Stupid shit people forgot to mention about parenting

[BlahBl4h]

Mine at the moment is just how many times you can be expected to watch the same fucking movie over and over and over and over.

I want to peel my eyes off.

Anyone?

Ignore my message - wrong thread!

My youngest - wherever, whenever, just bellows out:

"DONE A POO"

Amount of times I try and explain that it's not really appropriate to open the toilet door and shout that.

"DONE A POO"

Talking, it doesn’t stop and playing is not fun. Toddlers also genuinely think they are the boss (which is probably true)

Oh god this! It was a documentary.

I have a bucket and wipes combo down pat for picking them up when drunk. It's only happened once with each but those were fun nights. Having one sleeping on the floor in the hall as it's got no carpet and I could keep an eye on him so he didn't vomit in his sleep, until four in the morning when he seemed compis mentis. Then the other one with a trip to A&E, which is the seventh circle of hell on a Saturday night, as he was in a very bad way so we thought he'd had his drink spiked.

And why is that they're monosyllabic most of the day, and are not remotely interested in any kind of conversation but then desperately want to chat to you at two in the morning after a night out? Just why?

When us adults wake up, we need a few minutes to pull ourselves together (personally I need at least 2 coffees) toddlers wake up and it's just full on instantly. Open eyes, out of bed, run, demand, laugh, play. Mate, just chill...
Crumbs. My poor hoover.
The 'advice' do some people even hear themselves?
The comments, toys are everywhere "oh,what's happened here?" "I gave birth"
When DS smiles at me, snuggles me or is just lovely in some way I honestly wonder if my heart can cope with such happiness or will it actually burst.

@Shouldershrugger

why can’t you pee in peace?

and clean your teeth before midday! I just used to put baby in cot to clean teeth. It takes 2 mins and if baby cries so be it, it’s only 2 mins. I’d feel awful if I spent all morning with unclean teeth and morning breath

Occasionally when I make them breakfast, I have three children and one of them will pipe up

"This is not what I ordered"

Like it's a fucking cafe. Boils my soul.

🤣🤣🤣

Get used to hearing the phrase 'can I have. ... ' on repeat every time you are in the vicinity of any type of shop ever.

If you believe never ever giving in to 'can I have' will quickly put an end to that phase, you are a fool.

That it's exhausting when they only want you for seemingly years on end. Yet as soon as they stop, you miss it.

4 year old will want a poo when there is no toilet for 50 miles!

Yes!
Nanny is loved above all others. Nobody in life is more special and wonderful than Nanny! I think my dd even loves the childminders mum more than she loves me 😂

You will find yourself driving around listening to children's songs and singing along long after your child has already fallen asleep. I've even found myself turning it up going 'oh I LOVE this one'.

That if you have small children you will never ever be able to recover from illness because you can’t just go to bed. Plus they bring every virus known to man back from nursery and the GP’s surgery becomes your second home

You will be keeping them happy by putting plasters on something that only the Hubble telescope can see!

That even when they're in their early 20s you're still expected to sort out their dramas - the same dramas you fucking told them would happen if they didn't do X, Y or Z. Why even bother coming to me for advice if you're going to ignore me and go with the stupid advice your stupid 20-something mates give you??

That if you have more than one child(so they have someone to play with and have an unbreakable, lifelong bond with) that they’ll argue, fight and take the piss out of each other all day, every day until the end of time. I’m so glad I’m an only child as my brain just would not have tolerated that shit!

You will be mortified when they say in a loud voice "Look at that - ( insert any embarrassing comment here)

Mum guilt is a thing.
You have to learn your own way of communicating with your toddler before they have grasped language properly.
You never realise how much patience you have and indifference to things you thought would have driven you crazy pre kids.
How its like banging your head against a brick wall everytime your toddler cries when you don't know whats wrong and nothing you do makes it right...that's the most infuriating thing, the most stressful! Then magically they're all happy again...like what the actual?!

I had never heard anyone tell me that after giving birth you can lose so much hair. When shampooing my hair and clumps of hair was coming out in my hands I was a bit alarmed. Thank goodness for the internet. I learnt about postpartum hair loss. Such a relief to find out that all was ok.

Be prepared to show everyone in clothes stores/changing rooms yourself in all states of undress.

Sympathy. Onbe of my students asked the other day, 'Have you ever seen a film called Shrek?' and looked a bit startled when I replied with too much feeling, 'About two hundred times.'

And books and songs.
I started bedtime stories with no understanding that I would be reading the same two pages from What do People do All Day? for eight months.
I sang lullabies with no warning that my child wouldn't sleep unless I sang a certain Christmas carol to him every night until August.

Oh gosh, sooo many of these are true....

• Yes to the hours spent watching the same bloody films when they were kids. Terrible when they were little. However, my shining moment was getting my kids into Horrible Histories. Even I could spend hours watching Matt Baynton 😀

• Yes to the utter tedium of children's conversations. I think my all time low was a 10 minute lecture by DD about the spacing of her toes and the feeling of air between them. How the f... does anyone drivel on about such shit for 10 minutes??

• Yes to the endless shows and displays. They were constant and never ended. Any audience, any time and there was a never ending show. The worst was things like my birthday, when they'd put on an endless show and as soon as you tried to get them to finish it was "but we put this together especially for you, mummy"

• Yes to how how everything you do is a total embarrassment, once they become teens. Don't say anything in front of friends, even better, don't breathe because just breathing in front of their friends is enough to embarrass them!

• And yes to the utter ungrateful mess of teenagers. Just spend X amount on holiday, told DC not loads of money left this month, so need to watch the pennies. They agree. Take them to the cinema as already had tickets. As soon as you're there, can we have sweets? And popcorn? Oh and I need a drink!?! But will they use their left over spending money from the holiday? Oh no!

• And the one I'll add. How your soul purpose is nothing more than being a glorified taxi driver. DD needs to get to Xs friends house for a sleepover. So you go, pick up Y friend on the way. But don't you dare talk to either child in the car... you're just an embarrassment in front of their friends, and your conversation is boring when alone. You're there to drive, not to talk to your children for goodness sake!

The bath taps control a child's bowels ! They always want to poop while your having a soak 😩

@dottypencilcase my life right now, she already knew it and i have no idea where from. it's on a constant loop and i think my head might explode!!

@pitchforksandflamethrowers we watched the Wizard of Oz last night, absolutely terrifying. Horrid witch and wicked flying monkeys, how did i not remember that from my childhood. Think it gave me and my 4 year nightmares last night, parenting fail! All because I'd sung follow the yellow brick road in the hope it would gee her along on what should be a 10 minute walk home from nursery but takes 6 hours!!

Not peeing by yourself, Ive actually have had to sit with my toddler on my lap whilst doing a poo before, that was a new experience for me.

Repetitive cartoons, films and bed time books!!

Endless carnage over food, wants this now, no longer likes something that they ate 10 minutes ago, constant snacks!!

Phantom baby cries when you're showering!!

Being basically ignored by school aged child until bedtime when they have to tell everything that happened today in school even though they just grunted at you when you asked at pick up time at 3.15!! Now its 8pm, they feel the need to share their life story and add details from something that happened in 1956 as well 🤦‍♀️

Leaving the house in anything less than half hour is considered a good day!

Leaving the house without having to sniff a baby's bum is progress.

Leaving the house alone is heavenly!