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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding, husband and flower girls

337 replies

Harrishoole · 05/08/2022 10:43

Brother in law is getting married in an hour and a half; never been on mumsnet, don't know what to do. Feel as if I am going to vomit.

Checked into hotel to find sister-in-law with her cousins and bridesmaids and two bloody flower girls.

Our two girls are not invited.

It became very obvious to me and mother-in-law that my children were not going to be invited to the wedding, logically none of our business but it was hurtful and upsetting. I thought my husband would be accepting but he was completely offended. He approached Brother-in-law who spoke to sister-in -law. Kids not invited.

Pandemic took over and when wedding was planned again both MiL and husband spoke again but no kids. BiL admitted this was SiL as he had left all planning to her.

Husband is best man. I don't know if I should ring him and warn him and MiL. I am scared there will be an atmosphere when they walk in.

OP posts:
Cruisebabe · 05/08/2022 17:28

Alfenstein · 05/08/2022 10:54

YABU and dramatic

It's their wedding, they're allowed to invite who they like

Your children were not on that list

It was extremely rude for your husband to ask about it before too!

Agree wholeheartedly with Alfenstein It’s their day their choice. I only had adult bridesmaids when I married in 1980, my sister blew a gasket about it an has then refused to speak to me for the last 40 years. Such a sad person.

butterflied · 05/08/2022 17:30

RuthBrenner · 05/08/2022 17:15

I might just add this to the batshit beliefs thread.

Show quote history

😂

WhimsicalGubbins · 05/08/2022 17:31

Yogagrandmum · 05/08/2022 16:04

It’s odd not having children at weddings. I thought getting married was all about having children…

And the prize for most idiotic comment on the whole thread goes to…….

yonce · 05/08/2022 17:36

OP is probably either loudly vomiting throughout the speeches in protest of the terrible marred day supported by MIL giving her a hand hold, or is pissed singing sweet Caroline texting the baby sitter that she'll be late home 😂

AllyCatTown · 05/08/2022 17:45

It’s their day but it’s just good manners when asked if nieces can come to mention that other children will be there, instead of just saying no children.

How did it go OP? Were you correct? Was your husband annoyed?

Personally I think if there are children at the wedding it’s not nice to not invite nieces especially if uncle is best man but it is their choice.

SuperPets · 05/08/2022 17:51

ClocksGoingBackwards · 05/08/2022 10:50

Your new SIL is making herself popular in her new family then?

How horrible of her to include children in her own side of the family but not her husbands. If that’s the sort of person she is, I feel sorry for your BIL.

Her new family are bonkers drama llamas and if she has any sense she doesnt want to endear herself!

DonateBloodNCheckSmokeAlarms · 05/08/2022 18:12

I'd leave tbh.
No way I could wish them well after such a snub.
Your kids should have been there and as flower girls too.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 05/08/2022 18:17

I understand you op and I understand the wanting to vomit comment. Hope it all turned out well in the end and there was no drama.

Purplepurse · 05/08/2022 18:18

I'm amazed at how many posters seem to think its normal to leave out a siblings children from their wedding. I dont know anyone who has ever done this and I've been to loads of weddings because I'm old!

brianixon · 05/08/2022 18:19

It seems strange to me that children are excluded from so many family events. Is this because British children are usually badly behaved?
A wedding means that a new person, an outsider is joining and being welcomed into the existing wider family.
To exclude the youngest group of that family is so strange as to be weird.
The new member should take the opportunity to meet everyone who is part of that family.
For the Bride or Groom to dictate who they want to be friends with before meeting them is starting off on the wrong foot.

Brefugee · 05/08/2022 18:26

Has never been on MN 'til today, but understands the lingo used, such as 'flamed'.

This seems to have cropped up a few times. Can an old internet warhorse from the Olden Days point out that "flamed" and "flaming" have been interwebz parlance since the beginning and are not exclusive to this site.

OP - how did it go?

SuperPets · 05/08/2022 18:31

Yogagrandmum · 05/08/2022 16:04

It’s odd not having children at weddings. I thought getting married was all about having children…

You didn't really, did you? You don't seem quite that dimwitted.

Outlyingtrout · 05/08/2022 18:35

burnoutbabe · 05/08/2022 16:06

If they're not overly close and BIL is not overly involved with your kids, then I don't understand why everyone is so put out that they're excluded? It's fairly typical for weddings to be child-free with the exception of children in the wedding party and there's no reason why the bride should feel unable to include children she is very close with just to appease BIL's family when he doesn't have those kind of relationships on his side.

