AIBU to think we could afford private school?

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We have one DS, aged 9. If we were to send him to the private school near us, it would mean that we’d have about £900-£950 per month left after mortgage, school fees, bills and food (I’m budgeting £700 for the latter two). I think it’s doable but DH is worried. What do you think?

My young neighbour went to a private school despite living in a 3 bed semi. His grandparents remortgaged to pay for it. It didn’t last long, he was constantly bullied about being poor until he was expelled for fighting with a boy who criticised the old banger his Dad picked him up in.

@Raneer :/ this is far from a typical experience. For starters; there are many places where a 3 bed semi costs over 900,000. Not every child at private school lives in a multi-million pound property.

That’s literally how life works. Money and connections get you places in life. Places you can’t get to based on merit. That’s why my friend with a 2.2 degree was handed a company director position in Daddy’s business straight out of university while the rest of us had 1sts but were struggling to get min wage jobs. He barely worked at uni because he knew he had a job on a plate. Any of us would have been more capable than him but the job wasn’t filled based on merit. The logic may make your blood boil but it’s the truth.

My niece is at a private school and the uniform & sports kits costs the best part of a grand. Plus you have to factor in other costs such as travel, trips, books & equipment.

Then you need to consider that your child is socialising with children from wealthier backgrounds. Can you afford to fund all the after school socialising and the latest gear? It can be a bit like keeping up with the Jones' at private school with the extravagent parties etc that some kids have.

It’s fairly obvious that I’m talking about a 100k semi, not an expensive one. You’re just being facetious. The boy’s Dad was a factory worker who drove an old banger and the other kids bullied him until he got expelled for retaliating. If a family is stretching to send their child to private school then the child won’t fit in or be accepted by those who can easily afford it.

Agree with this. There are people from different income levels at private schools. Of course they fit in.

Though make sure you've factored in any extras, and those do add up especially as you go up the age range. Also, if you had more than one child (not sure if you do) I can't see how you'd manage to pay for them.

@Raneer we’ve experienced the opposite, and everyone is accepted, regardless of financial status. Really, most people don’t give a toss. There was far more ‘keeping up with the Joneses’ at the state school we were at before.
Far less bullying too - at the end of the day they’re running a business, and if a child is a bully and causes other people to withdraw their children, then that bully is going to be asked to leave.

Unfortunately, bullies will be bullies irrespective of school / wealth / class. If they don't like someone, they will find something to pick on. Wealth was just an easy one in this case.

My daughter goes to a small private school for several reasons. We live in a 2 bed FLAT in a fairly rough area of the north and drive a 10 year old cheap car in order to afford it. Yes, we have sacrificed other things, but I wouldn't change that for anything, she is so happy there and has never been bullied. There is a mix of those on bursaries and those with several, multi-million homes. There are some bullies and some snobs at the school, not all of them are the rich ones either... One of my daughter's best friends is one of the mega-rich ones, she came to stay with us in the holidays for a few days, she didn't turn her nose up or even really notice, she was just a nice, normal girl.

Honestly don't. It's all the extras as well. The uniform is so expensive, the trips way more than in a state school. You have to buy all the books, instruments, sporting equipment etc

Frankly the costs never go down do they ?

I have taught in private and state. No difference in teaching at all

The OP said £900 - £950 left after mortgage, bills and food. So yes it's doable.

That must be an exceptional experience. Both my children and two of my grandchildren attended, and currently attend, private schools. We were not rich at all and there was no bullying. One of our grandsons goes to an extremely prestigious private school where many children have full bursaries. All that is required to be accepted at the school is intelligence. Money isn't a factor. Even the uniform is very plain - ordinary black blazer, no school hats. So far, because of covid, only one school trip to a local venue.

Our son, now 10, has been attending a private school since reception. We are one of the less well off families in the grand scheme of things, but we make it work and he doesn't ever miss out. We may not have the biggest house, the fanciest cars or go on numerous overseas holidays, but is that really important? It hasn't made a scrap of difference to him. He's a high achiever, has a great group of friends from all walks of life, but most importantly, he is so happy and settled. We love the school and the opportunities it presents, and for us it's worth the sacrifice, because our son is thriving.

Save up for 6 form only? Or just send him for the first 5 years?

