Is it ever ok to start tidying someone else's house without being asked. I think it's bloody ride

[Hoorhhuudde]

It's a MIL one.
We have two under fives and our house is in the process of being sorted out for our expected third baby. It's clean. I did the hoovering, mopped the floors etc before the in-laws came to visit. It's tidy in the way a toddler filled house can be. It's not minimalist retiree tidy.

MIL has never coped well with being a guest. Hovers round me asking to help. I tell her we have a small kitchen, I know where everything is and I don't need help. DH reinforces that we don't do too many cooks in the kitchen because it hinders, doesn't help and we have this rule even when it's just me and him.

Anyway, hovering commenced whilst I was trying to dish up family meal, with all the various meal preferences and extra faff that guests tend to bring. Politely sent MIL out of kitchen. DH putting out cutlery etc in living room.

Come in and she's 'tidying' the kids toys. I have SEN children so stations of things we use daily like mood boards etc. Swept into random places. It wasn't the type of thing where there was an obvious toy box and she was just putting them back. It was like she had deemed it not tidy enough and was implementing her own random system. And it was really random. It actually looked worse than when she started.
I've just spent ten minutes searching out things from random places. Am I being unreasonable here? Is this normal guest behaviour?
For context I wouldn't tidy up in someone's house unprompted but I'd get my kids and I to help when tidying was happening or offer if an appropriate time.

Yabu- yes it's normal to do impromptu tidying
Yanbu- that's a bit weird

I think she probably means well. I know for a fact my adult son and daughter leave stuff knowing I'm popping over because they know I will sort it. They are both always delighted when I go and clean at theirs whilst they are away with work or on holiday. I never do anything as a criticism of them, I do it so that it's one less thing for them to do. I'd harness the MIL, have a loaded basket of ironing (as dd does) or similar so that you have something for her to do when she asks.

My DMUM does this and to me it is a criticism. Like her way is right and mine isn’t. I said this to my DH today after she left. She wouldn’t do it in anyone else’s home, but mine she thinks this is ok. It really gets my goat.

Yesterday I was hanging my washing out and she was redoing it the other end! Then later she came rushing upstairs in a panic as she had turned off my DH’s computer by mistake after trying to turn off my coffee maker. I told her “that will teach you for tidying up”. She has no reason to do any “tidying” at all. I don’t expect (or want it) and never ask- she just feels she has the right to. But why? She would hate it if I did the same at hers.

On Sunday throughout lunch I got several items out ready to use and she had put them all away before I had the chance! So annoying.

God lord she was trying to help as your have 2 kids and another one on the way. You would be writing a thread complaining that " she never offers to help" if she didn't tidy. Some people can not do right no matter what!

Yes I have once cleaned a friends flat without her asking. I was staying over for a few days and she had popped out to a doctors appointment for a couple of hours so I was left chilling in the flat.

In my defence it was absolutely revolting. Every dish and pan was dirty, rubbish and recycling on the floor. Piles of fag ends in ash trays. It. Was. Vile.

She was going through a heavy depressive episode at the time. Didn't help that her flat was tiny.

I did the basics- I took the rubbish and recycling out, washed dried and put away the dishes and put all the dirty clothes into the laundry bin. I could have spent all weekend cleaning.

She didn't seem fussed either way that I had done it (depressed).

In your case, I don't think your MIL should have cleared up. Maybe give her a childcare activity to do- tell her to entertain the kids or read them a story.

Ah but you are the mother of DDs and therefore perfect in the eyes of MN. Mothers in law are not regarded in the same way.

I really really wouldn't. In an ideal world. I'd like guests to relax and be guests, enjoy the break.

I'm also of the opinion that I'm a grown adult who has a husband that pulls.his weight and kids that are learning to tidy their own things. We manage fine without guests rescuing us. It's unnecessary. We're not living in piles of fag ash like the poster above. It's a normal household with children. No SOS required.

No, she didn't. She mentioned mood boards etc. that they have in stations to use every day.

I hate this, I have a friend who looked after our house for 2 days. I expected she would clean her dishes, maybe empty the bin.
but she had cleaned the house top to bottom.
i had to text her for weeks asking if she remembered where she had moved things to.
she had reorganised my kitchen so much that I didn’t want to cook in it as it didn’t flow how I liked

Especially when historically I've cleaned the bathroom etc before they visit and then she asks to clean it on day one. Feels like a comment.

of course it is a comment.

All those saying MILs can't do right etc. are you ignoring the people on the thread who said their own mothers do this and it drives me crazy. I really do love my mil - call her more than dh does and have an independent relationship with her that is very loving. But this thing of insisting on being in the kitchen drove me up the walls. It is astonishing to me how women are expected to just put up with whatever someone else wants to impose on them and they are rude and ungrateful if they don't just give in. I was very unselfish and generous in many ways with mil and I'm sure OP is too. Just this one effing thing of not helping in the kitchen every dinner or cleaning your house. why is it so hard?

