To be 40yrs old & not have any friends?

[FreshDoughDaily]

Probably wrong topic but I guess more traffic occurs here.
How do you make and maintain friends?
I seem to have no life really other than parenting, housework, walking the dogs & meeting everybody else's needs.
I don't have any friends and don't seem to know how to find any?
Any advice?

I went back to work and made friends in my workplaces, at conferences and by networking at related events. I also attend meetup groups related to my interests.

Pottering about the house all day after a pair of teens isn't going to give you a social life. Time to start doing things for yourself?

I moved to a different part of the country which makes it hard to stay in touch with school friends.

Messy divorce from ex therefore cut contact with all his friends.

Have a disabled child, incredibly isolating

I can see having children with disabilities and / or wfh must be limiting socially although it's a shame there are no family support groups.

I also moved away from friends / where I grew up, whenever I went back I would pop in to see them.

I think maybe because I've stayed in jobs a long time (my last two jobs 10+ years) so possibly easier to make friends as you get to know them?

But also I'm pretty direct, I don't do tentative reaching out. For example I want to see a show, I message a group of friends. Some answer to say they're keen but they are away that weekend. So I propose another date; two say yes.

Maybe start with inviting people round for a drink and chat?

I'm in the same boat. Weekends and holidays I can literally speak to no one other than dd. I have no one to invite round for a cuppa etc. I feel so isolated. Watch a lot of TV!

Yes, I’m 50, I’ve moved around in several different countries, only kept in touch with a single school friend, and commuted internationally for ten years, moved countries just before Covid and now WFH, with very scant childcare and a DH who travels a lot for work — but I have good friends and acquaintances becoming friends. I do put effort into making and keeping them, but it’s more than repaid itself. I had a significant birthday yesterday in slightly difficult circumstances I won’t go into, and the friends who dropped around with presents and flowers were all people I’ve only got to know over the last couple of years. I was very touched.

I suggest outings, invite people over for dinner (even though we’re camping out in a semi-renovated wreck), I remember what people tell me, try new things (one of my nicest new friendships emerged from a school dad suggesting I go to hot yoga with him). I make time to talk to friends living in other countries. I’m genuinely interested in people, though I’m not indiscriminate — I’m fussy about who my friends are.

The other thing I would say is not to write off men as friends if you’re a woman. Some of my most rewarding and interesting friendships have been with men.

I absolutely get that having children with disabilities is potentially isolating, though.

I have no friends to send messages to asking if they want to see shows etc.

I can't work due to being full time cater for son.

I can't afford to pop back often to where I originate from and when I do I have nobody there willing to look after my disabled son.

Life is not easy

Happy to message/penfriend via Mumsnet or WhatsApp anyone - just let say hi.
39, one hormonal preteen child. Live in the Scottish Highlands.

@clpsmum I get your points and I am only trying to give practical suggestions as this thread is about people saying they can't make / haven't made friends despite wanting to.

Good luck to you, I hope things get easier.

I have friends from school but they live in different parts of the country and I see them once or twice a year. Not the same as someone local who you can meet for coffee on an ad-hoc basis.
Work colleagues mostly fizzled out once we no longer had work as the common bond. The ones I am still in touch with again, it's 2 or 3 times a year I see them.
The friends I made with other parents when my DC were little have either moved away or fizzled out when DC moved to different schools and stopped being friends. Never made friends with parents at primary school level beyond polite chat in the playground (and don't know how you make friends with primary school parents if you both work during the day ).
I volunteered for years (PTA, Brownies, local community group) but none of these people became friends out of the group.

I had a lot of friends before I had children. I think once you you have young children and work, you are too busy or too tired to keep friendships going during the week, and weekends are prioritised for family time and getting on with chores. Then when your children are old enough that you have more time, you've lost touch with old friends (or they've moved on) and it's a questions, as per OP's post of not knowing how to start again. I also find 40s and 50s very hard for the "just join a group" sort of advice. I find that groups are aimed at younger people (e.g. sports group, random socialising groups) or those aged 60+. Whilst I have no problem with meeting younger or older people, I find I have more in common with those closer to my own age.

