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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DP has invited his dad to join us in France

104 replies

peanutbutterandprosecco · 03/08/2022 11:00

Hi MN,
I’m having a bit of a confused moment…
DP and I are going away to France next week to meet up with some of his best mates & sister who I haven’t met yet (nervous) - he announced this morning that his dad (80) wants to come and ‘it’s ok if he comes with us in the car etc isn’t it’
He is arranging separate accommodation but the journey is long & I was looking forward to that journey as just us… I’m also working my arse off at the moment. haven’t had a holiday abroad in 3 years and probably won’t again for ages. His dad knows everyone who’ll be there really well; I have only met him a handful of times, one of those times he was a bit sexist, I pulled him up on it & he's been a bit quiet around me since.
DP saw my response and said ‘he doesn’t have to come’ but I’m now feeling like this holiday will be pretty weird as we will have his dad there with us a lot I expect.
Am I completely unreasonable?

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 03/08/2022 14:17

My MIL died 2017 so we took FIL on a cruise with us, he would make comments that we needed to tell him were inappropriate quite a few times. He came with us the following year, but shortly after at 86 his health began to deteriorate. Whilst the holiday weren’t ideal, he was really grateful to us for taking him as there was no way he could have done it on his own.

toooldtocarewhoknows · 03/08/2022 14:22

It's a really good opportunity to bond with him before you meet the rest of the clan. He can help.

It's a good opportunity and you'll be supporting an elderly gentleman to meeting up with his family. Kudos all around.

It can be daunting to meet new family. It's better if you know a few first, this is your opportunity!

AffIt · 03/08/2022 14:31

I don’t think you should have told an 80yo off for being a bit sexist. He grew up and lived in a completely different era. Born during WW2. Men went to fight. Women stayed home. It was normal for women to be SAHM and cook etc

Eh? My mum is a few years off 80 and she was a teenager in the 60s, grew up in an environment of enormous social change and progression, worked all her life running her own businesses (and came from a family where her own mother and aunts etc had their own careers) and had a very equitable relationship with my father.

If you suggested to her that she was 'a SAHM who stayed at home and cooked', she'd laugh in your face.

Why are you talking about people of that age as though they're Victorian relics seemingly incapable of understanding modern society?

For what's it worth, OP, I think you should let your partner's father join you on the trip.

Mamapep · 03/08/2022 14:32

I wouldn’t have an issue with this, you’re being a bit petty. He just wants a lift.

statetrooperstacey · 03/08/2022 14:43

Oh god this is one of those dammed if you do and if you don’t situations . If I were your dp or his sister I would be quite angry if you put a spanner in the works or were anything less than nice to him/ about it.
however if I were you I would be pretty pissed off about the whole thing.
So no advice but sympathies , think you might have to graciously suck it up in this occasion .

diddl · 03/08/2022 14:50

Shame he didn't discuss it first-although it was never really going to be a no from him was it?

He's helping his dad to see his daughter-you wouldn't begrudge them that would you?

Doesn't sound like much of a holiday originally to me-more of a meet up!

LumpyandBumps · 03/08/2022 15:10

It’s strange that the majority of comments indicate YABU, but the votes currently show 56% YANBU.
You were clearly looking forward to your holiday, possibly a bit nervous about meeting DP’s family and friends, and DP has effectively marred your anticipation and excitement. He very probably didn’t mean to do this.
I think you have every right to be upset. It is perfectly reasonable to not be happy with an imposed change.
Unfortunately for you DP’s family and friends’ sympathies will lie with his elderly father, and they will judge you as unreasonable if you choose to say he cannot travel with you.
It’s not your fault but you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and realistically your options appear to be accepting the situation with grace, or opting out entirely.
I don’t agree that you should be relegated to the back seat, however, and my friend challenges inappropriate comments from her perfectly lucid 96 YO father, so I think you are right to mention these in an 80 YO, as long as he has full mental faculty.

Goldbar · 03/08/2022 15:25

You are clearly an afterthought on this holiday.

Any way of extricating yourself gracefully? Be busy at work, leave 'cancelled', suddenly come down with Covid?

If this is going to be your only holiday for a while, I'd swerve this one and do something for you. Otherwise, you're going to spend the whole time going along with other people's plans.

minipie · 03/08/2022 16:01

It's your DP's trip to see his family and friends and you are going along with him to meet them. His dad is one of the family.

Yep this. You see it as your and DP’s holiday as a couple. Your DP sees it as a trip to see his sister and mates, and you’re coming too. Now his dad is also coming too, what’s the big deal?

I agree it won’t be as nice having his dad in the car as it would be just the two of you, but if you’re ok with spending your holiday meeting his sister and mates, adding in his dad isn’t much of a stretch…

bellac11 · 03/08/2022 16:04

He'll probably fall asleep in the back of the car anyway

Bonheurdupasse · 03/08/2022 16:07

Goldbar · 03/08/2022 15:25

You are clearly an afterthought on this holiday.

Any way of extricating yourself gracefully? Be busy at work, leave 'cancelled', suddenly come down with Covid?

