Mum keeps leaving the door unlocked. Advice on how to handle it?

[Laiste]

(no pun intended)
It's a WWYD? I'm posting for traffic. sorry.

Short version ... we live together and she keeps going out and leaving the door/s unlocked.

The long version with detail and a bit of insight is this ... We all live together and have done for 5 years. She has her own living room with a conservatory attached and a little courtyard garden directly outside it which she potters in daily. DM is 84 and very doddery but likes to walk out round the village a bit (with her sticks) most days. She still seems as sharp as a tack. Uses internet. Checks bank statements ect. Forgets nothing else important.

When we moved into this house the front and back doors were those UPVC ones with a handle. Always open unless you actively lock it. Conservatory the same.

DM resisted locking the front door - preferring people she'd called over to be able to just walk in so she didn't have to get up and let them in. I hated this - one day i came downstairs in my bra and pants and the bloody computer repair bloke was marching into the house. ''Oh your mother said just walk in! ho ho''
I asked her loads of times to keep the key turned but she wouldn't. DM cannot hear anyone coming into the house from her living room, so it was a big security issue if the rest of us were out. (5 adults one child) DD4 was only 3 when we moved in. Didn't like door left open/unlocked for this reason also, plus pets.

So after 18 months of tussling with her about this we changed the door (at our own expense) to one with a yale lock. (£££ solid door) It has an easy handle on the inside, but you need a key to come into the house. When it's shut it's SHUT. (We also changed the back door.)

DM rallied hard against the new front door. First of all she just kept leaving the bloody thing ajar. To let people walk in (again!) and also when she went out (even if we were all out!) to avoid bothering taking a key. We worked through it all patiently. Extra pull handle on inside. Special graphite powder to make sure the key slips easily. DH made her a wooden tool thing so she could manage the key from outside (which hasn't been touched since). We are now at the stage where 90% of the time she uses the front door properly. Happy end? NO.

3 times in the last few months she's gone out and left the conservatory unlocked! Expensive secure front door - but anyone could walk in through the bloomin' conservatory!

The first time; i mentioned it and she said oooh did i? I've never done that before ect. Second time we said if she leaves it unlocked again we'll have to keep the key and lock it/unlock it ourselves when we're at home, but she was furious with that idea! Shouted and hollered and said we ''couldn't do that'' because she wouldn't be in control of when she went out into the courtyard and insisted it wouldn't happen again.

Well she's done it again today :(

DH will be furious. I haven't told him yet. I don't know how to handle it.

The big long story is because a big part of me feels this is bloody minded/can't be arsedness rather than a loosing marbles situation. But the upshot is the same either way - the house isn't secure when she does this.

WWYD?

You can get sensors that will tell you via an app if a door is open

Does she explain to you why she can't do this very reasonable request.

Perhaps she needs to live elsewhere if she can't

put door closers on the doors? But honestly I'd be saying that if she can't do simple stuff like home security then she can't stay. People don't get nicer or more co-operative just because they get old.

Trouble is - if she's pottering in the courtyard she has the door propped open.

If i'm out and the sensor says the door is open, i don't know if she's gone out and left it, or is in and just going to down to the bins/pottering.

Sorry that wasn’t very clear, sensors to alert you if the door is opened, if a guest has arrived or an intruder

The second time - she went out for the whole day (after we'd all gone out) and left the door open - i asked her what she thought was best if she couldn't remember to lock the door.

She insisted over and over that she'd not forget again.

So i said ok.

Hmmm not sure what you can do about the actual locking, presumably there is some technology that will help but might be pricey. Where you can check if a door is locked and activate it remotely

Yes this is it.

I said this. After the rant about not taking control of the key we had a more balanced chat and i said what would you do if someone couldn't manage a basic security thing.

As i said - she said it was a one (two at that point actually) off.

Just googling that handle.

Seems perfect!

DH is handy so he'll prob try and fit it himself.

The conservatory doors are pretty old and knackered. But we can't afford whole new ones right now.

