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AIBU?

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Original poster

Mum keeps leaving the door unlocked. Advice on how to handle it?

130 replies

Laiste · 02/08/2022 17:48

(no pun intended)
It's a WWYD? I'm posting for traffic. sorry.

Short version ... we live together and she keeps going out and leaving the door/s unlocked.

The long version with detail and a bit of insight is this ... We all live together and have done for 5 years. She has her own living room with a conservatory attached and a little courtyard garden directly outside it which she potters in daily. DM is 84 and very doddery but likes to walk out round the village a bit (with her sticks) most days. She still seems as sharp as a tack. Uses internet. Checks bank statements ect. Forgets nothing else important.

When we moved into this house the front and back doors were those UPVC ones with a handle. Always open unless you actively lock it. Conservatory the same.

DM resisted locking the front door - preferring people she'd called over to be able to just walk in so she didn't have to get up and let them in. I hated this - one day i came downstairs in my bra and pants and the bloody computer repair bloke was marching into the house. ''Oh your mother said just walk in! ho ho'' Hmm
I asked her loads of times to keep the key turned but she wouldn't. DM cannot hear anyone coming into the house from her living room, so it was a big security issue if the rest of us were out. (5 adults one child) DD4 was only 3 when we moved in. Didn't like door left open/unlocked for this reason also, plus pets.

So after 18 months of tussling with her about this we changed the door (at our own expense) to one with a yale lock. (£££ solid door) It has an easy handle on the inside, but you need a key to come into the house. When it's shut it's SHUT. (We also changed the back door.)

DM rallied hard against the new front door. First of all she just kept leaving the bloody thing ajar. To let people walk in (again!) and also when she went out (even if we were all out!) to avoid bothering taking a key. We worked through it all patiently. Extra pull handle on inside. Special graphite powder to make sure the key slips easily. DH made her a wooden tool thing so she could manage the key from outside (which hasn't been touched since). We are now at the stage where 90% of the time she uses the front door properly. Happy end? NO.

3 times in the last few months she's gone out and left the conservatory unlocked! Expensive secure front door - but anyone could walk in through the bloomin' conservatory!

The first time; i mentioned it and she said oooh did i? I've never done that before ect. Second time we said if she leaves it unlocked again we'll have to keep the key and lock it/unlock it ourselves when we're at home, but she was furious with that idea! Shouted and hollered and said we ''couldn't do that'' because she wouldn't be in control of when she went out into the courtyard and insisted it wouldn't happen again.

Well she's done it again today :(

DH will be furious. I haven't told him yet. I don't know how to handle it.

The big long story is because a big part of me feels this is bloody minded/can't be arsedness rather than a loosing marbles situation. But the upshot is the same either way - the house isn't secure when she does this.

WWYD?

OP posts:
AspireMe · 02/08/2022 17:55

Confiscate the key.

If you don't want to do that, I'd be tempted to hide some of her things and when questioned, suggest that someone may have entered the house through the open door and committed burglary.

Allywill · 02/08/2022 17:59

you can get a security handle for the conservatory door. much cheaper than a new door. i think they are called a split spindle handle. we got one on our conservatory door after my daughter left it unlocked and we were burgled. they can be opened as normal from the inside but can only be opened with a key from outside even if not locked (in a similar way to a yale lock)

Topgub · 02/08/2022 18:00

You bullied her into a position she didn't want to be in.

She's rebelling.

Are you living in her house or is she living in yours?

Allywill · 02/08/2022 18:02

can you sell it to her as an insurance thing? ours paid out the first time but said they wouldn’t pay out if it was left open again.

SarahSissions · 02/08/2022 18:03

I take it it is your house? I never lock my place unless I am away for a couple of days, but it is personal choice- if it’s your house and you want it locked she needs to respect that. If it’s her house then you need to get used to it!

Yales and door closers? But if she actually props the door open only a chat will solve that.

Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 18:03

We bought the place and have spent a fortune making it big enough for us all. She wouldn't be able to live alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 18:04

AspireMe · 02/08/2022 17:55

Confiscate the key.

If you don't want to do that, I'd be tempted to hide some of her things and when questioned, suggest that someone may have entered the house through the open door and committed burglary.

Tempting. I've thought of it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 18:04

Allywill · 02/08/2022 17:59

you can get a security handle for the conservatory door. much cheaper than a new door. i think they are called a split spindle handle. we got one on our conservatory door after my daughter left it unlocked and we were burgled. they can be opened as normal from the inside but can only be opened with a key from outside even if not locked (in a similar way to a yale lock)

That's really helpful thank you! I din't know you could change the lock so easily!

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 02/08/2022 18:04

Could you put a sensor of some kind on it so it chimes...
Oo what about a 'ring' security camera out there. So you can tell her to go back and lock it !!

Heroicallyl0st · 02/08/2022 18:04

How safe is the area you live in? If it’s a quiet area with other neighbours home and in the daytime etc it’s not idea but do you need to worry? Could you get a visible security thing to put off thieves eg a camera doorbell or motion activated etc?

Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 18:06

Topgub · 02/08/2022 18:00

You bullied her into a position she didn't want to be in.

She's rebelling.

Are you living in her house or is she living in yours?

I spent 18 months asking her to lock the door. I assume you'd be fine with your front door unlocked, and no one at home?

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 02/08/2022 18:06

I'd swap the lock for a Yale one. And put a door closer on it. And remove anything that could conceivably used as a door stop.

And leave some retirement home brochures around, as she's obviously loosing it...

SaySomethingMan · 02/08/2022 18:07

AspireMe · 02/08/2022 17:55

Confiscate the key.

If you don't want to do that, I'd be tempted to hide some of her things and when questioned, suggest that someone may have entered the house through the open door and committed burglary.

Dont do this.

Get that lock thing pp suggested for the conservatory

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/08/2022 18:07

Hardly bullying. The OP and her DH seem to have done everything short of going down on their knees and begging her not to leave the house open to any passing stranger.
If anything got nicked, the first question would be ‘ was the house locked/ secure?’

the handle is a great idea. It doesn’t really matter if she is doing this to drive you mad or because she’s getting there herself. It’s not safe.

Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 18:07

Allywill · 02/08/2022 18:02

can you sell it to her as an insurance thing? ours paid out the first time but said they wouldn’t pay out if it was left open again.

Yeah we've tried that. She knows well enough herself.

The irony is she's got some quite expensive equipment in the conservatory.

OP posts:
woodhill · 02/08/2022 18:09

Yanbu

She is being a real pain

Longdistance · 02/08/2022 18:10

This is the opposite of what my gm was like. She’d lock everything if it wasn’t nailed down.

Have you explained to her that if the door isn’t locked and someone walks in, the insurance is invalid?

Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 18:11

Heroicallyl0st · 02/08/2022 18:04

How safe is the area you live in? If it’s a quiet area with other neighbours home and in the daytime etc it’s not idea but do you need to worry? Could you get a visible security thing to put off thieves eg a camera doorbell or motion activated etc?

Yes we need to worry. It's a village, but it's obvious when we're all out because there are no cars on the drive. It's a big house. DH has had stuff nicked out of his van (on the drive here) in the past. We haven't got any close neighbours. House opposite but lady is never home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 18:12

forrestgreen · 02/08/2022 18:06

I'd swap the lock for a Yale one. And put a door closer on it. And remove anything that could conceivably used as a door stop.

And leave some retirement home brochures around, as she's obviously loosing it...

Thank you. I laughed at this. I need to find a sense of humour about it :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 18:14

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 02/08/2022 18:07

Hardly bullying. The OP and her DH seem to have done everything short of going down on their knees and begging her not to leave the house open to any passing stranger.
If anything got nicked, the first question would be ‘ was the house locked/ secure?’

the handle is a great idea. It doesn’t really matter if she is doing this to drive you mad or because she’s getting there herself. It’s not safe.

Thank you. Yes, 'were the external doors locked?' would be the first Q.

I like the idea of the change of handle v much.

Breaking news to DH in a few mins.
And keeping the peace! Hmm

OP posts:
yonce · 02/08/2022 18:14

Topgub · 02/08/2022 18:00

You bullied her into a position she didn't want to be in.

She's rebelling.

Are you living in her house or is she living in yours?

I bloody love mumsnet 😂

Woman leaves house insecure, open to thieves and any passing person, is mentally able to remember to lock the door and asked to do so - somehow that's bullying her?!

I'd definitely get some retirement village leaflets delivered - remind her they lock all the doors for you and keep an eye on you 👀

Tbh I'd definitely be keeping the key, I would rather annoy her than be burgled or worried about it all the time

Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 18:16

Longdistance · 02/08/2022 18:10

This is the opposite of what my gm was like. She’d lock everything if it wasn’t nailed down.

Have you explained to her that if the door isn’t locked and someone walks in, the insurance is invalid?

lol
Yeah we've had the house insurance discussion.
We pay the all the house insurances. Don't ask for contribution.

OP posts:
WinterMusings · 02/08/2022 18:16

@Laiste

internally, is her Annexe completely contained & can you lock any doors between the house & the Annexe?

thst would be my first step

Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 18:19

@yonce Thank you.

It's so easy to feel bad and bullying when dealing with an elderly person. I'm an only child and until these last few years i've had to keep her a bit at arms length because our relationship has never been great. She herself is/was very manipulative and selfish, to be blunt.

Now she's old and needs me. I'm trying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 18:21

WinterMusings · 02/08/2022 18:16

@Laiste

internally, is her Annexe completely contained & can you lock any doors between the house & the Annexe?

thst would be my first step

No. And this is why it would be a complete insurance nightmare. There is a door which is lockable between the conservatory and her living room. But she doesn't/wouldn't lock that.

Once you're into her living room you're into the whole house.

OP posts: