To those of you who had DC after being on the fence… do you regret it?

[Neomsunset]

DH and I are both 30 and it’s getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we’d like to have children, due to the fact I can’t conceive naturally and will require IVF.

At the moment we are professionals living in London and very much living the city life, out most weekend doing social things, dinners out, spontaneous holidays. All of our friends are also child free, but all plan to have kids in the next 5 years.

I spend a fair bit of time with my sister’s DCs and whilst they are a delight, I’m very happy to hand them back at the end of the day! I think we would both very much miss our child free lives at the moment but at the same time, I’m not sure I can imagine being child free forever and I don’t want to make a choice I could regret later down the line when it’s too late!

Would love to hear from others in a similar situation as to what you decided and whether you have any regrets.

This is me. Dh wanted kids more than I did. I am glad I have my two but it has meant that I had to work very hard, no money, no sleep, no me time for many many years. They are teenagers and I am still exhausted.

After a while, Stockholm syndrome sets in and it's ok. It's your life now, they did not ask to be born, you do your best for them. We are a family, so that's complete. Life has purpose (I won't say 'meaning' because that is somewhat offensive to people who are child free).

'Purpose' because doing the best by my dcs drives almost everything I do now. If I did not have dcs, I would have retired earlier, taken a back seat at work and probably had more holidays. Instead, I went pt and then fired up again ft to climb the career ladder, get promotions, more pay so I can earn more for the family. Finances are geared to the dcs. I tried much much harder and achieved more because I have dcs. It is no longer just my life. Appreciate that is not everyone's cup of tea.

OP I'm in a similar boat. Happily married, don't know if we want kids, time not on our side. We decided to freeze embryos and then at least if we change our mind in 5 years we will have less regrets. For me personally IVF has been a doddle. I might have just gotten very lucky with the drugs and the way my body reacts to them but I also think not being so emotionally vested in the outcome means it's a lot easier than one might expect. Happy to discuss by PM.

I was on the fence (probably more on the not having them truth be told). Don’t regret it at all. I also travelled the world and did lots of thing I wanted to do before I had DD so I don’t feel like I’m missing out on any life experiences either.

The way you've framed the question in the thread title is interesting because you've basically only asked to hear from those who went ahead and had kids - not the people who were on the fence and decided not to. Not a criticism by any stretch (I put a very similar thread up a few years ago!) but I wonder if it is telling of which way you think you are leaning?

I was pretty sure I didn't want babies but at 34 changed my mind. No regrets. It has been a joy to watch them grow up . I made lots of friends in the process.

My friend who hasn't had children always says she is glad she didn't. I sometimes envy her lifestyle but I suppose the grass is always geeener in the other side of the fence.

I had children because I felt like that's what women do. I don't like the word regret but if I had my time again, I would not have children

I had my DD in my 40s. Not through choice but I do think it was easier as I'd done everything I wanted to do and didn't feel I was giving anything up. It just sounds like you're not ready yet. And that's ok. In a couple of years time when all your friends are having babies things will change. When you see your friends having a family you'll know whether you want it or not.

I wasn't on the fence, I always desperately wanted DC but it has been so much harder than I thought. Spending time with other people's kids can't prepare you for the relentlessness of having your own. The tiredness, the worry, the mess, the noise, the guilt...it's endless. I wouldn't use the word regret exactly, because once they're here you love them and the thought of anything happening to them is unbearable. But I often find myself fantasising about a different sort of life, and if I could go back in time to before I had them I don't know that I'd make the same decision.

I don't regret it for a second it's so much easier and more full of joy than I ever expected. Make sure you're married to the right person who does 50-50 and it'll be amazing.

I wasn't on the fence. I didn't want children, very clearly didn't want them. DH and I had that discussion before we got married and he agreed to no children although he wanted them.

I changed my mind when I was 34. Thought about it for a bit to be sure I was sure, then we talked about it. I was lucky to conceive easily and was late 30s when DD was born. We've just had the one.

