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To think that my contributions to our family home count for anything?
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Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 15:12

I know that I have few rights as per current legislation but am I being unreasonable to think I have earned a segment of our next family home (I'm talking in terms of ethical principles not legality)

Living with partner of 15 years and our 4 children. He is buying a house outright which will be paid for by selling the house we have lived in for 10 years and is also owned by him. I have worked and contributed to running the household for 15 years and have, of course, sacrificed career progression to support my family and his career, not to mention, I have also grafted on the current house, helping to increase its value and spent small amounts of money on it when I have been able to.

Partner thinks I'm ludicrous to even have these thoughts as I've not put in any big amounts of money. I had hoped I might be able to aim for a small mortgage on our next home that I could pay off myself to give me some security and to just feel like I have a place in the world that I have earned but he wants to own it outright.

Marriage not on cards right now for various reasons.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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RedRobyn2021 · 04/08/2022 15:15

You're not being unreasonable, obviously, I don't even know where to begin so I'm hoping someone else comes along and has the energy and words.

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Summerhasbeenandgone · 04/08/2022 15:15

Legally you are fucked op.

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Yaayanotherchemicalpregnancy · 04/08/2022 15:18

Why is marriage not on the cards? That seems to be the solution.

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neverbeenskiing · 04/08/2022 15:18

YANBU I think but also, and I don't mean this is a nasty way at all, OP..I'm not sure it matters? Morally, ethically you might be spot on but if you have no legal rights to your home then it's irrelevant isn't it? The moral high ground won't help you in the event that you separate.

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ozoruk · 04/08/2022 15:18

How on earth have you managed to get yourself in this situation OP?! It sounds like you have been an unpaid skivvy and childcare provider for this man who clearly doesnt want you to benefit from what is 'his'. I assume this children have his surname and not yours as well?

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littlepeas · 04/08/2022 15:19

I don't think you are legally entitled to anything op. In your shoes I think I would try to buy a flat or something in my own name and let it out. I know there are people who consider marriage before children really old fashioned but it protects women from circumstances like you have found yourself in.

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RoseAndRose · 04/08/2022 15:19

Could you consider CP?

You only get the benefits of marriage or CP by making one of those legal agreements.

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TimetohittheroadJack · 04/08/2022 15:20

Legally, it’s his house and you are now entitled to anything. Morally, of course you are- but unfortunately that amount to much. Are you happy? If so, marry him, if not, get a job and start thinking about financial independence. With 4 children his maintainence payments would be 25% of his salary.

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TimetohittheroadJack · 04/08/2022 15:20

*not

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AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2022 15:20

Why’s marriage not on the cards? I mean, it’s too late now but that’s the biggest issue.

If he kicks you out you’ll be homeless. Ethics don’t come into it.

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WTF475878237NC · 04/08/2022 15:21

Bloody hell. Can you try and get him to the registry office in September? Otherwise you're screwed. And he wants it that way it seems.

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Begoniasforever · 04/08/2022 15:21

Op it doesn’t matter if any random. On mumsnet thinks you’ve “earned it” that’s not how the law works. If he doesn’t wish to buy with you you cannot force him. There is no moral entitlement to buy with him. I’m sorry.

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VikingVolva · 04/08/2022 15:22

You made the choices

  • to cohabit rather than marry
  • to surrender your career and earnings, knowing that you were not married

So you are in a situation of your own making.

If you want to change things, and you don't want to marry (or CP?) then you will need to make the changes to restart your career and repair, as far as you can, your income

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Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 15:23

I work and pay into household and children costs 50/50.

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SleeplessInEngland · 04/08/2022 15:23

If you don't get married then legally you're putting yourself on thin ice. I know you said this is about ethics and not the the legality, but the latter is all that matters.

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ArcticSkewer · 04/08/2022 15:25

These were your choices. I hope you at least put the money saved on rent/mortgage into a pension otherwise you are also fucked in retirement.
Have you started focussing on your job and promotion/career change if no promotion?

Ethics just doesn't come into it, but if you are asking then I think ethically it does belong to him as he took the financial risk and you seem aware that your choices didn't lead to ownership rights.

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FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 04/08/2022 15:26

You should be named on the house deeds even if you are not on the mortgage, this however is something your partner needs to morally agree to as he isn't legally bound to it.

There's some good informations here rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/PDF-guide-to-living-together-and-the-law.pdf

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Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 15:26

No, what matters at the moment is whether I am being unreasonable!

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dollyblack · 04/08/2022 15:26

Why does he not want to own the house jointly with you?

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ArcticSkewer · 04/08/2022 15:28

have, of course, sacrificed career progression to support my family and his career

There is absolutely no of course about it. No unmarried partner should ever do that

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Movingsoon21 · 04/08/2022 15:28

OP does he not love you? Does he not want the mother of his four children to have some stability and security? He’s a complete a**hole if not!

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Yaayanotherchemicalpregnancy · 04/08/2022 15:29

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I can understand his thinking. He's thinking that if the relationship ends, he walks away with the house in full. It's probably not very moral but legally he can do it.

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WinterMusings · 04/08/2022 15:29

15 years, 4 kids & he wants to own your family home on his own?

how did it come to this?

has no one ever said to you 'WTF are you doing?'

Did you have a very very rubbish upbringing, that you feel you have so little worth that you willingly accepted this arrangement & even now feel you have to BUY into it by getting a mortgage.

this wanker has taken you for a ride and you've gone along for the ride -why??

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Perple · 04/08/2022 15:31

are you sure you don’t have some legal
claim as a constructive trust because of labour and money you put into it?

it’s a long time that I looked at this - but it might be worth having a free half hour with a lawyer and asking them

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Greenlife1 · 04/08/2022 15:37

@WinterMusings yes somewhat

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