What is the obsession with encouraging children from 18+ to move out? Why not live together?

[SoloPolox]

I understand the importance of independence and feel someone doesn't need to live in their own home to be independent. I understand that later down the line when adult children get married and have children, it might not be realistic for everyone to live in the same house although even then, I'd like to think with some open mindedness and flexibility that it could work and has many benefits (in addition to cons of course). But I don't understand why we encourage adult children to live on their own? Obviously there are those who enjoy it which is a different thing. But I just read a story today about a young woman who took her own life even though she had a 9 month old due to experiencing abuse from her partner. It appeared she lived on her own with the baby at the time. I can't help but think that had she been living with her parents perhaps things may have looked very different. The elderly can often feel lonely, and I imagine would feel less so if living with or very close to children and grandchildren. Mothers are finding it hard to raise children on their own for a lot of the time whilst their husbands are at work (not exclusively husbands at work), and both Mother and child would do much better with the regular support of grandparents. I'm not taking into consideration those with strained relationships and difficult personalities where the distance is required, and I know it's not always logistically easy due to careers and other commitments. But I do feel there are many that could benefit from this but it seems to be frowned upon?

I am in my mid 20s, and I can only afford a space for me and my children in a fairly grotty shared house, its not ideal but it works for now.
But I am one of nine children, if we all lived at home with our parents as adults with partners that would be 20 people in a 4 bed, and thats without our children.
As it is me and my kids could not physically live at home if we wanted to.
I love my family and love spending time with them but even the houseshare with 4 sets of random people feels roomy and calm after spending any time at home.

Adult DS and I have talked about this. I don’t want another relationship in my life and he has Aspergers and just isn’t interested in relationships full stop, so no issue there. I have a large house so plenty of space. He cooks for himself and does his own washing, helps with cleaning. We’ve got 2 wages coming in, which in these times is very helpful. He has lived out, he worked abroad, but covid stopped that. He hasn’t ruled out working abroad again in future. But for now, it works having him here. It’s run like a house share. I don’t “mother” him. There would be absolutely no point in him moving out and paying off someone’s else’s mortgage and me having to get in a lodger to help with my costs. We live in London so him buying here isn’t going to happen. Nothing is set in stone but it’s all good right now.

It does. Family member can't go on holidays unless the family with kids went for holidays. Actually families. They proper guilt trip her as well if she mentions going somewhere.
While she claims she doesn't mind really, others do. She spent life caring for everyone and instead of having at least somewhat peaceful retirement she will care for everyone until the day she dies.

@whatkatydid2013

That's all sensible and good for your DCs that you have schooled them well in this but this isn't really what I mean when I talk independent thinking/living.

I'm not only talking about the practicalities of looking after yourself: that can be learned. I'm really talking about the broader business of seeing yourself as a person who functions outside of a "unit", whether that be your birth family or your new married family unit or a commune or whatever.

I think this is particularly important for girls: because of the way society has generally been organised, both sexes were historically very focused on their roles in this matrix: the function of a girl was basically to look after children and support men so until quite recently almost everything girls were taught to do related to this. Consequently boys became pretty helpless at those basic tasks because there was always a woman around to do this, whether it was the mum or the girlfriend/wife.

I think its really important for girls growing up to spend some years when they are not 100% focused on things which relate to maintaining a home or family.

Like doing a self-indulgent gap year in Nepal or working at a petrol station or playing in a band or whatever it may be. It doesn't really matter. Just as long as it isn't an extended apprenticeship for looking after men. Aside from the fact that these things might develop into something more interesting, it just helps anchor you as a person whose function extends beyond caring for others.

I understand all the reasons people choose to separate their households when they are adults.
But it has to be said that when what OP suggests is done, and in many cultures around the world it is, we will solve a lot of childcare + elderly care problems. People are sacrificing the care of their most vulnerable in order to live 'freely'.

It's a choice and I couldn't live with my parents myself.
The idea here is it shouldn't be frowned upon. And, I agree - it shouldn't.

I think with huge energy price increase and houses rocketing beyond average wage affordability it makes perfect sense to pool resources more with extra adults

I think that’s fine. But, having had all the cons of having to raise my own child alone with no adult support, I’m buggered if I’m not having the pros of living alone as she goes off into the world.

And so it continues.

We need much bigger houses for this!

Multi generational living has its place but I think all young people should live independently for at least a couple of years from 18-30.

For financial reasons it will become much more common in the future.

I grew up in a multi-generational household. It was horrible — overcrowded, no privacy, my mother (who married in) servicing the needs of the older generation at the expense of her own sanity, her marriage and her children. She called my grandfather ‘Mr X’ to his dying day.

