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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH surprise touching my breasts?

110 replies

HelloSunshine2 · 06/08/2022 09:38

Sorry for title.... didn't know how to describe it.

Been with DH 10+ years and the same argument crops up now and then. DH likes to put his hand up my top when I'm not expecting it, I.e. in the kitchen with kids in the next room. Or I'll be lying in bed reading and he'll just start twiddling my nipple, or last night I was almost asleep and he decided to start stroking my nipple out of the blue (the conversation before turning light off to sleep had been about his work so not at all romantic).

I am self conscious about my breasts and also as a mum of three young kids I don't appreciate unexpected/ unwanted touching as I am usually touched out. I've told DH I need romance and a build up to intimacy, so I'm not sure what he's expecting from these interactions. We are cuddly so there is affection but we're not intimate frequently (about once every two/three weeks).

After last night's surprise 'tweaking' he got defensive by my reaction to move away as I was just about to nod off. He told me he thinks I'm weird and that a husband should be able to touch his wife when he wants and i should enjoy it.

I think sometimes he does it to be playful and other times I think it's his way of coming onto me, but it's always out of the blue and he knows I don't like it.

Am I weird or is he overstepping the boundaries?

OP posts:
Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 12:24

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 12:20

Yeah

i suppose I just thought that rather than dozens and dozens of posts agreeing that the OP isn’t BU, I I think we ALL agree on that. It may be interesting to discuss how relationships get to that point.

Never mind

You didn't 'discuss how relationships got to that point'

You launched into a conversation about how you would like it if your DH did the thing that the OP's DH was doing to assault her. Its in poor taste and totally besides the point of the thread.

Besides which, you might have thought your post was 'interesting' but this thread isn't a nice little thought experiment for you, the OP is being sexually assaulted and the rest of us are supporting her in that.

As @Clymene said - read the fucking room

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 12:29

Ok. Closed minds and all that.

I will move on as have my professional head on and it’s obviously misplaced here. Finding out how we got to a certain point is invariably a solution out.

Clymene · 06/08/2022 12:31

What does this mean then @TheGetaway?

I understand that he sounds entitled and that you don’t like it, however, I’m surprised that so many posters wouldn’t find this a turn on. I love my DH doing this.

That's exactly what you said.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 12:33

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 12:29

Ok. Closed minds and all that.

I will move on as have my professional head on and it’s obviously misplaced here. Finding out how we got to a certain point is invariably a solution out.

If this is your 'professional head' I sincerely hope I never meet you in a 'professional' capacity

But again as you are clearly missing the point. Telling everyone on the thread that you would like it if your DH touched your nipples unexpectedly is not the same as finding out how the relationship got to this point.

Had you actually asked that, you would have got sone very different responses.

But sure, there's us with our closed minds clearly not clever enough to follow your professional reasoning 🙄

JamSandwich89 · 06/08/2022 12:33

My husband use to do this to me in the early days of our relationship. I told him I didn't like it once. He apologised and has never done it since. This is what your husband should be doing.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2022 12:34

He told me he thinks I'm weird and that a husband should be able to touch his wife when he wants and i should enjoy it.

I would divorce my husband if he ever said that to me. That's the way a sexual predator thinks.

Clymene · 06/08/2022 12:36

I hate to think what kind of profession thinks consent is closed mindedness Hmm

Meraas · 06/08/2022 12:37

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 12:20

Yeah

i suppose I just thought that rather than dozens and dozens of posts agreeing that the OP isn’t BU, I I think we ALL agree on that. It may be interesting to discuss how relationships get to that point.

Never mind

But that’s not what your posts have been about. Confused They’re just about how you find it a turn on, which minimises OP’s problem.

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 12:38

Clymene · 06/08/2022 12:31

What does this mean then @TheGetaway?

I understand that he sounds entitled and that you don’t like it, however, I’m surprised that so many posters wouldn’t find this a turn on. I love my DH doing this.

That's exactly what you said.

Yep.
I didn’t ask the OP ‘what’s her problem’

Anyway, it’s not really helping the OP by derailing the thread and focussing on having a go at me instead. Perhaps you should ‘read the room’ as it’s really not helpful.

Meraas · 06/08/2022 12:39

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 12:29

Ok. Closed minds and all that.

I will move on as have my professional head on and it’s obviously misplaced here. Finding out how we got to a certain point is invariably a solution out.

Again, none of your posts have been about trying to find out how OP and her husband got to this point.

