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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DP has invited his dad to join us in France

104 replies

peanutbutterandprosecco · 03/08/2022 11:00

Hi MN,
I’m having a bit of a confused moment…
DP and I are going away to France next week to meet up with some of his best mates & sister who I haven’t met yet (nervous) - he announced this morning that his dad (80) wants to come and ‘it’s ok if he comes with us in the car etc isn’t it’
He is arranging separate accommodation but the journey is long & I was looking forward to that journey as just us… I’m also working my arse off at the moment. haven’t had a holiday abroad in 3 years and probably won’t again for ages. His dad knows everyone who’ll be there really well; I have only met him a handful of times, one of those times he was a bit sexist, I pulled him up on it & he's been a bit quiet around me since.
DP saw my response and said ‘he doesn’t have to come’ but I’m now feeling like this holiday will be pretty weird as we will have his dad there with us a lot I expect.
Am I completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 03/08/2022 11:04

Well the dad is going to know you said no

take it from me if you are in this for the long haul it is much better to get along with in-laws than not

if the guy is in his 80s then he is probably lacking in knowledge of societal norms or maybe he doesn’t care

i mean you can go around challenging attitudes etc if you want but you may not get a lot of thanks for it but I suppose you’ll feel better for it!

good luck!!!

ps also if you go against the father the sister might take a dislike to you. Families usually stick together

Iamblossom · 03/08/2022 11:05

I would be very hacked off.

Where is the discussion, the consultation? Is this not your holiday as much as his?

I would be assuming he has not considered how you would feel about it before telling his dad it was ok, putting you in a very difficult position and that is OOO.

CalistoNoSolo · 03/08/2022 11:16

He's your partner's father, he's 80, his daughter and lots of other people he knows will be there. It may well be his last trip ever, so yes I do think you're being unreasonable. I also think telling an 80yo off for being 'a bit sexist' is a bit OTT. There are ways of doing things without causing someone to walk on eggshells around you.

Maybee21 · 03/08/2022 11:29

CalistoNoSolo · 03/08/2022 11:16

He's your partner's father, he's 80, his daughter and lots of other people he knows will be there. It may well be his last trip ever, so yes I do think you're being unreasonable. I also think telling an 80yo off for being 'a bit sexist' is a bit OTT. There are ways of doing things without causing someone to walk on eggshells around you.

I agree with all of this except the calling out sexism part, surely we shouldn't just let people get away with being sexist/racist/homophobic/transphobic/ableist etc etc just because of their age and or circumstances of their bringing up? It's never okay, why should OP have to put up with sexism just because her FIL is elderly?
Would you also think it would be acceptable to allow racism for example to go unchallenged due to the persons age? Because if not, we can't start making allowances for certain types of hate because we deem them less serious than others, that would set a very dangerous precedent indeed.

123ZYX · 03/08/2022 11:29

I assume his dad will need to sit in the front of the car? I think it would annoy me to be made to sit in the back if not driving, or sitting with his dad if you are. It would mean you and your partner would never be sitting together during the (presumably) several hours long journey - it's always harder to speak to someone in the back if you're in the front.

Could you find a reason to travel down a day earlier or later by train?

averythinline · 03/08/2022 11:34

I would be very annoyed...doesn't seem like he thinks its your holiday as well..or that your opinion counts for much

I would not want to go on holiday with FIL ...or anyone i hadn't chosen to go with....

Id be tempted to not go and sort my own holiday...but I am very precious about holidays as don't get much opportunity for them...

I would be looking at where else you get no choice in stuff....consulting and compromising sometimes can be part of a relationship but needs to be equal....

Summerhasbeenandgone · 03/08/2022 11:44

He sits in the back surely?
Get some headphones and let dh amuse him..

LetsGoDoDoDo · 03/08/2022 11:44

I agree with PP that I'd arrange to travel separately and meet them there. Just say that you're an anxious passenger and prone to car sickness. It seems like a reasonable compromise. I'm sure it'll be fine once you're there!

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 03/08/2022 11:46

Get a grip for goodness sake, it's his elderly father and you sound like a spoilt princess.

Graffittiunderpass · 03/08/2022 11:53

I feel your pain. My late MIL frequently elbowed her way into our holidays and it always became about her needs.

It will sound petty if you say no now though

DelphiniumBlue · 03/08/2022 11:55

Well it will certainly change the type of holiday, that's for sure.
Lots to negotiate, like who sits where in the car, whose preferences prevail in terms of restaurants, activities etc.
An 80 year old, even a fit one, is not going to be able to do the same as a young couple in terms of distance, stamina and just generally.
I think it depends a lot on where he will be staying, whether you will be entertaining him and including him on outings, or whether he literally just wants a lift and will be making his own arrangements once he's there.
If it's just for a lift and the holiday is a week or more, then you could compromise easily, and take it as an opportunity to be nice to DP's father.
If it's a shorter visit, or you will be expected to include the father while you are there, then it will have a bigger impact.

