Is it ever ok to start tidying someone else's house without being asked. I think it's bloody ride

[Hoorhhuudde]

It's a MIL one.
We have two under fives and our house is in the process of being sorted out for our expected third baby. It's clean. I did the hoovering, mopped the floors etc before the in-laws came to visit. It's tidy in the way a toddler filled house can be. It's not minimalist retiree tidy.

MIL has never coped well with being a guest. Hovers round me asking to help. I tell her we have a small kitchen, I know where everything is and I don't need help. DH reinforces that we don't do too many cooks in the kitchen because it hinders, doesn't help and we have this rule even when it's just me and him.

Anyway, hovering commenced whilst I was trying to dish up family meal, with all the various meal preferences and extra faff that guests tend to bring. Politely sent MIL out of kitchen. DH putting out cutlery etc in living room.

Come in and she's 'tidying' the kids toys. I have SEN children so stations of things we use daily like mood boards etc. Swept into random places. It wasn't the type of thing where there was an obvious toy box and she was just putting them back. It was like she had deemed it not tidy enough and was implementing her own random system. And it was really random. It actually looked worse than when she started.
I've just spent ten minutes searching out things from random places. Am I being unreasonable here? Is this normal guest behaviour?
For context I wouldn't tidy up in someone's house unprompted but I'd get my kids and I to help when tidying was happening or offer if an appropriate time.

Yabu- yes it's normal to do impromptu tidying
Yanbu- that's a bit weird

She's allowed to: play with the kids, chat, drink tea, read, watch telly.

This is no good for someone who you describe as needing to feel useful in a practical sense. She could have set the table not your DH, for instance.

Mine would move things like furniture and do unnecessary jobs I didn't ask for - and no actually helpful tidying or cleaning.

Get DH to have a chat with her, it's rude even if unintentional.

She's allowed to: play with the kids, chat, drink tea, read, watch telly…we allow people to leave food and ask for seconds.

are you ok?

I tidied it after she'd left.
She wasn't tidying long. Hence it being such a crap job.
Why bother.

My mum used to do this a lot, she’d get my washing in off the line before it was fully dry and then drape it over every chair/ door/ radiator (cold) she could find, ‘to air’. She would also dry the dishes and leave them all over the worktops because she didn’t know where they went….. so I would turn my back for a nano second and my house would go from orderly- washing drying on the line and dishes draining on the rack - to fucking chaos.
one time she encouraged my mil to join her and between the 2 of them it looked my house had exploded, I was enraged ! Feel your pain .

I am a tidier. I usually ask people to stop if they tidy at mine because I also like things to go in certain places. After DS2 was born I accepted a lot of help (previously I really couldn't take anyone else tidying or cleaning - diagnosed PN OCD... but with two kids I tried to accept kind offers (sometimes had to redo after) my own mum knows what I can accept help with ie cooking, washing up, hoovering, emptying dishwasher and putting toys back where they came from but will never interfere with washing or cleaning the sides as she knows it triggers me. This came from a very honest conversation.
I had the same conversation with my mil who also tried to be helpful but unfortunately does everything wrong (I'm aware I'm being a bit unfair) and she didn't really listen so I tend to ask her to stop when she does things as politely as possible and she tends to 'help' less.
I get how you feel op but from a similar position it really does seem she is trying to help. I would give a very honest conversation a go and see if it helps! Might be tough and she might not listen but if you have tried to be open and honest and appreciative of her attempts to help then hopefully she will stop (or you will be justified in your annoyance)

Im.just cross because I literally have this same.flavour of conversation every time and get ignored.

I struggle with my in-laws in general. But this is something they do. It’s actually my father in law, he can’t sit still. They have helped us renovate our house so I feel like they’re very familiar when they’re here.
father in law has gone through our sofa’s before and tidied them, cushions off and everything. My house isn’t dirty we have a cleaner coming once a week but I was still mortified he did it.
Recently we were on holiday and they came to look for something they left at our house and whilst here re-organised our playroom and living room which didn’t need it and they knew the cleaner was coming later (they made an effort to look for it before cleaner came).
It is stressful, it feels like an invasion of my space and privacy. It also feels like they think I should be doing more to keep the place tidy and I don’t need that sort of pressure! But if me or DH say something they will get funny with us. Noticed more and more they are getting grumpier and are set in their ways and don’t really listen when you tell them something unless you make it a ‘big deal’ and it causes a load of tension.
I’m just trying to limit their opportunities to actually reorganize or tidy my house and then when FIL does it I just try and ignore it now!

Because the kids stuff is the stuff Sen will find difficult to cope with.
My stuff, annoying, baffling, but won't cause a meltdown.

I had the same with my MIL. I adore her, love her dearly and we are good friends but god, she finda it impossible to stay out of the kitchen and impossible not to want to help. I know her ideal would be the two of us in the kitchen making dinner together but when I had 3 small children, a full time job, she was staying with me for 3 weeks and I was really really good at making dinner fast (and relishing the 30 minutes it gave me alone after work/collecting kids etc) it really wasn't helpful for her to constantly ask to help. playing with the kids or listening to them read or just sitting with them would have been very helpful. She got it eventually. My bil often staying at the same time was very good at saying it to her - pallisers would prefer to cook alone mum, lets sit in the living room.

