Is it ever ok to start tidying someone else's house without being asked. I think it's bloody ride

[Hoorhhuudde]

It's a MIL one.
We have two under fives and our house is in the process of being sorted out for our expected third baby. It's clean. I did the hoovering, mopped the floors etc before the in-laws came to visit. It's tidy in the way a toddler filled house can be. It's not minimalist retiree tidy.

MIL has never coped well with being a guest. Hovers round me asking to help. I tell her we have a small kitchen, I know where everything is and I don't need help. DH reinforces that we don't do too many cooks in the kitchen because it hinders, doesn't help and we have this rule even when it's just me and him.

Anyway, hovering commenced whilst I was trying to dish up family meal, with all the various meal preferences and extra faff that guests tend to bring. Politely sent MIL out of kitchen. DH putting out cutlery etc in living room.

Come in and she's 'tidying' the kids toys. I have SEN children so stations of things we use daily like mood boards etc. Swept into random places. It wasn't the type of thing where there was an obvious toy box and she was just putting them back. It was like she had deemed it not tidy enough and was implementing her own random system. And it was really random. It actually looked worse than when she started.
I've just spent ten minutes searching out things from random places. Am I being unreasonable here? Is this normal guest behaviour?
For context I wouldn't tidy up in someone's house unprompted but I'd get my kids and I to help when tidying was happening or offer if an appropriate time.

Yabu- yes it's normal to do impromptu tidying
Yanbu- that's a bit weird

Then send her to the bathroom, always something needs cleaning in the bathroom! Or give her to me to do my limescale ridden tiles

I'm very explicit that being with the children is something that is helpful to us. Sometimes said directly, sometimes implied. We're not going to judge for that it's really obvious.

It sounds a bit like she wants to be helpful and maybe feels like she needs to be useful to earn her place as your guest. I'd include her by giving her some jobs let her dry while you wash dishes or ask her to entertain your kids whatever you feel comfortable with. If she does that and then settles you know she just needed something to do to help her relax. In fairness I wouldn't go to someone's house and not offer to help with dishes etc out of manners, equally I'd expect my guests to at least offer to help me clean up after hosting them even if I decline the help. So maybe she's just trying to be respectful and helpful in her own way. God knows it must be busy with two little ones maybe she's just recognised how much you do every day and wants to make life a bit easier.

I think YAB a bit U. She obviously thought she was helping - I might do the same when visiting my sister and her nephew.

Tell her not to interfere with the kids projects or better yet, get her son to.

We have a similarly shaped kitchen. More than one person in there and its just a pain.

You sound a bit controlling. She's your husband's mum? And it sounds like all she's allowed to do when visiting is sit on the sofa waiting. You closet yourself in the kitchen and she's not allowed in and shes probably a bit bored?! Have you not go a pile of ironing or something she could work through, some people don't like to sit idle. You're acting as though she's being really rude, she's not a random guest she's your husbands mum, it's a bit different.

I’m not sure as it seems she was just tidying toys. As opposed to tidying your house as you wrote in the op, they are very different things.

and I’m unsure why you were dishing up portions, she was just trying ro help so you got it right, personally I let guests help themselves.I’d never deem to dish up

Jesus Christ. It doesn't matter whether we think you're BU or not (FWIW, I don't think YABU).

It's your house and your kitchen. She needs to respect your space otherwise I'd switch to meeting at theirs only / meeting somewhere neutral.

If she isn't actually helping you, what's the point?

Alternatively I'd find something fun for her to do. Maybe clean the bathroom?!

She might be "coming from a good place" but that doesn't make it any less annoying when you've asked her to stop.

We have a dishwasher. No need to provide busy jobs.

I always dish up can't imagine making guests help themselves

Do you think maybe If you’d been honest op and wrote “is it ever ok to tidy your grandkids toys uo when visiting , I think it’s bloody rude” people might not have agreed with you, so you went for full on hyperbole?

justcurious,

A lot of older people don't actually really like babysitting kids. Yes, some do, but some feel like they've done their time raising their own. Maybe your MIL doesn't really want to be left watching the children as she finds it a bit draining?

We don't iron things.
She's allowed to: play with the kids, chat, drink tea, read, watch telly.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect guests to entertain themselves whilst I'm dishing up.
And yes, I have to dish up because we don't have the room or the props for a help yourself scenario. She dishes up when we go to hers. Probably for the same reason. My portions are plentiful, we allow people to leave food and ask for seconds.

It depends on the relationship & circumstances.

I have one sister and one friend who would happily clear up my house, just as I would theirs. And none of us would mind. My DSis cleaned my house and looked after my ds for two days while I was sick this spring.

My ex-MIL - totally different matter. I would have dragged myself from the grave rather than have that woman tidy my house.

You clearly aren't close to your MIL. You've got a lot on and she feels like a loose end in your house and is trying to compensate for that.

It would have been much better to let DH take the DCS to visit her, and leave you in peace for a day or two. The last thing you need right now is visitors.

Not helping as a guest: rude
Excessive passive cleaning as a guest: also rude

This is not hard to get right in terms of etiquette.

It sounds like she is trying to be helpful so maybe giving her the explicit instruction could help, you say she should help by looking after the kids while you and DH are busy so try telling her that, 'Thanks MIL but I'm cooking in here, if you'd watch the kids in x room and do y with them that'd be helpful' or if she's more of a do-er ask her to hoover, or fold washing, or let her cook etc. My MIL is a do-er and wants to get involved if we're cooking/ tidying but she just wants to help, she's the same when we're on holiday together and is always tidying or moving stuff about. If you ask her explicitly not to tidy the toys but give her another job (like hoovering or folding) and she carries on then I'd say she's overstepping but try first!

You’re not ‘very explicit’ if it’s ‘sometimes implied’. And tbh, if she’s not allowed to touch the kids toys either, then it seems like there are rules that seem obvious to you but not to her.

Don’t host if it’s too stressful.

Okay, well since you are unwilling to provide ‘busy jobs’ and want them to behave more like guests, maybe your husband could treat them more like guests? As in, could sit and chat to them/entertain them rather than putting cutlery out for what seems to have been a very long time if she tried to see you in the kitchen and then managed to do so much tidying that you spent 10 minutes finding things.

You can’t have it both ways. Either they are guests who must not move anything or try to help and must obey your rules - in which case they need to be hosted. Or they are close family, who you can leave watching your kids for while you sort things out - in which case they might occasionally tidy away some toys.

My MIL did this while we were on holiday! She completely rearranged it all! 🤯 I got really upset by it.
Weirdly before we left I had a feeling she would do something like that.. so I removed the sex related things and took them in my suitcase... 🙄

Whenever I or my friends host a play date for our friendship group, all the mums that are guests have a tidy round before we leave to help the host and I think it's a really nice thing to do.
I'm sure she meant well but if it bothered you and she was putting everything in the wrong place, just explain to her that everything has a specific spot so that the kids have easy access to it. Get her to throw a load of laundry on or wash some dishes if she's desperate to help.

It wasn't just toys. It was our day to day stuff that is neatly left out for access. It was not tidied so much as randomly rearranged into odd places.

I'm also quite happy for her to sit on her iPad and chill. Most grandparents like their grandchildren though. She does. It's not a hardship for her.

Um you know it’s the grand kids toys right? Or did you not read it?

we allow people to leave food and ask for seconds.

Also from the entire thread but this particularly you sound a bit controlling. I mean what do you mean you ‘allow people to leave food?’ They’re adults in your home, you can’t allow or not allow them to leave food.

Oh right, you missed that out from your op. Big thing to forget. How come you focused on tidying Toys?