To those of you who had DC after being on the fence… do you regret it?

[Neomsunset]

DH and I are both 30 and it’s getting to the stage where we need to make a decision as to whether we’d like to have children, due to the fact I can’t conceive naturally and will require IVF.

At the moment we are professionals living in London and very much living the city life, out most weekend doing social things, dinners out, spontaneous holidays. All of our friends are also child free, but all plan to have kids in the next 5 years.

I spend a fair bit of time with my sister’s DCs and whilst they are a delight, I’m very happy to hand them back at the end of the day! I think we would both very much miss our child free lives at the moment but at the same time, I’m not sure I can imagine being child free forever and I don’t want to make a choice I could regret later down the line when it’s too late!

Would love to hear from others in a similar situation as to what you decided and whether you have any regrets.

There is an awful lot to be said for having a carefree child free life. I would worry if my life partner became ill and died and I wouldn't have children to comfort me and I would ultimately be alone

Yes really consider this, it’s OK for you to not have kids.

🙄

It is a factor as well that you can't pick the child you get. A crude metaphor, but it's not like adopting a puppy, where if they turn out to be very reactive or aggressive or just bring you far more stress than joy, there is always the option of returning to the breeder or asking a rescue for help. Are you prepared that the child you have may be a bad sleeper or have terrible tantrums for years, may be a child with anxiety, or autism, or a physical disability, or with special educational needs, or any one of 101 different challenges that people don't usually plan for when they imagine a "perfect" life of having a child? Even a child with a life-limiting condition.

Some people think about having children and they think about having a baby - and never really get to the thinking about having a toddler, or having a seven year old, or having a 15 year old. You are still a parent when they are 23 and working as an accountant in a city 200 miles away; you would still worry about them, and likely be on the end of a phone for sudden calls about help mum X has happened. It is a life-long commitment of love and worry.

Weighing it up, as someone without kids, I'd say it's less painful to look back on life and regret that you didn't have a child than to look back and regret that you did have them, when those kids didn't ask for that.

Children are incredibly hard work and expensive, not just in monetary terms but on your freedom, your body, mental health etc. in my opinion you need to desperately want them.

(Which I did, I have 3, but my god it's been hard in so many ways, and far from over!)

Yes to "off the scale!!!" That's about right.

I was on the fence right through my twenties. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I did want them, but I wanted to have them with DH, specifically, rather than wanting them in the abstract. We have 2 and I actually found myself considering a 3rd, although on balance I think we were right to stop at 2.

I don't regret them, they're awesome, but there were some hard times in the baby and toddler years, and I'm still not a "natural" earth mother who adores nothing more than changing nappies and wiping noses. I need to work and have time for me. I think there is probably a parallel universe in which I happily didn't have kids. But I do adore them and there is something very special about sharing that with DH.

@LarryBlackmonsCodpiece I think there is a truth to this. The great thing about children is the flip side of their relentlessness; no matter what else is happening, I have a powerful reason to get up in the morning, get them breakfast, take care of them, keep going. I actually feel that post DC my mental health is better, because I no longer have time to ruminate or doubt my own worth.

I initially refused on the basis that we'd have to sacrifice our lifestyle to pay for childcare and I am also not maternal. Something happened to change my mind.

However, they're not just "kids" when they come out of your body. I promise you. Your own kids are fascinating. It is a wonderful feeling to recreate the best bits of your childhood and give your own kids the things your own parents could not.

Everyone else's kids are boring though.

Such a hard situation and decision to make! I agree with PP who said it's a lot easier with a support network. Having a baby/toddler is wonderful but also intense and relentless. A loving grandparent living nearby would make a big difference to your experience of parenthood (or financial means to hire a cleaner/nanny etc).

Another thing to remember is that you have your whole life ahead of you and the baby/toddler years are a small percentage of your marriage. Yes, you'll lose the option to spontaneously go out/away but you will still socialise. For example, you probably won't go out in London for dinner but you will have friends over for a takeaway while your children are in bed - and if your friends have kids, you'll be socialising this way whether or not you do! As they grow up you'll gradually get more personal time/independence back. You'll still have your holidays and for example an 8 year old will probably make a friend and you can relax on a sunlounger with a cocktail watching them play football. It's not going to be one long slog for the next 18 years!

