Is it too late? Is there anything I can do?

[SummerDays2020]

This is a very sensitive issue so I don't want to go into too much detail. If anyone can help it would be much appreciated and if there is another board that is good for this topic I'd be grateful to hear that too.

I support a young family member. She is a young mother. She lives in foster care in a mother and baby placement. I thought she was doing well. However, she told me she failed her 'parent assessment'. I was shocked as I can see her child has developed each time I see them. The child is very happy and smiley. I see the mum talking to her child, singing to her, cuddling her.

Things that have been brought up in the report I have never seen - they say the child's clothes do not fit. Every time I see the child they are in suitably sized clothes, mum sends me photos most days and child always well dressed and I also see SM photos. They say she doesn't encourage the child but again that is not my experience. I just don't understand. They also say the mum is regressive. I'm not quite sure what they are refering to or what the issue is. Is this enough for them to take the child away?

Mum is devestated. She was in foster care herself and lacked a mother as a role model. However, I honestly believe with some support she can be a very good mother to her child. She doesn't take drugs, she went out on her birthday and had a drink but doesn't usually go out, she doesn't shout or hit her child, she cooks her healthy meals, bathes her and puts her to bed and buys her toys appropriate to her age.

Is there anything I can offer to do that could help? How can I best support her? I'm worried sick.

Very much this. They are being abusive and obnoxious on another thread, too.

Imagine “rocking up” to write such venom on a thread where someone is distressed and asking for help. Horrible behaviour.

I think the mum has decided to go for a tattoo of her daughters name partly because she has seen that you have done that and is copying her role model of a good mum. Apart from the one pertinent point made about being easily dismissed if you present your support purely as an all too emotional relative, I cant believe some of the abusive negative posts on here. Bore off.

Oh God what a worrying situation but good she's got you for support!

I've seen all kinds of cases, an autistic mother wrongly diagnosed by untrained SS as psychotic and told she would need to go on unneeded antipsychotic injections to be able to keep her daughter. With all the awful side effects that causes...

You've got good advice on this thread so just wanted to say stay strong and keep positive x

I have fostered a few babies with mothers in similar circumstances and it really is a tough call for ss. Often the issue is not the mother as such but her social circle, inappropriate men etc. So ss have to judge how safe the child will be in that environment once the mother leaves the placement. Optimistically, you'd like to see the mother given a chance on her own because she loves her baby and shows signs of being able to cope. But pragmatically, if it's more likely the child will be in danger and likely to end up back in care later with some damaging experiences, you can see why adoption at a young age might be the better option.

My instinct on these kinds of threads is always to trust SS over the view of the OP

And this thread has not remotely changed that view

In what capacity have you “seen all kinds of cases”

Op

i recall you from another thread you started about fact YOUR boyfriend has paranoid schizophrenia.

how would SS feel about your children being around him?

Not only does he have paranoid schizophrenia he also has a criminal record and been jailed for joy riding and awaiting a court date presently for assaulting a man.

op - you have failed the parental assessment due to your boyfriend.

correct?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/legal_matters/4507400-Help-being-charged-going-to-court

apols posted on wrong thread

My only advice is ensure you take legal advice and document every thing. In my experience the SW I had the misfortune of dealing with was still lying in court. Luckily I could go back over a couple of years to find the emails that proved it.

But could the SW not have said

”that was the case “a few years ago”. The situation has since changed”

So you agree with the social workers in Star Hobson's case? What about Baby P?

Never heard anything so stupid in my life.

Social workers can and do get things wrong.

@Forthelasttime09 no, it was a case of SW telling me to keep a behaviour diary and then categorically telling the court she had not. Luckily I had the email trail to confirm it was her suggestion. There was also a training I felt would be beneficial and she said it would not be, again all in email. In court she stated that I refused to attend. Again the email trail proved she was lying to suit her own agenda.

There is so much on this thread that is horrifying about the conduct of social workers when deal with people. The social workers do not tell the truth. I am a member of a group who constantly face lies from social workers who can not face the truth of situations

I had thought that I was the target of social workers but it seems that they will target many people. They hate to be proved wrong and even then they try to manipulate things further even though they have been criticised by people with far more appropriate qualifications i.e. consultant doctors discussing health of a person and social workers saying different, solicitors and courts making court orders and social workers thinking they have the right to over rule court orders.

It is long past time that social workers were held to account for their conduct.

