To those of you who had DC after being on the fence… do you regret it?

[Neomsunset]

DH and I are both 30 and it’s getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we’d like to have children, due to the fact I can’t conceive naturally and will require IVF.

At the moment we are professionals living in London and very much living the city life, out most weekend doing social things, dinners out, spontaneous holidays. All of our friends are also child free, but all plan to have kids in the next 5 years.

I spend a fair bit of time with my sister’s DCs and whilst they are a delight, I’m very happy to hand them back at the end of the day! I think we would both very much miss our child free lives at the moment but at the same time, I’m not sure I can imagine being child free forever and I don’t want to make a choice I could regret later down the line when it’s too late!

Would love to hear from others in a similar situation as to what you decided and whether you have any regrets.

Well it's worth reading the statistics about IVF success under age 35 and over 35. Also I'd check the requirements for your local CCG many have an age cut off of age 36

Having kids in your early 30s means by the time you are 50 they will be late teens at least. Otherwise the later you leave it you could still have kids at home in your 50s and 60s. I think rather than think "do I went to keep this lifestyle indefinitely" its more the case of "am I willing to forego kids and grandkids over the next 50+ yrs?" Your own kids are nothing like spending time with other people's children. Its quite common for people to love their own children but still find other people's kids tedious! Its a real gift to absolutely love all children all the time. Our own flesh and blood are always different.

professionals living in London and very much living the city life, out most weekend doing social things, dinners out, spontaneous holidays.

Also these things you may not feel like doing forever

Do you actually want a kid or do you just feel like you should?

I was against having kids, did it for DH. So glad I did they’ve made my life. It’s harder than I thought honestly it’s not easy but I love them so much and love doing stuff as a family x

To be honest that’s what I’m trying to work out at the moment!

My son is 2.5. I was on the fence for a long time. I am 36.

I don't want to use the word regret because I feel awful but if I could go back knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have done it. I love him to pieces but my god it's hard work. I have hardly any money and I'm exhausted.

I got married and having a baby felt like the next natural step but I actually in hindsight I think it might be because it felt like thats what you're supposed to do.

All of that being said though, I know if I didn't have him I'd probably always feel like I had missed out.

I don't regret it. But I really wanted kids

They are harder work than I thought. The toddler tantrums are horrendous and the lack of sleep, mess, the infuriating battles every day from persuading one of them to put his coat on then the other one has poured orange juice on his own head then the other one has wet himself. Etc etc. Takes about 17 hours to leave the house. Mine are 1 and 3 so I'm really in the thick of it with all the mess and tantrums etc

But I was ready for it to be chaos. And its even more extreme than I thought. But I do think my 3 year old is poss more challenging than some. And mine are both boys - just so hyper.

I guess what I'm saying is I think kids are incredible and I don't regret it but don't do it unless you're sure. You've got to really want to do it.

Unless you and your DP have the money and want to get nanny, cleaner, etc in which case you still retain some of your old life and not leave the house covered in wee and coco pops like I do most mornings 😉

A have a 2 yo and I’m still on the fence 😂

I had vague ideas of wanting children (plural) all my life, then realised I would need IVF, which very thankfully worked on the first round via NHS. I was 31 when I had her. I tried to use two more frozen embryos after that for a sibling at my own cost, but those two weren’t successful. I have more frozen I could try, but I am actually quite enjoying the benefits of a one child life.

She’s now a preschooler and I am finding life a lot easier now - less complete dependence on me and DP - she can run about in garden and play while I look on with a coffee. Theres no naps needed, she has stamina to say go out for the day on the train with me somewhere or out for cafe breakfasts / lunches etc. We do activities like gardening and baking, or going for nice walks near where we live. And my DP and I both get reasonable amounts of free time to get back into our own hobbies / social lives. And we get really excited when we get a babysitter and go out just me and DP for a meal out in the city or something - it has made us really value spending adult time together - it’s like a rare treat that we savour now whereas pre child I think I took my life for granted a bit and just went out all the time to fill up the hours. Whereas now I feel like my life has a better and more healthy routine and balance.

I am very glad I made the decision to have her. It’s been very tiring at times and it’s challenging in many ways to raise a child, but it’s a good kind of challenge. One I feel proud of when I look back on her life, and what it’s taught me. She is a joy and I love spending time with her. I’ve made some very dear friends since having her - people I’ve met with children. It’s enriched my life in ways I didn’t know it would.

I think having one child can be a happy medium between experiencing motherhood but keeping some of your own independence.

I have one child and there's a reason we stopped at one! I was on the fence before and, honestly, despite him being the most fantastic person, I wouldn't have had him had I known the reality of being a parent. It's completely life changing and nothing prepared me for it.

I was on the fence. Some bits have been harder than I thought (first trimester, working out what to feed her everyday, all the extra laundry and housework, cost of nursery), but I don’t regret having her. I’ve also found it easier than I expected in a lot of ways (childbirth, she’s a great sleeper, can play independently for hours etc).
I’m undecided about a second, but it would be a no brainer if it wasn’t so expensive.

Im in a similar position to you OP (sans IVF point, I have no idea whether I will have problems conceiving or not so can't factor that in)
However I recently am starting to come down on the side of no kids for a number of reasons.
I feel so much uncertainty about the future even in my own lifetime, but particularly beyond, and I can't bear the thought of having no control over the worlds future when there is a small person in it that I love so much. To have one just to fulfill any of my own needs and "complete" the societal expectations of life just in case I feel regret, feels selfish in that context.

I also have a similar life and I get the point of a PP that you won't always want to do the things you're doing now. But I think that's an irrelevant point. You will develop other interests over time and will fill your life in other ways and with other meaningful pursuits. A childless life is not necessarily an empty or unfulfilled one at all.

And on that point, I have a lot of love to give and am quite a caring/typically maternal person (which is why some of my friends unhelpfully tell me, "oh but you'd be a great mum"). I find that without my own child, I am a much better partner, daughter, auntie and friend and really dedicate my time to the people that matter to me, travelling to spend time with them I wouldn't otherwise be able to, and I would hate to lose some of that closeness. I also feel that children need people in their lives who care for them and are their cheerleaders who are not their parents, and without my own children I can truly be that for the my godson, my neices and nephews and other friends children I am close to. I don't think having my own is necessary for that and whilst I would be missing out on that "special bond" that I appreciate only a mother can have, I feel so fulfilled with my other relationships, I don't feel I am missing out really, and I also feel that my role in their lives and society is valuable too.

I have no issue with other people's choice btw, and absolutely respect those who do have children (we need people to do that otherwise we would be in a sorry state indeed!), but these are just my personal reasons. I think both women with children and those without are whole humans, interesting individuals, both selfless and selfish ( in different ways, there is no perfect choice), and valuable to society and the growth and development of the future generation. Good luck in whatever you choose

We were in a similar position to you. Conceived in the middle of covid so weren’t able to enjoy the last opportunities as just us two. Love our little one and can’t imagine life without her but wish we’d had chance to make the most of being the two of us! And know that there will be time audio when she’s older.

We try to approach life with a different mindset now - there is time as the two of us, though it is rare as getting a babysitter is hard. But family time is so precious and getting to see our daughter learn and see the world is the best.

All I can say is be prepared for a huge life change and make the most of the time before baby arrives! Take the small moments where you can x

I don't have children, I'm late 30s and was on the fence basically my whole life. When I split from my ExH I took about 6-9 months really thinking about what I wanted, not thinking about other people, societal norms etc. When I thought about my life with children all I could see was hard work and having to sacrifice things I wanted to do. I couldn't really imagine enjoying the children. I have a lot of friends with kids and none of them regret having children, they love being parents but I don't want their lives. It's really tricky, trying to figure out what you really want. I think getting divorced meant I could actually have any future I wanted suddenly and I could think clearly about only me and what I wanted.

This is the central question.

Another thing to consider is that probably in the next five years most of your friends will procreate, and the nature and focus of your socialising will change to accommodate that whether you and your partner have children or not.

My DH and I were the early ones in our circle, we spent a couple of years trying to explain that no, we could not come to drinks tomorrow because it was too short notice and we hadn't slept in weeks. Then one by one all our friends had kids and they were there too.

