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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partner said he wishes I were more curious about the world

291 replies

Bzzzzzzz · 03/08/2022 05:54

I am educated to Master's level, have lived in a couple of different countries and speak other Languages so I did think I was curious to some level at least. I read the news daily.
My partner doesn't have the qualifications and has mostly worked in 'menial' roles but he certainly reads a lot, has a lot of general knowledge and knows a lot about music.
I'd say I read more non fiction, I do occasionally read fiction but sometimes feel a bit embarrassed that I should have read a lot of the famous novels that I haven't.

Anyway I can occasionally be ditzy.
I was chatting to him yesterday and I said something about the topic of indigenous people. Looking back it was clumsily worded really, but I know what I meant.
He reacted as if I'd asked him to spell my own name. He said, "Omg seriously!!" "Like come on!!" "How on earth can you not know that!!" "What the hell!"
He was clearly annoyed, and I told him that I didn't think it had warranted such an angry reaction, I hadn't said anything controversial or offensive.
Later on we got into a discussion about it and I asked him if he'd have reacted like that if someone else had said it, i.e. a colleague or family member. I couldn't imagine him doing so. He said, "No, as I don't think they'd say something like that." He then calmly explained the mistake I'd made about indigenous people and I told him that's all that had been required.

His elderly aunt said she couldn't picture where NYC was on a map and he didn't say anything to her, but told me later on that he was frustrated at her 'lack of knowledge and curiosity."

Anyway during our discussion he did apologise for overreacting and then told me that I'm great but he "wishes I had more curiosity about the world."

I told him that I understood but I suppose now I'm second guessing. I like to travel, I watch a lot of travel documentaries, I'm interested in current affairs and happy to try new things. It's not the same as saying " You're great but I wish you did the dishes more." For instance.
Just interested to see what others think. I don't want someone to feel intellectually superior to me, though I'm probably just being too sensitive. Not sure what to do.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 03/08/2022 08:43

He sounds like a wanker.

1VY · 03/08/2022 08:44

nottalot · 03/08/2022 06:06

No OP, I wouldn't expect my partner to yell at me or be angry or biting if I'd made a mistake. And I wouldn't expect him to make me feel small or unworthy either.

Flowers

This.

HaveringWavering · 03/08/2022 08:44

midgetastic · 03/08/2022 07:57

So she could have been asking what happened to the indigenous people of Angola when the British invaded

... It's hardly racist but I rather think the French took Angola... so might class as dim

But it's nothing about curiosity - curiosity is asking the question , continually expanding knowledge , what he seems to be complaining about is what facts you do/don't know

Which does feel like an inferiority problem

Er, Angola was a Portuguese colony...

MerchedBeca · 03/08/2022 08:46

Bzzzzzzz · 03/08/2022 06:24

There was a moment several weeks ago where I named one of the seas wrong. Sometimes your mind just goes blank, I went through a couple before I got to the right one. I'd see the funny side in things like that, but he told me that he thought I could 'do better than that." And again it was a bit like 'omg, seriously?' from him

That's because your intelligence includes emotional intelligence and his doesn't. Or in other words, you are a decent, compassionate person and he is a dick.

The only character flaw I can identify in you from this thread is being too ready to give any kind of legitimacy to his view of events by questioning whether you are indeed not curious enough. That's nonsense to justify his dickish behaviour.

Please consider moving on, you deserve better.

Hopeandlove · 03/08/2022 08:47

Ragwort · 03/08/2022 06:09

I think it sounds rather patronising of him to say 'I wish you had more curiosity about the world' as if he is more knowledgeable and superior to you. I wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship like that. What is he like in other ways?

