What is the obsession with encouraging children from 18+ to move out? Why not live together?

[SoloPolox]

I understand the importance of independence and feel someone doesn't need to live in their own home to be independent. I understand that later down the line when adult children get married and have children, it might not be realistic for everyone to live in the same house although even then, I'd like to think with some open mindedness and flexibility that it could work and has many benefits (in addition to cons of course). But I don't understand why we encourage adult children to live on their own? Obviously there are those who enjoy it which is a different thing. But I just read a story today about a young woman who took her own life even though she had a 9 month old due to experiencing abuse from her partner. It appeared she lived on her own with the baby at the time. I can't help but think that had she been living with her parents perhaps things may have looked very different. The elderly can often feel lonely, and I imagine would feel less so if living with or very close to children and grandchildren. Mothers are finding it hard to raise children on their own for a lot of the time whilst their husbands are at work (not exclusively husbands at work), and both Mother and child would do much better with the regular support of grandparents. I'm not taking into consideration those with strained relationships and difficult personalities where the distance is required, and I know it's not always logistically easy due to careers and other commitments. But I do feel there are many that could benefit from this but it seems to be frowned upon?

...for himself at PIL House without someone jumping up to do it for him.

I sometimes feel you can spot the people who have never lived alone.

I agree. Dh and I both lived by ourselves from 19 AND in different countries to our families. I believe it does teach you a lot. Even living in sharehouses, not just by yourself, teaches you more independence and how to deal with things. At home, I would ask my parents for help if washing machine eas being weird. Like this I had to find out myself. Just little things, but you know what I mean.
I can also leave DH to do proper big clean every two weeks and he does it well. Better than me maybe😂 Which seems to be something unique based on what I read here.

I didnt say any child, I said a bigger proportion go to uni now

But I agree too many people doing degrees which are a waste of time and money, dont really contribute to the persons overall development and cause delay in them getting a job and earning a good income.

I’m genuinely terrified my daughter will never leave. She only a child still atm but she has zero confidence, is scared of everything, refuses to do anything to look after herself and has awful anxiety. I love her to bits but she’s exhausting.

My kids can move out when they’re ready as long as it’s by the time they’re 30. I have two brothers 37 and 39. 37 year old still lives at home, 39 year old lived there with his gf and daughter until last year!

Great if you have the rooms, bathrooms and loos to house a multigenerational household. My GPs had this, post WW2, with enough bedrooms for growing children, GGPs etc. When GGPs went, in moved older DCs with wives and children. It was seen as duty but it all fell on my GM - washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, intimate care for the GGPs. Shopping she was spared because it was the days when people delivered.

It wasn't that much fun for anyone, least of all her. There were two sitting rooms apart from the kitchen/sitting room, so there was some privacy and a lot of outdoor space.

Not everyone has this space or a run around servant as my GM was. My GP was travelling all over the place so not much use. Not all families get on, especially young adults living with their parents or their parents living their parents. Not all families live close by so having DC back to a place with few jobs/not the jobs they want is ridiculous and limiting.

Living with your parents in your twenties can simply infantilise them, curb their experiences and break up familial relationships. I am sorry that the young girl with her baby was murdered by a violent partner - but you can't extrapolate much from that. Plenty of people are murdered in family homes by violent partners.

I think MN tends to see 18 as a cliff edge when it’s anything but. That notion is based on a couple of generations ago, when people had to marry young to have sex and adult relationships.
Uni is a good way to leave home but if you aren’t of that persuasion, or with those financial means, it’s going to take a few years longer.
I have a 20 year old living at home who isn’t ready to leave yet. I’m ready for my life back but not so much that I’ll throw him out into the world without the means to support himself - and with his measly wage and life skills, we’re a few years off that.
It’s unrealistic to think everyone will reach that by 18:

I don't see any obsession with kicking 18+ out. If anything people are more accepting that older adult kids probably likely to need to live with parents for longer.

Nah, not unique (and bloody shouldn't be) my DH is much better at housework than I am. He lived on his own for 17 years

I certainly hope it is not THAT unique @entropynow ! But it does sometimes sound like it in here

I lived on my own with a period of being back with my parents after uni and found it stifling, despite not being a wild child by any means, and having a great relationship with them.

When I got my own place in my 20s, I thought nothing of heading out to meet friends for a drink at 11.30pm, inviting people over, dating. I didn't do any of those things when I was staying with my parents out of a mixture of respect and not wanting them to analyse everything I did.

