Mum keeps leaving the door unlocked. Advice on how to handle it?

[Laiste]

(no pun intended)
It's a WWYD? I'm posting for traffic. sorry.

Short version ... we live together and she keeps going out and leaving the door/s unlocked.

The long version with detail and a bit of insight is this ... We all live together and have done for 5 years. She has her own living room with a conservatory attached and a little courtyard garden directly outside it which she potters in daily. DM is 84 and very doddery but likes to walk out round the village a bit (with her sticks) most days. She still seems as sharp as a tack. Uses internet. Checks bank statements ect. Forgets nothing else important.

When we moved into this house the front and back doors were those UPVC ones with a handle. Always open unless you actively lock it. Conservatory the same.

DM resisted locking the front door - preferring people she'd called over to be able to just walk in so she didn't have to get up and let them in. I hated this - one day i came downstairs in my bra and pants and the bloody computer repair bloke was marching into the house. ''Oh your mother said just walk in! ho ho''
I asked her loads of times to keep the key turned but she wouldn't. DM cannot hear anyone coming into the house from her living room, so it was a big security issue if the rest of us were out. (5 adults one child) DD4 was only 3 when we moved in. Didn't like door left open/unlocked for this reason also, plus pets.

So after 18 months of tussling with her about this we changed the door (at our own expense) to one with a yale lock. (£££ solid door) It has an easy handle on the inside, but you need a key to come into the house. When it's shut it's SHUT. (We also changed the back door.)

DM rallied hard against the new front door. First of all she just kept leaving the bloody thing ajar. To let people walk in (again!) and also when she went out (even if we were all out!) to avoid bothering taking a key. We worked through it all patiently. Extra pull handle on inside. Special graphite powder to make sure the key slips easily. DH made her a wooden tool thing so she could manage the key from outside (which hasn't been touched since). We are now at the stage where 90% of the time she uses the front door properly. Happy end? NO.

3 times in the last few months she's gone out and left the conservatory unlocked! Expensive secure front door - but anyone could walk in through the bloomin' conservatory!

The first time; i mentioned it and she said oooh did i? I've never done that before ect. Second time we said if she leaves it unlocked again we'll have to keep the key and lock it/unlock it ourselves when we're at home, but she was furious with that idea! Shouted and hollered and said we ''couldn't do that'' because she wouldn't be in control of when she went out into the courtyard and insisted it wouldn't happen again.

Well she's done it again today :(

DH will be furious. I haven't told him yet. I don't know how to handle it.

The big long story is because a big part of me feels this is bloody minded/can't be arsedness rather than a loosing marbles situation. But the upshot is the same either way - the house isn't secure when she does this.

WWYD?

There’s a lock that works on your thumb print not a key (and you can have lots of people on it). I think they were under £200 when we looked for a dependent family member. Basically the door is always locked and you swipe your thumb to open it.

There's a little voice recorder thing called a memo minder. You can record a message and when the person walks past it goes off. It could be ypu or your husband saying 'please lock the door'. It would be the last thing she heard as she went out. Quite often used to support people in early stages of dementia- inexpensive too.

Locking the door and housing the key means she had no access to the garden and no means of keeping herself cool or having fresh air. In the house that she's paid a lot of money towards.

And yes, it's immoral to lie to her, to pretend she's been burgled, and to take away her stuff.
If someone did that to you, for whatever reason, and you later found out, you're not telling me that you'd think anything other than that the people who did that to you were liars and cheats. Even worse, those people are those who you love most.

Hiding the key, even

If someone did that to you, for whatever reason, and you later found out, you're not telling me that you'd think anything other than that the people who did that to you were liars and cheats. Even worse, those people are those who you love most

nope - I'd get the message!

But if this lady gets physically attacked in her home and/or is genuinely burglarised - there will be far graver outcomes and emotions to deal with!

My Nana and Mum both got ten times more stubborn — and mean — the older they got.
Turns out it was senile dementia, even though they were quite “with it.”

OP, can you get a keypad installed with a code? She then never has to remember her keys. We have one and it's brilliant.

Poor OP. I can't see any of the suggestions really working. Most are just too much hassle for OP.

OP says she has always been a bit of a so and so.

Sorry to have left thread. Have read through.

Am so grateful for everyone's contribution. Reading this thread is almost exactly the same as my own internal dialogue about the situation! ''Hide her stuff .... yes - no - that would be awful!'' 🙄

By the way, DH is well impressed with the simple suggestion of swapping the spindle in the conservatory door. To one that means when the door is shut it's not openable from outside. I've been given the task of googling and ordering one. You can bet our door locks are some weird size though!

