/08/2022 12:21

Really @TheGetaway? A woman posts to say that her husband regularly sexually assaults her and your response is to say that you'd enjoy it and what's her problem?

And now you're doubling down.

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 12:23

Clymene · 06/08/2022 12:21

Really @TheGetaway? A woman posts to say that her husband regularly sexually assaults her and your response is to say that you'd enjoy it and what's her problem?

And now you're doubling down.

Really @Clymene?

I did not say that at all.

Swipe left for the next trending thread