To be 40yrs old & not have any friends?

FreshDoughDaily · 2022-07-29T18:41:20+00:00

Probably wrong topic but I guess more traffic occurs here. How do you make and maintain friends? I seem to have no life really other than parenting, housework, walking the dogs & meeting everybody else's needs. I don't have any friends and don't seem to know how to find any? Any advice?

Confusedabout · 29/07/2022 19:44

No advice, but just to say I'm in the same boat. Its lonely 🙁

MenonC · 29/07/2022 19:45

Hiya! Me too, had lots of friends when I was younger before kids but none now really. No advice I'm afraid other than perhaps joining some groups/hobbies if you have the time or energy...

MereDintofPandiculation · 29/07/2022 19:48

Basically, get involved in a shared activity that you enjoy. Other people who also enjoy it have at least one thing in common. So could be voluntary work, something social like WI, an educational class if any exist. Takes at least a couple of years to go from acquaintance to friend. If you’re shy, the voluntary route is useful, by which I mean something where you have a definite role, so that people need to speak to you for your role.

looking at your busy life - try chatting with other dog owners as a start.

paulmccartneysbagel · 29/07/2022 19:49

I could've written this. It's really been getting me down lately. Summer holidays seem to be magnifying it for me.

I've started applying for part time jobs that are workable around school drop off/pick ups.

honkeytonkwoman38 · 29/07/2022 19:49

I do know you have to work at it. Those evenings when it's easier to stay in you have to say ' fancy a wine'? 'Fancy meeting up Saturday'? You have to be brave.

Manzi · 29/07/2022 19:50

How old are your children?

Original poster

FreshDoughDaily · 29/07/2022 20:35

Thanks for the advice. Sorry to hear about others in the same boat. I did wonder if some Mumsnetters wanted to start messaging, a bit like penfriends did when we were younger? But then guessed it seemed a bit wanky🙄
DC are nearly 13 & 14.
I do work 21hrs a week but colleagues live a bit far away and are busy with their own lives. I guess I do need to be brave don't I?

OP posts:

Sometimeswinning · 29/07/2022 20:43

I have a big friendship group. All through effort and rejection!! Happy to message on here until you find your place!

HerRoyalNotness · 29/07/2022 20:46

Me also. I have a couple friends in different countries, none where I am really. I volunteer at a club but it hasn’t translated into being friends outside the club. I’m pretty sure it’s me.

AtSomePointInLife · 29/07/2022 20:48

49 and no friends.

Have a good job, dh and 2 children but apart from that I don't have any close friends and I really feel that no one likes me.

Met friends through dh but for some reason after a few months they keep their distance. I probably don't try hard enough but I'm just being me.

Pebblebeach15 · 29/07/2022 20:49

I am 45 and in a very similar position . Would love to message if you would like .

paddingtonstares · 29/07/2022 20:55

Hi OP, do you have any dog groups locally? We have a number of groups, breed specific, umbrella terms, ( sighthounds, snow dogs, big breed, rommies etc) if you are on social media have a look. I've made friends that way. Dog training or interest..canicross, mantrailing, agility, hoopers..your dog and you may find new friends that way.

TheLionTheWitchAndTheChesterDraws · 29/07/2022 21:18

I think that a good place to start is knowing who you are. What is your character? What do you enjoy? It’s all very well casting a wide net, but if you want to find your mates, they’ll want to know who you are.

denbigh · 29/07/2022 22:33

Hi OP, I feel you, had friends who I thought the world of but after a horrible year realise that they aren't really my friends and having no friends is better than fake ones..
Happy for you to message me through MN I quite like the idea.. I am having the self doubt and feeling inadequate..driven by loneliness, apart from work and my mum I barely speak to anyone else and its starting to wear me down..

PeachMelba78 · 29/07/2022 22:40

I could have written this - I reach out to my few friends but they don’t want to meet up or even chat on the phone. In work I am very successful and popular, but outside of work it just doesn’t translate. And although my neighbours are lovely I don’t really have anything in common with them.
I still suspect that some people are intimidated by me (I am regularly touted as an inspirational role model) but I just want a friend to talk about fashion and celeb silliness and share family news etc with. I just feel so low and lonely, not close to family either which doesn’t help.

Salie68x · 29/07/2022 22:50

Really know where you are coming from. Have a couple of people that I supported through difficult times, for many years, but were no where to be seen when I needed a bit of support.
I haven't fallen out with them, but have taken a big step back. I am no longer willing to be the go to therapist, taxi driver, delivery service or shoulder to cry on.
Have thought about joining an evening class. Would just like someone to have a bit of a chat with, text occasionally and be mildly interested in my life. Not rocket science you'd think, but not easy.

IncessantNameChanger · 29/07/2022 22:51

I will be your pen friend OP

I do find it's harderto make lasting friends as you get older.