Perhaps I can throw the question back to you and ask how you think you have maintained friends when this thread shows that others have not managed? One answer might be that you live in a close community where people tend not to move away and that you don't work full time? Or perhaps that by "friends" you mean someone you can see and have a 5 minute chat with, rather than something closer?

Maintaining friendships is hard work particularly if they move away or have young kids. At least one of you needs to be really determined and organised and potentially willing to travel to meet up. It’s easy to feel you have friends if you have connections on social media or text sometimes but these are not really meaningful friendships. We are both better connected than ever before but also more lonely. As PP said you can make friends via NCT or school stuff but you are fortunate if they are also people you would have chosen to befriend, rather than it just being convenient. I think it’s another area where women end up sacrificing things for family life. It’s easy to see friendships as the lowest priority and dispensable but long and meaningful friendships take years to cultivate. Many end up quite satisfied like that although may struggle with empty nest syndrome, but others come out of the early child raising years wondering why they have no friends.

Yes I'm in the same boat!
Older than you, but same situation.
I have had so many friends over the years and even when I moved south to north without knowing anyone other than my partner, I managed to make some friends.

Now, I'm menopausal and quite different as a person. Easily bored, irritated etc etc and prefer my own company I think.

I've done volunteering and made friends through that.

I have always had difficulties making friends. I found it difficult to 'fit in'. I also thought I was somewhat 'abnormal' because I did not want to go out socially. I was quite happy with quiet evenings in, with a good book and my cats.

I did get married and had children, and I work in an occupation that brings me into contact with other people. However, I never wanted to meet up after work, go to parties and so on. I just wanted to get home, spend time with my family, and relax.

Over the years, I have realised and accepted that I am a little asocial. I like people, and I can mix if I have to, but generally, I do not need the sort of social life and friendship groups that perhaps are very important to other people.

I do not have a friend. I have many people with whom I am friendly, but no special friend. What is more important is that I am happy with that. To be honest, if I had a packed social diary, I would find it very stressful.

There have been quite a few threads on here over the months from people feeling upset that they’ve been dropped and treated like an afterthought by friends after they had kids

the general consensus was to get over it, and just accept cancellations and lack of invites and failures to text back because “family time” or “just so tired” “mum friends have more in common” or “my husband is my best friend”

so it’s like, what are many people supposed to do? Be constantly let down whilst having to grin and bear a one sided friendship, or just move on and find people who actually want to spend time with them?

im no blaming you or saying this is yojr situation OP, but there is a massive issue with people having families and essentially dropping the friends they don’t think are important anymore

I went through several years of having no friends when I was a single working mum years ago.
It was absolutely gutting I wondered what was wrong with me.
Facebook saved me really, there was no facebook round when I was a young mum and I lived in the southeast which quite honestly I find unfriendly, people just don't want to talk there.
Anyway I started by joining groups on facebook to do with my interests, chatting with people about common interests and then arranging to meet up. Also sending friend requests to people I was speaking to and posting fairly regularly - positive things.
I moved to the west country and found people much more friendly, joined lots of local groups of interest, gardening, local pagan moots, crochet knitting, miniaturist groups and it all took off from there.
You have to be really proactive or it won't happen and make a big effort to smile and be friendly and ask people about themselves, I practised at home.
I also decided never to turn down an invitation.
I hope this is helpful.

I have to say, I'm kind of glad I discovered this thread, as it makes me feel less alone!

DD is 17 and has ton of friends ( as I did at that age)
DS 14 is far more selective and keeps his friends to about 2!

I think it is harder to make friends when you are older.
I have kept in touch with one school friend and one really old work colleague. Everyone else is an acquaintance.

Although I work 5 days a week, my plan is to do some voluntary work at this weekend. Not sure what going, but in going to do it.

