Partner said he wishes I were more curious about the world

[Bzzzzzzz]

I am educated to Master's level, have lived in a couple of different countries and speak other Languages so I did think I was curious to some level at least. I read the news daily.
My partner doesn't have the qualifications and has mostly worked in 'menial' roles but he certainly reads a lot, has a lot of general knowledge and knows a lot about music.
I'd say I read more non fiction, I do occasionally read fiction but sometimes feel a bit embarrassed that I should have read a lot of the famous novels that I haven't.

Anyway I can occasionally be ditzy.
I was chatting to him yesterday and I said something about the topic of indigenous people. Looking back it was clumsily worded really, but I know what I meant.
He reacted as if I'd asked him to spell my own name. He said, "Omg seriously!!" "Like come on!!" "How on earth can you not know that!!" "What the hell!"
He was clearly annoyed, and I told him that I didn't think it had warranted such an angry reaction, I hadn't said anything controversial or offensive.
Later on we got into a discussion about it and I asked him if he'd have reacted like that if someone else had said it, i.e. a colleague or family member. I couldn't imagine him doing so. He said, "No, as I don't think they'd say something like that." He then calmly explained the mistake I'd made about indigenous people and I told him that's all that had been required.

His elderly aunt said she couldn't picture where NYC was on a map and he didn't say anything to her, but told me later on that he was frustrated at her 'lack of knowledge and curiosity."

Anyway during our discussion he did apologise for overreacting and then told me that I'm great but he "wishes I had more curiosity about the world."

I told him that I understood but I suppose now I'm second guessing. I like to travel, I watch a lot of travel documentaries, I'm interested in current affairs and happy to try new things. It's not the same as saying " You're great but I wish you did the dishes more." For instance.
Just interested to see what others think. I don't want someone to feel intellectually superior to me, though I'm probably just being too sensitive. Not sure what to do.

I often search a thread for a keyword before I post as there's little point in repeating what everyone else has said - I searched for the word "chip" as that was my first thought...

@DorothyZbornakIsAQueen
@ganvough
@PermanentTemporary
@Arrivederla
@neverbeenskiing
@Dotcheck
@beastlyslumber
@WahWahWahs
@IWentAwayIStayedAway
@montysma1
@Wheresthebeach
@SpongeBobJudgeyPants
@DianaBarry5
@Adversity

all said the same thing so - you have your answer.

Getting qualifications often isn't about raw intellectual power or capacity - other qualities matter greatly - consistency, application and hard work, organisational skills, ability to prioritise and focus, ability to ask for help and co-operate with others... what is the reason your partner doesn't have similar qualifications? It could be that he simply never had the support and encouragement or even the opportunity to study. It could be that he didn't apply himself when it mattered.

In any case I've worked with many exceptionally bright and talented people who for one reason or another never attained high academic qualifications - they worked their way up on merit. Maybe your partner could do with some encouragement to start studying for something that interests him - it sounds like he might be a bright guy that would enjoy a chance to show what he is capable of - maybe he doesn't need it in life now - get him into a pub quiz team or on a TV quiz.

Nothing wrong with being ditzy - I know some smart ditzy people - they have their minds on other things sometimes and trip up on simple everyday things.

Like Love Island or the Kardashians.

Questioning your own mind is a really a sign of intelligemce. Regurgitating facts and statistics of little relevance to one another is not. What I wish is that more people were aware of this.

• actually rather than a really

No. You posted:

'Accept that she is a massive racist and re-evaluate their relationship
Neither of these requires... asking her to change'

I disagree fundamentally. If someone is knowingly racist (or misogynistic, or whatever), it's upon all of us to say something, to let them know their attitudes are unacceptable. We can't afford to skirt over it because of politeness.

Your attitude is anti-anti-racist.

I am sorry but I think you have a problem in your relationship - it doesn't matter what you said and whether it was ditzy or not - life is hard enough we need the people closest to us to be supportive of us.
I can be dizty - I have ADHD and executive function deficits. Didn't stop me getting a degree and having a great career but sometimes I am dizty!

He sounds like a dickhead. It's like he is waiting for you to get something wrong so he can demonstrate his intellectual superiority. I wouldn't want to be around someone like that. It's to much pressure. Some people are good as somethings and some are good at other things. That doesn't make one better than the other just different. He needs to embrace the differences.

My brain was once on a logical trip and decided that it must be possible to swim UNDER countries and continents. I meant of course, that as everything is connected to the planet, if you tipped all the water out, the countries would be sitting high up on rock stalks coming from the earth. (I was talking about a relief map of the planet, which I have since seen, and remain convinced that my premis was possible). HOWEVER, unfortunately my musings were aloud and my DH and DILwas thought I thought that the continents floated around and people could swim under them. I tried explaining but it wasn't worth it. If you think about it, if you were able to, you should technically be able to follow the 'roots' of everything on the surface down as a swimmer. I mean it's technically possible..... Am I making sense to anyone?

I haven't read the whole thread - but basically he is a nasty belittling mansplaining man...
Who gives him the right to deem 'someone should be more curious about the world'..oh go f**k off to next tuesday mate !
and as for being critical of his 80 yr old granny..well words fail me..she is 80 FFS who cares if she cannot find NYC on a map, bet she doesnt !

My ex bf was a bit like this and was very narcissistic and snobby about the books he read. When we were first together he dismissed my psychology degree as rubbish but when he saw how difficult some of the assignments were he changed his mind. He had a chip on his shoulder because he wasn’t as qualified as he should have been.

The best way to deal with it is to play him at his own game and don’t show him that you’re bothered. My ex would suddenly ask me questions like ‘Name the last ten Prime Ministers’ and I’m not really sure whether it was meant to intimidate me but it really didn’t.

Are there areas in which you have more knowledge than him? If so, if he starts his antics, immediately ask him a question that you know he doesn’t know the answer to. Learning to deal with difficult people is a far more useful skill than being able to pinpoint a place on a map.

Loads of couples manage just fine when there is a qualification difference, if they are actually as smart as each other and there is mutual respect.

You should have a stern word with him about the chip on his shoulder. You should also consider whether this chip is manifesting itself in other areas of your life: Does he get annoyed by having to do doing menial tasks? Does he sneer at your friends if they are well-qualified? If you pick him up on an error does he go nuts and sulk?

You may wish to reconsider your partnership with this man.

Don't be obtuse @thedancingbear . Clearly by leaving his partner due to her being a big old racist he'd be calling her out, don't you think?

Are you planning on having children with him? is he going to put their mum down when you say stuff? I have high educational quals (PhD etc) but at times, I get cognitive overload and muddle up words, and my kids names, and simple phrases! I also know a lot about some areas and not very much at all about others, I missed a lot of school when younger and really don't know much about scientific principles, I am also not that interested in learning at this point.

I would be concerned about being with a man who mocks you and goes on and on when you get something wrong. I've never met a person who doesn't get things wrong occasionally, even really clever people, and that's why you don't depend on one person to make huge decision ideally, but rather a team with expertise (so that's why they have ideally three judges at appeals courts not one).

He just sounds like an idiot himself exclaiming how uncurious and stupid you are.

But why are you doubting yourself and positioning yourself as the less intelligent one? There's no evidence of that. You need to state calmly to him that he also makes mistakes and yet you don't rudely exclaim over them, and that it's very rude to do that to you.

If he continues to put you down, and you believe him (why?) then it is a horrible dynamic.

He sounds like a prick who feels emasculated by the fact he failed his degree (I didn't know that was possible) and you're more highly qualified.

I know a lot about the world and have a big interest in history, linguistics, politics, environment, children, animals, art, business you name it.

But I'm not an encyclopedia and that isn't what being interesting and knowledgeable is about.

I do prefer to talk to people who are interested in the world and interested in discussing things but remembering details is not necessary for that.

My STBHX has done this to me.

He grew up with two parents obsessed with classical music. I didn’t but grew my own tastes as a teenager. As I’ve grown older I’ve added some classical music. But I now very rarely listen to music at all.

He uses that as the bar to say my tastes are very narrow. I had to remind him I was the one who had bought Gregorian Chanting. I have a room filled with books, he hardly ever reads, I actually have more qualifications than him. I watch more documentaries and vary my news sources. He only listens to radio 4.

What he means is I don’t have that exact same interests as him (motor bikes and tool making) and I don’t know and love tons of classical music. It just a way to put me down so he can feel better about himself.

He is insecure about his level of education compared to yours so is covering it with trying to make you feel stupid over trivial things. He is a dickhead, lose him.

