Is it too late? Is there anything I can do?

[SummerDays2020]

This is a very sensitive issue so I don't want to go into too much detail. If anyone can help it would be much appreciated and if there is another board that is good for this topic I'd be grateful to hear that too.

I support a young family member. She is a young mother. She lives in foster care in a mother and baby placement. I thought she was doing well. However, she told me she failed her 'parent assessment'. I was shocked as I can see her child has developed each time I see them. The child is very happy and smiley. I see the mum talking to her child, singing to her, cuddling her.

Things that have been brought up in the report I have never seen - they say the child's clothes do not fit. Every time I see the child they are in suitably sized clothes, mum sends me photos most days and child always well dressed and I also see SM photos. They say she doesn't encourage the child but again that is not my experience. I just don't understand. They also say the mum is regressive. I'm not quite sure what they are refering to or what the issue is. Is this enough for them to take the child away?

Mum is devestated. She was in foster care herself and lacked a mother as a role model. However, I honestly believe with some support she can be a very good mother to her child. She doesn't take drugs, she went out on her birthday and had a drink but doesn't usually go out, she doesn't shout or hit her child, she cooks her healthy meals, bathes her and puts her to bed and buys her toys appropriate to her age.

Is there anything I can offer to do that could help? How can I best support her? I'm worried sick.

^^ this

i take worth a pinch of salt anyone whinging about their experience with SS

or those that “know” loads of parents that are “great” but SS “have it in for them”.

Essentially I very much believe “no smoke without fire” when it comes to SS getting involved and I am hardly likely to read a post from someone who has had SS involvement and think they are presenting anything approaching an objective view on the matter!

With a parent that I was advocating for in a professional capacity.

I sat in on meetings they had with social workers and witnessed them being told about a specific course they MUST do in order to show they were cooperating to improve their parenting. I accompanied the parent to the premises they were told to attend to get information about the course and was present when the manager told us that the course did not exist. I was cc'd into the emails going to and from the social workers and the parent whereby the parent told the social workers that they had attended the premises and that the course was not one they had ever run. In these emails the parents requested suggestions for other courses and how to access them. I was also present during many phonecalls where the parent asked/begged social services to give them some indication of what they wanted them to do to show improvement.
Two months later the social services provided court with a Section 7 and it specifically said 'the parent refused to cooperate with social services and refused to take part in any parenting course'. This is just one example of the lying that occurred in many, many, many reports.
The parent began to suffer from heightened anxiety and had 5 panic attacks in 3 months. They had never suffered with anything like this before. Depression set in and they struggled on for months. They were too scared to go to the doctors for assistance or tell social workers they were now struggling because of the pressure as they were certain this would be held against them. I am certain it would.
This is an example of how social workers have actually caused mental health deterioration in a parent. This parent was still seeing their children 4 days per week so how has this helped them be a better parent?

So on the basis of ONE experience you have extrapolated that this happens many times to many parents?

@ticktickticktickBOOM as you say yourself you were advocating for the parent. Parents absolutely need advocates but the process of child protection should be focussed on the children. Many serious case reviews come back to the fact that the parent drew all the focus and support and the child or children were not centred in the process. Children don't always have the time it takes for a parent to sort themselves out or be given another chance.

This was just one example of many I have seen over the years.

As a social worker, there is a lot of incorrect information on this thread. If a Parenting Assessment has been complicated and she is in a mother and baby foster placement, the case is in the court arena not child protection so there will be no conference.

If the mother has failed the Parenting Assessment then that is not a good sign. My advice OP is to ask her to read it so you can fully understand the facts. I see time and time again that a family member becomes involved and they are outraged but they usually have a tiny fraction of the full picture because the parent has painted it in their favour.