I'd like my children to have that carefree time in their young lives, whilst still speaking with them very regularly and letting them know that they are welcome back here at the drop of a hat should they want support with anything.

It depends. My oldest is still only 10, so I don't know how they will turn out. If they remain lovely they can live with me. If they become lazy entitled shits like I read about on here then they can get out and make their own way. This is mine and my husband's home that we worked our arses off for and we deserve peace in our own home. So basically if they choose to treat us like shit, they will be out.

Exactly. Which I think is a bad thing.

I think it’s absolutely optimal for young people to bugger off between 18 and 30. You get different experiences, meet people you wouldn’t otherwise meet, develop your own sense of self and different facets of yourself in a way that you can’t at home, and pay your own bills. You also discover that your parents and community’s world view isn’t the only one.

Remember even the Amish kick out their kids for a year in their teens. I think it’s a natural process of separating from the tribe and establishing yourself as an adult.

All for multi-gen living apart from that, and agree more of it would be a good thing.

Although I would point out kids living a home do also commit suicide, so I’m not sure you should put too much weight on that one case OP.

I left home at 27 and feel I had more independence than my mother who did the same at 18. She was married and had a baby pretty much straight away whereas I had DD at 32

@SecretSnake

But if you work on that it should improve with therapy and activities? Or is she just stuck?

This x1,000. It's shocking how helpless and useless so many young adults are.

I absolutely loved it when my kids were growing up, but I am thrilled to have my life back. My son bought his house last year at 24, and my 22 year old daughter has her own flat. I'm so proud of them and their independent spirits. They are responsible, capable, and actual adults. Not these overgrown children who still have mummy running their lives.

Our 3 all moved out for Uni
Eldest came back for a few months but then got a job
We gave him deposit for flat purchase
We hope to do same for other 2
Can see how the extended family thing could work,but not for us

Nothing like being told at 18 going to uni, that you no longer have a bedroom your sister will be having it and you now get to stay in the spare room when you return from uni in the holidays. Definitely made me feel loved as a young adult.

Then after having children been told “I’ve done my time” which I still find offensive like having children wasn’t nice or great and an inconvenience.

My children will be welcome to live with me forever I literally couldn’t care. I like the idea of society moving more towards building up the village. My village is none existence and it hurts sometimes

I hated living with my dad. The day I turned 18 I moved out into a shared house in supported living never had a penny from him since.

My DD can live with me as long as she wants but I won't be funding her apart from driving lsssons and assistance on the property ladder. I won't be cleaning up after her either.

Multigenerational living is the norm in other places, like India. There it can raise an eyebrow if you live alone, or move out before marriage. Often the sons of the family will not leave at all because when they marry, the woman comes into his family. In my experience many young men in India are emotionally immature which may come from being 'raja beta' (seeing the son as a king who can do no wrong)- it certainly is common that they will work but not do any household tasks. However, there are many emotionally immature people in the UK too so who knows. Some of my indian male friends have the full burden of supporting their family themselves, parents and siblings all, which is a huge responsibility.

Having seen life in India and the UK, I think there is value in living independently, but if your family life is nice, living together can be really warm and supportive (or bloody awful, interfering and controlling if not).

Mine stinks so hopefully will be gone by 18- then I can focus on my Monica from friends style guest room

I'm in London and most of my colleagues and people I know have adult kids living with them as property prices and rents are insane.
It's only really in this country that we judge living at home as an adult. In other countries it is very common and definitely not sneered upon.
Some people seem to forget that buying property was a million times easier in past generations. Now it is very difficult so I would never judge or question anyone still living with family.

Very common in Asian cultures. I know of one Asian family that had 11 people/ 3 generations in a 3bed terrace.

I love the bones of my almost 19 year old DD but I can’t wait for her to move out and go to uni to get a bit of independence and stand on her own two feet.

Just today she left the front door wide open and the dog took himself for a walk, left the tv on pause in an empty living room while she went off to work, took her socks and hoodie off on the sofa and left them there when off to work and made herself beans on toast for lunch leaving the bean encrusted pan next to the dishwasher and grated cheese all over the bench.

She needs to get out from under my feet and go live somewhere where all of the above will either be fine because it’s in her own space and she can treat it how she wants OR she’s sharing it with others who will pull her up on it because coming from me it’s just nagging and causes bad blood.

there’ll always be a place for her here but I don’t think either of us would want it to be forever.