New neighbours complaining that our kids are distressing their dog

[InYerFace]

New neighbours (a couple, late 40s so similar age to us, but no kids) came around last night to complain that the sound of our teen boys playing in the garden was upsetting their dog who is a rescue, very nervous and reactive to sound.

I'm really torn on what to do. I'm sympathetic to their situation and I really don't want to fall out with them. I know the dog has problems because it barks at us from his side of the fence whenever we go out in the garden. When they came round to complain they brought the dog with them to show us what it's like - the woman had it in her arms and it spent the whole time growling and baring its teeth.

The kids had two friends over yesterday and they were playing basketball. My dilemma is that while I'm sympathetic, I don't think the noise they were making was excessive - no screaming, no music blaring, just the sound of kids playing in the garden. The ball doesn't thud loudly on the floor as the garden is grass with no paving or decking so its muffled, but it does clatter when it hits the hoop.

I get that the clatter would be annoying after a while, but I wouldn't say it was any more annoying than the noise of their dog barking at us through the fence and I wouldn't dream of complaining about that. It's just part and parcel of life.

Last set of neighbours never complained about the kids playing, but they did have grandkids of their own who came regularly and made a fair bit of noise so they were probably as immune to the noise of kids playing as we are!

They also said they were worried that the ball would come over and hit their dog, even though it didn't.

I've told the kids they're not to play basketball anymore to keep neighbourly relations cordial, but it is a shame as they absolutely love it and it will probably mean they're just inside playing X Box.

The problem is is that because they're teens, most of the games they'd want to play in the garden do involve some kind of ball. Do I just resign myself to a summer of them sat inside? We do have a local park but it's quite some distance away and seems a shame they can't use their own garden.

I think your neighbours have a dog they cannot handle. The fact she was carrying it, and not on a lead, speaks volumes.

You are entitled to use your garden. Your neighbours are being completely unreasonable. Are they expecting you to not use your garden at all, or just in complete silence? If they have taken on a nervous and reactive dog they need to let it out first thing in the morning or last thing at night when it is quiet and manage the situation that way.

Another solution needs to be found by the dogs owners, with advice from a dog behaviour expert or rescue centre where they got it from.

I've rarely seen such agreement in a "garden noise controversy " thread before.

These neighbours take the full tin.

Your husband is correct, just crack on .

No way this is their problem to resolve not yours kids are just being normal kids do not stop them playing

I would have simply replied “oh I’m sorry to hear that the noise of my teens is triggering your dog, what are you doing to help him/her be less reactive and aggressive?” They could take their dog inside if it’s scared. Let your teens play outside.x

You bought a home with a secure garden so your children would have some place to hang out and play safely. They are not doing anything wrong based on your description. I wouldn't ask them to stop because the neighbour's new dog is upset. They need to train the dog not to bark and take it in if it is barking.

This.

I am normally a 'be considerate' person, but they are just being massively unreasonable. Of course your children should be able to play in their garden.

Yep, I agree - say the last paragraph when she next comes round.

Ugh we have a reactive dog next door, barks all the time when we’re in the garden, if it hears us speak it goes mad. I haven’t complained about it because I have a cat that likes to poo in that neighbours garden so I figure bit of give and take is required 😬

Anyway. You’re in a negotiation OP. Your neighbours want you guys to stay indoors and be silent, while they have the freedom to use the garden as much as they want and make any amount of noise in it. You on the other hand want your children to be able to use the garden when they like and play noisy games if they like (and you’d rather the neighbour was quiet).

So you’re in a negotiation where you and your neighbour have incompatible wants. You can’t both get what you want. This is not a ‘make everyone happy’ situation.

The worst thing you could do would be to give in completely to neighbours and agree that they can have the garden 100% of the time while you prevent your kids doing healthy fresh air exercise and instead play computer games. That is ridiculous. (It’s also immoral to prioritise the unreasonable needs of an unreasonable dog over the reasonable needs of normal children.)

You could suggest the neighbour to simply take the dog inside, or for a walk, whenever you use your garden. Or you could suggest some kind of time share eg their dog is outside in the morning and then it goes inside/ has a dog walker while your kids are outside in afternoons. That would get annoying though, as eg what if it’s a sunny morning and rainy afternoon?

The good news is: all this is not your problem. They have taken the popular negotiation strategy of telling you that there is a problem and asking that you come up with solutions. That puts the pressure on you to solve their problem. You should suggest they come up with solutions instead. “I see. What do you want to do?”

What you must not do is teach your children that in a negotiation just give in 100% straight away, no matter how unfair. That’s incredibly weak, and bad parenting.

I’d probably keep it simple. Tell them you’ve asked your children to try and keep noise down a bit, and you’d appreciate it if they could also keep their dog’s constant barking down a bit. If they complain again, tell them “You must accept that children need to play outside and these aren’t particularly loud children, especially when compared to the noise the dog makes! If the dog can’t cope with normal outdoor noises then you might need to take it inside, or for a walk, for a bit when it’s stressed. That’s really up to you. Or consider a more remote area perhaps. But it isn’t reasonable to demand that my children aren’t allowed to play outside, especially when you guys make so much noise yourselves!”