Oh OP, it sounds like he has a massive inferiority complex, and if it follows the same pattern as my partner then unfortunately it gets worse with age. There is no-way he would try going to University again, he knows that he might not quite have enough intelligence to pass, and I think that he just couldn't take what he would feel was the awful humiliation of not passing. Please don't let his crippling insecurities bring you down as well 💐

I think the most interesting bits about your initial post are the start and the end

I am educated to Masters level

I don't want someone to feel intellectually superior to me

Living with someone who felt it was important that they were the most intellectually superior in the relationship would definitely start to grate on me. It sounds like your feelings about this have not gone unnoticed and you've got yourself some competiton on your hands, rather than both being able to accept each others strengths where they lie.

Not necessarily, no. If I ever (got forbid) had to leave someone for being a racist, I'd make pretty sure they knew that I thought it was unacceptable, and had to change their ways. I'd feel a moral obligation to do so, and it wouldn't be a polite conversation. I am sick of being told to 'be kind' to arseholes.

Sounds like a complete and utter knob who is trying to belittle you and pick fault in every little mistake - probably because he feels inferior to you.

I'd be removing myself from this situation pronto.

This.

He has a massive chip on his shoulder.

His huge insecurityand small mindedness has made him very competitive of you.

He feels the need to put you down.

Not a loving partner.

Not someone who will wholeheartedly celebrate your success.

Rather someone who will needle and pick at you.

This is who he is.

You will be a very silly woman if you do not take this on board.

Having children with him will be awful for you and the poor children who grow up watching their mother bullied and undermined.

Ignore this at your peril.

He's not a nice fellow.

Look at your self esteem and self respect because if any man attempted that to someone with firm boundaries, they would be asked "who the hell do you think you are speaking to" and dumped.

Insecure little man.

Ick.

Aren't you being a bit obtuse though? Because if you dumped someone for being a racist, that is quite unequivocally letting them know that you find their racism unacceptable.

The thread isn't about racism, though, so this is all just a big opportunity to virtue signal derail.

Not really. Your point was that, even if she was being wilfully racist, there was no reason for him to be critical of her. He shouldn’t try to ‘change her’ and should just calmly and politely leave the relationship. I say, fuck that. If someone is a deliberate racist, then I’m going to tell them. And I don’t owe them kindness.

and this thread is absolutely about race. The OP has made a comment about ‘indigenous people’ (she declines to tell us the detail) and her husband criticising her for it. It is at the heart of the matter.

and your allegations of ‘virtue signalling’ and ‘derailing’ are classic tactics of anti-anti-racists when they want to shut down discussion.

I think we understand each other at this point. I won’t engage with you further.

@thedancingbear you seem to be confusing @beastlyslumber, who agrees with me, with me, the poster who made the original "2 options" post.

If you read my post again, you will see that I did not state that option 2 (which applied in the event that the person was indeed a racist) was to "calmly and politely leave the relationship". You have inferred that, it was not written.

What I said was that he should "reevaluate the relationship". What I was trying to say is that the man (presuming he abhorred racism) should not stay with someone who was a racist. As part of the breaking up process I assumed it was obvious that some harsh truths would be spoken to the racist person.

When I said that neither scenario involves the man trying to "change" the racist I meant "change her in order to stay in the relationship" ie suggest that they can still be together and in love if she will only change her ways and alter her beliefs. It was referring to the DP suggesting that all would be fine and dandy as long as OP became "more curious about the world", which many posters on here have read as code for "became a bit less racist". As women are advised on here thread after thread, it's usually pointless to try to change someone to salvage a relationship- much better to listen to them when they tell you who they are and move on to someone who is a better fit for you.

All this stemmed from the various posters who insisted that we could only know who was in the right by deciding for ourselves whether what they OP said was racist or not. I was trying to say that that was actually irrelevant as his behaviour was wrong in both the "is a racist" and "is not a racist" analyses.

And for the avoidance of doubt OP this is all theoretical because I doubt what you said was something that sounded racist, sounds more like he was just happy to go OTT declaring how stupid he thought you were.

He sounds like a dick. "You can do better" is what you say to a child who scribbled out some half baked homework, not your partner.
He's making you feel miserable, knocking your confidence and acting like you're a disappointment.

As for swotting up on indiginous populations - read up on stuff if you are interested OP, and want to learn about for yourself, not so you meet his idea
of who you should be because that's a slippery slope with no end.