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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ever ok to start tidying someone else's house without being asked. I think it's bloody ride

139 replies

Hoorhhuudde · 02/08/2022 20:35

It's a MIL one.
We have two under fives and our house is in the process of being sorted out for our expected third baby. It's clean. I did the hoovering, mopped the floors etc before the in-laws came to visit. It's tidy in the way a toddler filled house can be. It's not minimalist retiree tidy.

MIL has never coped well with being a guest. Hovers round me asking to help. I tell her we have a small kitchen, I know where everything is and I don't need help. DH reinforces that we don't do too many cooks in the kitchen because it hinders, doesn't help and we have this rule even when it's just me and him.

Anyway, hovering commenced whilst I was trying to dish up family meal, with all the various meal preferences and extra faff that guests tend to bring. Politely sent MIL out of kitchen. DH putting out cutlery etc in living room.

Come in and she's 'tidying' the kids toys. I have SEN children so stations of things we use daily like mood boards etc. Swept into random places. It wasn't the type of thing where there was an obvious toy box and she was just putting them back. It was like she had deemed it not tidy enough and was implementing her own random system. And it was really random. It actually looked worse than when she started.
I've just spent ten minutes searching out things from random places. Am I being unreasonable here? Is this normal guest behaviour?
For context I wouldn't tidy up in someone's house unprompted but I'd get my kids and I to help when tidying was happening or offer if an appropriate time.

Yabu- yes it's normal to do impromptu tidying
Yanbu- that's a bit weird

OP posts:
godmum56 · 02/08/2022 20:37

Time for a conversation i think.....are there jobs she could do that would, if not actually helpful, at least keep her busy?

TowerRavenSeven · 02/08/2022 20:37

Yanbu, but I think she meant well.

moreteensthansense · 02/08/2022 20:37

My MIL used to do this and it is infuriating. One time she tidied inside my wardrobe but the one I completely lost my rag over was when she wiped out my cutlery drawer. We get on much better now we only visit her at her house.

justfiveminutes · 02/08/2022 20:38

But you know she means well and just wants to be useful, so hard to be too cross surely.

WaterMeloncholy · 02/08/2022 20:38

This is the only reason invite my mum over 🤣

I always do my best friends dishes when I go to hers. I know she appreciates it though.

Haggisfish3 · 02/08/2022 20:39

I love random tidiers. Can you really not find her a job to do?!

NoSquirrels · 02/08/2022 20:40

She means well, and is clearly the type that if you don’t find her a job she’ll make one.

So find her a job you won’t hate!

CandyLeBonBon · 02/08/2022 20:40

My mum does this and I hate it. I find it really invasive.

Original poster
Hoorhhuudde · 02/08/2022 20:42

godmum56 · 02/08/2022 20:37

Time for a conversation i think.....are there jobs she could do that would, if not actually helpful, at least keep her busy?

I mean keeping two kids out of the kitchen whilst I'm cooking would have been helpful and was kind of the task she had been given, not explicitly like a command, just through the fact that DH and I were occupied.

She probably means we'll, but it actually feels like a snarky comment. She's already made lots of comments about how the kids have too many toys these days(they don't compared to their peers, but mil goes on about having one rag doll so in comparison to her I imagine they do)

I have this conversation every time they come. We have a small house. It's big enough for our family. With in-laws there's a strain. I've said numerous times that the best way to help if to stay in the family room and let me or DH get on with it. It is really apparent it's not helpful as we have to walk round them all the time and ask them to move whilst they are dithering.

OP posts:
justfiveminutes · 02/08/2022 20:42

And now all four of my dc have their own homes I can tell you that we really just want to be a helpful guest, the sort who is welcome and not grumbled about for sitting on their arse being waited on.

It is also hard to ignore something really obvious that needs cleaning. I have watched the bread getting mouldier in ds's bread bin on every visit for weeks. After reading threads like this I know I'm not supposed to say anything. Yesterday I asked if I should pop it in the bin and he told me to leave it so I did. Obviously not the same as tidying toys, just offering another perspective.

UWhatNow · 02/08/2022 20:43

My dad used to plump the cushions, fold blankets and tidy stuff neatly away if there were a few spare minutes. I used to think it was lovely. But I think he’s lovely - he is a lovely dad and grandad and it could only ever have been construed as being helpful.

But of course MILs are always in the wrong no matter what they do. 🙄

Riverlee · 02/08/2022 20:44

I find it intrusive, plus a passive aggressive way of showing disapproval.

I had my dm stay after an op. She decided to clean and tidy a random kitchen cupboard - it was ordered to how I like it. She rearranged everything and I had to re-rearrange everything afterwards.

Fair enough to help tidy away, if you’re tidying the toys etc, but not not to unilaterally decide to do it.

Original poster
Hoorhhuudde · 02/08/2022 20:44

Haggisfish3 · 02/08/2022 20:39

I love random tidiers. Can you really not find her a job to do?!