I have tried really hard to make connections with my dd school but no luck. It's o join an established group and try that way. I do a dog walking group with my secondary sons school and although I dont feel like I have made individual friends I do really enjoy everyones company in the group and we have a good laugh on the walks

90redbaloons · 29/07/2022 22:55

Another person here who totally relates and feels the same way, I moved numerous times over the years and lost touch with so many people and I also seem to be the type of person who attracts one sided not so nice people
I've tried putting myself out there but the friendships never move beyond acquaintance stage. Sadly I think this is becoming more and more common. Feel free to message me if you would like to

MandrakesMum · 29/07/2022 23:08

Also up for a chat if anyone fancies it

Making friends is so hard when you get older. I just want a couple of people to chat about utter crap with occasionally, wagather Christy, what to have for tea, what ever random thing I'm binging on Netflix or something funny DD did/said but I literally have no one who drops me the odd message to see how I'm doing and it's getting depressing.

I used to be fairly social but the less I have people to chat to, the worse I'm getting at making acquaintances to chat to.. a vicious spiral into loneliness.

paulmccartneysbagel · 30/07/2022 00:00

MandrakesMum · 29/07/2022 23:08

Also up for a chat if anyone fancies it

Making friends is so hard when you get older. I just want a couple of people to chat about utter crap with occasionally, wagather Christy, what to have for tea, what ever random thing I'm binging on Netflix or something funny DD did/said but I literally have no one who drops me the odd message to see how I'm doing and it's getting depressing.

I used to be fairly social but the less I have people to chat to, the worse I'm getting at making acquaintances to chat to.. a vicious spiral into loneliness.

That's it. It's chatting about the random crap that I long for! I sometimes compose a message to someone and then just delete it, because I overthink it and worry they will just think I'm weird? I guess a lot of it is my own social anxieties.

I have a habit of keeping people at arms length as I worry I will just overstep the mark and embarrass myself.

Hunderland · 30/07/2022 02:07

I find this really hard to understand - this is a genuine question - did you all not meet people at school you kept in touch with? Or work? Or via your kids? Or through your family, or your other half? Or your own interests?

Those of you who are married / in long term relationships, you obviously can keep a friendship/ partnership going for years; why was it different with people other than your partner?

As I said, genuinely interested to hear the answers - definitely not trying to be rude.

cornishcrusader · 30/07/2022 02:30

I find this really hard to understand - this is a genuine question - did you all not meet people at school you kept in touch with? Or work? Or via your kids? Or through your family, or your other half? Or your own interests?

I keep in touch with people from school, although those that I am closest too live in other countries now.

I think in my case it is having disabled children (now adult) that has made me somewhat friendless. When they were young all invitations from friends stopped although of course it would have been almost impossible to accept invitations anyway. No school gate as they went to special schools some distance away and have always had to work from home so I can be there to look after them. Although I am happily married I do not have any biological relatives so I do find life very lonely at times.

changzi · 30/07/2022 02:44

My good friends are mostly old school friends as well as friends through my religion, which doesn't help if you're not a person of faith.

My mum in her 80s has such a social life, despite moving to a new town when she downsized her home. I have observed that she joins every club and group going, she's in book clubs and walking groups and yoga groups and dinner clubs and she volunteers and all sorts of things. She said she never turns down an invitation which I'm sure helps.

If you don't have time to get out and do your own activities/hobbies I think it's very very hard. A lot of mothers are in that position.

PeachMelba78 · 30/07/2022 06:47

Hunderland · 30/07/2022 02:07

I find this really hard to understand - this is a genuine question - did you all not meet people at school you kept in touch with? Or work? Or via your kids? Or through your family, or your other half? Or your own interests?

Those of you who are married / in long term relationships, you obviously can keep a friendship/ partnership going for years; why was it different with people other than your partner?

As I said, genuinely interested to hear the answers - definitely not trying to be rude.

For me it’s that I have children with additional needs and a partner who also has an additional need so trying to meet up with people can be really difficult. I work full time and volunteer too, and I appear to be liked. But I don’t live near school friends, my only Uni friend ghosted me (I know she wanted kids and it doesn’t seem to have happened so I can only assume it’s that plus we don’t live near) and my other close friends are moving away apart from one who is my rock. I’m estranged from my sister who I used to have a great friendship with. Now I WFH and I don’t want to be friends with anyone at work because it’s not really an option in my role. But I also think that as I am so busy people think that I have everything I need. I would love to meet a friend for dinner but when I reached out to 3 of them they were all non-committal.
Meanwhile my partner goes to the gym a couple of times a week, sees friends and is close to family and friends even though they live far away.
I don’t want to be friends with just anyone, I want to click with them but equally I don’t want to have to do all the running.
As my kids get older I find I do have more time now but no friends to spend it with. Plus most of my friends are childless so they don’t understand children with autism and sensory issues.
Sorry for the rambling.

Afterfire · 30/07/2022 06:51

I don’t have any friends. I’m 41. I haven’t kept in touch with anyone from school. We just drifted apart and lost touch. I keep my social media etc super private and don’t really want people searching for me. I’m not really interested in talking to people from 20 odd years ago. Part of my lack of friends is due to my illness and disabilities, I don’t have a lot of energy and the energy I do have I put into time with my dc and dh. I’d like to have a couple of casual friends to message occasionally but I’d hate to have any sort of pressure to meet up regularly etc. I just couldn’t commit to that.