To be annoyed that DP has invited his dad to join us in France

[peanutbutterandprosecco]

Hi MN,
I’m having a bit of a confused moment…
DP and I are going away to France next week to meet up with some of his best mates & sister who I haven’t met yet (nervous) - he announced this morning that his dad (80) wants to come and ‘it’s ok if he comes with us in the car etc isn’t it’
He is arranging separate accommodation but the journey is long & I was looking forward to that journey as just us… I’m also working my arse off at the moment. haven’t had a holiday abroad in 3 years and probably won’t again for ages. His dad knows everyone who’ll be there really well; I have only met him a handful of times, one of those times he was a bit sexist, I pulled him up on it & he's been a bit quiet around me since.
DP saw my response and said ‘he doesn’t have to come’ but I’m now feeling like this holiday will be pretty weird as we will have his dad there with us a lot I expect.
Am I completely unreasonable?

God forbid someone be a bit bored for a short period of time in order to do a favour for someone else and foster nice family relationships.

I am absolutely shocked at times at just how selfish some people on this site seem to be.

Firstly it should be a proper discussion between you 'dad wants to come, what do you think?' not the foregone conclusion that means you don't have any equal input. It's your holiday as well. And no way will he be sitting in the front! Is this the 1950s?

Can you book a different holiday?

Sounds like you're an extra on DPs holiday with his mates, his Dsis and now his DF.

If you do go, I'd be demanding a couples only mini break later this year.

It’s not so much his father coming on the trip. It’s that you were told, not asked, and it was done without any discussion or input from you. I’d be pissed off about that. If he’d said, ‘I’m thinking of inviting dad to come with us. It would be lovely for him to catch up with xxx and he may not easily be able to travel that distance for much longer. What do you think?’

It should have been discussed with you before he agreed it. Changes the dynamic of the trip imo as you seem to be expecting more time as just a couple together,

And don't get guilted with the elderly 80 year old on his last legs thing to see his daughter for the last time. You can be annoyed by it. Plus its not just family you are meeting, its friends as well.

Thanks for the replies! Genuinely helpful
I’m not going to feel bad about calling him out on the sexist comment though. I don’t care how old someone is. Not going to ignore that. 😉

I think it depends on your relationship with your partner. If it's a new relationship then WTF but if it's a long standing and long term live in relationship then not such a big deal given that the dad has booked separate accommodation.

Could the dad fly out as an alternative?

So, have you said yes or no?

If you do say yes, make sure your next holiday is your choice.

Oh let him go! He's 80, he's your partner's dad. Sometimes it's good to put other's feelings before our own.

He’s sorted his own accommodation, its only the sodding car journey

ffs. I’d leave my dp to it if he invited a single member of his family on a holiday with me, but this is only the journey. You’ll have your own space while away, and he’ll have dP and sisters to look after him if he needs it

were you imaging some kind of romantic route 66 road trip?

have you seen the queues for the ferries? 🤣😂

fly separately if it bothers you that much.

I agree it's all really annoying - and your DP should have been alive to your likely view when his Dad first asked, and perhaps managed expectations a bit. He could have suggested that it's too long a trip at his Dad's age but he'd arrange a flight and lifts to and from (and meant it).

But as PPs have pointed out there's no real way out of this without looking like an arse (especially to SIL) or actually being an arse (possible last trip abroad for FIL, plus he will have asked in good faith as someone whose baseline is family trips abroad rather than romantic tours , plus your DP is in a difficult position and I guess is honour bound to put the frailer party first).

Sometimes things just do conspire against us and we're happier if we just let it go rather than losing twice by holding onto the anger. I am a definite anger-holder so I know my onions.

I’d be furious. So furious I would insist DP did all the catering as well as caring for his dad.

I wouldn't be ecstatic but the man is 80 and this way he gets comfortably brought to France where he can spend time with two of his children together... I wouldn't have the heart to object to it and I probably wouldn't really hate having him along. I must say I tend to accept that very elderly people may have different views, and be mindful that everything I am conditioned to believe will likely turn out to be wrong and unacceptable soon enough.

He's staying in his own accommodation so he's not going on holiday with you, this is about travelling together, which being that age perhaps he needs to go with his son.

Yes it might be less convenient, but I would say that he has to sit in the back as I dont like sitting in the back and then accept its just for the journey.

I think other posters are making a lot of assumptions that you havent mentioned such as restaurants and activities, you dont have to be joined at the hip to your partners family, you can meet up with them from time to time.

What catering and caring?

Oh come on. He’s 80. Give your partner a break. It’s a car journey

You sound nice

exactly very selfish. An 80 year old man wants to see his family. Go ahead and cause trouble with the whole family cos thats what will happen if you do.

What’s so wrong with his dad coming along
I hope when your 80 your family care enough to have you along

exactly does anyone do anything anymore because they know someone else would like it?

how do you also know you wont be 80 one day and in the same situation?

Gosh I completely see how you feel - it’s a long journey never mind the rest of the holiday.

Do you think your DP didn’t realise how this will alter dynamics? Or is he very close to his DF so it didn’t occur to him that it might be an issue? Have you been together long?

Am I completely unreasonable?

Yes

I wouldn’t be happy, but There's nothing you can do about it without looking like a dick

What was the comment?

I can see why you’re annoyed. But, like several PP, I think you should probably suck it up this time. This is an opportunity to bond with people important to your DP. Saying no to his dad will not help.

Make it clear to your DP that you don’t like that sort of thing sprung on you and that his decision means you now don’t have a part of the holiday thats about the two of you relaxing together. Maybe suggest a weekend away soon after you get back.

Depending on what the sexist comment was, I might also ask DP to stand up for you if his dad repeats that sort of behaviour.

It sucks a bit to have a holiday you’re looking forward to changed in a way you anticipate will be negative. But you don’t know for use it’s going to go that way and it’s an opportunity to learn a lot about your DP and build good relationships with his family.