Is it ever ok to start tidying someone else's house without being asked. I think it's bloody ride

[Hoorhhuudde]

It's a MIL one.
We have two under fives and our house is in the process of being sorted out for our expected third baby. It's clean. I did the hoovering, mopped the floors etc before the in-laws came to visit. It's tidy in the way a toddler filled house can be. It's not minimalist retiree tidy.

MIL has never coped well with being a guest. Hovers round me asking to help. I tell her we have a small kitchen, I know where everything is and I don't need help. DH reinforces that we don't do too many cooks in the kitchen because it hinders, doesn't help and we have this rule even when it's just me and him.

Anyway, hovering commenced whilst I was trying to dish up family meal, with all the various meal preferences and extra faff that guests tend to bring. Politely sent MIL out of kitchen. DH putting out cutlery etc in living room.

Come in and she's 'tidying' the kids toys. I have SEN children so stations of things we use daily like mood boards etc. Swept into random places. It wasn't the type of thing where there was an obvious toy box and she was just putting them back. It was like she had deemed it not tidy enough and was implementing her own random system. And it was really random. It actually looked worse than when she started.
I've just spent ten minutes searching out things from random places. Am I being unreasonable here? Is this normal guest behaviour?
For context I wouldn't tidy up in someone's house unprompted but I'd get my kids and I to help when tidying was happening or offer if an appropriate time.

Yabu- yes it's normal to do impromptu tidying
Yanbu- that's a bit weird

But the MN mantra is that it's OK for his MIL to do that but not for her MIL to do that, the usual hypocrisy!

She's trying to help even though it can be annoying it sounds like her heart is in the right place. Remember the moments you have ever felt when helpless.

@GG1986 I would never get over that. Invasion of privacy

I'm cooking. She could possibly load the dishwasher after but she doesn't offer after she hovers during and there's literally not room.
Use your words fgs.

@JudgeJ probably because most people are closer to their mum than their mil. You do see people complaining about their mums too, all the time, it depends on the individual relationship. Not everyone likes their mum or mil to begin with.

YANBU I'm a helper but being a reasonable adult I know what's helpful and what's not.

Going through the stack of children's clothes waiting to be put away in my friend's house = not helping

Clearing away the latest trail of destruction her toddler made, making her a cuppa then entertaining said toddler whilst she breastfeeds when I arrive = helpful

As a socially awkward person even I understand where the boundaries are. Some people just like to assert their dominance in the guise of "help" your MIL sounds like one of them.

My mother would drive me bonkers if she did it.
My mother luckily was traumatised by condoms so desisted.

We quickly got the spare key off her! 2 occassions she let herself into our house when she knew we were in and could answer the door! I would also be fuming if my own mum did this.

I'd bloody love my MIL to come and clean and tidy my house. She'd probably prefer to do the garden though.

Mind you, I wouldn't mind that either, come to think of it.

I so miss mine. She would drop round and do the ironing, and empty the dishwasher, hang the laundry out and she would sometimes make me tea or coffee, and look after my little one after school sometimes. She had all the time in the world and I didn't. Such a lovely gift 🎁

My mum always tidies and cleans up the kitchen etc when she comes over for a bit. It's great but she does always apologise and I know I can tell her no if I wanted.
Think there is a difference between mum and mil unfortunately ( as a mum is 2 boys). Try and take a deep breath and look on it as a caring gesture even if you don't really believe that to be true.

My mum and MIL both do this and it drives me bonkers with both, so for all the people saying “bet you wouldn’t mind if it was your own mum” that isn’t necessarily the case.

We were on a big family holiday with both of them a few years ago. First night I was cooking for everyone, DM appeared in kitchen and asked if she could help, I said no, thanks, kind of you to offer but I’ve got a system here, go and sit down. Turned round a few minutes later and she was putting vegetables I hadn’t chopped yet back in the fridge. I went “argh! Mum! I hadn’t finished with those yet!” and shooed her out. A little while later, MIL appeared, asked if she could help. I said nope, thanks, all under control. Carried on cooking, then realised the clattering sound was MIL busily washing up and putting away stuff I hadn’t finished using yet…

They both genuinely mean well and do genuinely feel like they “can’t just sit around” (although they don’t feel the need to start unasked-for tidying and cleaning at their friends’ houses ). And I love them both so try not to get all snarly about it. But it drives me BONKERS and I wish they would listen to me and stop. I have managed to draw some lines on stuff like putting things away in my underwear drawer, though, so maybe that’s progress?

My mum did this recently when she kindly fed my cat for the weekend. She also 'kindly' recycled all the glass jars I'd been saving up for ages that were the perfect size for this and that. I realised today, on looking for them, that she must have also 'kindly' recycled the 4 or 5 empty boxes my meds came in from my medicine cupboard. Same meds, different brands, so I was saving one box from each so I could log which one's I'd been put on in case of differences in side effects etc. Why was she even looking through my meds cupboard? I think this is pretty nosy actually.

