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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be 40yrs old & not have any friends?

127 replies

FreshDoughDaily · 29/07/2022 19:41

Probably wrong topic but I guess more traffic occurs here.
How do you make and maintain friends?
I seem to have no life really other than parenting, housework, walking the dogs & meeting everybody else's needs.
I don't have any friends and don't seem to know how to find any?
Any advice?

OP posts:
Parmavioletsweets · 30/07/2022 19:13

Quite a few people have suggested a WhatsApp group so I will start one. If you can DM me your number I will add everyone. I will start it tomorrow to give people time to reply.

If one has already been started can I be added please? I am 40, have a 3 year old girl and no friends at all so the only people I speak to are my sister, colleagues and DP. I'm in Yorkshire but happy to chat to anyone.

Zoopet · 30/07/2022 20:14

Also look online for your local NWR group.
I moved from the South East to the North East and didn't know anyone.
I messaged the local group and joined.
Made some great new friends.
Good luck!

lookthisway · 30/07/2022 20:15

I'm wondering whether a discord server would be more appropriate for your group chat. I do think friendships become harder as you get older, people change and their priorities change, sometimes despite your best efforts people drift away or even ditch you. I find making new friends as an adult takes a lot of time as you no longer have the intensity of school or university to forge fast bonds. One good friend of mine didn't become a good friend until after about three years of knowing her! I'm always open to making new friends.

ellebelli · 30/07/2022 20:19

l am 44 and have no friends,I spend all my time with my partner but i would love to have a good friend i could text about celebs and tv shows and everything and anything in between!
I have a childhood friend but every time I suggest meeting for lunch she never confirms so now i have decided to just stop bothering, it is a lonely feeling-I worry that if something happened to my partner i would be totally alone.
I would love to join a Whatsapp group and maybe we can find friends local.

CaveMum · 30/07/2022 20:37

Another in the same boat here! Had very few friends at school and we all drifted apart afterwards (pre mobile phone days!). I had a group of similar aged friends at work and while we all lived and worked in the same area we met up several times a week, but inevitably people moved away over time.

Me and one other lady stayed in the area, became very close, supported each other through weddings, pregnancy and the baby years but totally out of the blue last year she ghosted me. I have no idea why and only discovered it when I realised she hadn’t sent me a happy birthday message on my 40th. When I tried to make contact to check she was ok I found she had blocked me on all social media and also blocked my phone number. We had been messaging as normal just the week before!

Long story short I was very upset, 20 years of friendship thrown away and I have no idea why.

With some gentle pushing from DH, I reached out to the other mum’s at school and asked if anyone fancied a regular monthly meet up for dinner/drinks. To my surprise loads of them agreed and we now go out once a month! The group varies as to who is able to attend but I had several of the mums approach me privately to thank me for organising as they were in a similar boat to me - few friends and no local family.

I will also add that I have 2 groups of Mumsnet friends that I am in daily contact with via social media. We live all over the world but met here and bonded over TTC/infertility. Those women are my rock: my shoulder to cry on and the first people (bar DH!) that I share any news with. We’ve been through so much together, TTC, infertility, pregnancy, childbirth, babies, toddlers, etc as well as infidelity, divorce and death. If you can find yourself a similar tribe you’ll never be alone!

Runaround50 · 30/07/2022 21:51

@LadyPenelope68 I'm in the same boat, but a TA.
Going through a menopause from hell, the long school holidays and family very far away. It's very tough.

Sorry to hear about your mum x

prettygirlincrimsonrose · 30/07/2022 23:19

Can really relate to a lot of this (37 with a 4 year old and a 1 year old). I've got old friends in other parts of the country and it's lovely when we see each other but I don't have any regular chats going really. I've tried to chat to other mums from nursery but feel like I don't come across well.

Itsadoglife · 31/07/2022 00:00

Wow so many people in the same boat for many different reasons.

If someone is setting up a WhatsApp group - I'd definitely like to join 😇

It could be a mammoth task for anyone taking it on though 🤔

BobbinThreadbare123 · 31/07/2022 00:07

I'm in a similar boat. I don't have any children though so no mum friends avenue for me. Dog died a while ago. I've moved and not made any friends in my area (pandemic didn't help as I'd only been here a year or so). Work is almost all men and I'd like some female mates! Like a PP I lost a lot of pals post-divorce; bit pathetic of them but there you go! I'm in S Lakes area if anyone is about?

Mumof3girlsandaboy · 31/07/2022 01:47

I’m in the same boat and happy to join WhatsApp group. I’m 42 and my only bestie I had moved to Spain and here I’m all alone .

gillys · 31/07/2022 02:15

I’m 53, married, one grown up daughter. Barely any friends, couple of acquaintances. Definitely up for joining a WhatsApp group chat
one thing I do is volunteer at my local church for a social group for elderly people, so I could call them my friends but the average age is about 80 !

mackthepony · 31/07/2022 02:32

It's hard work.

mackthepony · 31/07/2022 02:33

Posted too soon.

