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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it too late? Is there anything I can do?

279 replies

SummerDays2020 · 30/07/2022 23:18

This is a very sensitive issue so I don't want to go into too much detail. If anyone can help it would be much appreciated and if there is another board that is good for this topic I'd be grateful to hear that too.

I support a young family member. She is a young mother. She lives in foster care in a mother and baby placement. I thought she was doing well. However, she told me she failed her 'parent assessment'. I was shocked as I can see her child has developed each time I see them. The child is very happy and smiley. I see the mum talking to her child, singing to her, cuddling her.

Things that have been brought up in the report I have never seen - they say the child's clothes do not fit. Every time I see the child they are in suitably sized clothes, mum sends me photos most days and child always well dressed and I also see SM photos. They say she doesn't encourage the child but again that is not my experience. I just don't understand. They also say the mum is regressive. I'm not quite sure what they are refering to or what the issue is. Is this enough for them to take the child away?

Mum is devestated. She was in foster care herself and lacked a mother as a role model. However, I honestly believe with some support she can be a very good mother to her child. She doesn't take drugs, she went out on her birthday and had a drink but doesn't usually go out, she doesn't shout or hit her child, she cooks her healthy meals, bathes her and puts her to bed and buys her toys appropriate to her age.

Is there anything I can offer to do that could help? How can I best support her? I'm worried sick.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 14:42

georgarina · 02/08/2022 07:22

Oh God what a worrying situation but good she's got you for support!

I've seen all kinds of cases, an autistic mother wrongly diagnosed by untrained SS as psychotic and told she would need to go on unneeded antipsychotic injections to be able to keep her daughter. With all the awful side effects that causes...

You've got good advice on this thread so just wanted to say stay strong and keep positive x

What am I reading 😮 Sure no psychiatrist would allow that and SS would be put straight.

Thank you so much.

OP posts:
2almost3 · 02/08/2022 14:45

@Forthelasttime09

This was a few years ago now..

I contacted my Heath visitor about a small bruise on my 5week olds face about the size of a 5p piece. I had a 4 year old also at the time and thought maybe he had poked him but more importantly I wanted to be sure he didn't have any blood disorders as I had seen it in the media a few times.

We had never had social services involved prior but unfortunately me raising this concern started a huge problem. And it was not the health visitors fault. She did what she had to do and she was even apologetic which at the time I didn't understand but after I realised she knew what shit storm was brewing bless her. My midwife was supportive and so was our HV.

We had the best solicitors money could buy, actually taking two that the defence would usually use, we were just lucky we could do this. We are now free of it all (for now) but it took a long long time and a lot of counselling afterwards to get our lives back to normal. It affected our mental health immensely as you can imagine being told your 5 week old could potentially be put up for adoption against your will.

Of course this isn't always the case, some parents aren't capable of keeping their children safe so it's a hard job to do but we had a terrible experience.

2almost3 · 02/08/2022 14:49

@Forthelasttime09

Just to clarify also, in this situation you don't have to pay your solicitors they are paid for by the court system. We have social workers and lots of barristers, judges and solicitors as family and family friends so we were able to secure these as we were getting advice from them.

If we did not know these people we would have picked any solicitor that looked good enough and I dread to think what parents who don't have the support we had have to go through because it is the scariest thing I have and hopefully will ever experience

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 14:51

Petros9 · 02/08/2022 07:34

I have fostered a few babies with mothers in similar circumstances and it really is a tough call for ss. Often the issue is not the mother as such but her social circle, inappropriate men etc. So ss have to judge how safe the child will be in that environment once the mother leaves the placement. Optimistically, you'd like to see the mother given a chance on her own because she loves her baby and shows signs of being able to cope. But pragmatically, if it's more likely the child will be in danger and likely to end up back in care later with some damaging experiences, you can see why adoption at a young age might be the better option.

It turns out the main issue is that mum had depression when a close family member died. The social circle doesn't appear to be a problem. There are no men and good boundaries with dad so that hasn't been raised as a problem.

Mum did cope on her own for an extended period of time. I think it is now about showing the improvement in her mental health, making sure she is getting all the help and support she needs now and showing protective factors for the future.

OP posts:
Forthelasttime09 · 02/08/2022 14:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:01

Forthelasttime09 · 02/08/2022 07:38

My instinct on these kinds of threads is always to trust SS over the view of the OP

And this thread has not remotely changed that view

While you are entitled to your opinion, giving it on a thread asking for support isn't particularly helpful. Your view will make no difference to the family court decision. Whether you or I trust SS will make no difference. I am seeking information on the process not for someone to make a personal opinion on whether mum should keep her baby.

But it can come come across pretty hurtful for someone to make judgement on a family they don't know atall. A family already feeling very stressed and low. In these circumstances, perhaps it would be kinder to not comment or start your own thread if you want to discuss a different aspect to what is being discussed here.

We've got some good advice from solicitors now and feeling in a very positive place. It doesn't appear that we are at a point where the court will allow the DD to go into foster care alone but we won't know for another few weeks so mum's just got to carry on demonstrating that this isn't necessary.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 02/08/2022 15:02

Forthelasttime09 · 02/08/2022 14:26

Why did you have to have a parental assessment in the first place?

Show quote history

I'm not a social worker. How did you come to the attention of social services in the first place, if there were no actual concerns?

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:04

Forthelasttime09 · 02/08/2022 07:41

Op

i recall you from another thread you started about fact YOUR boyfriend has paranoid schizophrenia.

how would SS feel about your children being around him?