This. I once went out with a man in my early 40s who had limited qualifications but had worked himself up in the huge company - I was proud of him and his knowledge. But he sneered at me on occasions about music and my qualifications - he called my phd a ‘piece of shit that anyone can get’ etc - major red flags.

what my degrees taught me is how little I know. I learn about zoology constantly and the Romans as they interest me. He knew lots and lots about music and football - that’s brill but don’t knock my interests down.

in the end despite everything he was interviewing for a position and having been given the short list was just awful about one of the candidates because he had been ‘to Cambridge where you got your shitty phd and blah blah blah’ and I finished it and informed HR. It was like reverse snobbery - I accepted him.

I sent him a bit of rock when we finished after her returned a gift of mine and he asked what it was and I was like it’s a chip for your shoulder.

honestly I’ve had many a shit relationship but he was foul

WahWahWahs · 03/08/2022 08:49

I haven’t RTFT because this just screams ‘chip on shoulder’ to me.
He’s insecure about his own qualifications compared to yours.
which would make me feel sympathy for him if he weren’t such a petty dickhead in his reaction to you.
Some people (teenagers, mostly!) make themselves feel better by jeering at the thing they’re afraid of in other people.
Tell him to grow up and treat you and your interests with more respect or you may well start pointing out his mistakes or lack of knowledge.
You’re not the whipping boy for his self-esteem.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 03/08/2022 08:52

does he have a chip on his shoulder? it sounds like it. I'd be better read, etc if it wasn't for the fact I'm running my own business, juggling house/children/life, hustling to bring home the money lol. he sounds like a d1ck to be honest.

CowPalace · 03/08/2022 08:52

I think it matters what you said. I think it matters that you won’t repeat it.

And I don’t think you will get balanced replies on here. Mn is a particular instance of the British suspicion of knowledgeability. The threads on here about ‘things I didn’t know’ are hair-raising.

montysma1 · 03/08/2022 08:53

He sounds like a patronizing dick. I would arm myself to the eyeballs with info on a particular topic and engineer a discussion about it (which seems to be what he does).
I would then patronise the face off him, before dumping for his lack of general knowledge.

There will be a reason he failed his degree, ie, he wasnt up to it. Nothing to do with "wrong uni".

This produces a huge chip on the shoulder. I have met many of the type.

Primatrying · 03/08/2022 08:55

He sounds mean. No-one can possibly know everything. Sometimes my husband surprises me by not knowing something I thought everyone knew. But other times I surprise him the same way! As a pp said, not knowing doesn't equal lack of curiosity. Not caring about the answer might.

Wheresthebeach · 03/08/2022 08:56

Chip on his shoulder. Trying to make himself feel 'smart' by belittling others.

He failed his degree for a reason...he wasn't up to it and now he's constantly trying to take you down a peg.

balalake · 03/08/2022 08:56

If he thought you did not care about what happens elsewhere in the world (or even closer to home), I'd agree with him. Not the case with you, sounds just like unwarranted criticism.

CuriousMama · 03/08/2022 08:57

I hope you haven't had dcs with him. How long have you been together?

thedancingbear · 03/08/2022 08:57

CowPalace · 03/08/2022 08:52

I think it matters what you said. I think it matters that you won’t repeat it.

And I don’t think you will get balanced replies on here. Mn is a particular instance of the British suspicion of knowledgeability. The threads on here about ‘things I didn’t know’ are hair-raising.

It also has an alarming capacity to minimise and explain away/brush off racism, which seems to have become worse in recent times (which is not to say the OP has been racist - of course, she's declining to tell us what she said).

pylonpal · 03/08/2022 08:57

OP he is a shit who likes to feel superior to you.

Anyone who puts someone down like that for not knowing something is just a nob. It’s a horrible way to behave.

I used to date someone like that. Was such a feeling of relief and freedom when I dumped him.

You are clearly a well educated and knowledgeable woman and he is make you doubt yourself. He’s doing the same as men who make their girlfriends think they are ugly, through regular put downs.

HaveringWavering · 03/08/2022 08:57

Unfortunately it sounds like you are not compatible and instead of him being an emotionally intelligent adult and ending the relationship he has decided to shout at and belittle you.