Justcallmebebes · 03/08/2022 11:56

Get a grip for goodness sake, it's his elderly father and you sound like a spoilt princess

^This and if I was the sister, I would be really pissed off with you. Poor old boy only wants a lift

JudgeRindersMinder · 03/08/2022 11:56

CalistoNoSolo · 03/08/2022 11:16

He's your partner's father, he's 80, his daughter and lots of other people he knows will be there. It may well be his last trip ever, so yes I do think you're being unreasonable. I also think telling an 80yo off for being 'a bit sexist' is a bit OTT. There are ways of doing things without causing someone to walk on eggshells around you.

Precisely this. I come at it from having lost both my parents, we took my dad on what we all knew would be his last holiday when he was 82 and I’ll be eternally glad we did.

You might actually get something out of it!

converseandjeans · 03/08/2022 12:02

I think it sounds like a family holiday for DP and his sister & others. So YABU to say no. FIL knows everyone already.

If it was you DP and couple of toddlers it would be different.

FabFitFifties · 03/08/2022 12:04

Is he a spritely, self caring, 80? How unpleasant were his sexist comments, and how unpleasant were you in challenging them? Will his time be spent with you, or will he want to be with his daughter and friends? I think we need more details please.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 03/08/2022 12:07

If he was hitching a lift to your couples holiday I would say yanbu, but if you are going on a holiday with his family, you are a bit mean to not want to give him a lift.

ittakes2 · 03/08/2022 12:07

I am really confused at the voting - his dad is 80 and wants to see his daughter who lives overseas and spend sometime with his two children - at 80 he might not feel comfortable making his own way overseas. If you like this guy I would accommodate his family - its not as if you are going on a holiday just the two of you and he wants to be a third wheel. He's just travelling with you for less than a day of driving. Stick your earphones in your ears if his conversation bothers you. What it really comes down to is how compatible you and your partner are on family values,

IncompleteSenten · 03/08/2022 12:09

He should have talked to you first but now your choices are have him come with you and forget about the drive there just you and your partner or say no, have your partner tell his dad he can't now come and you meet his sister for the first time just after not letting her 80 year old dad come with you in the car.

You're screwed basically.

I'd choose him coming with you. Not letting him come because you wanted to drive alone with your partner (who you can make time to be alone with any time) is not going to make for a fun first meeting with his sister, is it?

neverbeenskiing · 03/08/2022 12:10

If you'd been planning a romantic getaway for two then I'd say YANBU as it completely changes the dynamic of the trip, but since you're going to visit DP's sister it's not that surprising that his DF would want to tag along. I can see it will make things a bit awkward, but if you say no he's not allowed to come then your DP's sister will surely here about it and I don't think that will get you off on the right foot.

rnsaslkih · 03/08/2022 12:10

I don’t think you should have told an 80yo off for being a bit sexist. He grew up and lived in a completely different era. Born during WW2. Men went to fight. Women stayed home. It was normal for women to be SAHM and cook etc.

That said, I can see that someone coming on your holiday is annoying, whoever they are. Particularly when they’ve asked rather than been invited. But perhaps that’s the only way he will get to go anywhere and he will get to see his daughter, son and various assorted people.

if you don’t want intruders on your holiday, next time book somewhere with flights.

HollowTalk · 03/08/2022 12:11

I wouldn't be happy with that. You'll end up in the back of the car, bored and uncomfortable.

10HailMarys · 03/08/2022 12:37

It's your DP's trip to see his family and friends and you are going along with him to meet them. His dad is one of the family. His dad isn't going to be in the same accommodation as you. You're just doing a car journey with him. Yes, it will be a bit less chilled than doing the journey without a passenger, but I think you just have to suck it up for a few hours.

If you and your DP had planned a romantic getaway for the two of you and your DP had suddenly said 'Oh, by the way - I've told Dad he can come along and spend the week with us' then yeah, that would be out of order. But I don't think your DP's been unreasonable here.

Beautiful3 · 03/08/2022 13:03

He's 80, so will probably be his last trip. He wants to see his daughter, and probably couldn't travel alone, due to his age. I think it's nice. Just let him come. You and your husband will have plenty more holidays.

BarrelOfOtters2 · 03/08/2022 13:07

Quitelikeit · 03/08/2022 11:04

Well the dad is going to know you said no

take it from me if you are in this for the long haul it is much better to get along with in-laws than not

if the guy is in his 80s then he is probably lacking in knowledge of societal norms or maybe he doesn’t care

i mean you can go around challenging attitudes etc if you want but you may not get a lot of thanks for it but I suppose you’ll feel better for it!

good luck!!!

ps also if you go against the father the sister might take a dislike to you. Families usually stick together

This sums it up quite nicely.

Suck it up or don't go.

Shinyandnew1 · 03/08/2022 13:10

I’d be pissed off and make it clear to DH to never arrange something like this without agreeing it with me first.

Is the dad going to be sitting in the front of the car with you in the back?! I’d be offering to drive!