A Parenting Assessment is a significant document that is used for court. It should detail the reasons why a child is in foster care and a chronology of events leading up to this. It will detail historic worries as well as current concerns. Obviously if there are positives then these will be recorded also. It will break down every aspect of the parents parenting capacity and analyse how and if a parent can meet the child’s needs. Generally this will take into account meeting basic care needs, providing stimulation and emotional warmth, the ability to keep the child safe (think environment as well as unsafe associates/partners). The ability to offer stability through consistent care. Also parenting techniques, daily routines, discipline, implementing boundaries etc. Any extra factors will also considered depending on the case such as parental mental health needs, self-care, lifestyle choices, substance misuse, parental trauma etc.

From what you have described OP, you have referenced that she leaves the child in her until lunch time, has criticisms of her appearance and the child is being left in soiled nappies. It’s difficult to comment as we haven’t seen the report. However, it’s unusual for appearance to be commented on unless the parent is lacking motivation to meet their own cleanliness and hygiene needs. If the child is staying in bed until lunch, is she being kept awake all night? Is her daily routine poor? Is the mother up all night and that is affecting the child’s routine? It’s difficult to say. In terms of the soiled nappies, it could well be that the foster carer is feeding back to the social worker concerns but not directly voicing them to the mother - it’s not professional but it does happen as they are afraid of creating tension. Has the mother been accessing support from any other workers? Health visitor? Family support worker? These are people who will also be visiting and documenting on their visits which will be fed into the Parenting Assessment. Has the mother had a Psychological Assessment? This will be fed into it. You mention that she has only had 3 visits - has she been allowing access for visits?

If you wish to put yourself forward to be assessed then now is the time to make that known. It will be too late to do this after the Final Hearing. Sadly as the child is a baby, the Local Authority will likely be twin tracking so adoption will also be considered. This is always an absolute worst case scenario as children should be kept on the family. If you’re not currently being assessed, it sounds like they don’t know about you, so make it known and put yourself forward if you wish for this to be considered.

There is clearly a lot going on but the only things that will provide clarity for you is her allowing you to read the Parenting Assessment and the SWET (Social Work Evidence Template), the SWET will detail thoroughly the reasons why the child is in foster care in the first place. Obviously you have no right to these documents and it is up to her whether she consents to you reading them, but I’d be questioning why if she says no as it’s likely you only have a tiny piece of the picture.

Quite.

OP is coming across as very lovely, very caring, very knowledgeable, very responsible - nice middle class thriving lady. However, the other thread you’ve brought up, does paint a very different picture.

Maybe this is a case of troubled helping troubled? 🤷‍♀️

She spent it on her baby's name
Not sure why this is being lauded. She didn't spend it on her baby.

Well this thread has taken an unexpected turn
However if the information given by PP has helped just one person it should still stand regardless of @SummerDays2020 previous posts

The op won’t be back

I've a perspective on the tattoo issue- the first time I saw people tattoo children's names was a man who had about 6 dc by different women, all taken into care. It was a possession type thing for him. He was very bad news, preyed on vulnerable women, got them pregnant, went through the whole parental assessment thing only to fail it- repeatedly. He was proud of producing these children, and the tattoos were symbols of his success. In the eyes of the professionals dealing with the situation, they were total red flags, signs of his failure and inadequacy.

I know I'm biased as a result. I know adopters who are absolutely wonderful who tattooed their children's names and so on. I still don't see it as a sign of selfless love, though. It's much more complicated than that!

I'm sorry for your young friend and hope you are able to keep them together, assuming that's good for the tot.

@SummerDays2020 I think you've already had excellent advice to which I'm unable to add more but wanted to voice my support for you and her. She's lucky to have you help fight her corner and I really hope it works out well.

I found the tattoo thing telling too - not so much that this young woman got the tattoo (I thought a PP's suggestion that she was copying her role model was perhaps the case), but that the OP cited it proudly as a sign of what a good parent this woman is. Likewise the video of her and her child. She (the OP) seems very swayed by appearances and displays of emotion. There's less engagement with or focus on the less showy, harder-work aspects of being a decent parent. The attitude that being a good parent means simply having and expressing feelings about the child and that this seems to automatically confer rights to expect professionals to back off is likely part of the problem.

