Did DD deserve to be told off??

[PillowFeather]

My sister came around earlier. DD (9) was being quite animated dancing around in the living room. I went to make a cup of coffee and just as I walked back into the room I heard my sister say “don’t come clarting around me!”. DD stopped dancing, gave a nervous laugh then retreated upstairs to her room. I shouted up that I’d made her a drink and got no reply so I went up to find her crying. I asked what was wrong and she shouted at me to go away.

I went back downstairs and asked my sister what had happened and she said “she was doing that stupid dance around me and I can’t be arsed with it, she needs to grow up”.

DD is quite immature for her age and it doesn’t help that my niece (sisters DD) is the same age but mature for her age. Niece is spending the holidays hanging out with friends whereas DD doesn’t have any friends 😞

I can’t get it out of my head, I think DD was embarrassed and I don’t think she deserved to be told off?! Or am I being soft?

[Staynow]

Instead of basically telling her to back off why didn't she ask her to come and sit down and tell her what she'd been doing or say let's play a game or show me some of your toys? That's what a decent relative with a clue about children would do IMO. I'm amazed at people expecting the 9 year old child to act in certain ways - but then not expecting the aunt to model good behaviour to the child if she wasn't doing what she thought was 'appropriate'.

She sounds like a miserable cow of an aunt to me. Mind you from the replies on here it sounds like there's a lot of them about. I was a sensitive child and this would have upset me too, we don't want kids to grow up too fast but we don't like it when they act like children either. Just because she hasn't been diagnosed as ND doesn't mean she isn't either. Give your lovely daughter a big hug OP and tell your sister if she wants to be such a miserable cow then not to bother coming round.

[Dixiechickonhols]

It’s much kinder to try and address now rather than wait until secondary school and she’s visibly struggling.

[Backtobacknow]

@Isaidnoalready

She is fucking 9 not 19 they all piss about dancing

Seriously I would be more concerned about an overly mature child than an immature one

100% this!

[Greenleaf22]

I think you need to get a grip and so does your child, she wasn’t told off and had no reason to cry. She’s far too sensitive and it’s no wonder teachers can’t say anything to kids without them going home in the huff and in general adults can’t cope with life as they are brought up wrapped in cotton wool. Everyone that thinks your sister is in the wrong also need to get a grip.

[Alfenstein]

@Staynow

Instead of basically telling her to back off why didn't she ask her to come and sit down and tell her what she'd been doing or say let's play a game or show me some of your toys? That's what a decent relative with a clue about children would do IMO. I'm amazed at people expecting the 9 year old child to act in certain ways - but then not expecting the aunt to model good behaviour to the child if she wasn't doing what she thought was 'appropriate'.

She sounds like a miserable cow of an aunt to me. Mind you from the replies on here it sounds like there's a lot of them about. I was a sensitive child and this would have upset me too, we don't want kids to grow up too fast but we don't like it when they act like children either. Just because she hasn't been diagnosed as ND doesn't mean she isn't either. Give your lovely daughter a big hug OP and tell your sister if she wants to be such a miserable cow then not to bother coming round.

I'd presume it's because the aunt has been regularly annoyed by the OPs DD and therefore her patience is thin.

Or knows that trying to distract or talk calmly to her won't work (not all that far fetched based on the way OP has described her DD)

[KettrickenSmiled]

Oh so it's the family's fault no other child wants to be friends with her?

Bullshit

Maybe you don't know how scapegoating works, or are unfamiliar with the dynamics of family dysfunction. If that's the case, I'm happy for you @Alfenstein, but no need to blame a small child for acting like a small child when her close family is so unpleasant to her.

[peaceandharmonyinalltheworlddd]

@plinkypots

I I think I'd be more worried that there could be additional needs. It's not normal to not have friends or be able to participate in group activities without being told off.

Agree with this totally. Your dad dealt with it wrong. No question about that. But perhaps you could have a gentle talk one on one and find out what's really going on, as children can be ruthless sometimes and pick on kids for any reason and for her talking like a baby, getting told off etc etc may be affecting her ability to make friends. it's quite unusual for a 9 year old to be talking like a baby.

[Alfenstein]

@KettrickenSmiled

Oh so it's the family's fault no other child wants to be friends with her?

Bullshit

Maybe you don't know how scapegoating works, or are unfamiliar with the dynamics of family dysfunction. If that's the case, I'm happy for you @Alfenstein, but no need to blame a small child for acting like a small child when her close family is so unpleasant to her.

Clearly she isn't acting like a small child if every other 9 year old she has come into contact with doesn't want to be friends with her.

The family are feeding back on her behaviour. They are not the cause of the behaviour.

The OP is solely in the firing line for this as she should be helping her DD, supporting her to make friends, helping her develop resilience and at times standing her ground with her own family.