Your neighbours are batship OP but be careful because even small dogs can bite if they get loose.

Don't pander to your neighbours. They sound the type whom, if you give them an inch, they will take a yard. The rights of children to enjoy their garden do not trump the rights of a dog with issues not to be disturbed by normal human sounds!

The problem is created by your neighbours in either obtaining or failing to socialise a dog with issues in an unsuitable environment. They don't sound as if they have a sense of perspective or have any clue how to help the dog.

Poor dog. But no you are a family using your garden and should be able to continue (assuming normal kids playing noise). Well hello that your kids play outside but I digress.

Lots of empathy for neighbours but they need to find a way to make the dog more comfortable, you don’t want a frightened dog and you shouldn't have to have it barking at you thought the fence either. There are lots of things they can try and if they have chosen a rescue they must have known dog may need special adjustments.

I have a neighbour like this. Made out that her distressed dog was something we all needed to learn to manage, suggesting I get earplugs, or sound proof my garden office, or just accept that she had to go out now and again.

Nah....

They have to keep the dog in the house if it doesn't like the garden and socialise it to the noises of life, not the other way around. Carry on as you are, smile and nod. They will get the message.

I am very considerate of neighbours but I simply wouldn't entertain this for a minute.

Your children have every right to be in their garden.

I can hear a couple of teens play basketball near our house and it is a very reasonable noise.

They shouldn't have brought a nervous barking dog to live with them if they thought they could dictate to their neighbours.

In your situation I would adopt a frosty demeanor and not allow them in your door again.

I would tell them politely that we will NOT be dictated to about very reasonable noise.

Their choice to have a nervous dog is not your problem.

Tell them that excessive barking will be reported.

They need to find their manners.

I would say keep basketball to max 30 mins 3x a day ... the clattering through the hoop is annoying but certainly let them play!

The noise doesn't sound terrible, but I can understand why the poor dog is triggered.

Presumably the boys don't want to play basketball all the time - could you just let your neighbours know when they're most likely to be using the garden for ball sports so they can plan to keep the dog in during those times?

Your neighbours can then plan around that, including gradually taking the dog into the garden when the kids are there, so it can begin to get used to normal noise. It's no life for a dog to be permanent recluse, so at some point, it's going to have to get used to normal noise, or they'll never be able to take it out for walks in public without it being terrified.

Your DH is right. You are being far too reasonable and considerate. I like children and I like dogs but the neighbours are nuts. Let your teenagers use the garden as normal. No restrictions. Up to the neighbours to deal with their dog. TBH if I were you and their dog was barking and snarling through a fence I’d be worried about my teenagers/ visiting children using the garden and I’ll be asking them to deal with that behaviour. They are CFs.

Oh god we used to live next door to someone with a VERY nervous rescue. They lived in the upstairs flat of the house next door (no garden) and we lived next door in a house (garden). They would complain about everything being bad for their dog. They even told me not to LOOK AT THEIR DOG as that upset the dog. While I respect anyone who takes on a difficult rescue dog who has been through something awful, maybe don’t (in our case) in a garden-less flat and then get angry with the neighbours for existing.

The idea of arranging your life around a neighbour's dog is batshit crazy. Just ignore her and let the children play.

Don't give in to this OP. The kids were playing which is completely reasonable to do in your be own garden. The ball didn't go over the fence so that's irrelevant.

If you cave on this issue, I can guarantee it won't be the last time. You can't have a BBQ because the smoke irritates the dog, you can't have people round in the garden because the dog is scared of crowds, you can't go out there in the evenings because the dog cant get to sleep. Whatever random batshit excuses they can come up with.

Tell them they can't let their dog out in the garden because it barks and scares your kids. I wonder if they will be willing to "compromise" as others have suggested.

Dogs don’t have to be outside in gardens apart from toiletting especially if it stresses them out. We have a large garden and a well behaved dog but she spends no time in the garden and she’s fine.

They need to get a dog behaviourist and keep it inside in the meantime.

If it were the noise of shouting / swearing, blaring music etc I’d say you need to sort it but normal happy sound of teenagers playing ball and chatting - zero change. Life would go on as usual.

Sorry but you shouldn’t tell them not to play in their own garden! If the dog is distressed they need to bring it inside. Not your problem and sounds like your kids were being perfectly fine!

Unfortunately if they're going out to play in the garden, it will almost-certainly be for something ball-related, or a game like badminton. We've not got a trampoline so not sure what else there'd be for them to do other than sitting totally motionless reading a book (or staring at their phones which is more likely in our case). I think part of the problem yesterday was that there were two other kids over which would have increased noise levels and made them stay out for longer than usual.

They need to move more rurally or to a detached property if they do not want neighbours doing normal things in their own garden. The entitlement of some people never fails to amaze me.