To feel like the only one?

[BiscoffSundae]

Something I’ve realised on MN is an awful lot of people have so much help from family, grandparents having kids for sleepovers, grandparents having the kids so you can work etc sometimes I feel like the only one who has zero help from family, does anyone else get absolutely no childcare help from family? (Just to add I know family “don’t have to help” not saying they do, just interesting to see how much help so people get)

No help here either. I live near my parents and we have a close relationship, but they aren't interested in babysitting, even for eg 30 mins in an emergency. In laws live abroad but wouldn't be interested in babysitting even if they didn't.

I've come to see that it isn't so bad, paid childcare is really great. You can set the hours and there is no hurt feelings, getting annoyed, no one feels taken advantage of, etc.

Also people that do get a lot of help often don't appreciate it anyway. They still feel tired and feel it's all very hard work. Which it is. If you don't have help, you can sometimes tend to fixate on it, thinking for example, if I could just have the gps do one sleepover I'd be so refreshed. But you wouldn't be.

Single parent no help from anyone. Working 35 hours a week. Paying for everything, only receive child benefit on top of my wage.

No help here- only one grandparent is remaining (and local) and they have never done anything to help out in any practical or emotional way. I’m not quite sure how you could be so disinterested in your childrens lives to not offer a bit of kindness or support (I’m talking about tiny things that would have made a huge difference- not weekly childcare etc)

it was a big deal for me when my kids were younger, so hard to do everything but actually its made dh and i a tight unit as we only had each other, and my kids are now fab teenagers and its the grandparents loss to have no connection or relationship.

OP- its ok to feel jealous, and i promise things will get easier x

No never had any hands on help from a family member. My parents are dead plus I am an only child. I have also raised 17 yr old ds as a single parent since he was 5 months.

No family help- DHs live nearly 5 hours away and I grew up in care. We have a lot of friends locally though so share a lot of care that way.

We get nothing from my parents.
They used to help out looking after DS occasionally before the pandemic but since then they do nothing. I only got help because I was a single parent. They never ever looked after my brothers kids.

My dad has been retired 15 years and my mum doesn't work so it's not like they are busy, they just aren't interested.
I noticed today all the little ones with grandparents looking after them as it's the school holidays but that will never happen for us.

DS paternal grandparents only see him birthdays and Christmas. They used to have him overnight once or twice per year but his ex-mil is petrified of covid so hasn't seen him since 2019 other than through the window.

DHs parents live abroad so won't see DD often when she is born.

I have zero help and 2 kids. Never even thought about that before mine came along but my god would I have appreciated even having one person to rely on in an emergency. It's been tough, tougher than I thought. I look on people with willing and able grandparents etc, with such envy. But nothing will ever change for us so I just get on with it, and if any of my 'loving' extended family come looking for any help in the future I'll be telling them to chase their tail, frankly 🤷

Thanks all glad to know it’s not just me anyway! My mum helped me a lot in the past that was until my brother had kids so I guess it was something I did have so difficult when you lose that help. She doesn’t have my children at all now but has my brothers once a week, but it is what it is, just reading threads on here seemed like a lot of people have lots of help from parents.

That’s it it’s emergencies as well not just for a break it’s difficult having no one to rely on even in an emergency

Not a thing....maybe 1 afternoon outing in18 years...
Il's alcoholics and not interested really...
Mine interested at a distance but not in any practical terms...

Only night outs been when did swops with other parent/friends....

You're not alone! Wish id been able to afford/trust paying for a sitter earlier ..but hey ho ..teen now so!

I have very limited help e.g 20 minutes if I have a dentist appointment. Both sets of GP are elderly/health issues so are not able to do anymore than that.

I think that impression is made worse by the assumption a lot of posters make that there must be family available. Even when OP says none, you have hundreds of post full of incredulity and suggestions a grandparent or other family member helps. I don't think we're that unusual tbh.

My parents were late 60s when we had our first but lived 2 hours drive away. They once came up to look after our child overnight when we went to a wedding but that's all I remember. They did show an interest on day visits and when we stayed over with them but they also had an active social life / lots of holidays then too. They didn't offer and it felt difficult to ask given the distance.

My mil though used to come to stay over every week to look after our child three days a week for about a year, later reduced to two. She then moved to live down the road from us and would babysit during the day or for an evening. But by the time we had our second she was mid to late 70s and didn't feel confident with both children, so we hardly went out together for years. Eventually used a babysitter for special occasions - so maybe 3 to 4 times a year.

My brother and DH's sister also live close by but neither has their own kids and weren't keen so we only used them in an emergency situation (I.e virtually never). Occasionally I'd ask a friend or parent of one of my children's friends but that felt awkward so again it was only in dire need.

Youngest now 17 so those days are gone but we still don't go out that often together - pandemic plus out of the habit!

I live thousands of miles from my family, so get absolutely zero help from them.

None, live too far away. It is hard, time together is the odd day booked off while DD is in nursery (4 hours which seems like loads as it’s so rare).

Nopes, no help.

XPILs were too wrapped up in XHs youngest brother's kids to even remember ours names almost. Even though we only lived 5 mins walk away.

My DM was adamant she didn't want to babysit or help much so i never asked (just said this on another thread!)ours.

2nd marriage: PILs live nearly 2 hours away (and guess what? They are completely wrapped up in DH sibling's kids) and now my DM is in her 80s so can't help even if she wanted to. Which she still doesn't!😂

I've no bro's or sisters.

No help. One set in different country, other local but not physically fit.

Nope nothing
either too busy or don’t want to
or too far away!

I had no-one close to help me either. Both my parents were dead, and MIL lived over 2 hours away. She did help me when she came to stay though.

I find the opposite that in RL it's normal to families to help but on MNs it's unusual.

We are happy to have our children with us

🙄

we probably have help each weekend whether they sleep over or it's a 1 hour drop in.

Other member of my family have always had lots of help because they have nearby family on their partner's side, but we have no one, my family all live at least 4 hours drive away so it's never been feasible or practical.

Sometimes it would have been nice to have them nearer for all sorts of reasons, not least because I like my family and would like to see them more often but also partly so they could develop their relationship with our child, but there's nothing to be done about it.

Zero help here, but we never expected it anyway. I genuinely like having DC around, so it's never really been a big issue, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone babysit for a few hours so we could go to the cinema etc or get stuff done. I don't trust half of the grandparents anyway so even if they offered I would probably say no.

MIL has her other grandchildren over for several nights every single week, so she wouldn't have time to watch ours even if she wanted to.

Both sets more than an hour away and will help willingly in an emergency or if pre booked several months in advance. Both adore DC but physically too far away for anything regular. DM is taking DSs separately for a few days stay, which is fab. We pay for babysitting willingly. But yes, I’m a bit poleaxed when my local friends complain that they’re losing a weekly date night because their parents are away and can’t have the DC as normal!

My mum's the opposite- loads of help and babysitting inc whole weekends at grandparents. She will babysit under duress now, and never offer or ask to have her grandchildren.