To be annoyed that DP has invited his dad to join us in France

[peanutbutterandprosecco]

Hi MN,
I’m having a bit of a confused moment…
DP and I are going away to France next week to meet up with some of his best mates & sister who I haven’t met yet (nervous) - he announced this morning that his dad (80) wants to come and ‘it’s ok if he comes with us in the car etc isn’t it’
He is arranging separate accommodation but the journey is long & I was looking forward to that journey as just us… I’m also working my arse off at the moment. haven’t had a holiday abroad in 3 years and probably won’t again for ages. His dad knows everyone who’ll be there really well; I have only met him a handful of times, one of those times he was a bit sexist, I pulled him up on it & he's been a bit quiet around me since.
DP saw my response and said ‘he doesn’t have to come’ but I’m now feeling like this holiday will be pretty weird as we will have his dad there with us a lot I expect.
Am I completely unreasonable?

I wouldn't really class it as a holiday. It sounds more like a family get together that just happens to be abroad.
Is it a reasonably new relationship, because that might explain your misunderstanding of DP and his family's dynamic?

Without asking!!!

The only thing the partner hasnt asked about is the lift to France, which could be mitigated against by ensuring the dad sits in the back and he'll probably sleep

The partner is visiting his friends and family, the dad is also going to visit his own bloody daughter, he doesnt need permission

Jesus

A difficult question.
It sounds as if he will have his own accommodation, but would mainly be joining you on the journey. That does not seem unreasonable, as many 80 year olds might balk at the travelling alone. And it will be an opportunity for him to be with his family and see his DD.

Is he a total pain in the arse? We took my FIL away to France with us when his wife had just died, as we felt it might help him. He was a sexist racist bigot, but we just let that wash by us whilst making sure that the children realised it was not acceptable. He was of course a product of his upbringing and he was well into his 80s - not a lot of chance for change. We never took him again - but it felt the right and decent thing to do at that time. He might have been an old bigot but he was entitled to his grief and to have his family rally round at that point.

We never took my parents as they argued non-stop.

I am a MIL now (and widowed) and have been away with family on several occasions, sometimes with one family and others at big family get-togethers. I have tried to be unobtrusive! - and hope I have been a help, with child care and cooking. But I have been clear with them that it is not an expectation on my part, and I do not go into a decline if not asked. This year it is me asking them, as I have booked a fabulous house for all 14 of us with some money that came my way when OH died. We are all looking forward to it. I do not make sexist or racist comments!!!

I would go with the flow on this - it sounds as if it is mainly the journey, and that is hardly the most exciting part of the holiday. If he is staying separately, then that is a bonus if you do not know him well. Might be worth saying to DP that it would be good if he consulted you first on another occasion; but it does sound a bit as though he was put on the spot. It is not a bad lesson for your DC to see different generations and different viewpoints rubbing along together and being tolerant. Remember this will be you one day!! - it is worth setting a good example to your children!

With goodwill on all sides, it need not be a disaster. And you will be able to shine your halo!

This!!! Life is too short to not enable the elderly and do all you can for them. I'd hate to live life with regret. If I was the parent, I'd be hurt if my child said no when it is simply just a case of sharing a car journey. If it was a couples or even a family holiday that would be a different story as I could understand the desire for privacy and if I was the parent, I would never ask to tag along to that unless it was suggested by DC. However, this is already a family holiday with the partners extended family.

Dead right too! Fuck that shit

He should not have put you in that position in the first place and should have talked to you first so very unfair what he did as now puts you in a really awkward place as everyone will know why he is not there if he does not go. For me personally I would be conflicted as the car journey would be the worst bit but would probably just go with the flow now as he has asked him but would just make the best of the trip and will be lots of other people there and as others have said it will may well be his last chance to see those people. But tell him in future to discuss with you first.

Ah - I see that maybe you do not have children - ignore last bit of my post!

But you will get old one day (I hope!) and you might feel differently.

It is hard to describe how it feels to be older (but about 30 in your mind!) and to be having to tread on eggshells to make sure you do not become a nuisance. Especially hard when you are on your own. Comes to us all; but not a walk in the park.

Getting older is a series of losses; some harder to endure than others. You lose your role as parent, professional and then as spouse/partner. You lose some of your physical strength and fitness. It takes a certain toughness to cope with this. There are gains .... mostly pain! - about which you dare not speak as you might bore folk to tears!

Just be prepared - old age is coming to a body near you!!

Exactly. It sounds like the OP is now the one tagging along on someone else's family trip, not the dad.

Since that's not something which would appeal to me for my one holiday of the year (especially if I'd been working hard and really needed a break!), I'd be looking to gracefully bow out at this point. But each to their own.

Thank you, can’t believe how many responses there are and also on the poll thing it’s more that I’m NOT being unreasonable but I bloody am I think! Some of you have massively put things into perspective, I'm going to go with the flow on this. His dad will be coming along. 🇫🇷

Sounds like a done deal that she has no say in to me. If it was a romantic break it would be different but it’s not. The outsider here is OP who I think is behaving like a Princess.

Have a wonderful time and make sure you eat your body weight in camembert and baguettes!

If you're visiting family abroad then it's not a 'couples' type holiday is it?

I think you need to suck it up if you're planning on staying with your partner long term. Even when his dad's no longer around, the other family members will be, so I think you need to see this as a 'getting to know his family' trip rather than a sexy shagfest type holiday.

Book that one next time. 😂

No, he didn’t ask OP about inviting his dad either. Neither of those were run past the OP.

It’s not normal to invite someone on holiday with your partner and not discuss it first. It’s OP’s holiday too. A long deserved one by the sound of it.

If the children want to take their dad on a family holiday that’s fine, that doesn’t have to involve OP though.

I agree totally

stop being so cruel it could be his dads last holiday you sound extremely entitled

"I wanted the car journey just to be us"

Oh get over yourself

I'd be really pissed off tbh. However, I honestly can't see how you can refuse without looking a twat.

We've gone to France numerous times in the car and the journey is part of the holiday for us.

I have only met him a handful of times, one of those times he was a bit sexist, I pulled him up on it & he's been a bit quiet around me since.

So you may not have to pull him up on it, he may not talk to you.

If the children want to take their dad on a family holiday that’s fine, that doesn’t have to involve OP though

Spot on, she was lucky to be invited.

As OP says she realised she was being unreasonble. The point is the father is visiting France to see his daughter, his children's friends and his son who will also be there with OP

The father does not need to ask anyone permission to do this, its not inviting someone on 'their' holiday. The issue the partner should have mentioned to OP is that his father has asked if they can travel together.

I hope you have a lovely time.

I understand its annoying but I wouldn't deny a parent to spend some time with both his children at his age especially after the past couple of years.

I'm glad you got a sense of perspoective, OP. I hope you all have a lovely time in France and eat enough cheese to sink a ship.

His dad will be coming along

I wonder if that was ever really in doubt!

So what? She wasn’t BU to be annoyed as the majority of votes attest.

The father talks it through with his kids and his DS should have talked it through with OP rather than presenting her with a fait accompli.

It seems you have no more of an idea how to behave than the DP.

I'm on the ffence as I'd be annoyed too, especially as we can't afford many holidays. But I'd probably realise I was being a bit selfish.

Aw. I think that’s the right thing. Plus dad might fill up the tank!