I'm 33 and just had my first baby. Didn't think it was ever in the cards for me. Barely tolerated my friends children🤣 however loved my nieces and nephew, but like you happy to give them back. Then me and DP decided to try, luckily it happened quick. Safe to say it was the best decision I ever made. She's the best thing that's ever happened to us. She's just a total joy to be around and she's a great sleeper. Not a fussy baby at all. We have two incomes and are comfortable.

So I think there is a few things you need to weigh up.

As a PP said, you might not want to live that busy London life forever. It will soon get tiring the older you get, and friends will start to have children/settle and move on.

You need to decide if you're truly fulfilled and happy without children, or if there is a space for a little person in your heart.

Remember life doesn't stop when you have children.

Xx

We weren't on the fence, we were definitely never having a child. And then DD turned up anyway.

She's 14 now and I wouldn't change anything about my life, she has always been very much wanted and loved.

However, if I could go back in time, I still wouldn't have a child. I think the future is going to be very rough for humanity, and I worry that my DD (along with everyone elses) is going to have a hard time later on in life.

I desperately wanted DC but it is hugely more difficult than I realised.

I would recommend it but only if you have a supportive network of (ideally) family and money. It is better if you can take breaks and spend money to keep it all under control (cleaner, big enough house etc).

I don’t regret it, no. If you’d asked me when DS was a tiny baby, I 100% regretted it and would have gone back in time in a heartbeat. But as he’s grown up and changed from a wailing little ball of neediness to a gorgeous, independent little human I’ve found the the dust really has settled. I’ve gone back to work and DH and I have adapted to the fact life looks very different to how it once did. Don’t get me wrong. I still really miss spontaneous weekends in the city or packing up the car to go hiking and camping last minute. But not enough to ever think DS wasn’t worth it. It’s okay though to not want to take the chance - my life would have been equally fantastic and a whole bunch easier if we hadn’t had DS.

This is what I love though
I had mine at 34 after living a full life and now I’m 40 enjoying motherhood

drawback being I’d love another but seems I’m past it unfortunately and regret not settling down sooner

but being this age with a child is delightful. Kind of keeps me young and has motivated me to stay fit and healthy

gave me a new lease of life

We're in a real mixed friends group, we have young kids, as do two other couples but we also have two in the mix who don't have kids and never want them. Seeing both lifestyles I would honestly say there is much to enjoy in both.

Kids are incredibly hard work and do limit your life significantly for a while. I mostly chose to have them because I felt long-term it would give me more of a focus/purpose in life, which I was looking for (don't particularly care about career or have a significant hobby) and I realised I wanted that family circle when I grow old.

I think it's worth thinking what you would do with your life/time if you didn't have kids. For example, do you spend loads of time doing a particular activity, do you love travelling etc? Then decide if you could still do that with kids, and if not, would you rather have kids then do those things all the time.

Having kids is slowly becoming less of the default option, and I think that's really good. It's hard. It's also rewarding, but no one should have kids because they are expected to. It's far too all-consuming for that.

I was very on the fence, and so was DH, but I got to 37 and realised it was now or never so we had DD who is now 2. Even though I didn't particularly want a baby at that point in time I knew I would regret not even trying. It has been incredibly hard in some ways - lack of sleep, the strain on our relationship, the relentlessness of having a small person to keep alive all day every day - but I don't regret it at all because she is so amazing. I think it helps not having the rose tinted glasses, I never liked babies and was expecting the early years to be utter hell but they haven't been nearly as bad as I thought they might be. I did underestimate how hard it would be not having family close by.

We used to go out a lot, fancy restaurants, travel etc but we still eat out and go away when we can, even if it's not quite the same as it was before. I'm still on the fence about having a second though...

DH married me knowing I never wanted children. Three years into marriage, I changed my mind and we had DD. Never regretted it. It's different to having other people's children around you. Just wish we managed to have another.

As children get older, you get more freedom. DD is 20 now and we've had a few years where we haven't had to worry about childcare, the last three years we've had the holiday we want together, as she wants to go on holiday with friends. Any changes, aren't forever.

My BIL never wanted children as he was well off and able to enjoy expensive holidays abroad regularly, going out. Then he met his current wife who's 15 years younger than him. They left it ten years so they could enjoy the lifestyle together and had two children. You should see him now, the children are his life, sat on his lap, playing games with him, they've taken them to Centreparcs this week and apparently BIL is loving it.