When my kids have places and partners of their own I will ask what I should do, I will read the room to see if it is a polite ah no need or a genuine one, will check in with my own child if I'm in doubt and then I will either help or sit and do whatever they'd prefer me to do because it isn't all about me.

well obvs what she is doing is annoying you...you can continue to be annoyed, or blow up and experience the consequences, or try something that might help.....your choice really.

I think lots of us do the little helpful jobs that we wish someone had done for us when we had a young family and were hosting.

I doubt she is trying to upset you, and I doubt you'd be this upset with your own mum. When you know she's coming, have a job ready. If it's a genuine help to you then it's worth ten seconds of thinking time.

Yikes I can see that suggesting you wouldn't mind if it was your own mum has already been done a lot and was not well received. Sorry!

I love it when my mum comes to visit us for exactly this reason. She just cracks on and does what she can see needs doing. For the two/three days she’s here my life runs so much better!

Allowed?

As opposed to 'welcome to'?

“Id hope she'd just be proud DH pulls his weight and helps out by setting the table. She does it all at theirs and fil just sits there.”

😂 oh dear- this very much feels like at least part of the answer @Hoorhhuudde -the poor woman is probably dying to get away from FiL, that’s probably why she does everything at there’s - so she doesn’t have to come up with small talk with him. Sounds like getting your husband to get her to help could be a good compromise, you can just chat FiL and maybe figure out if that’s what’s driving her.

The bathroom thing might feel like a comment, it probably is, but maybe not an insult. I see it a bit like when an intern comes into a workplace you’ve been in for 5+ years or whatever and they are vaguely insulted that you think you have some wisdom to impart. Thing is you probably do, because you’ve been doing it for way longer and you’ve learned a thing or two. So it’s quite annoying when they roll their eyes or raise their eyebrows when you mention you typically ask for a name and number when a client calls for someone who’s not there.
I think women of a certain generation do have a genuine expertise that no one really cares about anymore. There’s nothing my DM loves more than when I ask her how she approaches cleaning something, or if I ask for a recipe of hers, or any kind of practical advice. The fact is I work full-time, I’ve never had the experience of “running a household” full-time. It’s definitely a set of skills she has more of than me. I know a lot of people on here don’t see that as an actual job, but for my DM and MiL’s generation it genuinely would have been, it required know-how and housewives in a social group would be known for being particularly good at different things, cooking, entertaining, dressmaking, and they’d trade tips, just like in any workplace. A lot of them might have worked outside the house part time as well, but their main domain was the house and children in my community anyway. I feel sort of sorry for them, a lot of them would have been impressively following the correct pathway of how to be a good mother/wife/woman, but now no one’s that impressed anymore. Most of us do in our spare time after work what some of them devoted their lives to.

Maybe getting ahead of the comment and asking her advice on cleaning or cooking would make her feel more valued and would be less annoying for you?
Nearly all women LOVE giving advice! Just at this place!

Anyway, the answer is simple:

"MIL, can you not tidy up please. I appreciate that you want to help, but it means that I can't find things when you've gone because they're not where I or the kids left them"

I'm sorry, I'm not a Victorian. I don't say welcome to or retire to the living room.

I also don't say allowed to, but it's fairly obvious the activities that are useful and on offer. I can't be micro managing an adult.

It depends how close. I dont really mind family or my best friend doing a little tidying to help out (best friend sometimes puts toys away whilst I'm putting DD to bed and DH doing dishes or vice versa). Someone I wasn't close to I would find it weird

Do your children like board games? My daughter would rather pull her own teeth out than play a board game, but I don’t mind them. So that’s what I do when I feel awkward because there’s not much to do , I get the kids to bring out the Dobble set, or the Happy Families cards and they love it. We might even do a puzzle and put it away after!

Sounds like the house is too small to accommodate them as guests for any length of time or without a purpose like a meal. I'd get them to take the DC out for 30 mins or an hour before dinner, to playground or round the block on scooters etc, then prepare dinner in peace and dish up as soon as they walk through the door.

I had to have a very frank conversation with my dm, which initially caused some upset but in the long run has been so beneficial. I explained I was so grateful she wanted to help but I needed her to ask what she could do to be of most help, rather than her do something 'helpful' then inform me what she'd done to help. I explained how I felt that her 'help' felt like a criticism, which turned out to be the opposite of what she was trying to do, she genuinely wanted to help.

I would give structured things to do with the dc - can you read this book with ds? Can you supervise dd drawing with her pens? Can you play this game with ds? Then also as soon as you realise she has moved something ask her where it is and ask her to put it back in the right place - 'MIL, the mood board which was here is missing, I need it back now, please can you find where you have put it? Oh and Molly's red pram should be here so we know where it is as she won't leave home without it. Can you find it and put it back please?' It might be more effort the first few times but then hopefully she will learn that she ends up having to get everything out again every time.

Just a thought too, with the genetic link with some SEN, could she have some undiagnosed needs which might explain some of her difficulties with picking up on cues?

I would love someone to come and tidy my house

This! It's rude for you and your husband to both be in the kitchen leaving her on her own with the kids if she is a guest.