You really have to work at it - it's like dating really. Arranging dates, follow up, actually going to meet the person etc etc. All upkeep

NameAlreadyTaken16 · 31/07/2022 02:48

Could have wrote this myself. Under 40 and luckily have one close friend. Over the years everyone else has moved away or one thing or other. One of my oldest friends id know since primary school took a dislike to DH couldn't give me a reason why tho 🙄

Made friends with colleagues and lost touch tho, im not on social media so that doesn't seem to help and most people talk through that now.

Only really have 1 really close friend that I go visit that I've known since we were teenagers. Would be nice to have more friends but thankful I have 1

JulesGeebee · 31/07/2022 07:12

So many of us in the same situation! I would like to join a WhatsApp! @Parmavioletsweetsare you still doing?

Lulu1919 · 31/07/2022 07:18

I have a few that I made through work but we don't have any couple friends ....nobody to invite round for dinner or arrange to meet at a pub etc
I miss that

Do you belong to any groups..gym walking etc ?

LadyPenelope68 · 31/07/2022 07:39

@Runaround50
oh god, yes, add the menopausal hell to the list as well. Are we the same person 🤣

AperolWhore · 31/07/2022 07:42

@FreshDoughDaily do you have city social in your area? Download the app and it gives you events / meet ups for people looking to make friends.

i used it years ago and made some friends for life.

Readytostartagain · 31/07/2022 10:09

So many of us in the same situation! Early 50s menopausal. I would like to join a WhatsApp! @Parmavioletsweetsare you still doing?

BookWorm45 · 31/07/2022 11:47

Interesting thread - lots of us in the same situation, including me.

I think to build up friendship (or to maintain close friendship) it's necessary to be able to meet up with the friend and have time together, on a regular basis, say every 2 weeks or at least every month. If that isn't possible, it's really hard to ever build that friendship.

I've found there have been lots of reasons why at different times of our lives, friends have drifted away or maybe I've drifted away - could include -
demanding job which means someone is just exhausted at weekends, can't meet up in the week due to long hours or timings that can't be known in advance;
new baby / new marriage / change in relationships such as becoming the carer for an elderly parent;
moving house so not as easy to meet up;
illness / ongoing ill health which means not easy or possible to do things that someone used to do.
senior role at work which means it's not possible to be close personal friends with team members (as you have to do their appraisal etc) and peers at work are also likewise stretched and busy

The problem is, how to fix any of this ! I feel I'd like to make some changes but not quite sure where to start, especially when available time is limited. Meeting up on a Sunday would be my ideal but for a lot of people or groups/ clubs, this doesn't seem to suit their preferences.

Horatioshelmet · 31/07/2022 12:12

There was a thread like this years ago and someone set up a Facebook group. It’s called chuMNs. It’s gone pretty quiet but could do with some new blood.

feistyoneyouare · 31/07/2022 16:23

Horatioshelmet · 31/07/2022 12:12

There was a thread like this years ago and someone set up a Facebook group. It’s called chuMNs. It’s gone pretty quiet but could do with some new blood.

That sounds interesting. I'm also on a WhatsApp group that came from a thread like this, but has gone a bit quiet. I'll see if the mods are keeping it on, though, as it'll probably liven up if we get some new faces.
In the meantime I'd be interested in joining if a new group is set up! I'm in my 50s and have sadly been forced to re-evaluate some of my friendships recently. Would be good to have a few new people to chat to.

Darktimes35 · 31/07/2022 19:34

I’m in a similar boat. I’m late 30s. I’ve tried bumble and nothing much has come of it. Peanut seems to be a lot of people locally with very young babies. I’ve two kids with disabilities and both attend specialist schools out of area. I work FT from home and we’re all in geographically different areas. There’s not much in the way of groups unless I want to re-join the gym, and I don’t massively. I feel embarrassed I have no friends as I’m quite shy and it has been an ongoing issue throughout my life.

DavesSpareDeckChair · 31/07/2022 20:01

Zoopet · 30/07/2022 20:14

Also look online for your local NWR group.
I moved from the South East to the North East and didn't know anyone.
I messaged the local group and joined.
Made some great new friends.
Good luck!

Never heard of it before, thanks for the tip 👍

feistyoneyouare · 31/07/2022 20:10

Darktimes35 · 31/07/2022 19:34

I’m in a similar boat. I’m late 30s. I’ve tried bumble and nothing much has come of it. Peanut seems to be a lot of people locally with very young babies. I’ve two kids with disabilities and both attend specialist schools out of area. I work FT from home and we’re all in geographically different areas. There’s not much in the way of groups unless I want to re-join the gym, and I don’t massively. I feel embarrassed I have no friends as I’m quite shy and it has been an ongoing issue throughout my life.

I think you're far from being alone there! I can definitely empathise - I'm shy too, and experience social anxiety in some situations, and it does make it harder. So does wfh, which I also do, and mostly love, but it does make me feel a bit cooped up at home sometimes. I don't think it says anything about a person's inherent likeability, more about life circumstances, changes etc - modern life feels so 'fragmented' sometimes, even though social media can make it easier to meet people.