I haven't said anything to her about changing the lock yet. We will when the time comes for DH to fit it obvs. I'm not going to get all het up again. We'll keep it calm and matter of fact. As pp says she's either doing it will subconscious malice (or conscious! Who knows?) or it's cognitive problems. No point in arguing either way.

Will answer some questions in case anyone still interested. Hang on.

@Robin233 I'm inclined to agree. I do feel it's at least in part deliberate due to her character all her life.

Those who have given tech advice - thank you. I'm going to look into some of these. Just for basic security and future problems apart from currant situation.

With regards to regret: well, what's done is done and it's no good moping. We've invested a huge amount of money, time and effort (DH has nearly killed himself with the physical effort) Building all week and then building this place at weekends. Financially very worth it. Mentally ... hmmm.

I do the cleaning except her living room and the conservatory. I do her shopping and i collect/sort her medicine. She organises her own GP/hospital trips.

She does have her keys on a lanyard for when she goes out, yes.

She carries all our phone numbers (now, after another heated discussion) so that if she has a fall while out she can tell someone a number to call.

She has a fall alarm for at home.

Yes, we're in a rural village, but we have had stuff stolen from one of our vehicles on the drive in recent years and there has been a spate of thefts from some of the surrounding villages. Plus horse boxes being nicked! (haven't got one of those)

@saraclara i think you and a couple of others alluded to worries abou tbeing locked out. We have a key hidden on the property outside. She can get to it.

With regards to key box - she says she will only be able to use one if the number is the house number. .... sigh. No burgler will ever think of that ay?!

She has the conservatory door open when it's warm pretty much all day long. Same as pp.

Also, if she goes down to where the bins are the front door is ajar for ages. This is all fine (because someone's in!) but we couldn't have alarms going off for that long.

She has a very set routine of walking out. So anyone could work out the routine and see the drive empty of all cars and go round the house trying doors.

@funnelfanjo thank you for taking the time to write that post x So similar to us even down to the historical rants about my gran. And now she's the same. (SHe was really spiteful to Gran)

lol. My evil inner dialogue right there.

The house used to live in (one i grew up in) was a normal semi in London with a yale lock front door. When it was shut it was locked. You needed a key on the inside as well as outside actually. And god help me if i didn't shut it properly/lost my key as a kid 🙄

I'm not wildly security conscious. I've never been burgled. I know what heart ache it causes though. I don't want it to happen. I've never had alarms ect. in the past, i just want the external doors locked if everyone is out. DH has some bits in the house which are irriplacable.

PCSO is a good idea.

She's VERY respectful of authority figures. She would detest the idea that someone outside the house was aware of her behaviour though.

Thank you - hopefully the simple handle change will solve this one.

Then we'll just have the leaving the gas on to deal with ... 😫
(a new kitchen with 'turn itself off' elec hob is in the pipeline. Eventually)(if we're all still alive that long!) 😂

Sorry I got carried away, didn’t mean to make it about me! One other thought I had, is it time to introduce a carer into the family routine who can come and check everything is ok during the day? Advantage of having someone outside the family is that it takes away some of the emotion. Also, thinking longer term, one day your mum may need carers to still be able to live with you if you don’t want to be stuck there 24 hours a day. It may be good to start now and ramp up their hours and duties gradually as needed.

What about electronic locks? The door locks automatically on close. You can get ones that open by key fob or by code.

One thing that occurs to me is: could she have some physical difficulty is opening/ locking the door with the standard lock and key? If so, is there any way that it could be made more 'user-friendly'?

@funnelfanjo NO you didn't make it all about you! 🤗I've thought about the carer situation in the future too. At the mo there wouldn't be enough work needed for an outside carer.

She's unstable on her feet but she has a chair lift and we have downstairs loo ect. Luckily the 3 or 4 falls she's had have been at times we've been home. She has her alarm though. At the mo. she can deal with most of her own personal care. Shopping, cleaning, dealing with rubbish and the garden - that's all us.

If we weren't her she'd need some outside help. It's a delicate balance.

Not a chair lift!! 😂😂We don't live up a mountain!

Stair lift.

It's something to look into for the future perhaps thank you. The front door is locked when it's closed.

Hopefully this handle spindle thing will work for conservatory.

@ddl1 she does have trouble with her joints. But she can physically manage all the doors. Dh made her a tool when the new front door was put on. (There was a huge fuss). She doesn't use it.

If she came to me one day and said ''Laiste, i can't open/close this bloody door'' i'd work with her and find a solution. But that isn't what's going on.

I don't know why she's doing it but i can't just let her leave the doors open.

Honestly if she had her way she'd be literally leaving the door open while she went out. And sometimes she's out all day. Not just unlocked. Actually not shut. Wood not in hole! I know this because she's done it when we've been away for a weekends ect.