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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum keeps leaving the door unlocked. Advice on how to handle it?

130 replies

Laiste · 02/08/2022 17:48

(no pun intended)
It's a WWYD? I'm posting for traffic. sorry.

Short version ... we live together and she keeps going out and leaving the door/s unlocked.

The long version with detail and a bit of insight is this ... We all live together and have done for 5 years. She has her own living room with a conservatory attached and a little courtyard garden directly outside it which she potters in daily. DM is 84 and very doddery but likes to walk out round the village a bit (with her sticks) most days. She still seems as sharp as a tack. Uses internet. Checks bank statements ect. Forgets nothing else important.

When we moved into this house the front and back doors were those UPVC ones with a handle. Always open unless you actively lock it. Conservatory the same.

DM resisted locking the front door - preferring people she'd called over to be able to just walk in so she didn't have to get up and let them in. I hated this - one day i came downstairs in my bra and pants and the bloody computer repair bloke was marching into the house. ''Oh your mother said just walk in! ho ho'' Hmm
I asked her loads of times to keep the key turned but she wouldn't. DM cannot hear anyone coming into the house from her living room, so it was a big security issue if the rest of us were out. (5 adults one child) DD4 was only 3 when we moved in. Didn't like door left open/unlocked for this reason also, plus pets.

So after 18 months of tussling with her about this we changed the door (at our own expense) to one with a yale lock. (£££ solid door) It has an easy handle on the inside, but you need a key to come into the house. When it's shut it's SHUT. (We also changed the back door.)

DM rallied hard against the new front door. First of all she just kept leaving the bloody thing ajar. To let people walk in (again!) and also when she went out (even if we were all out!) to avoid bothering taking a key. We worked through it all patiently. Extra pull handle on inside. Special graphite powder to make sure the key slips easily. DH made her a wooden tool thing so she could manage the key from outside (which hasn't been touched since). We are now at the stage where 90% of the time she uses the front door properly. Happy end? NO.

3 times in the last few months she's gone out and left the conservatory unlocked! Expensive secure front door - but anyone could walk in through the bloomin' conservatory!

The first time; i mentioned it and she said oooh did i? I've never done that before ect. Second time we said if she leaves it unlocked again we'll have to keep the key and lock it/unlock it ourselves when we're at home, but she was furious with that idea! Shouted and hollered and said we ''couldn't do that'' because she wouldn't be in control of when she went out into the courtyard and insisted it wouldn't happen again.

Well she's done it again today :(

DH will be furious. I haven't told him yet. I don't know how to handle it.

The big long story is because a big part of me feels this is bloody minded/can't be arsedness rather than a loosing marbles situation. But the upshot is the same either way - the house isn't secure when she does this.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 19:10

FatOaf · 02/08/2022 19:02

Are you living in her house or is she living in yours?

I spent 18 months asking her to lock the door. I assume you'd be fine with your front door unlocked, and no one at home?

When you deliberately refuse to answer a straight question like that you make it obvious that there's much more to this than you're telling people.

I answered your question 3 min after you asked it.

My ''i spent 18 mnths asking her to lock the door ect'' wasn't for you actually. My mistake. It was meant to be to the poster SarahSissions who asked if the front door really needs to be locked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 19:12

@Topgub she probably is quite upset about not being able to live independently. We do loads for her though. It's not much to ask to have the house secure. We have our belongings here too.

OP posts:
Yabado · 02/08/2022 19:12

Can you get a ring doorbell / camera
you get notifications to your phone so you know if she is gone out / in

theb you can scare her to death by speaking through the doorbell telling her to shut the bloody door😂

I have my ring doorbell linked to my Alexa as well so Alexa tells me that it’s been activated

Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 19:13

surprised there's not been a
'THIS IS YOUR MOTHER!! YOUR GIVER OF LIFE' yet!

There's time* *😂

OP posts:
godmum56 · 02/08/2022 19:13

Laiste · 02/08/2022 19:03

The courtyard bit is open to the back garden which then wraps right around one side of the house. It would be pretty impossible to gate it off securely and she'd hate this as well! We wanted to put a lock on the side gate but she didn't want this.