Yes I know I could have asked her to peel a potato or chop an onion but I really really didn't want to. I wanted time on my own not having to say "yes that pot is fine" "yes that is finely chopped enough" "the cutting boards are over there". I don't really see why my need for this was superceded by her need to help out.

Have you tried asking? Saying Why do you keep tidying stuff when I've asked you not to? Or get her some sewing to keep her hands busy.

So before you spent ages putting things back and trying to find things, now actually it’s just that she did such a crap job of tidying that she needn’t have bothered?

It all just feels very over the top, you have had specific conversations about your “house rules” and that no one is allowed in the kitchen, they can’t help with food prep, or cleaning up after, yet you sort of make yourself seem hard done by when you list all the serving and food you’ve had to prepare. It does sound like you just don’t like her and hide away in the kitchen to avoid her and that probably creates a really awkward atmosphere in the house, hence her need to potter around and tidy while you are so busy.

But you’re not willing to change what you do to manage it. Either accept it’s going to happen so give her a better task to help, or don’t invite them to stay if you genuinely can’t cope. Or get your DH to be more on point with them. Or you stay with them and he cooks instead.

Don’t go getting all wound up about something you clearly cannot change. You can never change other people. You can only change your reactions to them…

I'm guilty of doing this when I go to my parents!

I love it when guests muck in and find it rude when they expect to be waited on throughout their stay.

I'm not a neat freak. But I do find it helpful to have something practical to do when visiting my DD. It's surprisingly difficult to occupy myself in someone else's home. Of course I play with my DGD, but not all the time, and nor does she need grandma hanging over her all the time.

My MIL and FIL used to come to us for two or three days at a time, as they moved a distance away, and they needed things to do, too. My FIL loved ironing so I used to save up loads of it for him!

Don’t invent a job-say explicitly it would be really helpful if you kept dc out of the kitchen while
i make dinner. Thank you!

THen you need to be clearer. Tell her it makes you stressed when she's doing random things and that you are more than happy if she just sits with or plays with children. Tell her that you absolutely will ask for help if you need it but her being with the children is the biggest help she can give you.

My lovely FIL was a doer, drove me mad because he just couldn't do nothing. We used to 'save up' little jobs for him so he could feel useful, like fixing the gate latch or changing a tap washer. MIL always asked what she could do so I 'let' her do the ironing (she loved it I hated it).

Or just tell them to stop coming.

My mil used to be the same. I hated it. She wouldn't tidy as such but would rearrange my kitchen in a way she thought was better. As soon as she left I'd put the kettle, toaster etc back in their correct place.

So before you spent ages putting things back and trying to find things, now actually it’s just that she did such a crap job of tidying that she needn’t have bothered?

It took longer because I didn't know where it had been hidden.

I'm not hiding away in the kitchen. I'm cooking. She could possibly load the dishwasher after but she doesn't offer after she hovers during and there's literally not room.
Plus it's sooo not quicker.

My mum does this and it really irritates me. She seems unable to visit without picking up bits e ok the floor, commenting on the skirting boards or noticing random cobwebs. I am fairly tidy but my standards are not up there with Mrs Bunch of anything. I'm happy with the way things are, but it sends the constant message to me that I'm a slovenly heathen. Drives me mad..

My lovely FIL was a doer, drove me mad because he just couldn't do nothing. We used to 'save up' little jobs for him so he could feel useful, like fixing the gate latch or changing a tap washer. MIL always asked what she could do so I 'let' her do the ironing (she loved it I hated it).

This is my experience of family, both growing up with grandparents and now, as a parent myself. I give my dad small jobs - ‘Get your dad to do it, he’d love to help’ Mum would say, and she was right. Practical expressions of love are some people’s thing. I’m perfectly capable of sewing on buttons or making a kid’s costume but my MIL absolutely loves to be helpful that way. She’s crap at playing with kids- loves her grandchildren but no good at entertaining them! You have to lean into whatever works with extended family, I find.

My exMIL can always find something to pick up off my lounge carpet, even if I've just vacuumed, I'm convinced she brings a piece of fluff in her pocket just in case she can't find any.

If someone from your own family (if you have them near) started tidying would it bother you?

when my mother is at my house on her own I can guarantee a dust of the living room surfaces and a clean front door (that I never do) think she likes chatting to the neighbours. She knows them better than I do

did you speak and explain to her what she's allowed to do? What did she say?

My MIL let herself into our house when we were on holiday once and tidied the house, I was fuming! She also used to wash up when she was over ours looking after our child, I would get back from work and have to re wash everything as it was still covered in food, used to drive me insane! Can you start going to their house instead of having them at yours? Otherwise you are going to need OH to tell his mum to stop as it is offensive.