I'm not with him any more. They were happy for him to be around him when he was well. Unfortunately, that changed.

OP posts:
Forthelasttime09 · 02/08/2022 15:04

SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:01

While you are entitled to your opinion, giving it on a thread asking for support isn't particularly helpful. Your view will make no difference to the family court decision. Whether you or I trust SS will make no difference. I am seeking information on the process not for someone to make a personal opinion on whether mum should keep her baby.

But it can come come across pretty hurtful for someone to make judgement on a family they don't know atall. A family already feeling very stressed and low. In these circumstances, perhaps it would be kinder to not comment or start your own thread if you want to discuss a different aspect to what is being discussed here.

We've got some good advice from solicitors now and feeling in a very positive place. It doesn't appear that we are at a point where the court will allow the DD to go into foster care alone but we won't know for another few weeks so mum's just got to carry on demonstrating that this isn't necessary.

Show quote history

Seriously op

are SS not aware of your situation?

if they’re not, they should be

Forthelasttime09 · 02/08/2022 15:05

SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:04

I'm not with him any more. They were happy for him to be around him when he was well. Unfortunately, that changed.

Show quote history

So there has been SS involvement with you and your children?

Forthelasttime09 · 02/08/2022 15:07

You were posting about your boyfriends mental health declining and how worried you were about his impending court date for serious assault….. 3 months ago

2almost3 · 02/08/2022 15:08

@Johnnysgirl

I have explained a bit further down in reply to another poster.

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:10

Johnnysgirl · 02/08/2022 10:44

She spent it on her baby's name
Not sure why this is being lauded. She didn't spend it on her baby.

Show quote history

That she treated herself in order to keep her mental health in order is a good thing.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 02/08/2022 15:10

2almost3 · 02/08/2022 15:08

@Johnnysgirl

I have explained a bit further down in reply to another poster.

You have indeed. Apologies.

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

He has not been charged so not awaiting a court date. Yes, that is true when he was very young. However, he's not my boyfriend anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:16

Forthelasttime09 · 02/08/2022 15:05

So there has been SS involvement with you and your children?

Show quote history

No, I'm talking about the DC we are discussing. They have been happy for him to be around the child. Nothing more has been said however dad decided while he was unwell best for him not to see him.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 02/08/2022 15:19

SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:14

He has not been charged so not awaiting a court date. Yes, that is true when he was very young. However, he's not my boyfriend anymore.

Show quote history

Were Social Services involved in your children's lives when you were together?
Forgive me, but you don't sound the best advocate for this young woman at all. You may do more harm than good.

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:20

Thighdentitycrisis · 02/08/2022 09:18

Hi OP
has the sw looked at family support via a Family Group Conference?

frg.org.uk/family-group-conferences/what-is-a-family-group-conference/

apologies if you feel this is not relevant or have already been held? If not could you request this at the next meeting?

I don't know I will find out, thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:21

Superbabe64 · 02/08/2022 09:43

You sound like you really care and are already giving great support to this young mum.
Can you please have a look at the HOMESTART charity. They support young mums that are struggling just like this young mum and are a source of support outside of the authorities and are completely non-judgemental.

Thank you

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 02/08/2022 15:22

SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:10

That she treated herself in order to keep her mental health in order is a good thing.

Show quote history

🤔. Not sure the people responsible for making sure she can parent adequately will see it quite the same as you do.

Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:23

CanaryShoulderedThorn · 02/08/2022 10:14

I've been trying to think what I would advise my DD to do if she was in this situation.

I'd look at getting the child into mums and tots groups (both for social interaction for the toddler and for support for the Mum, so she can learn about other parenting techniques).
Ditto sensory play classes, forest tots or baby swimming.
Then keep a record of all classes attended and ask the leaders for references if needed.
It's important that the tot is "seen" and not hidden away.

Look at establishing a routine as an immediate priority. This is important as it shows that she can be organised enough to get the child up and ready for school or nursery in the future.

Document what they've done each day in a diary (can be digital with photo evidence) and is also important if the poor girl is unsuccessful and loses her DD (as a record of her).

Make "self care" something that is about self development, so spend the money on a yoga kit or a night school class, rather than a tattoo or haircut. Anything that she can use to show that she is trying to develop herself as a mum, and be "progressive" rather than the awful term "regressive", which has been thrown at her.

Try to get a job, any job! And put the little one in a nursery, this shows that 1) the mum is keen to support her DD, shows that she is organised and 2) Shows that she is not afraid to let other professional carers into the child's life. Nursery will be able to say they have no safeguarding concerns.

Remember that the foster carer is paid by SS. She is watching everything and reporting back to them. What she tells your relative that she has said to them may bear no resemblance to what she has actually said. So, the young mum needs to go above and beyond "adequate" or "good" right now and she needs to be able to prove that.

Good luck.

Thank you so much

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I've never had a parent assessment - what do you mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:25

And he is a man with paranoid schizophrenia.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:27

ThreeLocusts · 02/08/2022 10:01

OP sorry about all the bickering on the thread. Also sorry that I have no further useful advice, I think it's all been said.

I just wanted to point out that if SS are worried about the mum's mental health, it would have been smarter to address these concerns in a way that isn't absolutely bound to threaten her mental health.

OP I hope she can take some solace from the fact that there are total strangers on the Internet rooting for her. I trust your assessment because of the careful way you have presented the situation here.

I hope it all comes to good end.

Me too, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerDays2020 · 02/08/2022 15:28

Forthelasttime09 · 02/08/2022 10:46

The op won’t be back

Really?

OP posts: