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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like the only one?

103 replies

BiscoffSundae · 01/08/2022 14:31

Something I’ve realised on MN is an awful lot of people have so much help from family, grandparents having kids for sleepovers, grandparents having the kids so you can work etc sometimes I feel like the only one who has zero help from family, does anyone else get absolutely no childcare help from family? (Just to add I know family “don’t have to help” not saying they do, just interesting to see how much help so people get)

OP posts:
80sMum · 02/08/2022 09:29

It seems that my DCs are quite fortunate that I was young when they were born and am therefore still young enough and (just about!) fit enough to look after the DGCs from time to time.

I was 53 when I became a grandmother. I've often thought that in the future there are going to be far fewer children who have active and able grandparents who can look after them, take them out, have them round for sleepovers etc simply because the age at which most people start their families has changed. I was 21, DD was 30 and DS was 31 - and I think they were among the first among their friends. It's not at all unusual nowadays for couples to be having their first child when they're between 35 and 40. So, it's easy to see that the days of every new parent having parents in their 50s and 60s who can help with childcare are disappearing.

Jubaju · 02/08/2022 09:35

We have zero help.
My mum died when the youngest was a few weeks old. Other gps don’t give a shit about us so we don’t see them.
we’ve just spent a shedload on nursery and childcare :(

ButteredToast9 · 02/08/2022 09:36

Very little help here, eldest is nearly 7 and he's been for a sleepover at mums once in his whole life! To be fair, my mum has had health issues in the past and our relationship hasn't always been great but those are both getting better now which is nice. She has a much better relationship with my kids now than she ever has done.
MILs youngest is only 16 and has never

daffodilandtulip · 02/08/2022 09:38

Single parent since DC were 3&6, teens now. Don't see my family and ex "parents" about 12 hours a month. I used wrap around care when they were younger and that's it.

Only in the past few months have I had any child free time in all those years, since DC have started attending the same activity two evenings a week...it's very strange!

Flutterbybudget · 02/08/2022 09:39

I’d have been lost when my husband and I split up, if I hadn’t had older children who still lived at home, which was a massive help with the youngest. They don’t “do” a lot with her, and she has to entertain herself when I’m working, but at least they’re in the house, so she’s “safe”.

ButteredToast9 · 02/08/2022 09:39

Posted too soon! MIL has never had much interest in being a grandma unfortunately (I think because she was still in the kid phase with her own when we had our first - 18 years between DH and his youngest sibling!).
I think what bothers me most is not that we get no help, but that our kids won't have the same relationship with their grandparents as me and DH had with ours. We both barely spent any weekends at home growing up, we were always farmed out to one grandparent or the other and we both are very close to our grandparents because of this. Makes me a bit sad to think our kids won't have the same.

Recycledcurtains · 02/08/2022 09:48

We have no help either. My relationship with my parents is not good enough for me to trust them. I left the older children once when they were 2 & 3 for a few hours and during that time my father smacked the 3 year old. So that was all help gone really.

They make noises about being involved, but I know that it would be a shit show.

The thing that annoys me the most is that all my friends have LOADS of help. So consequently have no idea that finding a sitter, and paying for one, can mean we have to miss out on things.

(Interestingly, my parents have never offered to babysit for an evening, as they were able to get a babysitter to stay over night with us every weekend for £5 🤣🤣 so think that that’s what it should be now….)

miltonj · 02/08/2022 09:57

I don't! They would be were not in the same country. It can be very hard.

EncantoAGAIN · 02/08/2022 10:11

The help is there if we needed it but we don't really ask.

I work around my husband (he's the bread winner) so we don't need childcare luckily.

choppedtomatoes · 02/08/2022 10:22

No help here either. Both sets of grandparents live 5-10 minutes away but just not interested. I will get help in an emergency but it comes with alot of tutting and sighing and when will I be back etc etc. Both me and my DH spent lots of time with our own grandparents when we were children so I don't know where the now uninterested grandparents attitude comes from when they clearly had lots of help.

Ideatcakeforbreakfast · 02/08/2022 10:23

No help here either. Both me and my partner live far away from our parents. My sisters occasionally help but not able to do so regularly as they also work. We have breakfast club and after school club and since we're both in education, the holidays are usually covered but inservice days and parents nights (mine that I have to do) are much harder to get child care sorted for and although my other half has a little more flexibility in his work (he's in a college), he isn't always willing to help on those days which makes it very stressful.

Ideatcakeforbreakfast · 02/08/2022 10:28

Is it not an advantage now if grandparents are older as in if they're younger they will probably still be working and therefore unable to have much time to help out? We live far away from family but if we lived nearby to my MIL (who was 18 when she had my partner and so still in her 50s), she still wouldn't be able to help as she works full time still and won't retire for another 10 years.

Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 02/08/2022 11:09

It’s interesting there was a thread on here the other day about a 4 year old going to a sleep over and most people said that it was too young and they wouldn’t let anyone but family have their child for a sleep over now suddenly it’s weird to want family to have your kids 🤦🏻 Despite what people say I find it impossible making friends as an adult, I have some acquaintances but no one I could ask to have my kids for me there is no one in a position I could ask for various reasons but mainly because they are more acquaintances. Just to clarify I don’t think family should HAVE to have them that’s not what I’m saying I’m saying I’ve noticed a lot of people on MN do have significant help from family so wondered how many others didn’t.

OP posts:
PraisedBe · 02/08/2022 11:19

We literally get one day/night a year child free on our anniversary and even then we have to ask…this year theyve cancelled so we have no-one. During covid we went from Sept 2019-September 21 without a child free day/night. We’ve just kind of accepted it now!