I agree. The SWs need to assess how this young woman will cope with hours of crying from the baby, endless sleepless nights with nobody else to help, deciding what to do when baby is ill, making good decisions even if circumstances aren’t ideal. Gestures are nothing when compared to the years of daily, 24 hour caring (and I don’t mean loving, but actually giving care) and sacrifices that a young single parent needs to make. It’s this aspect that the SWs are clearly concerned with.

I've seem SS involved in several families that I support via a charity which befriends struggling families. (through the council)
On the whole, the SW are sensible, down to earth and have a pretty good grasp of what is going on in the family.
On the whole, the families are defensive and a bit unaware of how their actions are detrimental to their kids.

one example, mum of 5, doing a great job of raising her kids, on a practical level, food, clothes, housing
But abusive ex boyfriend. She really doesn't understand why SS insist that he is kept away from the house, and she constantly contacts/talks to him. Kids exposed to his behaviour, and to the horrendous phone calls.
She keeps trying to 'get round' the SS 'rules' they have imposed to keep her and her kids safe.
She wants SS to sign her off becuase they have said she is doing fine with kids, apart from this issue with her ex.

It took months for her to really get it. Finally, after a year, she is beginning to see that her contact with her ex is damaging for her kids, and she is coming round to understand SS point of view about keeping them safe, and really cutting ties with her ex.

It was only the threat of removal that did it in the end.

If you only listened to her side of the story, SS don't sound caring at all.

Good lord, if these are the kind of things SS are worried about, I would be on their list. I looked an absolute mess for the first year with DD, never managed a sleep routine because she refused and failed generally with healthy eating.

I suppose because I am older and middle class it’s not as much of an issue. Sad state of affairs.

Just to clarify though my DD is very welled cared for and loved but maybe I wouldn’t hold up to this standard.

Well, they obviously aren't the only things raising concerns, don't be daft

I have no words of wisdom just saying that I hope the best interests of the child are upheld.

There is often an ex or current partner who social workers do not want around the female or the children. They tell women who may well be already being verbally and emotionally abused by the partner that they have to stay away from this male.

I have yet to see anyone from social services tell the hanger on partner to get lost. Usually these males are around vulnerable females because a mum with a child or children will get a house long before a single man.

Or there could be other reasons

@Johnnysgirl

You may be a social worker yourself and be a great one to have that opinion but in my experience they absolutely would take things further on those things alone.

I had to have a parenting assessment and the only bad thing the SW put in it was that I didn't wash my hands immediately after changing a wet nappy. I did, in fact wash my hands. I had to dress my child first and was having a conversation with my parents at the time, when during her 11 minute one and only visit she asked me if I usually skip washing my hands after changing a nappy. I told her I do wash my hands, and only hadn't done so yet because I was sorting the baby and finishing a conversation. Our childrens gaurdian at the time said to me, if every parent had their children taken for this kind of thing nobody would have their children! Said SW also went to see a longtime friend of mine who was giving a character reference and started making comments on my home being cramped. Plenty of other SW/guardians etc had been over and disagreed saying it was a lovely home. She did not put that in her assessment funnily enough, just made a bitchy comment of her own opinion which I think is highly inappropriate. Long story short we were "allowed" to keep our children.

Even the judge in our case made a comment about it in court because it was absolutely pathetic. The whole experience was unprofessional. One SW even refused to show us her badge or tell us her full name until my partner demanded to see some sort of verification. Turned out she was all over the internet for various disgusting reasons of bad things she had done and managed to keep her job. It blows my mind.

However I'm sure there are plenty of amazing SW doing the best for children they meet. Sorry for the rant! 😊

Why did you have to have a parental assessment in the first place?

Thank you.

I can't understand the need to attack anyone because they make a different choice to. But in the case of a vulnerable young woman, it just seems particularly cruel. I'm glad Mumsnet have deleted their posts as I wouldn't want to lose my cool reading them this morning. Thanks MN!