If this is going to be your only holiday for a while, I'd swerve this one and do something for you. Otherwise, you're going to spend the whole time going along with other people's plans.

This OP

OldFan · 03/08/2022 16:11

Statistically @Beautiful3 , tolerating him mightn't be that hard, as he's already living on borrowed time for a bloke, so you mightn't have to put up with him for long .

bellac11 · 03/08/2022 16:12

Goldbar · 03/08/2022 15:25

You are clearly an afterthought on this holiday.

Any way of extricating yourself gracefully? Be busy at work, leave 'cancelled', suddenly come down with Covid?

If this is going to be your only holiday for a while, I'd swerve this one and do something for you. Otherwise, you're going to spend the whole time going along with other people's plans.

How is she an after thought?

The holiday was to meet her partners family, and now another member of the family wants to have a lift there. Not unreasonable although unexpected.

You sound like a shit stirrer.

diddl · 03/08/2022 16:14

You are clearly an afterthought on this holiday.

Yes!

When I read the OP about meeting up with friends & sister I thought that it was Op who sounded like the tagalong, not the Dad!

largeprintagathachristie · 03/08/2022 16:19

It’s only the car journey; you say separate accommodation has been booked for the father. So I think you come across as mean-spririted. Of course you should give him a lift with you.

it’s not like the whole holiday is a romantic getaway in the first place. Plan one of those and look forward to it, but I think you’re conflating two different kinds of trip, here.

Don’t sulk on the journey, either.

IrisVersicolor · 03/08/2022 16:21

bellac11 · 03/08/2022 14:03

What catering and caring?

Show quote history

If you read the OP - she’s expecting the dad to be there with them a lot. Of course he will otherwise he wouldn’t bother going.

So DP should totally expect to be catering and caring for him on those occasions as he’s the one who invited him - otherwise it won’t be a holiday for the OP.

rookiemere · 03/08/2022 16:22

It's a long car journey to France though, sometimes involving an overnight stay.

OP was clearly looking forward to spending some time alone with her DP before the holiday- which lets not forget- also has his sibling and friends going.

Instead she gets the back seat and the whole holiday becomes even more of a family and friends trip for her DP. Metaphorical back seat indeed !

IRememberXanadu · 03/08/2022 16:25

I'd be very, very annoyed. It's your holiday as much as his and he didn't ask you first to check whether this would affect your enjoyment. Be careful here - this may not be the only time your DP pulls a stunt like this.

KarlWrenbury · 03/08/2022 16:39

“Pulls a stunt”. = cares about an elderly relative

bellac11 · 03/08/2022 16:39

IrisVersicolor · 03/08/2022 16:21

If you read the OP - she’s expecting the dad to be there with them a lot. Of course he will otherwise he wouldn’t bother going.

So DP should totally expect to be catering and caring for him on those occasions as he’s the one who invited him - otherwise it won’t be a holiday for the OP.

Show quote history

He's got his own accommodation, they are already going to be spending time with her partners family anyway, dad wont be any more or less than that, either meeting up together or the dad meeting up with his own daughter.

You make it sound like hes bed bound and in their holiday cottage. Such exaggeration

KarlWrenbury · 03/08/2022 16:43

My birthday was in early May last year and my husband encouraged me to invite my parents out for a Sunday lunch in a pub. I’m really glad I did because three weeks later Dad was dead.

I know you can’t leave your whole life planning on someone dying but you’ve got to show your love by doing not thinking.

i think your partner sounds gorgeous.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/08/2022 16:49

I don't think you can really say no now without looking like the bad guy who stopped an old man going on holiday with and to see his family. It's a crap situation to be in because it's lose/lose really. I would feel me trip was going to be a lot more shitty now as well though.

IrisVersicolor · 03/08/2022 16:52

bellac11 · 03/08/2022 16:39

He's got his own accommodation, they are already going to be spending time with her partners family anyway, dad wont be any more or less than that, either meeting up together or the dad meeting up with his own daughter.

You make it sound like hes bed bound and in their holiday cottage. Such exaggeration

Show quote history

You don’t even know what his accommodation is - if it’s just a B&B he may be with them most of the day.

Hanging out with peers is very different to being responsible for an 80 year old. I should know I’m sole carer for my elderly parents.

If you or DP want to invite your 80 year old relative without asking - then you take full responsibility for them.

plinkypots · 03/08/2022 16:53

I couldn't begrudge an 80 year old man a lift to see his kids. Me thinks the family isn't going to be a good fit for you regardless of how the lift situation goes...

handbagsandholidays · 03/08/2022 16:55

123ZYX · 03/08/2022 11:29

I assume his dad will need to sit in the front of the car? I think it would annoy me to be made to sit in the back if not driving, or sitting with his dad if you are. It would mean you and your partner would never be sitting together during the (presumably) several hours long journey - it's always harder to speak to someone in the back if you're in the front.

Could you find a reason to travel down a day earlier or later by train?

I think I would sell it to him as having much more space in the back as he can stretch out across the seats. 😅

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