To feel like the only one?

[BiscoffSundae]

Something I’ve realised on MN is an awful lot of people have so much help from family, grandparents having kids for sleepovers, grandparents having the kids so you can work etc sometimes I feel like the only one who has zero help from family, does anyone else get absolutely no childcare help from family? (Just to add I know family “don’t have to help” not saying they do, just interesting to see how much help so people get)

I am from a whole other continent. So it's not even knowing anyone well enough in the first place for us. But you learn to find a way.

Never had parental/family childcare. My parents are 90 minutes away, the inlaws are 5 hours away, my sibling is 7 hours away. My parents when the kids were smaller would help me out VERY occasionally - they came to stay for a few days when I was heavily pregnant with baby 2 so they could be there for child 1. But never on a regular, scheduled or weekly basis.

Very few of my friends have parents who live close by, very few use family for childcare.

I also find this idea that emergency help is by default family is very weird. My family have always been far too far away to help in an emergency. I do though have some amazing friends who I can call on, or who can call on me.

People live a long way from relatives, or whose relatives aren't interested need to actively build a support network rather than moaning that their mum won't help out.

Of course you find a way? It would be nice though? To have family help not sure why people can’t say that, in an emergency my kids would go into care weird to have a mum 10 mins away who would see them go into emergency foster care though

Yep when the kids were younger i had to take them to all funerals, hospital appointments etc. When kids are not used to being cared for by other people in that nice communal family way (for example i had that in my childhood, my grandparents and aunties were always around so it was just easy) they can get really upset being left with someone not too familiar in an emergency which just makes the whole thing more stressful.

Mine did offer to help but after a few years of them constantly criticising everything I do - in front of the kids , and not respecting anything I asked them (eg giving them ice cream for their tea one night because my 3 year old asked!) I stopped it and had to pay full whack for childcare. They helped maybe 1-2 days a week but it was affecting my stress levels massively!

I get no family help. They live an hour away. We are NC with in-laws. Occasionally my friend will take my oldest two for an afternoon (5 and 3).

You are not alone! My dd doesn't have any grandparents around and family don't help out either. She's autistic too so doesn't have friends that she can go to sleepovers with. Not only is it hard work it's sad too. I'm so envious of kids they have grandparents around and big families.

My parents so longed to be grandparents, but when I had my first child, I soon realised I wouldn’t be able to count on them for childcare. I first left my DS with them alone at 5 months old to go to a funeral. It was a couple of hours max and DS was fine, they walked him around the neighbourhood showing him off. Next time I left him was for an hour, DS was very distressed when I picked him up, they were clueless as what to do. My in laws who both worked full time were wonderful, it was very unexpected that MIL said she would go part time so I could return to work. I have friends whose children have blackmailed their parents into having their grandchildren, one even said we cannot have children unless you agree to have them. As it happened they settled on the one child and didn’t like the way the the grandparents looked after their DS, so this arrangement didn’t last long.

It's actually not weird. There are many children going into care because their own parents fail to step up. It doesn't mean that if you have family 10minutes away that you can be certain to rely on them? I have a very supportive family but it's of zero help because we made a choice to move away. My plan was to build a network of people who I can rely on, it doesn't always have to be family. I can tell you, not being from this country, not knowing anyone, and then trying to make it work is much much harder.

No help at all here! My mum had serious health issues passed away 6 years ago and MIL would never commit in case SIL wanted her to take her kids (which she would all the time) it's a shame as MIL is only 5 mins away and has no relationship with our kids and only interested when she needs something

Zero help here. We both have loving families but live some distance from them. Our parents still work, although part time in a couple of cases. It just would not occur to any of them to offer to come over to have our children so we could go out for a meal or spend some time together. We have excellent paid childcare so we can work but the rest is all on us. I get jealous when I see friends out for meals with their husbands. We just can't do that and I'm sure our relationship suffers for it. We're in a good place but we never have time together without the kids apart from an hour or two when they're in bed but then we're trying to sort the jobs around the house since we both work full time. It's exhausting.

We didn't when our DS was younger and I never expected it ... we lived a long way from family so it just wouldn't have been practical- equally now as a parent to an adult DC I wouldn't assume my role is to provide childcare for DGC - I also genuinely hope my DS doesn't end up just living 'round the corner' from me ... I think moving away, becoming independent and finding your own circle of friends is a very important part of growing up.
I know quite a few grandparents who feel utterly taken advantage of in terms of just being childcare providers - many won't dare say anything for fear of being 'cut off' from their adult children and DGC.

I had very little help. All grandparents are now deceased but helped out a tiny bit as well as OH's sister. I was always very envious of an old friend whose in-laws would have all 3 of her kids overnight twice a week. She said "I wouldn't cope otherwise". I wanted to say, yes you would, I did!!

