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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner said he wishes I were more curious about the world

291 replies

Bzzzzzzz · 03/08/2022 05:54

I am educated to Master's level, have lived in a couple of different countries and speak other Languages so I did think I was curious to some level at least. I read the news daily.
My partner doesn't have the qualifications and has mostly worked in 'menial' roles but he certainly reads a lot, has a lot of general knowledge and knows a lot about music.
I'd say I read more non fiction, I do occasionally read fiction but sometimes feel a bit embarrassed that I should have read a lot of the famous novels that I haven't.

Anyway I can occasionally be ditzy.
I was chatting to him yesterday and I said something about the topic of indigenous people. Looking back it was clumsily worded really, but I know what I meant.
He reacted as if I'd asked him to spell my own name. He said, "Omg seriously!!" "Like come on!!" "How on earth can you not know that!!" "What the hell!"
He was clearly annoyed, and I told him that I didn't think it had warranted such an angry reaction, I hadn't said anything controversial or offensive.
Later on we got into a discussion about it and I asked him if he'd have reacted like that if someone else had said it, i.e. a colleague or family member. I couldn't imagine him doing so. He said, "No, as I don't think they'd say something like that." He then calmly explained the mistake I'd made about indigenous people and I told him that's all that had been required.

His elderly aunt said she couldn't picture where NYC was on a map and he didn't say anything to her, but told me later on that he was frustrated at her 'lack of knowledge and curiosity."

Anyway during our discussion he did apologise for overreacting and then told me that I'm great but he "wishes I had more curiosity about the world."

I told him that I understood but I suppose now I'm second guessing. I like to travel, I watch a lot of travel documentaries, I'm interested in current affairs and happy to try new things. It's not the same as saying " You're great but I wish you did the dishes more." For instance.
Just interested to see what others think. I don't want someone to feel intellectually superior to me, though I'm probably just being too sensitive. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 03/08/2022 08:20

rnsaslkih · 03/08/2022 08:18

You don’t make comments about his degree failure - just think about why you tolerate comments about your supposed “failings”. You wouldn’t say it to him.

But she does tell others he works in a 'menial' job, which is in the same ballpark.

Sishirunak · 03/08/2022 08:20

Menial is just an umbrella term like low-skilled, or whatever. It doesn't mean they actually are. Like care work is supposedly 'low skill work" but it certainly isn't.
It maybe was a clumsy choice of word but I imagine it was just to highlight that he hadn't been in 'professional' roles.

thedancingbear · 03/08/2022 08:21

Sishirunak · 03/08/2022 08:20

Menial is just an umbrella term like low-skilled, or whatever. It doesn't mean they actually are. Like care work is supposedly 'low skill work" but it certainly isn't.
It maybe was a clumsy choice of word but I imagine it was just to highlight that he hadn't been in 'professional' roles.

Nah, balls to that. Using 'menial' to describe someone's job is willfully derogatory. You know that, I know that.

BellePeppa · 03/08/2022 08:22

Bzzzzzzz · 03/08/2022 06:24

There was a moment several weeks ago where I named one of the seas wrong. Sometimes your mind just goes blank, I went through a couple before I got to the right one. I'd see the funny side in things like that, but he told me that he thought I could 'do better than that." And again it was a bit like 'omg, seriously?' from him

He sounds like a pompous ass. I suspect he is, as a op said, a gatherer if facts rather than a deep thinker. Maybe you should have a phone call (real or fictitious) in one if your foreign languages that might put him in his place, as he can’t do that can he?

Maymaymay · 03/08/2022 08:22

It sounds like you are in some kind of battle with each other, you mentioning he has 'menial' jobs, him biting your head off for a mistake (unless what you said was offensive then he is totally justified.).

FourTeaFallOut · 03/08/2022 08:24

Maybe you should have a phone call (real or fictitious) in one if your foreign languages that might put him in his place, as he can’t do that can he?

This is just temporary power play. This relationship is broken. There's no good will in it.