I guess you have to make the effort really. Get yourself involved in things which interest ( hard but achievable I think 🤔) .

Best of luck 🤞

Where are you located op ?

The WhatsApp group is a brilliant idea OP. It’s been done before on here, and I met my 2 best friends that way. Give it a go, we’d definitely recommend it!

@mrsparsnip I am the same.
Friendly with people, but no solid friendships any longer with whom I meet up with regularly.

Indeed a packed social diary would stress me to the nines!

I find friends dissappear once they have a man

Perhaps I can throw the question back to you and ask how you think you have maintained friends when this thread shows that others have not managed? One answer might be that you live in a close community where people tend not to move away and that you don't work full time? Or perhaps that by "friends" you mean someone you can see and have a 5 minute chat with, rather than something closer?

I moved away from where I grew up in my early 20's but went back often; stayed in touch over the following 30 years via email / text / social media (but via pm, not interested in putting my life out there for everyone to see).

By friends, I mean people that I could literally turn up on their doorstep and know they would drop everything if I were in crisis, and that I would - and have done - the same for. So not just 5 minute chat people at all. And these are people I knew from school and from work especially.

I think I am genuinely interested in people and find them fascinating, conversations with people often make me feel really energised.

I'm interested you asked me this, when something takes what you perceive as taking little effort because you have that underlying interest it doesn't feel like hard work, so I find it fascinating that it can be seen as difficult to do.

There is more of us out here in a similar situation to you.

I don't either. I have some mum friends who will chat while watching the DC.

I feel boring and uninteresting.

Luckily I have 3 sisters and we're close.

Oh, and to @Hunderland who wanted to know how people didn’t make friends/ keep friends, my reasons are below.
I was bullied at my small secondary (25 pupils a year) and didn’t make any friends so no one to keep in touch with.
I made friends at uni but left after a traumatic event and didn’t feel up to maintaining those links.
Friends made via my XH dropped us both on divorce as they “didn’t want to choose sides” although it wasn’t at all acrimonious.
2 friends met through social activities. One died young, one cutcontact in my second pregnancy because she was struggling with infertility.
Work- I’ve always been in a senior position so no “peers” to socialise with. I have to be the boss, not a friend.
Through kids I’m friendly with a few mums but they already have their social circle so it’s never progressed beyond play dates. Plus with work I’ve less opportunity to chat in the playground as 1) im only occasionally at pick up/ drop off and when I am im rushing in late, or rushing to work.

@Hunderland I guess I'm partly old fashioned and don't see keeping in touch by social media as really being in touch! So I do have the sort of friends that you describe (the sort I've known for years and know they would drop everything for me) but we don't see each other in person that often. What I don't necessarily have is, as a poster said up thread, a group of local friends that I could email if I wanted to go to a show with someone. Or someone I would meet or coffee and a chat for a couple of hours. And I never turn down an invitation, but that's not very difficult if you never have invitations in the first place.

I think Covid and wfh have brought some of this to the fore. I consider myself sociable but not really an extrovert. So working in a busy office meant I had 100s of small interactions with others every week which satisfied my "sociability" requirement. It's much harder to make these sort of small social connections, which sometimes turn into a wider friendship, if you are wfh.

@MissMaple82 yep agree 100%
My best friend literally has gone weeks without even asking about me, since the new man arrived on the scene!

@redskyatnight but the contact, whatever medium it's through, is not the key point. The friends I invited to the show I did via WA but obviously on the night we'll chat in person. Those I met when all our first borns were just weeks old at an ante natal group, 20 years ago.

Another friend I met this week who had moved away (in the UK) messaged to say they were in my area and would I be free, I was, and we had a lovely day out. I met her at work about 15 years ago.

One friend who lives abroad FB'd me to say she was coming home for a few weeks soon and would I like to meet up and I said definitely yes. We used to go clubbing as teens so I've known her at least 35 years.

So we are all contacting each other.

I don't know. Maybe I attract those people / those people attract me.

But of those three examples only the first live near me so it's not just that.