Absolutely zero regrets. Even when she's driving me nuts (she's a teenager, it's what she's there for) I love her to bits, I'm outrageously proud of her and she's changed our family for the better. Some of the fun stuff we did before her we do again now, some we can't and some we've grown out of! She does quite a lot of it with us.

Never, never, never regretted it for a second. We were on the fence and would have happily continued as a childless couple until I lost my job and we thought, well, maybe a good time to have a child (no money worries). Now of course, I would die for DS in a heartbeat; he fills my heart with such joy and gives my life such colour. (I’m still happily married to his DF by the way so its not transference).

OP - I think a good insight into how you’re feeling is your gut reaction to this thread.

Are you reading the replies that says it great as reassurance to go ahead? Or, are you focusing on the ones that say it’s terrible as ‘permission’ to not.

If someone said you can’t have kids, would you feel relieved or disappointed.

My nanny was always very open about regretting having children but we we all absolutely adored I never once thought she resented us everything was about her children and grandchildren we were central to her world. I’ve always known I wanted children but understand where she is coming from

one thing she did say that I feel is absolutely true from the moment you find out you’re pregnant your life isn’t your own anymore. It’s true (well if you are a good parent) some are happy with that others not but the love can still be there but your life isn’t your own and that is a choice you need to make

My DD was unplanned , I love her very much , I do miss my freedom sometimes but she's lovely so that makes up for it. She's just spent the week at her grandparents so I do get some child free time , the love I feel for her definitely makes up for everything.

No. Had twins when I was 33.

Although I do love my children very much if I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have had them.

Some times I feel like I’m living a life sentence and I’m counting down until they are all grown up and I can have a life again. I think I am honestly too selfish. I’m divorced so have every other weekend to myself and the children are teens so able to be left alone for a few hours or so but at times it still feels like they are sucking me dry with all their wants and needs and I very often find myself wishing they would just sod off and leave me alone.

Yes there have been many, many happy times and like I say I do love them and I would die for them but in all honesty I think my life would have been generally happier without them.

DH and I always wanted kids but actually as we settled into married life we decided we didn't want the hassle 🤣

We still have time to change our minds and we may do, but I'm glad we didn't have kids when we both wanted them, as our lives are very different now and I love the freedom and independence that we have.

I got to age 30 with no desire or inclination for DC, but always knew that DH wanted at least one. We got married on the understanding that it could go either way. As it happened, DS was born within the year and whilst I wouldn’t say I regret him I don’t enjoy the experience of being a parent and wouldn’t have any more DC. Neither of us are naturals at it and so it’s constantly hard work, both physically and mentally, to keep up with what DS needs from us and feel like we’re not failing at parenting him.

Of course, parenting also comes with lots of lovely moments too and I do enjoy seeing him grow and develop. But if I had my time again, which I consider a bit different to full-on regret, then I’d probably stay child free.

We had Dd late as now or never and DH had always wanted kids. It’s complicated really, now she’s here I would 100% without question die for her. Pretty much every choice I make is with her at the forefront of my mind. I do love her more than anything else in the world.

I also do not enjoy parenting, I am constantly tired, there is little room for myself anymore in my life. We have no family near by so the time we get together is time booked off work while DD is in nursery. I’m simultaneously looking forward to her leaving home one day and dreading it. I know that I will never be completely at ease ever again, I will never ever not worry about her. It’s been described as walking around with your heart outside your body and it’s true for me.

Regret is not the right word for me, if you said to me you can go back in time and not do it I couldn’t possibly choose that. But I do think I would have been happier and more content if I hadn’t.