Sorry to keep saying no. I appreciate all the ideas :)

Show quote history

I think its time that what "she would hate" stops being your first consideration.

BashfulClam · 02/08/2022 19:13

Heroicallyl0st · 02/08/2022 18:04

How safe is the area you live in? If it’s a quiet area with other neighbours home and in the daytime etc it’s not idea but do you need to worry? Could you get a visible security thing to put off thieves eg a camera doorbell or motion activated etc?

My mum lives in a small quiet area where everyone knows each other. Someone snuck in bc and stole her car keys. Her car was found burned out a few days later.

Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 19:19

DoNaeWrong · 02/08/2022 18:57

Honestly op. It would be different if you thought there was cognitive decline, but she's basically just putting her want (for convenience) above basic family needs (to feel safe and secure and private in your home).

I would honestly set it out from the pov that you have a right to privacy AND security in your home. She has a right to leave her property unlocked. But when her right trumps yours like this, living together is no longer compatible. It's the truth.

You need to explain this to her - long term, this has proven unviable. What is the alternative?

Btw. If she "can't" live alone, what would she do if you were not here. Or your house was too small or you couldn't afford it or couldn't move closer due to work etc... Plenty of other families manage without living together in 1 home. I think you need to challenge the very basic assumptions that this is the only viable, permanent option here. It often is a want not a need.

(Speaking as someone who grew up with a massive fear of the house burning down due to a grandparent leaving the stove and fire in unsafe scenarios as they became less mentally on top of things, 40 years later the fear is still there! I was your children in that situation!)

Thank you for this insightful post.

If she wasn't living here with us, or we were unable to keep the house, she'd have to go into a home.

I don't want to have to keep pressing this point with her though, it feels cruel because i know she knows this. I know she knows because she tells other people the same.

I regret doing this to be honest. We have a lovely home (or will have when it's all finished) but if i could wave a wand i'd go back and make very different decisions. Hindsight and all that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Laiste · 02/08/2022 19:21

Yabado · 02/08/2022 19:12

Can you get a ring doorbell / camera
you get notifications to your phone so you know if she is gone out / in

theb you can scare her to death by speaking through the doorbell telling her to shut the bloody door😂

I have my ring doorbell linked to my Alexa as well so Alexa tells me that it’s been activated

lol. I think i will look into a ring doorbell. Not for the scaring to death. They look really good.

OP posts:
Robin233 · 02/08/2022 19:26

@Laiste

@yonce Thank you.

It's so easy to feel bad and bullying when dealing with an elderly person. I'm an only child and until these last few years i've had to keep her a bit at arms length because our relationship has never been great. She herself is/was very manipulative and selfish, to be blunt.
^^^
And there we have your answer .....
Everything she has done regarding the door is deliberate.
(She's not forgotten)
Your mum is in a very lucky position that many elderly people would be kissing your feet daily - not risking everything you worked for - burglary, vandalism, fire etc.
(I hope I'm as lucky - not tucked off in some care home and forgotten- as many are )

adagio · 02/08/2022 19:26

You must have the patience of a saint. As well as the handle suggestion, look at cameras. We have ‘eufy’ cameras - like Ring and links to an app on your phone (you can turn notifications on and off) but no monthly cost as it just saves to a local thingy we keep on the hall table. We have one front and back and it’s great. You can also talk through them and freak out your husband on the way in from the pub

Yabado · 02/08/2022 19:27

@Laiste
They are really good and easy to set up
the wireless one are the best just needs recharging every 6 weeks but you get notifications to do this

you and your dh can set it so you both get notification on your phone / Apple Watch

you could also get the ring indoor cam which you could place in a window overlooking the courtyard and set the radius wider to cover the whole courtyard

cctv is always a bonus plus if your mum is elderly they can be really helpful if she has a fall in the garden as you would know straight away

Topgub · 02/08/2022 19:27

@Laiste

Clearly it is a lot to ask, to her or else she wouldn't still be fighting you on it 5 years in.