I was always on the fence about having children. I was never very maternal. Having a baby was not something that was important to me. I didn't meet DH until I was 37. We got married when I was 39. Fell pregnant at 41.

In my 30s I was used to doing what I wanted to do. I had my own flat etc.

When I found out I was pregnant I can't say that I was excited or overjoyed. I was still very much on the fence about it all. We had DC (now 4) and that first year hit me so hard. It was such a shock. I felt like I'd become lost / lost my identity etc. When people told me it will get easier, I didn't believe them. I thought what have I done! I ended up with PND as I was not prepared for motherhood.

Fast forward to now. DC is a lively 4 year old. No regrets and hand on heart one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

Go into it with your eyes open, understand that you will have to make sacrifices and life won't be how you currently know it, but you adapt. Life can be full of regrets...

This is very true indeed. You just don't know what child you'll get. My first was a nightmare as a baby but since the age of 2 (now 11) has been an absolute joy. She is positive, happy and just seems to sail through life. She's a remarkable child and parenting her is a piece of cake. My second was a dream baby but since then has been challenging. He's the opposite of his sister. He's always been very neurotic, anxious and sensitive (despite having exactly the same upbringing as his sister). Don't get me wrong - it's not all bad. He's extremely loving and funny and can be just wonderful company. I can't put in to words how much I love him. However because he struggled with life, a lot of his anxiety is expressed as anger and meltdowns. I do feel that having him has aged me! He can turn the most simple things in to absolute nightmares. I don't regret him though - we're extremely close and actually have a lot more in common than me and my daughter.

I now think later life would be completely meaningless without children

Seriously? 🙄

Life is not meaningless without children. There are no guarantees your children will be there for you in later life or that you will live till later life.

Have a look at all the nursing homes where the children don't visit.

It's far too early to know long term as my baby is 5 days old but currently as someone who was never interested in having kids I'm astounded by how much I love this squirming thing on my lap.

I also have known fertility issues which was probably part of why I was ambivalent towards having children, self protection. Anyway I had the IVF and gave birth at the age of 41.

There will be aspects of your current life you can do as a family and enjoy eg my 6yo is now quite a lovely dinner companion (my 3yo is not there yet) but we had a lovely day in London where we went for brunch, pottered around the river, went to a museum etc. The years where it is very intense (and expensive) go relatively quickly but they do change you. One of the biggest factors on your likely freedom or not is access to family childcare. We don’t live near our parents so do feel the difference compared to friends with parents locally.

I have a close relation that went through similar. Carefree globe trotting life, then IVF and desperation for a baby, then the baby came and it was like a bomb went off, literally the day the baby was born. She had to be coaxed to bond with the baby. She had severe PND. She completely underestimated the magnitude of motherhood, the chemicals, the bonding, the relentlessness. She's still recovering and the baby is a toddler now.

I had a similar life to you op - London life, out a lot, lots of child free friends. Had dc in late 30's.
It's been amazing. We still go out with friends, but not often together. We go out as a family and have travelled a lot with them.
Only one regret. I wish I had them earlier.

I lived a 'party animal' lifestyle in my twenties and in the first few years of being with my partner. Lots of fancy restaurants, nights out and gigs. I loved it and couldn't see it changing. I would have been ok with remaining childfree.

I got pregnant quickly aged 32. Text book pregnancy, no issues. Then DD arrived. No-one ever told me how hard having a baby is. I got post partum psychosis and had lingering PND. I only felt myself after 3 years.

I remember looking at my new born baby thinking - 'This is so shit, why does no one tell you how awful it is! My life will never be the same again'. However, I guess this is quite extreme.
Anyway, we had a couple of tough years but came out the other side. Now at 4 and a half she is my best little mate, I'd never be without her and she has brought me so much love.
With a child, life will be very different but it gets easier as the years pass.
Considering everything, even the dark times, I believe having a child was worth it for me.
As pp's have said I think you need to weigh up pros and cons. Picture what you would like your life to be like. Be prepared for a couple of years where you may find it tricky (baby and toddler stage) but get through that and you have a child to enjoy for the years to come. Thankfully, they grow up! 😊
By the way, if you have a supportive, helpful partner and family who are interested it will probably be easier (I don't, so will be sticking with one).

Thanks so much everyone, super insightful and definitely good for thought over the next few months!

I now think later life would be completely meaningless without children

Maybe wait till you get there before deciding that quite so firmly. Your children might move away, immigrate, be busy with their own lives, and how will you feel then if you've pinned the meaning of existence on them?

I was on the fence my entire life, probably leaning more towards the childfree side the older I got. I’m 37 and my husband is 44. In 2020 we found out he had a brain tumour and his first thought (which surprised him) was “what a shame I never had a child”. Fast forward to now - he has had surgery and treatment, recovered, and we have a 15 week old baby girl.

Have I had moments of wtf have I done? God yes. I miss the freedom I used to have, I miss my fitness level, I miss sleeping in, I miss my old life! I have felt regret sometimes when it’s really hard. I’m also not maternal and I detested being pregnant. BUT when she smiles at me it’s brilliant. I love seeing her develop. I’m not a baby person at all, barely even held one before I had one, but I do enjoy spending time with her. I especially love seeing my husband being a dad. He absolutely adores her and it’s lovely. At the moment we are still managing to go on hikes, go camping, go to gigs/weddings/the pub 😂, as she’s quite portable and we’ve done it since she was born so she’s used to it.

We both admit we miss our old life however life hasn’t been quite the same since the tumour anyway and with foreign travel the way it is right now/cost of living increases it’s highly likely we wouldn’t be living that same life now regardless of the baby. I think I would have been happy had we not had her, but it would have been a different kind of happy.

I will say though - we are definitely only having one 😂 also, we truly are 50/50 and give each other space to do our own thing - last weekend I went to a gig with a friend, a couple of weekends ago I went out for bottomless brunch…my life isn’t “over” just because I had a baby - because I had one with a man that loves being a dad and is very hands on. I don’t think I’d cope if he was shit and I had to do everything. (In fact I know I wouldn’t and I’d probably have a lot more regret)

There's a big difference between having kids with financial security and a wider support network - compared with financial worries, no family to help and a partner who becomes disinterested in being a parent....

Will you continue working? If so, do you have a job that you could leave on the dot at, say, 4.45pm every day to do the nursery pick up?
Or would your partner do it?
Or do you have family to help?
Or will you rely financially on your partner and hope to get back into work several years later? Will it be reasonably paid work?
Will you need a bigger home and if so could you afford it? Will it mean moving area and away from friends/family? Will it mean giving up your job?
If you had to go it alone, would you have other people to help, both financially and for childcare?

Sure you'll miss eating out, holidays etc and sure when the kids are older you get some of that freedom back but its the bigger issues that will determine whether you regret having children or not.

Long term financial security and independence is hugely important, particularly for women, who are currently far more likely to live in poverty than men.

I now think later life would be completely meaningless without children.

You mean that your later life would be completely meaningless without children? That’s fine, if a bit sad, but don’t assume other people feel the same.

Totally agree with posters who say not to think too much about when children are babies & toddlers. That is such a small fraction of time. The teenage/young adult years are much longer and they will still need your support then particularly financially.
So many people fret over whether they can afford another baby but the question should really be can you afford another young adult.

When they get to teenage years (and often before depending on age gaps between kids etc) you will get your time back for hobbies/socialising but you will have less money for yourself. Is having these extra people in your life worth it? Not to mention the anxiety that kids bring which doesn’t lessen much in the teenage/young adult years although you do become used to living with a certain constant level of background anxiety for everything from their exam results to their mental health.
For me, it is worth it - I love hanging out with me teenager especially. He’s so much fun and gives me a different perspective on life and I’m happy to spend a sizeable percentage of my free time facilitating his interests - bringing him to sports matches, meet ups with friends etc.
But it’s not for everyone and I’m glad that it’s now acceptable to choose a child free life if that’s what you want.