It's good you're thinking about this seriously as its a big decision. All I can say is life would be VERY different if you have children. You'd most definitely have to stop socialising as much (although not completely), it would probably put some stress on your relationship during the early years simply because you'd both be knackered and would have lost a lot of freedoms so inevitably couples take it out on each other. You'd go from spending a lot of time in bars etc to spending time at baby and toddler groups, children's farms, soft play, children's parties. I remember cringing sometimes whilst spending a morning singing nursery rhymes with lots of other toddlers. Sooo not my scene! However I don't want to put you off as although it's a very different life it's also a lovely life. Full of love, sweet moments, fulfilment. My life now has focus in a way it never did before. I would say just write off the first few years of looking after a baby/toddler. Those years do have many wonderful and lovely moments but if I'm honest I found them relentless, tough and exhausting and I definitely had to put my own life and interests on hold. As children get older I've found it becomes so much easier. They go to school, they can play independently - it's no longer such a slog. My children are 9 and 11 and I'd say its pretty easy now although I'm very aware the teenage years are looming. As they've got older I've gradually clawed my life back over the years. I can now do whatever I want - I see friends a lot, I pursue my interests, I go to gigs. I very much feel like me again whereas for the first few years I lost myself. My post might sound negative but I just wanted to point out how tough it can be at first. Obviously not for everyone - many people adore the baby and toddler stage. I certainly don't regret it. Having children and creating our own family is the best thing I've ever done. It's made me much happier, it genuinely has. I was like you - my life was all avout my social life, going out and seeing friends. However you do tend to slow down in your 40s. There's no way I'd want the life I used to have now. I just don't have the social energy I used to have - and that's nothing to do with kids! It's just a batursal change.

I wasn't on the fence; I was desperate for a baby but I was not prepared for how my life would change and how unhappy I'd be. Goes without saying I love my child and would die for her but I do not enjoy parenting. It's utterly relentless and you never ever stop worrying. She's four and I still worry about her suffocating in her sleep but also that she will be raped on a night out in 15 years time.

If you said to me "push this button and it will take you back to the night she was conceived and you can undo it" I would but push the button but if I'd known in advance what parenting is actually like I don't think I'd have done it. I think I'd have been happier child free. The poster who said it's like walking around with your heart outside your body was spot on. It's already easier at four than it was at any previous stage but I know I'll never be free. Oh and it's ruined my looks

Oh and it's ruined my looks. My hair has never quite grown back to its pre pregnancy glory and I just feel I look crap now. Old and tjred. Maybe I'm shallow but it makes me want to cry seeing pics of myself before I had her.

People are being really honest here about the realities and relentlessness of parenting and it's very refreshing for these feelings to be shared so honestly. I would also add that the pressure of working and parenting can make life especially miserable for mums...constantly organising and reorganising logistics on top of everything else

To state the obvious, kids are for life.

Don't judge having children by how they affect your life when they are babies. I had horrendous sleepers, non-self-entertaining babies, just terrible. But you come out of that stage - which seems endless when you are in it but in hindsight is a blink of an eye. Now it is much easier but with different challenges.

Most people has a preferred age at which they enjoy children the best. I prefer it when I can interact intellectually when they can talk and are funny. Now as teenagers, they are clever and funny. Don't let nappies and broken sleep put you off. That is only a small fragment of the time with your children.

Having kids will in all likelihood have an effect, usually detrimental, on your career progression, unless you DH is going to be a house husband or you have a lot of family support with childcare. So think about that.

You may have to/want to go pt or change career to more family friendly hours. Or you may not. But it will generally be difficult to continue to go full tilt at your career. I wanted to step off that career escalator anyway when I had my first child and so I was prepared for it. But it was still harder than I thought.

How important is your city life, because having children is such a change and most of that finishes. Maybe look at friends who've made the leap. They're probably living in the suburbs now and juggling children and jobs, with no time for a social life. Of course it gets easier as they get older but early years are stressful. Balance this against whether you really have that desire for children. They need to much love, time and support, it may not be for you. Also when you are much older it's lovely to have adult children and grandchildren, but if that's not your idea of fun and you're rather be off on safari, then stay childless. It's always possible to have IVF but keep the embryos frozen for a few years?