When you pointed out that he would not have said that to a friend or family member, you highlighted the lack of respect he has for you and the contempt in which he holds you. If a friend had said what you said he'd have bitten his tongue completely or explained calmly. Because it's you he thinks he has some sort of right to treat you like a bad, bullying parent would treat a child not working hard enough at school. And why does he do that? Because he doesn't really like you very much any more.

And all this "you're great but I wish you were more curious about the world"- patronising twat. If he wants a different partner he needs to fuck off and find one, not bully and threaten you into changing. Because once you've spent 3 weeks on Wikipedia researching post-colonial Africa the next thing will be "you're great but I wish you were thinner" "you're great but I wish you were a better cook" - it will never end.

NoKandoo · 03/08/2022 08:58

He sounds like a bore. I couldn't be arsed with this.

Degree doesn't have a capital D, btw (other than at the start of this sentence, obviously).

pylonpal · 03/08/2022 09:01

CowPalace · 03/08/2022 08:52

I think it matters what you said. I think it matters that you won’t repeat it.

And I don’t think you will get balanced replies on here. Mn is a particular instance of the British suspicion of knowledgeability. The threads on here about ‘things I didn’t know’ are hair-raising.

Solution! Dump your partner, OP and he can date @CowPalace instead. They can enjoy finding each other ‘hair raising’ for the things they don’t know!

Vainandjustrealised · 03/08/2022 09:01

pylonpal · 03/08/2022 08:57

OP he is a shit who likes to feel superior to you.

Anyone who puts someone down like that for not knowing something is just a nob. It’s a horrible way to behave.

I used to date someone like that. Was such a feeling of relief and freedom when I dumped him.

You are clearly a well educated and knowledgeable woman and he is make you doubt yourself. He’s doing the same as men who make their girlfriends think they are ugly, through regular put downs.

I had the same
The relief when I dumped him OMG

Constantly belittled my career progression to partner 'look at you big grown up girl now'.

dreamingbohemian · 03/08/2022 09:02

I mean I notice the OP has given us the context that supports her side of things (she has an MA, has lived abroad) but not the context that explains his reaction (what she actually said)

She admits what she said was 'clumsily worded' which usually only gets trotted out when someone says something objectionable

It's entirely possible her partner is an insecure jerk, it's also possible he was reasonably appalled that the OP had no idea that for example Jamaica used to be a British colony.

RightMessUp · 03/08/2022 09:02

He sounds really annoying.

Do you want to have kids at some point? If so then do you think he sounds like good Dad material. What if your kids aren't bright? What if he continues to belittle you in front of the kids?

My DH and I are caulk and cheese academically but we have very different skills and I don't think it matters. He is incredibly knowledge about world politics and I'm really not but I've other interests. My husband is completely devoid of any practical skills so we are a good team.

He has NEVER been condescending or patronising towards me.

BishFish · 03/08/2022 09:03

He sounds like a dick.

Prunel · 03/08/2022 09:03

He feels inferior to you and he’s trying to level the playing field
is he truly supportive of any success you have?

30mph · 03/08/2022 09:05

Its a strange reaction, unless there is more context or background? Is he possibly comparing you unfavourably to another person in his circle..?

A more normal reaction would be to either ignore your mistake (say if you were just a friend or acquaintance), offer a pleasant correction (closer friend!), or correct with a gentle mutual banter (intimate friend/lover). Certainly not to react with anger.

There's more to this exchange; he is disrespecting you for a reason, or he actually feels threatened by your formal education. Can you initiate a discussion and try to get further information and understanding?

BishFish · 03/08/2022 09:06

He also sounds as though he doesn’t like you very much.

You didn’t even need him to “calmly explain”
something to you to explain that you’d got it “wrong”. He is not your teacher. He sounds like a self-righteous little knob who deals with his own insecurities by convincing himself he is more clever than others.