I don't see why I should have to provide fake jobs for grown adults who should be able to read the situation and listen to what is being said.
It's enough faff getting the five year old to load the bloody dishwasher.

I also wouldn't mind if it was actually tidying. But she literally just moved stuff around and hid daily needed things.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 02/08/2022 20:45

I always tidy up when I go to my DDs houses 😂😂😂
I also often cook them dinner, do the laundry, a spot of gardening, pick up their food shop, look after their children.
When they come over to mine, they revert to teenage behaviour - empty the fridge, change the TV channel, argue and take the piss out of me and DH. It’s called ‘family life’.

Kanaloa · 02/08/2022 20:47

I don’t think it’s weird to tidy up a few toys when visiting your grown up children at their home. Although I do find (on here) mils are treated like another breed and it’s semi-forgotten that they’re visiting their own child’s home rather than a guest at a stranger/acquaintance.

My MIL can’t not be helping. I think it’s because she was a SAHM & housewife all her life. If there is food cooking and a mess I think it’s a lifelong habit that she feels she should be sorting it. Realistically if the worst thing your mother/mil does is tidy up then you’re winning.

Original poster
Hoorhhuudde · 02/08/2022 20:48

Soontobe60 · 02/08/2022 20:45

I always tidy up when I go to my DDs houses 😂😂😂
I also often cook them dinner, do the laundry, a spot of gardening, pick up their food shop, look after their children.
When they come over to mine, they revert to teenage behaviour - empty the fridge, change the TV channel, argue and take the piss out of me and DH. It’s called ‘family life’.

Presumably they haven't asked you to stop?
I think this is quite a different situation. This in no way helped but added an extra, putting things back to their right places, job for me.
So I had to make dinner.
Serve dinner.
Retrieve the tidied items.
Actually tidy.

Not helpful.

OP posts:
AmJustDone · 02/08/2022 20:48

My mother stopped when she found my vibrators and plastic nurse's uniform

Kanaloa · 02/08/2022 20:49

Although from all the stuff like ‘it’s a strain in our small house’ and ‘we’ve told them it’s our rule to stay out of the kitchen’ it sounds like you just don’t cope well with them as guests/don’t really like them visiting. Do they need to come to you? Maybe in future you could meet up outside.

Original poster
Hoorhhuudde · 02/08/2022 20:49

AmJustDone · 02/08/2022 20:48

My mother stopped when she found my vibrators and plastic nurse's uniform

😂😂 sadly mil has faced condoms in the past and was unphased.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/08/2022 20:50

I don't see why I should have to provide fake jobs for grown adults who should be able to read the situation and listen to what is being said.

Perhaps it would be nice if people did what you thought they should. But you are clearly going to need to be explicit. That way, you’ll all get on better. It’s really hard to be told not to do something- it’s much easier to be asked to do something helpful.

luxxlisbon · 02/08/2022 20:51

My mum will tidy when she’s here, she’s just trying to be helpful and never trying to make a cloaked comment on the state of the place.

I agree MILs just can’t win. You told her she isn’t allowed to help with food, but if she just sat down with her feet up waiting to get served it would probably be an issue. If she played with the kids but left you to sort the dinner and all the housework she would be accused of stealing all the fun stuff and not wanting to help. You see it all the time on here about MILs who don’t help and only want to play with the kids/cuddle the baby.

The thing about MILs staying is that often if your own mother did the same things it wouldn’t bother you as much.
How long is she staying? What she is doing is hardly ott invasive, just let her help and she will be gone soon!

PleaseMind · 02/08/2022 20:51

My MIL did this last time they visited. First a pointed comment about how many toys DC had then when I had gone to the kitchen to sort out dinner and came back she said oh I've tidied up a bit for you. I didn't say thanks. Then as soon as DC woke up from their nap all the toys were put back where they belonged :)

PleaseMind · 02/08/2022 20:52

I find it intrusive, plus a passive aggressive way of showing disapproval. I totally agree.

Original poster
Hoorhhuudde · 02/08/2022 20:53

Kanaloa · 02/08/2022 20:49

Although from all the stuff like ‘it’s a strain in our small house’ and ‘we’ve told them it’s our rule to stay out of the kitchen’ it sounds like you just don’t cope well with them as guests/don’t really like them visiting. Do they need to come to you? Maybe in future you could meet up outside.

That's just the reality of our kitchen. It is very long and narrow. DH and I both cook separately in it.
The reality of a small house and kitchen means practically you can't have everyone wiping dishes like the Brady bunch. I also think the adage two many cooks I. The kitchen rings true. It doesn't get it done any quicker.
And it's nice for in-laws to spend time with the kids and not faffing with plates etc.

OP posts:
AmJustDone · 02/08/2022 20:54

Condoms didn't phase her in the slightest. Despite being hugely Catholic. Oddly neither did the porn I left out for her to see. The evidence I enjoyed sex did. This is the woman (who I love dearly) who was instrumental in a wall being knocked down in my house without my permission