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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be 40yrs old & not have any friends?

127 replies

FreshDoughDaily · 29/07/2022 19:41

Probably wrong topic but I guess more traffic occurs here.
How do you make and maintain friends?
I seem to have no life really other than parenting, housework, walking the dogs & meeting everybody else's needs.
I don't have any friends and don't seem to know how to find any?
Any advice?

OP posts:

DavesSpareDeckChair · 31/07/2022 20:37

I'm approaching 40 and childless but apart from DH I don't have any close friends for various reasons. I have thought about joining the WI but am worried I'd be the youngest and wouldn't fit in or be wanted there!

I've never really fitted in anywhere: i have moved around a bit, my family is from another culture and growing up they only valued my grades, not friendships, happiness, hobbies, etc. I'm not used to any kind of hobby clubs or going out in the evenings (even though I'd like to) as this is something they discouraged and didnt do themselves. I'm always wondering "what is normal?" like how much going out is normal, how often, for how long, who with, where, etc because it is not something that existed in my world. At weekends they demand to see me and get jealous over the rare occasions I see anyone else, so as a result I keep these things from them.

I have had a lot of jobs that did not last long or where the other staff did not last long, so didnt have much time to get to know them. Outside of work and study I'm not entirely sure what to do with my life or where to meet people because all I have ever known is work, study and family.

I know I'm not very good at making friends and I'm even worse at keeping them. I guess it is a skill like any other, you have to learn and practice it regularly from an early age. I feel that I lack social skills and would love to learn but dont know where to start.
If I receive a message I agonise over how to respond because I am so scared of getting it wrong and offending people or being misunderstood, and I end up being a flake who takes ages to reply (if I reply at all) - I know it looks rude but it is genuinely because i am so anxious! I would be interested in chatting with MNers but as I say I would also be very nervous about it too.

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 31/07/2022 22:04

I'd love to join the WI Daves I follow my local one on FB and it looks like they have a great time. I also worry that I'm at least 20 years younger than them all and they'd think I was some sort of weirdo!

I did do Ladies Circle a few years ago but it was when my children were young, DH worked away and I couldn't make it very often. Felt like I didn't go enough to get to know anyone and although everyone was really nice, they were already all friends

BobbinThreadbare123 · 01/08/2022 21:18

@DavesSpareDeckChair you and I are quite similar. I can feel paralysed over a bloody text because I have no idea how people interpret.

Anyone else feel they'd like to join things but then feel immediately like they don't want to give their phone number out?!

lookthisway · 01/08/2022 22:06

@DavesSpareDeckChair do check out your local WI, many of them have a younger demographic. Am thinking of joining my local one after the summer and most members look like they are in their 40/50s

themepark · 02/08/2022 08:05

Has anyone played the field a bit in friendship terms, like putting yourself out there, organising coffee or activity date?

I feel like even the asking is difficult in case of rejection or me overthinking that they may agree but not actually want to.

Eto · 02/08/2022 08:27

themepark · 02/08/2022 08:05

Has anyone played the field a bit in friendship terms, like putting yourself out there, organising coffee or activity date?

I feel like even the asking is difficult in case of rejection or me overthinking that they may agree but not actually want to.

Absolutely. I did it in the last place we lived over a period of several years, and it was a crashing failure because I really didn’t fit in there (foreigner, left winger in a high Tory village, working mother of a young child in a place where these were very rare — only two out of DS’s primary school class of 27). I realise with retrospect that it was never going to work just because I was a poor fit locally. I volunteered, ended up running a playgroup, asked people for coffee, accepted all (few) invitations, did things like asking DS’s friends’ parents for dinner etc. In the end, I made my friends at work.

Then we moved countries in late 2019. Despite the first lockdown occurring only a few months later, I was proactive about exchanging numbers with people I met, inviting DS’s new school friends for play dates and asking their parents to stick around for a coffee, talking to people I met randomly etc. This time it worked, and was reciprocated — I could do with more friends still, but 2.5 years after moving to a new country, I have a core of good people, who are interesting, stimulating, kind and diverse, in my life.

Don’t be cast down by knock backs. Some people won’t be interested or available, but unless you’re unlucky with your environment as I was last time, some will.

puffyisgood · 02/08/2022 08:33

Zero friends is extreme, but, in my mid 40s, I'm certainly down to single figures, low single figures in terms of people who I see halfway often. It's not much of a stretch at all to imagine how that last handful could have gone by the wayside or how they might in the future.

prettygirlincrimsonrose · 03/08/2022 07:21

@DavesSpareDeckChair I've recently joined a WI - where I live there's one that's got a lot of younger members and does some less traditional things - so could be worth looking into.

Pookie45 · 02/02/2023 15:23

I'm in the same boat. I had a good group of friends growing up. Found it hard making me friends at uni. Moved away mid 20s so hard to make new friends. Now I'm in my mid 40s and have no friends. Happily married, 3 kids and some acquaintances. I do feel lonely. I don't work, struggling to find work.

I live over 3 hours away from my home town, even my old friend don't want much to do with me now. I became a Muslim 12 years ago, not everyone is comfortable with it.
People tell me how lovely I am, kind etc, but still no friends.
Even the ladies in the gym often ignore me now for some reason.