I'm guessing she's as resentful of the circumstances as you are, given your last post.

LoobyDop · 02/08/2022 19:29

It sounds hard, OP. Not the security question, which I think you can fix with the conservatory lock someone suggested, but the situation. No good deed goes unpunished, etc.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 02/08/2022 19:34

AspireMe · 02/08/2022 17:55

Confiscate the key.

If you don't want to do that, I'd be tempted to hide some of her things and when questioned, suggest that someone may have entered the house through the open door and committed burglary.

I know someone who did this with her kids, it worked!

Georgyporky · 02/08/2022 19:36

I will not resort to the "we must have a diagram" phrase so common on MN.
But I can't visualise the property, & her part of it.

However, DH is the builder. Is there no way he can make this annexe independent? Has she got her bedroom & bathroom separate from the main house?
Do you cook her meals ?

SBAM · 02/08/2022 19:38

We have cameras that cover the front and back doors that can be viewed on our phones. You can set alerts for movement past the cameras, so if she goes out you could see if she was just popping in the garden or fully out.
Not sure this would help much though, you could potentially be ages away at work and unable to leave and just sat there knowing your house is unlocked.

Would an intercom for the front door be possible? Like are often in flats, So she could buzz friends in without having to get up, but the door would be shut and unable to be opened otherwise.

CornishTiger · 02/08/2022 19:41

I would actually have the conversation. Mum you aren’t respecting us and leaving our home insecure and putting us all at risk if we were to stumble upon an intruder. You either need to start locking the doors or you’ll need to live elsewhere. We can’t keep having this tension and fear. It’s not fair on any of us.

IncompleteSenten · 02/08/2022 19:45

I think I'd sit down with her and say this isn't working out. You're invalidating the insurance and it is really stressful to not feel safe in my home and to have anyone able to walk in.
If we can't stop this then I don't see how we can carry on living together.

RedHelenB · 02/08/2022 19:47

Laiste · 02/08/2022 18:21

No. And this is why it would be a complete insurance nightmare. There is a door which is lockable between the conservatory and her living room. But she doesn't/wouldn't lock that.

Once you're into her living room you're into the whole house.

Show quote history

I'd put a lockable door between her living room and the rest of the house if possible. And keep that locked with the key your side. But you can't treat her like a baby not allowing her access to her outside space without your say so.

Snog · 02/08/2022 19:48

Get her a key on a cord that she can hang round her neck when she goes out. Tell her if she leaves the property unsecured she will need to move out.

ThePumpkinPatch · 02/08/2022 19:49

Snog · 02/08/2022 19:48

Get her a key on a cord that she can hang round her neck when she goes out. Tell her if she leaves the property unsecured she will need to move out.

Her name is on the deeds. She owns 25% of the property. OP cannot ask her to leave

RewildingAmbridge · 02/08/2022 19:51

Where do you live OP? PIL live in a rural village and never lock their doors if just around the village/at the stables. It's alien to us but the reality is there just really isn't much of a risk. If they're going further afield they lock up. To be honest we live in a large town and I don't lock the front door when I'm in. We do have a eufy video doorbell though and CCTV cameras that alert us if anyone comes onto the drive/alley/back garden

fizzywat · 02/08/2022 19:53

Sell the house and buy two side by side. Yours bigger, hers smaller. She can do what she likes with keys and locking doors after that. I know.... I know....

I am sorry to say it, but I really think she is being very mischievous and deliberately provocative and is not showing you and your family much respect.

saraclara · 02/08/2022 19:57

Have you ever had a calm and caring conversation about why she does this?
I can only think that she has some kind of irrational fear about not being able to get out of/into the house. That's really no other rational explanation for why she does this.

So instead of (quite understandably) ranting or searching for technological resolutions, could you get her to open up about any possible fears?

I have one of those kinds of fears. I control it where I can, but there's the occasional incident where I get really really panicky. I'm open about it though, so my family help me manage it.