Discovereads · 03/08/2022 08:26

midgetastic · 03/08/2022 07:57

So she could have been asking what happened to the indigenous people of Angola when the British invaded

... It's hardly racist but I rather think the French took Angola... so might class as dim

But it's nothing about curiosity - curiosity is asking the question , continually expanding knowledge , what he seems to be complaining about is what facts you do/don't know

Which does feel like an inferiority problem

@midgetastic

Except the OP wasn’t asking a question out of ignorance (faux or otherwise), she was making a statement:

”I was chatting to him yesterday and I said something about the topic of indigenous people.”
”He then calmly explained the mistake I'd made about indigenous people and I told him that's all that had been required.”

Anonykunt · 03/08/2022 08:27

Classic mumsnet. Immediately decides an ignorant comment must be a racist one. There's lots a person might not know about an indigenous people. Language, dress, an area that they inhabited...

Anyway he doesn't sound very nice OP. I'd tell him you're delighted that he has so much general knowledge but you'd appreciate it if he didnt make you feel small about your lack of it.

My husband can be a bit like this- we both have undergraduate degrees. I see him start to smirk and I say "you're not going to start are you?" He says "no!" but he does need reminding. Hmm

rnsaslkih · 03/08/2022 08:27

using menial is simply efficient communication - to strangers online - she isnt standing next to him, meeting someone and saying: hello, this is my dp Steve and he works menial jobs. She’s giving the background to us.

Justlovedogs · 03/08/2022 08:28

ToxicCuntMum · 03/08/2022 06:27

God help you if you stay with him long enough to reach menopause. I don’t think there’s a single noun that hasn’t become a “thingy” since my brain fried.

Show quote history

100% this. I wonder what he would have thought of me last night when whatsit and thingy turned out to be Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones? Confused My description must have been good, though, since DH knew who I meant!! Grin

Discovereads · 03/08/2022 08:30

Classic mumsnet. Immediately decides an ignorant comment must be a racist one. There's lots a person might not know about an indigenous people. Language, dress, an area that they inhabited...

If it were only an innocent comment asked out of perfectly understandable ignorance, then why won’t the OP disclose what she said?

beastlyslumber · 03/08/2022 08:31

I predict that this will keep getting worse, OP. He's insecure and so he's going to keep putting you down to make himself feel better. He's already got you wondering if you're somehow ignorant or incurious even though you are clearly neither. He'll just keep chipping away at you until you're no longer the confident and sparky person you were.

Ditch him, so he doesn't get the chance to hurt your spirit.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/08/2022 08:31

thedancingbear · 03/08/2022 08:09

Well, it depends what she actually said, doesn't it. There are certainly comments that would justify that reply.

But she's refused to tell us.

Show quote history

I'm not sure why so many PP are fixated on what OP said on this one occasion.
It's not the point. The point is that this undermining is a pattern of behaviour from her DP. If he can't cut it out, she should dump him.

thedancingbear · 03/08/2022 08:32

Anonykunt · 03/08/2022 08:27

Classic mumsnet. Immediately decides an ignorant comment must be a racist one. There's lots a person might not know about an indigenous people. Language, dress, an area that they inhabited...

Anyway he doesn't sound very nice OP. I'd tell him you're delighted that he has so much general knowledge but you'd appreciate it if he didnt make you feel small about your lack of it.

My husband can be a bit like this- we both have undergraduate degrees. I see him start to smirk and I say "you're not going to start are you?" He says "no!" but he does need reminding. Hmm

I think the reasonable presumption where people use 'indigenous people' and 'Britain' in the same sentence is that they mean white people who live in the UK are indigenous, whereas people from other backgrounds are not and therefore do not 'belong' here in the same way.

Of course, we can't know, because the OP has decided not to actually tell us. We are all just expected to call her husband a 'prick' etc. for calling the comment out.

florianfortescue · 03/08/2022 08:32

He sounds like an insecure prick who is trying to make you feel small. No one knows everything and dressing it up as your "lack of curiosity" is his way of belittling you.

fruitbrewhaha · 03/08/2022 08:32

"Well I'm really disappointed in your lack of higher education" could have been your response.

We can't all know bloody everything. Or remember it all. You are clearly not a dimwit so he is being a dick.

smileandsing · 03/08/2022 08:32

I don't think you're compatible. He's clearly insecure and trying to bring you down, I'd have been insulted, and furious at those comments too. But you consider him to be beneath you when it comes to qualifications and job role (failed his degree, works in 'menial' job roles). Even if you don't say it, you think it, and he knows that. Maybe this contributes to his insecurities, or maybe he's just a dick. Regardless, you should both find a better suited partner

SuperCamp · 03/08/2022 08:33

So he takes every opportunity to put you down on matters of knowledge?

