To those of you who had DC after being on the fence… do you regret it?

[Neomsunset]

DH and I are both 30 and it’s getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we’d like to have children, due to the fact I can’t conceive naturally and will require IVF.

At the moment we are professionals living in London and very much living the city life, out most weekend doing social things, dinners out, spontaneous holidays. All of our friends are also child free, but all plan to have kids in the next 5 years.

I spend a fair bit of time with my sister’s DCs and whilst they are a delight, I’m very happy to hand them back at the end of the day! I think we would both very much miss our child free lives at the moment but at the same time, I’m not sure I can imagine being child free forever and I don’t want to make a choice I could regret later down the line when it’s too late!

Would love to hear from others in a similar situation as to what you decided and whether you have any regrets.

Only do it if you want it.
I was ambivalent. Then DH and I made a firm decision against having kids. Once that decision was made I realised it was a mistake. Had some very telling dreams and realised that it was something I wanted after all.
It's not better or worse having kids or not; it's just different.
But kids are very hard work and they totally upend your life and priorities. So only have them if you actually want them.

To answer your question, no I don't regret it. I love our family. But the challenges have been off the scale at times.

If you know you need IVF, it might be worth doing the IVF sooner rather than later to make hopefully a number of potentially viable embryos, but not have any implanted now. Frozen cycles (FET) now actually have a higher success rate, so you could take the advantage of your relative youth, but then hold off implantation until say 35 if that is when you feel more ready. It is the age that the embryos were created that is key.

I am currently pregnant after a FET cycle at 38 and glad my eggs were from when I was 35 (I also have a DS from a successful FET at the time) - it improved my chances of high quality embryos and reduces the risk of abnormalities/Downs etc

I was in exactly your situation. I decided that I didn't want IVF, and was willing to give up having a family, as I wasn't sure I wanted one and was willing to consider adoption in due course.

I got pg naturally (many years later) and it is the best thing that ever happened to us. Our kids have given us nothing but joy, and a level of meaning that we never imagined we could have in life.

I think the fact that we never expected to have them and therefore did not have any expectations of what it would be like contributed very greatly to us enjoying it so much, though. Many of my friends who wanted dc more than anything found the whole experience very disappointing, some have said if they'd known then what they know now they would never have had them.

I am also blessed with very easygoing dc and the world's most supportive husband, which makes a huge difference.

I was unsure. Took the plunge. Best thing I ever did! Definitely would have regretted missing this chance.

A few have said theirs are good sleepers.... my 5 yo was an awful sleeper yet she is the love of my life.

I always wanted children and had her at 32. It was hard for a while, I regretted my decision, I cried a lot but after I got past those few months it was amazing. My life is fulfilled by having a child. We are lucky that we have a whole bunch of family members who babysit (we also babysit theirs) and we’ve been abroad without her on two occasions, once to the states for a wedding (although easier when slightly younger, not sure how she’d be now she’s older and a proper mummy’s girl!).

Just to add a different angle though, we’re a few weeks in with baby DD (I’m now closer to 40!) and I’m sort of back to some of the ‘WTF have I done’ thoughts as I was so used to my easy, fairly self sufficient DD5. But that’s the thing, the older they get their needs change and I’m an older kid mum for sure.

I know now all the shitty stuff is temporary this time though.

I don’t regret my children, but I miss my childfree life a lot and I know I would have been very happy without children. I miss my hobbies, downtime, occasional laziness, freedom.

Basically how much do you like your partner and is he a good human? Because if you have kids you will be stuck with him in one form or another for the rest of your life.

Being childfree is fine. It's not embarassing or sad. You don't miss out, you get other opportunities. I've known people who were neutral either way & happy enough with how their situation panned out.

Sometimes I regret having DC because I wasn't a very good parent. I didn't appreciate what a burden mother's guilt is. Or how much having children would destroy my sleep. Actually my best advice is to stay the heck off of MN if you do ever have kids, this place pours salt into the wounds of parental guilt.

I think you really need to think about the long term - how will life look, with and without kids in the next ten, twenty, thirty years? We are early forties and knew we didn't want children - however we moved away from city life in mid thirties and were happy with the slower pace even without the distraction of the city. We had both grown up with families that weren't geographically close which meant neither of us are used to seeing family regularly and were ok with growing older without having regular family get togethers. We're happy as two + pets and seeing friends.

I have some friends who are a similar age and don't have children (I don't know the reasons and obviously wouldn't ask) One couple do seem to struggle a bit with being in a bit of rut, frustrated at people who aren't free to meet up, trying hobbies and not sticking to them etc. I think looking ahead is really key.

