Mum keeps leaving the door unlocked. Advice on how to handle it?

[Laiste]

(no pun intended)
It's a WWYD? I'm posting for traffic. sorry.

Short version ... we live together and she keeps going out and leaving the door/s unlocked.

The long version with detail and a bit of insight is this ... We all live together and have done for 5 years. She has her own living room with a conservatory attached and a little courtyard garden directly outside it which she potters in daily. DM is 84 and very doddery but likes to walk out round the village a bit (with her sticks) most days. She still seems as sharp as a tack. Uses internet. Checks bank statements ect. Forgets nothing else important.

When we moved into this house the front and back doors were those UPVC ones with a handle. Always open unless you actively lock it. Conservatory the same.

DM resisted locking the front door - preferring people she'd called over to be able to just walk in so she didn't have to get up and let them in. I hated this - one day i came downstairs in my bra and pants and the bloody computer repair bloke was marching into the house. ''Oh your mother said just walk in! ho ho''
I asked her loads of times to keep the key turned but she wouldn't. DM cannot hear anyone coming into the house from her living room, so it was a big security issue if the rest of us were out. (5 adults one child) DD4 was only 3 when we moved in. Didn't like door left open/unlocked for this reason also, plus pets.

So after 18 months of tussling with her about this we changed the door (at our own expense) to one with a yale lock. (£££ solid door) It has an easy handle on the inside, but you need a key to come into the house. When it's shut it's SHUT. (We also changed the back door.)

DM rallied hard against the new front door. First of all she just kept leaving the bloody thing ajar. To let people walk in (again!) and also when she went out (even if we were all out!) to avoid bothering taking a key. We worked through it all patiently. Extra pull handle on inside. Special graphite powder to make sure the key slips easily. DH made her a wooden tool thing so she could manage the key from outside (which hasn't been touched since). We are now at the stage where 90% of the time she uses the front door properly. Happy end? NO.

3 times in the last few months she's gone out and left the conservatory unlocked! Expensive secure front door - but anyone could walk in through the bloomin' conservatory!

The first time; i mentioned it and she said oooh did i? I've never done that before ect. Second time we said if she leaves it unlocked again we'll have to keep the key and lock it/unlock it ourselves when we're at home, but she was furious with that idea! Shouted and hollered and said we ''couldn't do that'' because she wouldn't be in control of when she went out into the courtyard and insisted it wouldn't happen again.

Well she's done it again today :(

DH will be furious. I haven't told him yet. I don't know how to handle it.

The big long story is because a big part of me feels this is bloody minded/can't be arsedness rather than a loosing marbles situation. But the upshot is the same either way - the house isn't secure when she does this.

WWYD?

You wouldn't believe how many elderly people leave their external doors unlocked, it's mad!

I disagree with this. In the middle of the day a house in our village was burgled, through an open window which was forced open. It was in a terrace of cottages which are in quite a public area (i.e. not tucked down a little lane) so a high chance of being seen or heard. There's no way I'd be leaving doors unlocked or going out with windows open now and unfortunately police have no time to look in to these incidents.

OP- my DH is awful at locking up and has a few times left front or back door unlocked. We have an alarm system so I always put that on but he gets an earful if I find the door unlocked in the morning. He still hasn't quite got it but he will now go back downstairs and check if he can't remember locking it. I feel your frustration and I always lock up if we are going out as a family because I'm never 100% convinced that DH has. I am also known to put the alarm on if I know he has gone out so atleast I'd be alerted if someone walks in the door.

Can't provide any helpful suggestions beyond shouting at her about it, causing a big row and telling her she will need to move out if she can't lock a door! 😂

yes there is another explanation, she is being a pain in the arse.

If you get a camera position it to be able to see if the door is open rather than a doorbell camera! Someone above mentioned eufy, if you get the new lock that automatically locks the door you could always get a eufy robot vacuum that you can control to nudge the door closed if she leaves it open and goes out

Lots of useful alarm-type devices around.
www.ultrasecuredirect.com/wireless-indoor-alarms/solar-battery-wireless-alarm-systems/bt-wireless-shed-garage-alarms/bt-wireless-door-window-contact-keypad-siren-007-0630-p1919.html

Might be worth investigating the possibilities of some kind of alarm that goes off if exterior doors are opened unexpectedly or she forgets to lock them. I'd put up a security camera back and front, have a ring doorbell and other devices. No self-respecting burglar is likely to risk being caught on camera trying your doors.

Is she worried about being locked out? You say she's sharp but I never locked myself out till I turned 60 and it was expensive and inconvenient and has made me a bit twitchy. Key safe? Keypad lock? Would she be more inclined to lock up if she knew she could get in if she forgot her key? It sounds as if mobility is an issue for her if she doesn't want to have to get up to let someone in. Anything you can do to tackle that — a key safe, for example, so that trusted visitors can let themselves in?

Maybe she is. But why? Seriously, what actual reason could be behind her doing this? I can't see that it would be to deliberately wind up her daughter, when in all other ways she behaves normally and cooperatively.

I really think that there's something either fear based or subconscious behind behaviour like this.

I was going to say this.

We have Ring door sensors on all doors. They beep
If opened and can tell you if they are shut.

If you put the type that locks and needs a key to open it from the outside, you'll always know either

A. It's shut so automatically locked.

B. it's physically open and can't be locked.

This way you can remind her to shut the doors if needed as your phone will alert you.

If it's not too intrusive you can get a Ring motion camera to pick up pottering in the courtyard.

But it might be too intrusive.

Ruddy noisy alarm that goes off every time the door is open / unlocked?

Is she physically able to put a key in a lock op? Arthritic hands/poor eye sight?

All I can say, based on my experience, is that you can't assume your mum at her age thinks and rationalises situations in the way she would have done 20+ years ago, even if she appears to be on the ball otherwise. Things like this can actually be the start/signpost of cognitive issues. My mum doesn't have dementia, but she never knows what day of the week it is, struggles to work the microwave, the tv, the radio etc. Regularly get told something isn't working, but it turns out she can't operate it any more. She also has problems remembering to lock and unlock doors appropriately - try talking to her about the door thing and get denial and a general brushing off and "it will be fine" next time.

I try and be patient and make allowances, knowing it must be awful to get old, know you're old, losing your physical and mental abilities. And then I remember the rants she used to do about her mum when she was in my position and have a little smile, because she's doing all the thing she used to complain about my grandma doing. And then in turn I exchange rants and black humour with my brother.

You're an absolute saint having your mum live with you, but I've found the only way I can cope is to "detach with love" - ie try and not get emotionally involved in situations, like not get upset that she forgot it was my birthday - I didn't even remind her because then she'd get upset that she forgot. Little by little the strong woman that was my mum has faded away, and now I care for an old lady that looks a bit like her.

Lock the conservatory and hide the key. Definitely.

You can set alerts for movement past the cameras, so if she goes out you could see if she was just popping in the garden or fully out.

This solution sounds exhausting. Would you accept your GP checking notifications halfway through a consultation? Teaching? On shift police officer? Call centre advisor telling you to wait they need to check their doors aren't all open?

The solution here isn't more fucking work on the op.

West did she used to do about security in previous homes? Was the leaving the for unlocked a new habit when you moved or habit of a lifetime.

We also leave doors unlocked, occasionally even if house empty. Sometimes if it's hot will sleep with door open. In London. And I'm not old it's just our way/balance of risks etc. Imagine I would be a nightmare to house share with someone who was security conscious wanted cctv etc

I'd change the lock so it locks itself and add a door closer. Then you know if she's doing it deliberately because she'll start propping the door open instead.

We have a house alarm system that has cameras pointing at the front and back doors. Both have some sort of sensor so that if they are opened/broken into the cameras will automatically record for a period of time.
But you can also "drop in" and view on a live basis. Whether the alarm is set or not.
Combined with a Ring doorbell/motion sensor on both you can choose to do spot checks. Both should be a deterrent to anyone considering an opportunistic grab and run.
It would be a loss of privacy for your mum that you could remotely view her pottering/sitting in the conservatory but if it would give you more peace of mind then it's a possible solution. If your mum hates the idea then she needs to close up when she goes out.