Hi OP
has the sw looked at family support via a Family Group Conference?

frg.org.uk/family-group-conferences/what-is-a-family-group-conference/

apologies if you feel this is not relevant or have already been held? If not could you request this at the next meeting?

You sound like you really care and are already giving great support to this young mum.
Can you please have a look at the HOMESTART charity. They support young mums that are struggling just like this young mum and are a source of support outside of the authorities and are completely non-judgemental.

i should have clarified.

when SS want to take action and do not see a parent as fit - then my instinct is to err on side of caution and believe them over OP.

in both those cases, SS took the wrong decision to not get involved.

OP sorry about all the bickering on the thread. Also sorry that I have no further useful advice, I think it's all been said.

I just wanted to point out that if SS are worried about the mum's mental health, it would have been smarter to address these concerns in a way that isn't absolutely bound to threaten her mental health.

OP I hope she can take some solace from the fact that there are total strangers on the Internet rooting for her. I trust your assessment because of the careful way you have presented the situation here.

I hope it all comes to good end.

I just wanted to point out that if SS are worried about the mum's mental health, it would have been smarter to address these concerns in a way that isn't absolutely bound to threaten her mental health.

Absolutely. I feel that social workers are incredibly inept at understanding how their interference hugely negatively effects the mental health of the entire family. The way they treat parents due to 'erring on the side of caution' is akin to bullying, gaslighting and undermining. It's incredibly, incredibly harmful to both the parents and children. I've seen great parents reduced to anxious, depressed, paranoid messes under their scrutiny. The worse thing is - they seem to enjoy doing this to parents. Some kind of sick power trip. I absolutely wish I was making this up.

In what capacity have you “seen” this?

I've been trying to think what I would advise my DD to do if she was in this situation.

I'd look at getting the child into mums and tots groups (both for social interaction for the toddler and for support for the Mum, so she can learn about other parenting techniques).
Ditto sensory play classes, forest tots or baby swimming.
Then keep a record of all classes attended and ask the leaders for references if needed.
It's important that the tot is "seen" and not hidden away.

Look at establishing a routine as an immediate priority. This is important as it shows that she can be organised enough to get the child up and ready for school or nursery in the future.

Document what they've done each day in a diary (can be digital with photo evidence) and is also important if the poor girl is unsuccessful and loses her DD (as a record of her).

Make "self care" something that is about self development, so spend the money on a yoga kit or a night school class, rather than a tattoo or haircut. Anything that she can use to show that she is trying to develop herself as a mum, and be "progressive" rather than the awful term "regressive", which has been thrown at her.

Try to get a job, any job! And put the little one in a nursery, this shows that 1) the mum is keen to support her DD, shows that she is organised and 2) Shows that she is not afraid to let other professional carers into the child's life. Nursery will be able to say they have no safeguarding concerns.

Remember that the foster carer is paid by SS. She is watching everything and reporting back to them. What she tells your relative that she has said to them may bear no resemblance to what she has actually said. So, the young mum needs to go above and beyond "adequate" or "good" right now and she needs to be able to prove that.

Good luck.

As always with any thread involving SS we now have a litany of aggrieved individuals all of whom either know or are themselves fantastic parents who SS have just decided to pick on. You can probably count on one hand the number of parents who have their children removed who agree that they are inadequate parents. Karen Matthews thought she was a great Mum as did a whole load of her friends. The sad thing is the supportive friends often don't know what good enough parenting is themselves therefore they aren't able to help the parent improve. This young person may well have had limited experience of 'good enough' parenting herself as she was also taken into care. If this is a family member then what is the wider family understanding of 'good enough' parenting? The OP states herself that she doesn't think some of what the young woman is doing is not good enough, because that is how the OP parented herself, this lack of objectivity can be detrimental to showing capacity for change. A few posters have indicated why the lack of a consistent sleep schedule and morning routine could be a problem, only to be shouted down by people saying 'well I also did that so it must be fine'. If there are concerns around the mothers MH then they may well have requested a psychological assessment and the outcome of that will be taken into account. The mother herself may have had adverse childhood experiences that significantly impact her ability to be a good enough parent, this should be taken into account. The mother and her supporters may well be absolutely committed to doing their best for the child but it still may not be good enough. There has clearly been a high level of concern since birth and IF the SW cannot see sufficient change they have to weigh up how long the mother should be given to show she can make changes against the impact on the child. The fact she is in foster care will be seen as a significant protective factor but not one that can be sustained indefinitely.