Thank you everyone. It's been cathartic just doing this thread. 😀

Right, think of the layout of the house. Get an architect/builder in for a quote as to how to block her access to your side of the property, leaving her with an independent entry and exit. I know it sounds drastic but it will pay you back in spades if you can afford to do it.

Other than that get the local community police around for a chat with her. A FIRM chat about personal and family safety. But I think she is doing this to get at you somehow. Did she sell her property to contribute to the cost of the new home? Did she welcome the idea of coming to live with you all?

Can you isolate her accommodation from yours?
Or provide a lock between the 2 parts that only you can open?
She'd then presumably be free to enter & leave via the conservatory.

My DM used to do this, & memory loss was the cause.

If the nifty handle isn't a solution (like not compatible with the door or something) then could you make the courtyard secure? A high gate that you can lock and she doesn't have the key to?

@Laiste

Yeah our door is never locked during the day and often overnight

We do lock it of no one on but have occasionally forgotten.

Your mum obviously disagrees with your locked door policy. She's an adult and you say she has capacity.

Obviously there's no compromise. You cant both get your way. You want the door locked, it's your house, she should lock the door

Maybe she's upset that she can't live independently?

Exactly @yonce surprised there's not been a
'THIS IS YOUR MOTHER!! YOUR GIVER OF LIFE' yet!

Honestly op. It would be different if you thought there was cognitive decline, but she's basically just putting her want (for convenience) above basic family needs (to feel safe and secure and private in your home).

I would honestly set it out from the pov that you have a right to privacy AND security in your home. She has a right to leave her property unlocked. But when her right trumps yours like this, living together is no longer compatible. It's the truth.

You need to explain this to her - long term, this has proven unviable. What is the alternative?

Btw. If she "can't" live alone, what would she do if you were not here. Or your house was too small or you couldn't afford it or couldn't move closer due to work etc... Plenty of other families manage without living together in 1 home. I think you need to challenge the very basic assumptions that this is the only viable, permanent option here. It often is a want not a need.

(Speaking as someone who grew up with a massive fear of the house burning down due to a grandparent leaving the stove and fire in unsafe scenarios as they became less mentally on top of things, 40 years later the fear is still there! I was your children in that situation!)

@fizzywat DH is the builder 😃We've doubled the size of the house to accommodate us all. Impossible to isolate her bit. We share kitchen, hall, bathrooms stairs ect.

Yes she was keen for this arrangement. She freely admits that she couldn't live here or anywhere else independently (i've overheard her saying this to her best mate also, so not just lip service to us). She contributed part of her savings towards the build - about a quarter of it. She's on the deeds with both of us. We've paid/are paying the remaining three quarters of the costs. Took out a mortgage to do it. We're not quite finished with the build yet.

Conservatories are not secure if they have poly roof as you can just slide a roof panel out and climb in the roof. I only realised this when ours was leaking. So if it’s that type of conservatory even locking the door won’t secure the house

No -- we really can't. We share the rest of the house. And she wouldn't lock any internal lockable doors just as she doesn't lock the external ones ...

Are you living in her house or is she living in yours?

I spent 18 months asking her to lock the door. I assume you'd be fine with your front door unlocked, and no one at home?

When you deliberately refuse to answer a straight question like that you make it obvious that there's much more to this than you're telling people.

That's interesting, I seem to have mislaid my address book for the moment. Could you remind me of your postcode and house number please.

Oh, when do you expect to be away again? I don't want a wasted journey!

😈

The courtyard bit is open to the back garden which then wraps right around one side of the house. It would be pretty impossible to gate it off securely and she'd hate this as well! We wanted to put a lock on the side gate but she didn't want this.

Sorry to keep saying no. I appreciate all the ideas :)

@DoNaeWrong

And maybe the ops mum has a terrible irrational fear of being trapped and unable to get out in the event of a fire?

Send her camping in a tent in the courtyard. She is obviously fearless of intruders.

How about installing a lock that she can open with her smart phone? Maybe she finds it difficult to turn the key - this would eliminate that