Hmm, are you sure there would be no way she could manage on her own? My granny is 86, and she is much less mobile than your mum - she is totally housebound, because she can't get up or down a single step or walk more than about 15 yards. She still manages to live alone: she has Amazon prime for buying anything she wants, a Tesco order every week with a mixture of ready meals and prepared vegetables etc so she doesn't have to do her arthritic hands in cooking, a Kindle and a smart phone. We have to go round if the technology breaks and sort of things like working out what broadband contact she needs, and she has a cleaner etc, and mum and the rest of the family visit to keep her company but she is able to manage alone through a lot of adaptations.

I can see that that's not what you want, but it might be worth keeping in mind if you really can't come up with any solutions.

I guess I just can't come up with a situation in my brain where someone doesn't have a mental impairment and is well enough to walk around the village but couldn't live alone with help.

You can get code activated door locks
like what they use on Air N B
it can be set so you can control it from your phone

if you got it so the door automatically closes when she goes out and if she wants to get back in she needs to put in a code
or you can open it remotely
codes can be stuff like date of birth so easy to remember for her
you can have several door codes on it as well

Hmm, are you sure there would be no way she could manage on her own?

She has put money into the house and owns 25% of it. Whether or not she could (in the short term) be independent, she had invested in this house project, so it would be extraordinarily unreasonable for OP to suggest that she moves out.

I agree with @funnelfanjo (!) - this could be a sign of general cognitive decline or very early dementia. However, in my experience with my parents, as age progresses, stubbornness increases and behaviours much like stroppy toddlers creep in. I think your Mum is attempting to have some sort of remnant of control over her own life, which she is expressing through deliberate non-locking of doors.

Solution: beyond all the practical suggestions everyone has made, I think you have to have a really frank conversation with her about how the non-locking affects you and your children - causing anxiety and worry, as well as the insurance considerations. I liked the idea of a chat from the PCSO which someone suggested.

Overall, great respect to you and husband for what you have done to support your Mum. I wish I could have done the same but my Mum had rapidly worsening dementia. A year to the day since she died 😥.

The suggestion of having some device that makes a continuous loud noise until a door is shut is a good one. Similar to the one cars have.

I'd cameras visible everywhere - to deter thieves and keep an eye on her.

I'd also have things of hers go missing..............like a walk in burglary has taken place

The suggestion of having some device that makes a continuous loud noise until a door is shut is a good one. Similar to the one cars have.

My patio door has been open all day. I'm home. It's very warm today.
No, that device is a ridiculous idea.

I'd also have things of hers go missing..............like a walk in burglary has taken place

You're not alone in suggesting this entirely dishonest and frankly cruel action. In fact you'd actually BE stealing from her. It's pretty shocking how immoral people are prepared to be.

I agree with asking if a PCSO could come round for a chat about the importance of security. Ideally they would turn up unannounced (to her, with you having given permission in the first place) and let themselves in via an unlocked door to further prove the point. I know the police are stretched, but this is both crime prevention and helping a vulnerable person so I would hope they could find time at some point over the week.
Alternatively, (or the above trying and failing) I would be having a blunt chat explaining that either she is being bloody minded, nasty, and utterly unreasonable intentionally leaving you open to burglary or being assaulted in your home (including her DGD), or that there must be some form of mental deterioration causing the forgetfulness and in which case you will be insisting the GP needs to investigate further. Neither causes are great, but there is no other possible explanantion as to why she would persist in leaving the door unlocked. As her which option it is.
Past that, I would be speaking to the GP to raise my concerns and have a potential deterioration on their radar, particularly if the police have spoken to her.

My patio door has been open all day. I'm home. It's very warm today. No, that device is a ridiculous idea.

Great - but OP isn't worried about your home security!

As for immoral suggestions - get a grip. Nobody is suggesting stealing from the mother, the suggestion is being made to bring some sense of reality to her about the danger she is putting everybody in.