We moved to a completely different part of the country when we had our DC - we just had to build a network of friends who would support and help each other. I never had a problem leaving my DS with a friend and equally was always happy to help friends with ad hoc childcare arrangements. We also had a couple of babysitters we could use. I had one lovely (child free) friend who genuinely enjoyed the opportunity of taking my DS out for a walk in his pram - they both enjoyed it and it gave me a break .

Zero here. My fil lives a few streets away, never baby sits. Once I asked I asked him for 1 emergency school pick up (3 streets away from him, in the whole 8 years), as my back locked up. He grumbled and groaned, said that I should have friends to help me! Stopped inviting him for Sunday dinners, since then. I notice that the he ones with help, announce it loudly, the quiet ones are the ones with no help.

I know exactly what you mean, I work with a lot of people who have enormous family support, and I have none. My parents don't live near enough to help around school runs/holidays, and my exes parents never helped either. I've essentially raised my children completely alone for the last 11 years whilst working part time on a low income. Those who have family help have absolutely no idea of how much it helps. Lone parenting can be brutal.

@oviraptor21 I could have typed that myself. My parents live over an hour away and now elderly, but would love to help out more, we're just too far away.
FIL literally lives round the corner, but we only see him when he's bored. Completely disinterested. Obviously our children are not his responsibility AT ALL, but he always thinks he'll join in with the fun stuff but won't be there for us through think and thin. Example- he's bored stuck in his caravan in the rain 45 mins away from our family annual summer holiday, so rung up to tell us he was joining us in the first 12 hours of us arriving. Er, no. Yet when I had an abdominal operation a while ago (couldnt do much, no driving for weeks etc) and my husband had to go back to work, FIL refused to help one Saturday morning with the kids for literally a hour cos he wanted to keep his time free in case he did something else more fun. He's unbelievable.
We thankfully have my best friend we'd help out in any way, and they help us the same x

I don't have any help either. Even when I lived 10 minutes away we didn't. If desperate I can ask my mum or MIL but they make it totally clear that it's inconvenient. We live hours away now so it doesn't matter anymore really.

I think it’s risky to rely on family help. We always had full time paid for childcare but had good support from GP on DC1, so nights out, help when sick etc. then sadly their health deteriorated rapidly so life with DC2 was very different, if anything, they needed us. I have been jealous of friends with amazing families who swoop in and do everything but on the other hand it has made me very resilient and I’ve never posted here about interfering in laws! My one tip would be to try and get a network of school parents … play dates are invaluable during the school hols. I work a 4 day week and always hosted a lot lf kids on my free day and can lean on others then. Make your own village basically. We also use a childminder rather than nursery as it’s more flexible

I get none. I live far away from them. My parents last came to visit almost a year ago.

Not a scrap of help. In-laws live down the road , they are fit and well and in their 70s. V sociable . Both drive. Don't ever help , never have . My family are in another country , so help would be amazing. But it's not just the help really, they never even take our kids out or have them round of their own accord. They are happy to come round when invited for a meal, and to stay for hours and hours and not lift a finger . We have polite, well mannered kids who are easy company ( for other people ! Challenging for us sometimes). Makes me irate that they don't see them more . Wish I lived near my own family. My mil fawns over how great they are as kids but never sees them !!! I feel my blood pressure rising as I type ! I feel your pain OP !

None. My parents very elderly with health needs I'm involved in, husband's parents nearly as elderly and at the other end of the country. I can't remember the last time we asked anyone to babysit, probably best part of a decade ago.

Childcare is expensive, but good childcare is worth every penny. I found the most amazing childminder for after school / holiday care which made the impossible a lot more do-able.

It isn't easy. The media used to call us the squeezed middle, looking after children and parents at the same time.

DS is 16 now, and next week DH and I will have our third night away together since he was born - 10 years ago a friend had him for 2 nights.
From family - no babysitting ever, not even when DH had a mental health crisis or I had a life changing accident and 7 lots of surgery. No days out with us. No holidays. No coming to see ds in school plays/sports. No doing stuff with the GPs when we were there.
We paid for childcare, we used nursery, but its the having no one to be a tiny bit of support and there because they care about you and your child that is hard

My PILs helped when DCs were young - I don’t have living close relatives or they lived too far.
. They had eldest to stay when I was having DS as I had to be in hospital for a over a week pre-birth and dh had to work.
they babysat maybe once every couple of months, but we also paid sitters once DS was 4. Before then we only had family or a friend occasionally if we had a family ‘do’.
they also had occasional sleepovers at theirs.
I never went back to work f/t though - it would never have worked as they lived too far to do after school care . They did help SIL but they lived nearer (10 mins in car as opposed to 30).