Bohemian, "lefty" free range middle class parenting really just lazy neglectful parenting jazzed up?

[Naturelover5]

In my three dc's classes we have some of these bohemian, creative lefty parents.. The children are unkempt, scruffy, hair undone & dressed without fail in mismatched clothes... Some of the children have very questionable manners & are either running amock or with their heads glued to screens constantly (as seen on holiday recently, loud obnoxious parents quaffing seccy while the kids were largely ignored).. If council estate kids were dirty, scruffy & looked uncared for social services would be called.. For this particular group (& they are everywhere) the barefoot, scruffy kids are seen as badges of honour..
The lefty parent types are also very anti homework & organised activities outside school as they think kids should be kids however aibu to think they are just lazy & couldn't be arsed putting the effort in?!

What on earth are you talking about? You’re making a massive judgement here.

The main purpose in life of these extreme boho types is to be judged. They are desperate to be praised and perceived as superior. So people judge. Except that, instead of provoking admiration, others can see right through them and they are becoming a bit of a laughing stock.

And it's not that they can't afford or don't know how to clothe their kids properly. They simply don't want to.

The only thing that perplexes me is bohos in campsites, as I imagine these would be the kind of places they wouldn't want to be seen dead going to. Maybe their standards are dropping.

You've certainly ruffled a few feathers OP

At my dcs school we have a new breed of eco warrior middle class hypocrites parents. Often to be found on cargo bikes and waxing lyrical about the wonders of second hand clothes. One of them has a husband who collects classic cars (5 at the last count) not to mention a holiday home. But that's all offset by sticking their kids in holey t-shirts.

From my experience people who come from
money, especially old money don’t care what anyone thinks. I move in different circles now and there is a marked difference in attitudes. My friends from money wear old clothes, visit each other’s house for the Summer and have cluttered old houses. They don’t seem to care what anyone else thinks or spend that much time discussing everyone else’s lifestyle choices.

Very relaxing company. Only try hards spend all their energy policing other people.

Why do you love homework? Kids hate it and teachers do too! Especially in primary school kids should be having fun in their spare time

There is no "this group" but you're clearly enjoying yourself, so carry on if you've nothing better to do. You're not engaging seriously with any counter-arguments, just repeating yourself. This thread has been educational for me because I now understand why I am judged by shitty, ignorant people who associate veganism, long hair, extended bf, with traits with which they have nothing to do, like poorly behaved kids, filthy houses, and even class. All the better to dismiss their ill-thought out views.

The main purpose in life of these extreme boho types is to be judged. They are desperate to be praised and perceived as superior. So people judge. Except that, instead of provoking admiration, others can see right through them and they are becoming a bit of a laughing stock

But the thread hasn't just talked about those, but has included some groups who do quite normal stuff that some posters just happen to think is weird, and lump in with this amount of privilege and obliviousness. See the checklist upthread for instance.

Because when MC parents don't bother with homework or proper school uniform it's considered a lifestyle...when WC parents don't bother, it's because the home is chaotic or there are social issues...and the kids will be on the radar and watched closely by professionals

You explained this so much better than me!
They judge girls wearing pink (yes it happened me with dd3, I was ridiculed & called old-fashioned, hers only wore gender neutral, however her boy could wear whatever colour he wanted but she loved him in pink!)
Judge the parents who bring kids to extracurricular, usual excuse is their kids love to be free & extracurriculars are too restrictive & parents should go children free time after school..
Another mum on the class whatsapp group wanted an anti-homework petition, funnily only her own crew backed her up, the rest of the parents/guardians on the whatsapp group blatantly ignored the message to avoid being drawn into an argument..

Exactly like said mum belittled a mum for single use cutlery then boasted on about their holiday plans to fly drive across the USA.. The irony!

Because when MC parents don't bother with homework or proper school uniform it's considered a lifestyle...when WC parents don't bother, it's because the home is chaotic or there are social issues...and the kids will be on the radar and watched closely by professionals

Exactly this. My bf works in a very MC area- lots of privilege and money- and kids regularly come to school in uniform 2 sizes too small/ stained/ same sweatshirt all week/ unbrushed hair/ too small shoes/ homework never done. I work in a very deprived area in the same city, and these very same things would have pastoral care teachers concerned and on the phone to home/ social work.

It's actually true.

I'm anti homework and I'm a teacher.

I let my children choose their own outfits each day because it brings them so much joy, they're really into their clothes even though they're so small! Sometimes my children go out wearing 'mismatched outfits' because I want to give them some freedom to express themselves. I think that's excellent parenting personally.

If I were on holiday, and I wanted to have a few glasses of wine with dinner, I'd absolutely let my children watch a movie on the iPad! And I'd not force them to go to bed at bedtime either. It's a holiday, a treat! For all of us, not only parents!

Also I'd be more than happy to let my children go barefoot in a number of situations - at a picnic, in the garden, on holiday, etc. I'd be barefoot too! I think this is lovely and freeing and fun.