Even if true, its making a fairly clear statement to the world - i am not close/bothered about my brothers kids and quite happy to not see them if i can avoid it.

i mean most uncles and aunts probably don't want to make that sort of statement, even if they are a bit meh about the kids in day to day terms. i certainly would be very aware of what my sister would think if i excluded my nephew from any wedding but invited the equivalent on my partners side ("oh but they have a role so its different" really would not wash with most families)

But they're the bride's flower girls. They're her wedding party. It would be different I suppose if her nephews were page boys for BIL whilst his own nephews weren't even invited.

I'm not saying it's something I would particularly do myself with nieces and nephews, and I can see why it would perhaps raise eyebrows, but certainly not to the extent OP has expressed. If they're not close, they're not close. I'm from a big family so I know how it snowballs and when you invite such-and-such you also have to invite such-and-such on the other side. If we'd invited the equivalent cousins/aunties/uncles etc on both sides just because we'd invited their counterpart on the other side of the family, we'd have had about 50% more guests and we didn't want that (and couldn't have afforded it).

goldfinchonthelawn · 05/08/2022 18:54

No children except the flower girls. So no children at the wedding in general? That's fine. Please don;t be the person who makes someone else's wedding all about herself.

aSofaNearYou · 05/08/2022 19:00

brianixon · 05/08/2022 18:19

It seems strange to me that children are excluded from so many family events. Is this because British children are usually badly behaved?
A wedding means that a new person, an outsider is joining and being welcomed into the existing wider family.
To exclude the youngest group of that family is so strange as to be weird.
The new member should take the opportunity to meet everyone who is part of that family.
For the Bride or Groom to dictate who they want to be friends with before meeting them is starting off on the wrong foot.

I'm sure they've already met.

NumberTheory · 05/08/2022 19:05

I can see why this would be hurtful, OP. Their wedding their choice doesn’t mean their choices don’t reflect the value they place on you and your family and their relationship with you and you would be foolish not to consider what they have clearly shown you. Your BiL is a total dick for not getting involved in the details and recognizing the social capital that family events like weddings build (or destroy).

LadyDanburysCane · 05/08/2022 19:28

I’ve only been to one child free wedding. It meant DH and I had to do shifts, one of us went to the ceremony & meal and then one of us went to the evening.

Funny how that couple refuse to go to ANY event unless the children they now have are invited ……..

My DD went to her first wedding at 3 yo and had a great time. Not even a relatives wedding but DH was best man.

Jalepenojello · 05/08/2022 20:20

This is really really normal in “adult only” weddings. Kids in the actual wedding are an exception. This has been the same to most weddings I’ve been to as nearly all have been “adult” only

KTheGrey · 05/08/2022 20:22

@Yogagrandmum
Yeah, weddings in my family are always churchy and there's always a bit of sermonising about children and how they hope the marriage wil be blessed with them. I think it's mean spirited not to invite children who are part of family in any case. This one definitely seems a snub.

Gymrabbit · 05/08/2022 20:28

Jalepenojello

what you say is partially true - so I made sure that all close family children were in the wedding party - I wouldn’t dream of having kids from my side and exclude my partners’s close family children.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2022 20:33

LadyDanburysCane · 05/08/2022 19:28

I’ve only been to one child free wedding. It meant DH and I had to do shifts, one of us went to the ceremony & meal and then one of us went to the evening.

Funny how that couple refuse to go to ANY event unless the children they now have are invited ……..

My DD went to her first wedding at 3 yo and had a great time. Not even a relatives wedding but DH was best man.

Not the first time I’ve read the couple change their view once they have children.

PaperLanterns · 05/08/2022 20:42

Well, I’d just be celebrating the fact that I was child free with an excuse for day drinking, tbh. Kids are annoying at a wedding - at least you are free of yours for a few hours where you can eat your meal in peace and chug a couple of wines!

girlmom21 · 05/08/2022 20:43

SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 05/08/2022 16:44

Has never been on MN 'til today, but understands the lingo used, such as 'flamed'.
Sure, OP; sure.

You can use the internet without using Mumsnet. It's not the only website on the internet that uses the same terminology.

AWobABobBob · 05/08/2022 20:50

brianixon · 05/08/2022 18:19

It seems strange to me that children are excluded from so many family events. Is this because British children are usually badly behaved?
A wedding means that a new person, an outsider is joining and being welcomed into the existing wider family.
To exclude the youngest group of that family is so strange as to be weird.
The new member should take the opportunity to meet everyone who is part of that family.
For the Bride or Groom to dictate who they want to be friends with before meeting them is starting off on the wrong foot.

No.

It's because it's fucking expensive having to accommodate children who have no interest in sitting through a serious ceremony, a formal meal and a late night. Accommodating them could mean that an adult misses out on a place due to budget constraints.

Hbh17 · 05/08/2022 21:07

Dear Lord, who would actually give a about any of this trivial nonsense!