Sartre · 02/08/2022 11:24

We don’t really either. My Mum is the most helpful but she lives 30 miles away and we’re both teachers so usually will just see her during the holidays once or maybe twice in summer holidays. I don’t ask her to have DC, she does offer occasionally but it’s always when she has something in mind I.e her friends are taking their GC somewhere so she wants to take hers too.

NC with my Dad (his choice) and we barely see IL’s for various reasons. No help with childcare, we have to pay for it.

Mally100 · 02/08/2022 11:28

BiscoffSundae · 02/08/2022 11:09

It’s interesting there was a thread on here the other day about a 4 year old going to a sleep over and most people said that it was too young and they wouldn’t let anyone but family have their child for a sleep over now suddenly it’s weird to want family to have your kids 🤦🏻 Despite what people say I find it impossible making friends as an adult, I have some acquaintances but no one I could ask to have my kids for me there is no one in a position I could ask for various reasons but mainly because they are more acquaintances. Just to clarify I don’t think family should HAVE to have them that’s not what I’m saying I’m saying I’ve noticed a lot of people on MN do have significant help from family so wondered how many others didn’t.

How old are your DC? I have made friends with my dc friends parents. We can now let each other know if we are stuck for emergencies. My dh has also done this with work colleagues, invited them to family friendly outings and our kids have got along so we have that as well. Another friend was kind enough to pass on her very trusted babysitter details so we use that too. It's hard but you really have to put yourself out there. When we lived in our home country my dc never did a sleep over either even though we had lots of family who would happily have them.

MamaH2022 · 02/08/2022 11:29

My friend who suffers from PND (thankfully coming out the other side after a very tough year) has no help either. It's very sad to see. Thank god for her friends.

chrissypissy · 02/08/2022 11:29

My wife and I have zero help.

bbqhulahoop · 02/08/2022 11:30

No, none. Both parents work FT so both my girls have had to do nursery 5 days a week and mum is too tired at the weekend to help. I don't mind and recognise they're my kids but I do get a bit jealous of people who have no childcare costs and lots of help

0pheIiaBalls · 02/08/2022 11:33

I have no friends or family, neither does DH. When DD was little we had absolutely no help from anyone.

I'm not suggesting for a second we should have had, or that we were in any way entitled/expectant of help in any way. But it was difficult sometimes, particularly in emergencies (for example once I had an appointment in another town and the trains home were cancelled, so I was over an hour late picking DD up from school but had nobody to call - DH was at work). Also difficult when there was illness in the house, plus I'm disabled which didn't help. We obviously had no babysitting so didn't have an evening out together until DD was into her teens.

It was hard, not going to lie, but having to be so self sufficient has made us a very tight little family unit I think. DD is now in her 20s and we're all still very close (she has no plans to move out, but at least now she doesn't need a babysitter!).

AuntieMarys · 02/08/2022 11:37

We are in our 60s, fit and active. We don't do childcare or sleepovers for dh's grandchildren...we are having the older one for a day next week. The other grandmother has them a lot.

dollyblack · 02/08/2022 13:04

It's not all about practical help and "childcare" though is it, it's about family members being invested in the children, being interested, loving them etc. Paid childcare such as nurseries and babysitters are not the same, is a job/transaction and other parents too, it's not the same as "granny" etc. More than anything I just struggle that my parent isn't interested in spending ANY time with their grandkids, despite being well, active, within 15 mins.

I never never expected our remaining grandparent to do childcare so I could work. I did, mistakenly, have a small expectation they may occasionally take them out for the afternoon or maybe bring them an Easter egg, show an interest in their hobbies, you know, just ANYTHING would have been nice.

Original poster
BiscoffSundae · 02/08/2022 13:08

dollyblack · 02/08/2022 13:04

It's not all about practical help and "childcare" though is it, it's about family members being invested in the children, being interested, loving them etc. Paid childcare such as nurseries and babysitters are not the same, is a job/transaction and other parents too, it's not the same as "granny" etc. More than anything I just struggle that my parent isn't interested in spending ANY time with their grandkids, despite being well, active, within 15 mins.

I never never expected our remaining grandparent to do childcare so I could work. I did, mistakenly, have a small expectation they may occasionally take them out for the afternoon or maybe bring them an Easter egg, show an interest in their hobbies, you know, just ANYTHING would have been nice.

Yes this is true, what bothers me is my mum has my brothers kids every Monday so sil can work and has them for additional sleeps overs she puts pics up of them on WhatsApp daily and has loads of pics of them around her house yet never has mine, never puts pics up of them don’t even think she has any on display in her house, it’s hard to see the difference in how she treats my brothers kids and mine but obviously I’m unreasonable for wanting my mum to treat mine the same and want to spend as much time with mine and have mine over for sleepovers because you shouldn’t expect that of family and it’s friends that should be doing it 😕 it does hurt to know your family aren’t interested.

OP posts:
Notwiththebullshizz · 02/08/2022 13:57

No help at all. Both sets of parents live abroad. It's tough going... I hate it so very much when people say, you chose to have kids.... yes I did, and I love them with all I have, always, however, an evening out once or twice a year with just an adult would be very nice to just refresh and reset as such. You're not alone lovely. All I'd say is perhaps get some friends who would happily do like for like care, so you could get some time alone every so often perhaps. Xx

FramptonRose · 02/08/2022 16:02

We have zero help from either side really.
My mum lives about 30 miles away, doesn't drive amd works full time. My dad and FIL the same.

My MIL on the other hand although she doesn't drive, she could be at our house in 20 minutes on a very direct bus plus she does not work. She will quite happily travel an hour and a half to my SIL to mind her dog every other weekend.
When we do ask we get the same tutting and how long are we going to be questions.

It is tough as so many of my friends have childcare on tap, sleepovers for the full weekend, as sometimes it isn't even about going out, just the house to yourself to sort it out, maybe do some undisturbed gardening, sleep in etc