This.
If she is not the type of person to sit on the sofa doing nothing, then find her a job to do.
Bathroom, ironing, dusting the living room, mending/sewing, - use your imagination.
Learn to make the situation work for both of you, rather than just brewing tension.

With any other guest in your house, you'd do whatever makes them comfortable. So if you know that a parent or PIL is happiest when occupied with a job, why is it suddenly a pain in the neck to find them one? It's not a 'fake' job anyway.

I enjoyed seeing my in-laws involved in our family chores. And they enjoyed being involved. My mum of course never lifted a finger. She was either sitting in front of the TV or in my garden, smoking.

Neither my DM or MIL would have done this when my DC were little. It’s rude.
They’d always ask if wanted help so washing up or feeding DC when I was tidying but if I said no they’d leave it.
They’d mostly just play with DC as that’s why they were visiting.

My mum does this, I am positively grateful 😀
But obviously if you are not you /your DH should tell her

@Hoorhhuudde I completely get why this be so irritating for you, but if I had to take a wild guess what was going on with her- I’d guess she was quite a traditional mum when your husband was growing up and that cleaning, tidying and helping out was what women did for each other as a matter of course while at each other’s houses.

I grew up around what you might term traditional women, a lot of full time house wives and when a relative or a neighbour arrives with husband the women would buzz about together in the kitchen or wherever catching up, doing food/drink prep, tidying if needed - just anything housey. The men would probably catch up in the other room, and keep an eye on the children or play with them a bit or whatever. This was seen as one of the benefits of having a close friend or family member over, your domain was their domain and they usually knew what they doing, because that’s effectively their full time job and they are good at it!

Now I’m making a massive assumption that this applies to your MiL, but it does sound like she doesn’t know what to do with herself and is just anxiously going into this mode as a way of connecting with you.

I mean it’s sort of pretty retro and sexist, but from a socialising perspective it makes a lot of sense in a way. In days gone by, guests playing with and entertaining children certainly happened, but it wasn’t assumed to be a central role of guests really for any longer than a few minutes at a time, adults socialised with adults, and children just sort of slotted in with that. So socially, it made more sense for the women to be in kitchen together and men to be in the living room. That way husband and wives who see each other all time weren’t trying to make polite conversation in the living room with each other, or trying to get a sensible conversation out of 6 year olds for half an hour or more while the hosts were absent making the food or whatever.

What I’m getting at is there’s a good chance she’s not being at all rude as far as she’s concerned, and even your little protest that no help is needed would be a classic thing to do in the context where it would be absolutely expected.

Could you try it that way and maybe take control of the food prep, or drink prep and get her to be sous chef rather than your husband? It might help things flow better, even if it’s still slightly annoying. It can be a really nice way to catch up informally with someone too. I do this with my MiL and my DM, and even though they are from different cultures both of them sort of expect it. It’s one of the ways they get to share their expertise as well, which they maybe don’t get to do so much of when children are grown and very few people are SAHP.

The point is that finding a job will lead to more work or faff for me.
Ironing, I'd have to get it all out and then it'd take up all the space for the kids and fil(who manages to entertain himself)

Sewing, find stuff that needs sewing. Space.

Bedroom. Feels invasive and I'd have to make sure it was mil friendly.

Dusting. Doesn't need dusting. Had cleaned.

It's a fake job in that I'd be creating it for her to be busy. If there was something she could.do.to be helpful I'd give it, but the logistics of our house mean that there's not endless space for setting up jobs.

My SIL used to do this and it made me feel really shit. She cleaned and tidied my cutlery drawer once, wiped inside my microwave, cleaned under DS bed. I just felt really inadequate, even though I’m sure she was trying to help.

The let her make dinner instead!

@Begoniasforever Um you know I was replying to another poster, right? 😂

"I agree MILs just can’t win."

Of course they can. Just open their ears to what their dc are asking of them as guests. It's not difficult.

My Mum is someone who can't sit still and was a random tidier and forever asking for a job to do "so I can help you darling". Quite sweet but ultimately more work than just occupying herself and the gc.

There's probably a lot of truth to that, although I do think the pointed comments are meant as a comment on the way we run things too.

It's sadly not a sous chef situation. It's a tiny kitchen and DH doesn't go in it whilst I am cooking. She doesn't know where anything is so a quick job like setting the table becomes an absolute faff.
Id hope she'd just be proud DH pulls his weight and helps out by setting the table. She does it all at theirs and fil just sits there.
Will get DH to ask her to assist maybe, but I honestly don't think it will fill whatever need she has to do this.
But it does feel rude. Especially when historically I've cleaned the bathroom etc before they visit and then she asks to clean it on day one. Feels like a comment.

I'd swap her for my MIL who would sit and expect to be waited on (ham sandwiches on the right kind of bread and no crusts type of thing), and complain vocally if she wasn't, even when she turned up the day I came home from hospital with a newborn and a nether end full of stitches. I trained her eventually, but it took years.