Good piece of advice I saw on this very topic..
Picture what you DO want to do with your life... travel, work, whatever.. and then consider if you want to do that with a child or children in tow. .
Whichever way you decide to go, you can have a fab life.
It's difficult to commit one way or the other when you're not sure.

My child free aunt and uncle did very well in their careers and are now retired with good incomes. They have always gone on 6 or 8 exciting sounding holidays a year and even more now that they are retired.

They have a lovely house and garden in Surrey and seem to enjoy their lifestyle very much. They seem very happy and fulfilled in their lives. 20% of UK women over 45 are now child free so there are plenty of people without kids to socialise with these days.

I was firmly camp “Probably not” and so was DH. Had a half hearted try when I turned 40 (DH 45) and now have DD who is almost 3.
absolutely bloody love it. I have sobbed a few times because I can’t believe I nearly didn’t have her. I was such a knob.

I felt sure I would regret it alot if I got to my mid forties and hadn't had any.

So we had three, third not planned!

Glad we did, hard as its been.

I never wanted children, but I had 2 because I felt I ‘should’.

i love my children. But I struggle daily with them. I had horrendous pnd with both of them, and am still on anti-depressants 6 years on. Everyday is hard, I cry a lot, and hate myself a lot. The parent guilt, the utter exhaustion, the lack of living my own life. It’s draining, and I wish it was different.

But I love my children, I would do absolutely anything for them and to make them happy, and I am so proud of them.

But.
I probably should never have had children. But I did. And I try to do my best.

'As a PP said, you might not want to live that busy London life forever'

And you don't have to do it forever! Your life will change, your priorities and motivations will change, you will find new interests and meet new people - kids or no kids. Lots of parents seem to think that if you don't have kids, you are stuck at age 25 or 30 or whatever til the end of time. I'm 42, no kids after years of being highly ambivalent, and I'm certainly not stuck doing the same old stuff as when I was 30. Life has changed, I go out less, drink less, have new hobbies and am probably more 'boring' but more fulfilled. So please don't consider having kids because you may get bored with life as it is - you can change your life in all sorts of ways when you want to

We left it as late as possible because we were just getting on with our careers. Could easily have missed the child boat! Then my husband woke up one morning in our late 30s and said "I want a baby"! I was a bit surprised and didn't take it seriously but it seemed he was serious. So we just did away with the contraception and left it to chance. A couple of early miscarriages cemented the idea that we did after all want a baby! So we had the first when I was 39 and then the second at 42. Loved every minute and I never imagined I was in the least maternal! It brings a whole new dimension to life. I'm so glad we didn't miss the opportunity. Your own children are completely different to anyone else's. I now think later life would be completely meaningless without children.

I had mine at 35 and 37, same feelings as you beforehand but wouldn’t change things now. Your priorities change and yes I do miss the freedom of our childfree life but the love I feel for my children trumps it all.

No regret at all, despite being convinced even on the day of birth of my firstborn that I was ruining my life.

I'm still on the fence 😂
I have a 26 yr old a 24yr old a 22yr old and an 18 yr old!
You will never have your own time or money again. It's just a different way of life. We still have 3 of the 4 living at home. I crave solitude, my home is always full of people and the fridge is emptied the moment I fill it. I am always in the wrong, they are always right. It is assumed the parent pays for everything whatever the age.
I love them dearly, however I would love a year off.

I didn't really want children and was married for 10 years before husband had some kind of midlife crisis and decided he wanted them after all. We agreed on just the one.

I don't regret it but I do miss aspects of my child free life. It's really fucking hard even with a partner who takes the load 50/50.

On balance we made the right decision but I'd have been happy without as well. It's just a different kind of life.

I think if you're unsure spend more time with your nieces and nephews have them for a weekend spend as much time as you can with them and see how you feel?. Parenting is relentless, tiring and demanding as well as rewarding but you will never get a break or extended time away for a long time so it's worth as others have said going into it with your eyes as wide open as you can...you have to get used to not having autonomy and freedom and put your own needs aside at least for the first 2yrs...be prepared to mourn the life you currently have as you won't be able to go out as easily and much of your focus will revolve around your child

I was very much on the fence, and spent my first pregnancy in total denial about what was about to happen to me.

I now have two and they are my absolute world. Travelling is a whole different experience but in an amazing way, seeing how they experience new things is a complete joy.

That said, I think I would have continued to enjoy my life if I hadn’t had them.

Yes.
Don't do it unless you are 100 percent sure, and even then happiness is not at all guaranteed.

@lljkk

Words of wisdom. So glad I was never on here when kids were small, I'd probably have done away with myself.