The Guardian: A sex worker gave my autistic son the gift of confidence – and I organised the encounter

[YouAreNotBatman]

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/jul/30/a-sex-worker-gave-my-autistic-son-the-gift-of-confidence-and-i-organised-the-encounter#comments

Look at the comments, everyone saying she’s a lovely and a good mother.

I’m so tired of this.
Sex works is real work, have OF, be kinky - or you’re a prude, porn porn and even more porn, poor innocent men - they have to have sex with a woman or else….

Hiw can anyone think this is progressive?

This makes me so angry. I could never imagine taking my autistic son to visit a sex worker at my insistence. What the fuck is wrong with that woman.

I can't say I don't feel a degree of anger towards the sex worker too. An autistic teenage boy is so vulnerable. Just no. They should be so ashamed of themselves.

Actually one of the reasons I wouldn't get a manicure at the place most of my work colleagues used was because there was a possibility the staff their were trafficked. So I didn't get manicures.

If I had really wanted one I would have used a friend who I knew well enough to know she wasn't trafficked. The same with a cleaner etc.

So actually that is how I, and lots of people, operate in the real world.

Yes there are many layers to this. Is everything I buy absolutely not made in a sweatshop or include any slave labour abroad - I absolutely cannot answer than with certainty because every once in awhile there is a scandal that a previously 'ethical' sounding company was actually using sweat shops etc.

But the people I personally pay, I personally use their services, yep I absolutely know that they haven't been trafficked and I wouldn't sure their services if I had any doubt.

The article is grotesque.

The mother casually wonders if her son will be able to apply consent, has no thoughts around the fact that Anna is neurodiverse, and objectifies her by being delighted she doesn't have short hair and sensible shoes, but instead is a 'pre-raphaelite sylph'. Awful in so many ways.

@JudithHarper

Thats your argument?

Child labour exists so it's OK to exploit sex workers too?

@Topgub

You say that it isn't a service but you don't explain why not. To me there's no fundamental difference between getting someone to do your nails or to get you off. One person states their need, the other their price, and if both agree let the service commence.

We can agree to disagree on what constitutes high probability of consent, but does it even matter? What if you knew 100% that a certain SW went into that line of work of their own volition, and there is nobody coercing them, would you be okay with engaging her services?

What's wrong with having the right to buy something that's for sale? That isn't the same as being entitled to that thing full stop. We have a right to buy steak, but nobody is entitled to a steak dinner. Entitlement means taking without permission, and indeed as you've pointed out some men do feel entitled, therefore they rape. And shame on them. But I'd argue that paying for something is the direct opposite of that entitlement.

Oh I'm glad to see the choicy cool girls are out. Pick me boys, I'm cool, it's totally fine to buy consent. Embarrassing.

The way she talks about women herself is icky - sensible shoes and short haircuts! She's warming up an incel there.

Brothels ect. are legal in Aus. where the mother is: www.catwa.org.au/prostitution-laws-in-each-state/#:~:text=Prostitution%20was%20decriminalised%20in%201992,the%20Office%20of%20Regulatory%20Services.

You are right, absolutely and in fact I have just done another post about how although I am personally aware that people I deal with directly for their services are not trafficked I cannot say the same of buying things indirectly.

But:

a. I frequently donate to organisations trying to bring an end to these practices
b. I buy tech second hand and use it for far longer than a lot of people would, and use as little as possible e.g. I don;t have multiple devices, I don't have gaming devices etc
c. I don't believe that because I use a mobile phone that means that I am not allowed to be opposed to child slavery, trafficked women being forced to work as prostitutes etc.

Like I said its a very low bar. And it doesn't make it any better to say 'well if you use a phone then everything else has to be okay'. No, I am equally of the opinion (and put my money where my mouth is) that this is also a practice that should change.

@SaltFlakes

Then we view sex differently.

Its not the same as getting your nails done. I dont need to pretend it is.

It shouldn't be viewed as a valid way of making money even if the woman is actually consenting.

The female sex worker the mother paid was the very same one who was co-presenter of the webinar the mother attended. Have I read that right? Where do I start with how wrong the whole thing is? She's fallen for the sales patter hook, line and sinker. And the comments about the female sex worker. Yuck.

It's really weird too

like she thought very particular kind of person was the only person who would do this

definitely trying to actually make her son a problematic man.