[M340]

@Peashoots

Doesn’t sound like she was really told off, your daughter sounds very sensitive. It’s telling to me that several family members are irritated by her and that she has no friends. The baby voice would irritate the hell out of me. It’s a shame for her OP but i would try and help her to learn social cues and realise when she’s irritating people rather than being defensive over it.

Yeah I agree with this

[KettrickenSmiled]

The family are feeding back on her behaviour. They are not the cause of the behaviour.

You don't know that.
Even if you are a child psychologist, you wouldn't know that - because you have not met the child or observed the family.

[Lovemypeaceandquiet]

I use to babysit a girl like your daughter @PillowFeather . She was doing my head in as a 8/9 year old. Baby voice, mannerisms, dancing around the house way past the bedtime. She clearly lived in her own world. I’ve found her on FB recently - she turned into beautiful and talented 19 year old young woman.

It might be that your daughter is like this girl - neuro typical, just chooses to live in her own reality. She’ll grow out of it.

If she’s neuro diverse, then that’s her way of interacting with the world, nothing you can do about it probably.

Either way, the adults should not aim to destroy her imaginary world. For whatever reason, she’s happy in it. If she’s not sociable but doesn’t want to, then there’s no harm really.

I’d ask GP if you’re concerned about ASD. Girls can often present like your daughter.

[Greenleaf22]

@Mamai90

Jesus, there are some right grumpy aul fuckers on here! And plenty think it's OK to be unkind to a child who is low on confidence.

I love my nephews to absolute pieces, I'd be building them up if they were sensitive and lacking confidence. You really see the ugly side of humanity on this site!

So when anything ever irritates you it’s okay for you to be called a grumpy fucker is it? The sister wasn’t unkind to the kid, she’s told her don’t come clarting around me and the kids too soft, end of. What is unkind is people on here slagging someone’s sister off (that’s can’t defend herself) and calling her a twat which is worse than what the sister said to the child and OP should be more offended by people on here than her sister.

[Alfenstein]

@KettrickenSmiled

The family are feeding back on her behaviour. They are not the cause of the behaviour.

You don't know that.
Even if you are a child psychologist, you wouldn't know that - because you have not met the child or observed the family.

The same principle applies to your assertion the family are to blame. You don't know them

[Brefugee]

The common denominator is OP's family.
Just from this thread, we know it contains at least 3 members who regularly talk down to, berate & mock DD.

There is no evidence, unless OP is going to come in now with a massive drip-feed, that the family are doing anything of the sort.
Not to diminish scapegoating but don't be quick to label it that either.

The aunt said - maybe in a bit more of an exasperated tone than the DD is used to - not to dance near her (note: did not say don't dance, no matter how the DD interpreted that)

The grandfather made the comments in the presence of others - there is absolutely nothing in any of the posts to suggest they did anything akin to forming a ring round the DD and point and laugh. Merely that the Grandad, maybe also exasperated, told her to stop doing something. Uncomfortable? for the DD for sure. For the OP - possibly she is coming to realise that not everyone finds her child as endearing as she does. I'd be uncomfortable to.

However: it is not "not a grandparent's place" to bring up this behaviour is. Or is the only MN-Think allowed and that is only the parents bring up the child and are allowed to be anything other than gushingly positive towards them? (which is horseshit). It does take a village. As we know sometimes a child will take things on board when someone other than a parent picks them up on it.

[whumpthereitis]

@TulipDay

Well perhaps the niece could be taught to improve her manners and social skills by saying "I don't feel like playing right now" rather than telling a 9 year old they are childish for wanting to play. I'm sure they will be happy to take criticism about their social skills given they are more than happy to all give it out to the OP's dd

The niece doesn’t sound like she’s the one with friendship issues that’s in immediate need of it. She probably could have been kinder, but it’s not unusual for people (child or adult) to snap when their patience has well and truly been worn thin.

All the posters keen to attack the niece and family and telling OP there’s absolutely no issue with her DD, when it’s quite obvious that there is, aren’t going to be the ones dealing with an unhappy friendless child as she ages and struggles to make social connections. The world isn’t suddenly going to change on her account, and carrying on as she is isn’t currently, and isn’t going to, help her.

[whumpthereitis]

@Alfenstein

The same principle applies to your assertion the family are to blame. You don't know them

I don’t think the poster was saying it’s definitely the child. Maybe it is all the family’s fault, but maybe it’s not. The fact that the DD is friendless does suggest there is an issue here though, and for her DD’s sake OP really should explore what the deeper issues are and how she can help her daughter.

No one can say exactly what is going on here, so there’s no point anyone saying ‘it’s definitely this’ and speaking with an authority we don’t have.