And use it as a value judgement against you.

I guess your choices are
LTB
Challenge him every time he does it, in a calm direct manner
Lose your shit and yell back at him
Try a long calm, honest discussion about it and tell him how you feel
Try Couples Counselling to get to the bottom of this issue, and where it comes from, and how it gets addressed.

midgetastic · 03/08/2022 08:33

If she said something racist he is a prick because he didn't call it out at all

He complained at her ignorance and lack of curiosity not her racism

thedancingbear · 03/08/2022 08:33

rnsaslkih · 03/08/2022 08:27

using menial is simply efficient communication - to strangers online - she isnt standing next to him, meeting someone and saying: hello, this is my dp Steve and he works menial jobs. She’s giving the background to us.

How would you like it if your DP described your job to his friends (or even people you didn't know) as menial, 'for efficient communication'?

It's the underlying attitude.

Discovereads · 03/08/2022 08:37

midgetastic · 03/08/2022 08:33

If she said something racist he is a prick because he didn't call it out at all

He complained at her ignorance and lack of curiosity not her racism

He did call her out on her comment:
He said, "Omg seriously!!" "Like come on!!" "How on earth can you not know that!!" "What the hell!" He was clearly annoyed, and I told him that I didn't think it had warranted such an angry reaction

thedancingbear · 03/08/2022 08:38

What did you actually say about 'indigenous people', @Bzzzzzzz ?

BigFatLiar · 03/08/2022 08:39

Doesn't sound very supportive.

We're getting to an age where words just don't come out right. I have struggled at times with even our daughters names I'll be saying something like 'it was emm, you know...' and OH will go 'I know Jimmy, Harry, Mike'. Depending on your relationship its fine to have a bit of a tease about things as long as your not mean. He sounds a bit mean. Also watch that these memory issues aren't getting worse, if they are have a word with your GP.

As for New York, I think you'd be surprised at the number of Americans who have problems with their own geography. And if you watch any quiz shows you'll see that a lot of people have little idea of UK geography.

If you were simply chatting to him and what you said was insensitive so what, if you're going to make a faux pas it may as well be with him. As I said we're older, as are most of our friends, and we were brought up before 'ism' was a thing so sometimes things slip out. Nobody gets upset, nobody creates a scene, someone usually simply says 'you're not meant to say it like that'.

Discovereads · 03/08/2022 08:40

thedancingbear · 03/08/2022 08:32

I think the reasonable presumption where people use 'indigenous people' and 'Britain' in the same sentence is that they mean white people who live in the UK are indigenous, whereas people from other backgrounds are not and therefore do not 'belong' here in the same way.

Of course, we can't know, because the OP has decided not to actually tell us. We are all just expected to call her husband a 'prick' etc. for calling the comment out.

Show quote history

Yes, or speaking about how much indigenous peoples in the former colonies have “benefitted” from colonisation by Britain.

There’s really not many innocent, informed things that can be said with ‘Britain’ and ‘indigenous peoples’ in the same sentence that would cause a totally unwarranted angry reaction.

HaveringWavering · 03/08/2022 08:41

Elsa2000 · 03/08/2022 07:33

I sort of get it. My husband has zero interest in politics or the world. Literally we could be at war and he wouldn’t have a clue. He’s always the last to know key news. He has zero idea who any sports person is. He has no clue about the world… or how it works. Key questions in our life I have to do all the research and thinking on… should we fix our mortgage, which credit card is best, can we afford to move, which school is best, should we change energy providers, what are the covid rules this week.

he is only interested in one very small subject area (tv show) and that’s it. He knows everything there is about that. And spends a lot of time online researching that. But he won’t take part in conversations about politics, the world, sport, science, current affairs etc. when he tries it’s really awkward because he doesn’t know anything. My child knows more about politics than him.

it’s incredibly frustrating because it really limits our conversation and I get annoyed with him because I am forced to research all the stuff and move our life forward.

Bloody hell that's extreme. Is he neurodiverse?

How in earth did you even manage to hit it off enough to get together?