We did the first one of those and it was good practice for going to Uni in that he met a whole load of new people and had to work with them.

Surely the same could be said for 17 year olds up and down the country who didn’t go to private school though?

DD1 went to a private school for secondary, massive bursary, scholarship, and tbh, if I had to do it again, would have opted to send her to local comp, and supplement with tutoring.

Agree that private schools are not just lots of, 'rich kids,' but parents who are honestly trying to do their best, but like state schools, there are some good and some dreadful teaching, but this was generally over looked as the exam results were good. The elephant in the room is that most of my DD's friends were also getting private tutoring, although whether this was due to huge gaps in learning due to Covid, I'm not sure.

There is also the issue of having local friends - DD1 doesn't have any friends in close proximity. Although this isn't an issue when 9 years old, fast forward to getting independence. Will he be able to get to school himself or will he have to rely on lifts?

The main thing this proves is that all private schools (and even individual children's experience of the same school) are different. Just as all state schools are different. OP should certainly consider how her child will fit in at their prospective school. Lots of people telling her that this is not an issue (or indeed that this is an issue) based on their particular small point of knowledge about a single school is not really very helpful to her. She needs to look at the school she is interested in rather than making generalisations across a whole sector.

My DC go to an average comp sort of state school. Their same age cousins go to a local private school. Based on their experiences, are conclusions are that the DC have all had a reasonable standard of education but that the 2 individual schools have both had pros and cons. Both families are happy with their experiences and pleased they made the decisions they did. of course not all families are happy with their educational outcomes but in a lot of cases this is down to individual schools, or particular circumstances, or specific peer groups, a lot of which could not be predicted in advance.

This is always controversial but I’ll be sending my kids to a private school

having Myself gone to all three types of schools - 1, comp- I was never challenged at all, 2. Private - I was challenged academically but also had exposure to so many incredible things (music, choir, sports, being housecaptain, politics, going to UN forums - and this was at primary school), 3. A top grammar - very very good academically but less good on extracurricular for those who weren’t naturally good.

my short time in a private school gave me an incredible amount of confidence and versatility that has helped me throughout uni and my career so far.

I will pay for my children’s education because the private school is better academically and in terms of extracurricular than the local state schools- its just fact in my area.

we are not rich - just professionals with a good salary. So we may need to make some sacrifices for this - eg not so much of the Uber lux holidays but that’s fine

as for oP - I think £900 a month without budgeting for higher interest rates on mortgages, holidays and the extras with a school could be tight - eg transport, trips. We have quite a bit more than that left and will still not be complacent.

This seems tiny to me. A holiday, even a modest one in Europe (with the exchange as it is), could cost £3-4k. I would go to the local not-great school. If it's really not that good, it will likely get academised and turned around.

Have you factored in other expenses as well as fees? For eg my friends daughter is about to start a private high school and they need to have their own laptop. Then there are the trips that are on offer and things like music lessons for example. Do you have enough for the “compulsory” extras and are you ok with your child not accessing some or all of the extra curricular options?

It’s £950 a month after fees and all their household expenses.

My oldest has been at a private school for around 8 years and we have kids from lots of different financial backgrounds. Some live in flats, some have parents who don’t earn very high salaries and their grandparents pay for their fees. A few have things like second homes, ridiculously expensive cars and live in multi-million pound homes. I’ve never heard of anyone being teased about their material circumstances and the kids don’t talk about it as far as I know. I feel like I would have a good idea of this because I’m a stay at home parent and do lots of play dates and driving kids around etc

My daughter has commented in the past about the size of some houses - saying things like - “why does x have such a big house.” I’ve never heard comments about smaller houses or cars. Maybe it is different at secondary as I do find the kids at our school are quite innocent and protected.

Yes but my point still stands - £900 pcm left without budgeting for higher interest rates, holidays and the extras on top of fees is tight

extras often aren’t even optional - eg school meal supplements

Maybe it is different at secondary as I do find the kids at our school are quite innocent and protected.

er - yes. I wouldn't expect this to be an issue amongst primary school children.

You should also realise that "innocent and protected" may translate to "a complete lack of understanding as to how the majority live". And asking "why cant you afford a xyz" may be an innocent remark on their part, but not all children on the receiving end of the comment will find it such.