I have autism (HF) I am married, but as a younger person forming relationships was hard, I was very lonely and feared that no one would ever love me. My siblings are NT and I watched them 'move on' and have families and a was really fearful that I would be left all alone after my parents died, as I would not have a family. I was close enough with my sister to tell her this and she asked a good friend of hers if he would 'take me out on some dates' so that I would feel comfortable and that I could practice what I might say. We did not have sex, but we did kiss at the end of one of our dates. It got my confidence up, so that when I started my Phd and my now husband, started chatting and flirting with me, I could recognise it and knew how to respond. I thank god every year that my sister and her friend helped me, I have a wonderful husband, 2 children and a family.

Would those of you with children with autism not want to help them if you could? You can disagree with the use of prostitutes (I do myself) but I don't think we can condemn a mother for helping her child and unfortunately she could not see another way. We need to ask what the alternative should be and how to support it.

I mean hairdressing and sex are very different

For one as a woman having sex with a man puts me in a vunerable position, men can be violent and overpower me. I am left alone with them compared to say a salon where there's lots of others around

If someone forced me to cut this strange man's nails it would be mildly unpleasanf, I'd feel very differently if I was forced to have sex them. Sex and giving a manicure are not the same thing.

And yes I avoid nail salons because there's a high rate of trafficking. I do my own nails.

Your points are completely valid, but there are other ways to enhance and build that confidence, and its along the lines of what your sister did

There are agencies who will match young people with disabilities, like dating agencies, its very supported and slow and takes into account a number of different needs.

Its the relationship building you needed rather than being flung into a room with a male prostitute for sex.

She's made his chances of having a decent, proper relationship in the future so much harder. I don't know any women who'd go near a man who'd used a prostitute. So now he has 2 massive barriers to overcome instead of 1.

Well I suppose the reality is that he is more than likely to also attract and be attracted to someone who has similar vulnerabilities to himself and that mighr result in her not feeling that she could challenge that or refuse to go out with him once she knows. She might feel thats all she is worth

But it's not just tech, is it?

Last time you went to the fish and chip shop, did you ever consider that someone had been trafficked to harvest the potatoes?

When you chose your wedding ring, did you give a second thought to the kid that was slaving a mile undergound in the diamond mine, chipping at the rocks with, at best, basic tools?

What about the clothes you are wearing? Have they all been made in the UK by hand or have they all been knocked together in a far-eastern sweat shop?

The whole of our cushy western lifestyle is built upon exploited people, both here in the UK and in far flung places.

I'm not saying it's right. Far from it. But getting all het up about a transaction that has no impact on you and that you are not personally involved in doesn't sit right when you ignore other examples of expolitation that DOES benefit you, either directly or indirectly.

“Beautiful - thank you for sharing. Everyone has a right to sexual fulfilment - the NDIS should include this without question. What a wonderful mother you are!“

A comment on the article.

Absolutley sickening.

@PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog but that is not the same as prostitution. Going for dinner and flirting are no where near the same as £1000 for 4 hrs of sex

Essentially that guy was just being a friend. It was not a business transaction. There was no incentive in it for him other than being nice

The equivalent would have been setting her son up on a date or taking him speed dating or something. Or even just meeting a girl in a friend situation. Not shopping for a prostitute

An absolutely grim article and the chorus of approving comments is also very disheartening. That lad could find a proper relationship one day and his well meaning idiot of a mother has just scuppered it. Women who have self-respect do not want to be with a man who uses prostituted women.

@Carrotzen

They are different in terms of risk amongst other factors, hence the vast difference in price. But they're not fundamentally different in terms of providing a service, in that you'd call hairdressing a service and SW 'buying someone'.

In that aspect they're both the same. One is a relatively risk free and not too icky service, and the other is much riskier and has a higher mental toll but a service nonetheless.

@Topgub
You're entitled to your opinion and you certainly are not obligated to explain the logic behind it. But please do recognise that simply asserting something doesn't in itself make it true. People usually explain the logic underlying their position.

@JudithHarper is your argument for prostitution that trafficking happens in other situations so we should just accept it?

Yes I am sure that no one is perfect ethically, and whilst many people try their best have used services that may have been involved in exploitation

But that doesn't mean we should just accept it? Or just ignore it when it happens. If I find our something is unethical I would stop buying it and try and pass on the information. Thats very different to proudly writing an article about how I was involved in exploitation of women