It’s just been you acting like a cool wife.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 06/08/2022 12:39

It is a power play and an act of aggression which is why he does not listen to you when you tell him you don't like it. Try screaming in his face next time he does it.

johnd2 · 06/08/2022 12:44

He told me he thinks I'm weird and that a husband should be able to touch his wife when he wants

I was already at maximum wtf at this point at his lack of understanding of bodily autonomy, then I read the rest of the sentence and it got way worse

and i should enjoy it.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 12:45

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 12:38

Yep.
I didn’t ask the OP ‘what’s her problem’

Anyway, it’s not really helping the OP by derailing the thread and focussing on having a go at me instead. Perhaps you should ‘read the room’ as it’s really not helpful.

Show quote history

It is always helpful on threads if someone comes along minimising sexual assault to challenge them on it and not let it stand

Otherwise as OP who might be on the fence about whether her DH's behaviour is wrong or not might have read your post and thought 'oh shit maybe he's right and I should enjoy this' or if not the OP then someone else in the same position reading the thread

Challenging rape apologists and their ilk is always helpful

whatshouldIdo2022 · 06/08/2022 12:48

Massively overstepping and this would hugely put me off him. Comes across as he thinks he has a right to your body whenever he likes and idly touching you when you've asked him not to is his way of reminding you/asserting his 'right '.

daisyjgrey · 06/08/2022 12:50

He told me he thinks I'm weird and that a husband should be able to touch his wife when he wants and i should enjoy it.

That's an immediate fuck off from me.

johnd2 · 06/08/2022 13:03

Challenging rape apologists and their ilk is always helpful

Agree, thanks @Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits

HappyBinosaur · 06/08/2022 13:05

Yanbu
My husband of 17 years and I can be quite touchy feely but not randomly being groped when I’m doing a household job and certainly not when I’ve said no.

I would suggest having a strong word with him but it appears you’ve already done that and he hasn’t listened. He sounds grim and you really do deserve better than this x

Wishihadanalgorithm · 06/08/2022 13:05

You have said no and he continues to do this. It is clearly assault. I do t think I could stand town in the same room as this POS.

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 13:14

So now I’m a rape apologist.

Righto

drawacircleroundit · 06/08/2022 13:19

Wishihadanalgorithm · 06/08/2022 13:05

You have said no and he continues to do this. It is clearly assault. I do t think I could stand town in the same room as this POS.

“I've told DH I need romance and a build up to intimacy” is not the same as her saying no.
Her DH might think that what he’s doing is a romantic build up to intimacy.
I haven’t rtft but the description in the OP seems so far removed from the “assault” you claim that I pity the men sometimes.

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 13:21

TheGetaway · 06/08/2022 13:14

So now I’m a rape apologist.

Righto

To be fair I was including you in the 'and their ilk' part of that sentence

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 13:24

drawacircleroundit · 06/08/2022 13:19

“I've told DH I need romance and a build up to intimacy” is not the same as her saying no.
Her DH might think that what he’s doing is a romantic build up to intimacy.
I haven’t rtft but the description in the OP seems so far removed from the “assault” you claim that I pity the men sometimes.

Show quote history

he knows I don't like it
he got defensive by my reaction to move away
he told me he thinks I'm weird and that a husband should be able to touch his wife when he wants and i should enjoy it
same argument

None of this sounds like enthusiastic consent to me. The DH in this scenario is not the one I am pitying.

CounsellorTroi · 06/08/2022 13:26

YANBU. He knows you don’t like it, therefore he shouldn’t do it. You are not his toy, whatever he seems to think.

drawacircleroundit · 06/08/2022 13:29

Sheepreallylikerichteabiscuits · 06/08/2022 13:24

he knows I don't like it
he got defensive by my reaction to move away
he told me he thinks I'm weird and that a husband should be able to touch his wife when he wants and i should enjoy it
same argument

None of this sounds like enthusiastic consent to me. The DH in this scenario is not the one I am pitying.

Show quote history

I know what you mean. But enthusiastic consent has to start somewhere - could this by the DH’s fumbled attempts at doing this?
I get the OP, too - when you don’t want to, you don’t want to - but I think their problem sounds like poor communication (on both sides) rather that a sexual assault. Unless a massive drip feed is about to spill all over me!

Topseyt123 · 06/08/2022 13:30

Anyone who did that to me when I had expressly said I didn't like it might well get a slap in the face and be shown the door.

Your DH has no rights over your body, contrary to what he seems to think. You are not being weird at all.

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