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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like the only one?

103 replies

BiscoffSundae · 01/08/2022 14:31

Something I’ve realised on MN is an awful lot of people have so much help from family, grandparents having kids for sleepovers, grandparents having the kids so you can work etc sometimes I feel like the only one who has zero help from family, does anyone else get absolutely no childcare help from family? (Just to add I know family “don’t have to help” not saying they do, just interesting to see how much help so people get)

OP posts:
Picklypickles · 01/08/2022 14:45

I don't either really! My mum only lives a couple of minutes up the road but she has serious health issues and so I don't ask for any help, I very occasionally leave my oldest there for an hour or 2 if its school holidays and I need to go shopping as I can't face taking both children to the supermarket! I have never left my youngest with her and never will, he has autism and ADHD and is a very sensitive little soul. My "stepdad" is one of these dinosaurs who don't believe that autism and ADHD exist and are just trendy labels that every parent wants to give their children these days! He is not at all sensitive to my son and I don't trust him with him at all.

My dad is wonderful and often takes me and the children for days out at NT properties/beach/park/farm parks etc because I do struggle with the two of them by myself, but I've never asked him to babysit or have the kids for sleepovers or anything as he is usually so busy. He has now retired but spends a lot of time away on golf/motorbike weekends and events etc.

Lou98 · 01/08/2022 14:52

I don't either. We have great relationships with both our families and all live within 5mins of each other but my Mum and SD have a young child themselves and both work FT and my MIL has a few health conditions. She is a very hands on Gran but isn't able to look after the kids herself for more than 20/30mins.

We knew this prior to having kids though so factored in the cost of nursery etc before deciding to have our first

Eggmcmuffin · 01/08/2022 14:58

No jelly here either parents either too far away or not physically fit enough to help. We've hired a babysitter and been put 3 times in 3 years! You get used to it, especially if you know no different.

Eggmcmuffin · 01/08/2022 14:59

Help....not jelly 😀

pimlicoanna · 01/08/2022 15:01

Never had any either and have never wanted it. We are happy to have our children with us

SequinsandStilettos · 01/08/2022 15:03

None here. It sucks. Have a great childminder for wrap around care, thank God. Cannot afford a babysitter at night though so just don't go out. Also, struggle with kid's term dates and insets all being different. It is what it is.

oviraptor21 · 01/08/2022 15:03

None here either.
One set lived close but never offered and were reluctant when requested.
The other would have been very happy to help but lived too far away.
DC all grown up now. We used a baby sitting service occasionally but otherwise just managed.

AdditionalCharacter · 01/08/2022 15:04

I was lucky my in laws helped out loads with my DC when they were young. When DFIL died, DMIL wasn't in the greatest of health and the help soon stopped, but we were grateful for all that had been given.

My parents otoh, didn't help out one jot, or if they did, made me feel like it was a major inconvenience to them. My sister got all the help off them. The difference? I had boys and she had girls.

TinaMummy · 01/08/2022 15:05

No help here either despite being promised lots of help from nearby grandma and aunt which has never materialised.

PuffinMcStuffin · 01/08/2022 15:10

No help here either. In laws live 8 hours away so can't, my parents live closer but aren't interested. My DM often calls to tell me how awful she feels that she can't help with the kids, but she actually can, just chooses not to - totally fine but I wish she'd own it.
It's OK, but it's tough going sometimes.
I do get a little annoyed with other parents complaining they 'never get a night off' when they actually do a hell of a lot more of a break than us!

AmbushedByCake1 · 01/08/2022 15:10

I have zero help. Live three hours drive from family.

Homemadearmy · 01/08/2022 15:12

I used to have help and I was very grateful for it. But in the last couple of years the tables have turned and my parent is now elderly and needs support. So now that my children are older I don't have the freedom I thought I'd have. In fact I feel like I've actually got less freedom.

bluegardenflowers · 01/08/2022 15:12

My mum never had help either with childcare or financially however she goes above and beyond for me and my kids and my brother

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 01/08/2022 15:43

Nope, me neither. We lived two hours from mum, when she moved up it was so we could look after her. The only help I ever had was when I had my twins and dh and ds moved in with fil while I was in hospital. And mum used to “mind” the kids whilst I got her shopping on the weekend.

foxlover47 · 01/08/2022 15:43

No , I'm the same , I have my 10 year old
Full time and no family to help so it's just us

ldontWanna · 01/08/2022 15:46

We have none. My mum lives in another country and OH is very low contact with his(they don't have any interest in eachother).

My mum does come to visit(yearly bar covid) but she never really does any childcare either for work or leisure. I think we had one evening out and one day while I was working when she is here.

brownbreadicecream · 01/08/2022 15:48

None really. Never really expected it though. Kids are school age and grandmothers have babysat about 4 evenings in total and the odd hour or so when we had a lot on.
They have their own lives and live 1-2 hours drive away. Have good relationships with the kids.

Actually, DM did help out with a few nights holding the baby when dc2 was born, which was much appreciated!

VerifiedBot2351 · 01/08/2022 15:50

We had no help from family, but found a brilliant local childminder when ds was small.

Adventurine · 01/08/2022 15:55

I don't get any help either. I have a big family, but zero assistance

DarlingCoffee · 01/08/2022 16:11

We have no help either. I find the holidays hard and relentless. I am so jealous of everyone who has grandparents able to help
in the summer holidays. My mum and dad have both passed away and I wish my children could have had more time with them.

stopringingme · 01/08/2022 16:12

We have had no help, all grandparents are elderly and live too far away.

Onlyforcake · 01/08/2022 16:15

No. We are independent adults. We don'need or expect family to provide childcare, or babysitting, or school runs or whatever euphenism you want to use for still leaning on our incompetent parents

ChocoButterfly · 01/08/2022 16:17

My parents moved abroad when I was 17 years old. I don't have any in-laws.

Suprima · 01/08/2022 16:26

I don’t think it’s uncommon in large cities where people have moved away at a young age and settled there. My friends in London with kids have no babysitters and are the mercy of expensive nursery fees or are reluctant SAHPs. You’re definitely not on your own there.

I moved back to be near family to have my baby as my family would do the things you have described and are very happy to. It’s just how things are done in my family. GPs declaring that they aren’t childcare is very odd to my ears. My parents work full time, have hobbies and still both pop round to cook, do chores or look after the baby a few times a week so I can nap or have a long bath whilst DH is working. They’re having a sleepover in a few weeks to do the night wakes so we can have 7 hours sleep for once. They have offered to babysit whilst we go out, but I’m not ready to leave her.

I was sad to leave London but it seemed a bit of a waste when I had a big family who were very excited to help, and are actually helpful. I think a lot of in-laws and parents can descend on their DC and expect to be hosted, or interfere.

I’ll offer to do the same for DD if she ever has DC.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 01/08/2022 16:39

No help at all. And there's no childcare places available near me for 2yrs 😣. How the hell I'll go back full time in a few months, god only knows.

My dad retired last year and has barely visited us, certainly hasn't offered any help. My mum lives about 25mins away but doesn't help, she's only interested in her dogs.