Natuk · 26/05/2023 14:36

Me too. Funnily enough, I wrote the same thing here 13 years ago. My son is now 18 years old, in September he will go to university. I will miss him terribly. I'm so lonely and I've never had a single close friend. I tried and tried. I think that because I have a disability, people constantly looked at my disability. Personally, it wasn’t for my son, I wouldn't be here. People don't understand loneliness and not having friends to share or talk with. I wish I'd find someone special and love me for who I'm. For someone to take me out for a drink and lunch. :( i have been single since I had my son, sad isnt it? I always put on a brave face for my son. Sorry rambling on.

catherin2 · 27/08/2023 20:48

Just wondering if anyone made friends since this thread? I am 44 & so alone, I have two dd & 1 ds but they go to their fathers on Saturdays. I work Tuesday - Saturdays and have 0 friends. Just don’t know how to make friends.

Mary46 · 27/08/2023 21:04

Hi my friend who has loads friends I said whats your tips. She in drama clubs they always out. Her school mums too. I met her through walking and another through boys school year. Its difficult op people are run to work from walking dogs so its hello only people too busy. I def have few friends at 50 prob 3 max.

IncessantNameChanger · 28/08/2023 00:02

I did eventually make a new friend via my dog walking group. It's effort once you see an opportunity to make a new friend, you have to work to get it off the ground.

Itsallovernow23 · 04/09/2023 20:51

I realised recently that I have almost no local friends. One in a friendship group fell out with me and I didn't want to take the effort of keeping the others so I left it. They all do so much together, holidays etc and I feel sad that I'm not there. I think the fall out had a bigger effect on me than I realised as I've kept other acquaintances at arms length; I thought because I was busy, but realise now it was probably because I was too scared. I'm trying to meet up with them more frequently now. I have good friends from school and uni but we are far away from each other and only meet up a couple of times a year. I'm starting to get really worried and the anxiety of my loneliness is making me depressed.

49F · 07/09/2023 23:44

Same position - have you had any joy?

Daretohope · 21/11/2023 23:00

This is exactly what happened to me. I hope you have new friends now and are happy.

Patchworksack · 21/11/2023 23:13

I have three people I consider to be close female friend of 10 yrs plus. They have all moved away and so we see each other infrequently. I have a lot of people I am on friendly terms with but the pandemic showed me it’s just situational - they meet my need for social chit chat but there is nothing deeper there. It’s a bit sad but I am so busy with work and family I don’t have time to invest.

Berry78 · 15/12/2023 07:25

Hello there, I’ve just woken up this morning, feeling really alone. It’s strange, everyone thinks I’m easy-going and bubbly but really, I don’t have any friends. I just know lots of people I say hello to. I’m incredibly lonely and scared. I work from home and only leave the house for school drop off. Meanwhile, others I know are out most days this week, having Christmas dos. I just don’t know what to do except cry. It’s pretty pathetic. It never use to be like this.

stillholly · 15/12/2023 07:40

Hey Betty, sorry you feel that way. They say comparison is the thief of joy so try not to dwell on what others are doing too much.

So you generally feel like you want more friends all year round, or more so this week?

How about a group or a hobby in the new year that may help you make some connections? Any school mums that might want a coffee one day?

SeeSawe · 15/12/2023 11:06

Hi Berry, I feel your pain. I am the same as you it is very scary to be so alone. I can’t even say anything to make you feel any better. There is so many of us feeling this way, its awful to feel so afraid and trapped all the time by loneliness. Hugs to you xxx

Aquarius1234 · 15/12/2023 11:23

Mid to late 30s also very few friends, none locally.
Always up for theatre and cinema friends.
Anyone feel free to PM me. South East.
Its rubbish going out alone.

GreyBee · 19/02/2024 15:05

Hi I know this is an old post but I relate and wonder if anyone wants to link up.

decionsdecisions62 · 19/02/2024 15:17

I have quite a few; some I met at work, some I've kept friendships going from the school my daughter attended, some go way back. I never let things drift, I stay in touch, I try to ensure we have fun when we do meet.

peekaboo1 · 09/05/2024 20:10

Found this thread and though it is sad, it is also comforting in a way that I'm not the only one. Late 40s with no one I can chat to, have a giggle with or just have a friendship with. DH and DD and elderly mum are the only people in my life. I miss having friends.
Living in London, didn't really gel with any of the parents at DD's school as most families at a central London prep school have priorities that are different to mine and also the whole 11+ thing added a layer of competitive parenting that I just didn't want to be dealing with. Now DD will be going to a new secondary school and becoming a teenager, I know my loneliness is only going to get worse. To make it even worse I started the local parents group 11 years ago and have watched from the sidelines as groups of friends have formed and flourished. I have been the facilitator of this, but as a result never got to form my own friendships.
I remember the friendships of my youth, chit chatting about silly fashion trends, celebs, tv shows for hours on the phone. Nowadays I barely even talk to anyone apart from my family. Would be nice to have friends to message, share jokes, and chatter.
What is the fix for this? If there are any groups still running or people who relate, it would be good to join.

StarbucksQueen1 · 09/05/2024 20:14

The gym? I have friends already… childhood friends, neighbour, sons school friends parents but noticed at gym classes lately two women my age have started chatting to me and seemingly wanting to make friends! I never joined with that intention and it caught me off guard! It’s the Les Mills classes I do.. could something similar work for you?

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