You'd hate me! But people are different. Children are humans too, who can express themselves and have treats and enjoy themselves and who don't always need to be perfect. Just like adults.

My mum was the opposite of me (you'd probably approve of her!) which is why I'm so keen to raise my children with freedom of expression and creativity and more relaxed rules, because my mum's parenting did me untold harm.

Guess people are just different.

(Saying that, after seeing your previous comment, my daughters love pink, and we don't 'do' gender neutral in my house because my kids just aren't into it and choose their own clothes, and I don't care about it either. So I guess I don't fit in with the cool boho mums either! And my kids love their extracurriculars, but I just let them choose the ones they want to attend? So maybe I'm just in a category by myself, unapproved of by everyone 😂

I were on holiday, and I wanted to have a few glasses of wine with dinner, I'd absolutely let my children watch a movie on the iPad!

Sounds better than..

If I were sitting in the front garden of my council house on an abandoned sofa and wanted to have a few cans of extra strong lager, I'd absolutely leave my kids watching any old crap on my phone....

I was just going to say Brighton is full of these types

Well it sounds more fun - I’d rather have the wine on holiday than the extra strong lager on an abandoned sofa. It also sounds safer for the kids to be watching a movie than to have unfettered internet access. So I guess to me yes it sounds better although drinking in the garden while the kids are on a screen isn’t the end of the world either.

Is your point that the two scenarios are equivalent and if so are both unacceptable or both fine?

although drinking in the garden while the kids are on a screen isn’t the end of the world either

That's generous of you to those who can't afford a holiday

Sorry I thought you had a problem
with drinking in charge of children? I don’t care what people do really.

When my dc were at primary school there was a mother who's children always looked like they had been dressed in the dark, unbrushed hair, the toddler always had snot trails down her face and a sagging nappy. The mother spoke with a very posh accent and they lived in what is known as " the golden triangle" of roads with extremely expensive houses. The class teacher even once had to politely ask her if it was possible could she put coats on her children for playtimes ( it was January). Even back then i knew that had i a very young working class mum who lived in a council house taken my kids into school every day in that state I would have been getting a visit from social services!

You'd hate me!
This is such a smug thing to say, really. Invariably trotted out by people who assume their perfectly normal behaviour is so avant garde that other people are stunned and amazed at their going's on.

I work in a very deprived area in the same city, and these very same things would have pastoral care teachers concerned and on the phone to home/ social work.

But the difference isn't difficult to comprehend. Scruffy clothes aren't problematic in and of themselves.

It's what they signify and what they signify is determined by context. So the family that sends kids in looking scruffy, but also has tennis lessons, skiing holidays, lives in a nice part of town, those children aren't likely to be struggling due to lack of funds. The clothing is clearly a choice.

For less privileged children, the clothing may be more indicative that there isn't sufficient cash to meet their wider needs. Of course that might not be the case, but it's a harder call to make.

Of course the system isn't perfect but Social workers will work on the balance of probabilities and these signifiers don't exist in isolation.

@Legrandsophie If I weren't an only child, I'd think we had the same mother. I remember being at more than one party as a child and not being allowed to play with the other children in case I got my outfit dirty. It makes me so sad to think about now.

As a reaction, I definitely let DS run to feral when it comes to dress. He's not allowed to be a dick though.

Op I know what you mean. I used to live in a very middle class/ leftie city. Like any city there were pockets of deprivation. A couple of dc's friends parents were how you described. The kids were dressed in hand me downs that were either too big or two small (they all had at least 4 kids). Clothes were often dirty with holes but it didn't matter as the were Boden or JoJo. The kids hairs were rarely brushed and the boys had long scruffy hair (I don't know how they were able to see). They rode bikes (no cars), took their kids out of school to go to extinction rebellion protests and the kids didn't seem to do homework (the same 3 sets of parents didn't have a clue when sports day was, SATs were, end of school etc). They often talked and sniggered about the 'other kids' whose parents sent them in to school impeccably (e.g. why would you put bows in hair like that it looks ridiculous). They did not see the irony. Their houses were also so run down (though they'd lived there years and never spoke of doing them up) and quite frankly dirty- but they often spoke about their 1m pound house.....

The kids manners seemed fine but at the park they appeared feral and never came back when their parent called them.

I've since moved away .....

Well thanks for helping me out with some education.. ?!

I think this was sadly common if you are of a certain age and had parents who had made good. Both of mine are from very deprived working class backgrounds and had been lucky/ worked hard to make it to a standard of life they considered middle class.

But it sadly did not seem to make either of them happy, which is a shame. Mum still spends a lot of her time talking with her friends about things they find ‘common’ or ‘uncouth’. The weight of judgement is constant with them. It took me decades not to care what they think.

I’m not sure why people think this is a good thing to pass on to children.

This is my point, the same parents are more than able to provide clean clothes that fit.. The said parents are very well turned out, latest runners with floaty dresses.. Expensive haircuts & colours.. Spend some on your kids or at least ensure the clothes are clean.