[sunsetsandsandybeaches]

The common denominator is OP's family.

That doesn't explain why numerous out-of-school activity co-ordinators who have also told her off for similar behaviour, and why she struggles to make friends outside of the family unit, though.

It's not the fault of the 9yo by any means, though.

[antelopevalley]

If the DD had lots of friends and happily went to clubs, I would think the issue is with the family.
But it is clear there are wider issues and the DD needs more support to address these issues.

[Calibrachoa]

The niece should not be immune from being picked up on her unkind comment because she's got friends. I'm sure we all remember unkind kids at school who had a bunch of mates around them. If it's fine for the OP's dd to be constantly criticised I'm sure they will be fine with the niece having unkindness pointed out too. Unless they are the type to dish it out but not be able to take it back of course!

[antelopevalley]

@Calibrachoa

The niece should not be immune from being picked up on her unkind comment because she's got friends. I'm sure we all remember unkind kids at school who had a bunch of mates around them. If it's fine for the OP's dd to be constantly criticised I'm sure they will be fine with the niece having unkindness pointed out too. Unless they are the type to dish it out but not be able to take it back of course!

It is fine for the niece to have this pointed out.
But you are seeing the comments as criticism of the DD. They are not. People are simply recognising that the DD needs more support around social skills. She is still a young child and needs additional help to learn these skills.

[whumpthereitis]

@Calibrachoa

The niece should not be immune from being picked up on her unkind comment because she's got friends. I'm sure we all remember unkind kids at school who had a bunch of mates around them. If it's fine for the OP's dd to be constantly criticised I'm sure they will be fine with the niece having unkindness pointed out too. Unless they are the type to dish it out but not be able to take it back of course!

That’s fine. I’m not saying the niece is immune, and if OP wants to address the comment with her sister then she can. What I’m saying is that out of the two of them, it’s OP’s DD that is having the same issues over and over again. Rather than deflect onto the niece, maybe she should focus on that?

The niece’s comment may not actually make her a terrible human being (as some seem to be suggesting), but a frustrated one. I don’t know anyone that hasn’t snapped at least once on frustration, and that’s just adults who have developed social skills, never mind a nine year old. Context does actually matter.

The posters that are very quick to make allowances for one child based on relatively little information are very quick to demonize another based on even less.

[Alfenstein]

@whumpthereitis

My point is what's more likely

OPs DD is totally fine and is acting like any other 9 year old, her family, every child she has ever met or interacted with and every class/club instructor is being mean/is out to get her.

Or that the OPs DD is acting in a way that's pushing others away or annoying them and everyone around her is reacting to that. Badly in some cases but the initial cause is the OPs DD and her behaviour.

Anyone who genuinely believes it's the former needs to give their head a wobble.

[Calibrachoa]

@whumpthereitis

That’s fine. I’m not saying the niece is immune, and if OP wants to address the comment with her sister then she can. What I’m saying is that out of the two of them, it’s OP’s DD that is having the same issues over and over again. Rather than deflect onto the niece, maybe she should focus on that?

The niece’s comment may not actually make her a terrible human being (as some seem to be suggesting), but a frustrated one. I don’t know anyone that hasn’t snapped at least once on frustration, and that’s just adults who have developed social skills, never mind a nine year old. Context does actually matter.

The posters that are very quick to make allowances for one child based on relatively little information are very quick to demonize another based on even less.

Who has demonised the niece or called her a terrible human being please?

[whumpthereitis]

@Alfenstein

@whumpthereitis

My point is what's more likely

OPs DD is totally fine and is acting like any other 9 year old, her family, every child she has ever met or interacted with and every class/club instructor is being mean/is out to get her.

Or that the OPs DD is acting in a way that's pushing others away or annoying them and everyone around her is reacting to that. Badly in some cases but the initial cause is the OPs DD and her behaviour.

Anyone who genuinely believes it's the former needs to give their head a wobble.

I apologize, I quoted the wrong post.

I’m in agreement with you, the common denominator does seem to be the DD and anyone insisting the issue has to be with everyone else is doing her a disservice. The child is isolated and unhappy, OP needs to look at, and tackle, the reasons for that.

[Eunorition]

Your family all sound like the sorts who think she shows be into boys and nail varnish and will nah her until she does. My paternal family were like this. Obsessed with tiny girls being grown women . Always asking us if we 'had boyfriends'. Pervy weirdos.

My 9 year old does silly voices with her family, plays games and enjoys being a little girl. She's got the rest of her life to be criticised and berated and deemed not to be the right sort of woman. I'd be keeping her away from any family members who have started early. "Being mature" probably means their parents tossed out all their toys a year ago, bought her a phone and told her to like hair and makeup and adult TV shows?