I agree with @RhubarbCheekbones and the other poster above that multigenerational households often involve the exploitation of women who end up doing unpaid caring work at the expense of their health and economic wellbeing. It's food for thought that women are often happiest and healthiest living alone.

I agree in part OP but I think what we need is a culture that encourages more community based living. So generations living together, bigger properties / plots with a couple of families living there (me and a friend talk about pooling resources for a huge old house and dividing it up), older parents maybe living on site with adult children in annex’s or lodges on the grounds etc.

I mean this is all theoretical because the vast majority of people in this country don’t have the physical space for that to happen, not everyone is lucky enough to have a detached or large property and a decent plot to allow multiple adults to live comfortably together.
So theoretically I agree, it couldn’t benefit a lot of society to have more “family” (not necessarily in the strictest sense of the word) style living. But practically, it’s not really doable because you’re living on top of each other in tiny (comparatively) properties all get in each other’s way.

the way our society and lifestyles are now, it’s not that compatible - who wants 4 adults all vying for one bathroom or space in the galley kitchen every day ?

I just want to point out that multi generational living usually means living with your MIL 😁 Imagine MN if that became common here

Because if they don't move out fairly young and learn to deal with a bit of looking after themselves, too often we all remain in the parent/child relationship. I've got an 18 year old, I'm trying to get her to step up and be an adult in the house, take on more tasks- it's exhausting, and takes more time than doing. Yet she's an adult in that she went out last night and came home at 5am. Then will lay in her bed until it's time for work at teatime.

Plus, look at the amount of threads on here where posters are ripped apart for expecting their adult children to pay rent. How long are we actually expected to provide for them for, when they're working, and then possibly not moving out now? At what point do you agree- actually, you're an adult working and living in the house, you need to pay x proportion of the bills and an equal share of the household?

I don't want this relationship with her. I would like a relationship where I'm a person too, not just mum who deals with everything

I want my kids to have freedom from us, just as we want freedom from them.

If you are lucky to have a big house with spare rooms or even floors and second or third bathrooms, then maybe, but this house feels very full already with 4 adults / nearly adults, three smallish bedrooms all next door to each other and only one bathroom.

If one person has a friend / friends over there is only one space to entertain so that means everyone else bunched up in the kitchen or stuck in their bedroom.

I don't want to be party to all the comings and goings of my adult kids (nor their goings on, and comings IYSWIM 😳!!) - it's no life for a 20-something. And I'm sure they don't want that of me either.

Everybody is different but these are my personal reasons as to why I wouldnt do it :
*I left home at 21 because I hated living with my parents, I didn't feel like I had my independence & had to live by thier timetable etc. Also didn't get on with my dad.
*elderly parents can be very difficult to have living with you.
*I love having time alone and my house is my safety bubble. I would absolutely hate to have extended family living with me

Ds takes home just over £1500 a month. His attitude is that if is going to live in a shared house, which is what he can afford, it might as well be my house. He pays keep, but it is less than rent, CTax, bills etc.

Because we actually want to have the house to ourselves at some point. The kids have lives of their own, finished university and then it's time to permanently move out. We still have 2 with us

Plus 20 somethings who cooked and looked after themselves at university turn back into children when they come home (I was folding washing left on the line this morning so i could put mine out, they never cook and they drink my vanilla vodka!)

And people in the countries you praise are very often sacrificing women (and it's nearly always women) to lifetime of domestic servitude.
Romanticising multi generational living in nonWestern countries without acknowledgement of the human cost is pretty racist, jsyk

Yes, well ours isn't.

Agree. It's very clear that when women have more agency and ability to make choices, they don't choose this for themselves. The more financially independent women are, the less they choose this type of life. I see it in my own extended family.

I can't wait for my son to move out! They never clean up, eat everything in sight and say and do annoying things as well as drinking all the alcohol!

He also has an opinion on everything and it's very nice when he's not here.
I do love him and support him, but he needs to be independent next year!

@Classicblunder

It's very clear that when women have more agency and ability to make choices, they don't choose this for themselves. The more financially independent women are, the less they choose this type of life.

Totally. Which is one of the main reasons why its advantageous for girls in particular to get some form of higher education. The longer they are able to stay out of the cycle of having to sacrifice their agency to the needs of the "family" (actually, the needs of men), the less likely they are to choose that life for themselves.

There is certainly a short-term financial incentive for young adults to remain in the family home for longer but let's please not romanticise this as being better for them.

I think this can be a little misleading.

It's still women who end up doing this kind of work, just not necessarily the women we are related to.

Oh god sounds awful. Always having to be on your best behaviour, conforming to your parents rules and ways of living, no true freedom. Grim.