What is the obsession with encouraging children from 18+ to move out? Why not live together?

[SoloPolox]

I understand the importance of independence and feel someone doesn't need to live in their own home to be independent. I understand that later down the line when adult children get married and have children, it might not be realistic for everyone to live in the same house although even then, I'd like to think with some open mindedness and flexibility that it could work and has many benefits (in addition to cons of course). But I don't understand why we encourage adult children to live on their own? Obviously there are those who enjoy it which is a different thing. But I just read a story today about a young woman who took her own life even though she had a 9 month old due to experiencing abuse from her partner. It appeared she lived on her own with the baby at the time. I can't help but think that had she been living with her parents perhaps things may have looked very different. The elderly can often feel lonely, and I imagine would feel less so if living with or very close to children and grandchildren. Mothers are finding it hard to raise children on their own for a lot of the time whilst their husbands are at work (not exclusively husbands at work), and both Mother and child would do much better with the regular support of grandparents. I'm not taking into consideration those with strained relationships and difficult personalities where the distance is required, and I know it's not always logistically easy due to careers and other commitments. But I do feel there are many that could benefit from this but it seems to be frowned upon?

What obsession? Record numbers of young adults are living with their parents, a huge portion of those well into their 20s are still living with their parents when they would have already moved out by then a generation or 2 ago.

I thought the majority were staying till they're in their 30s now 😕

I'm really looking forward to living on my own once dd is off to uni and then hopefully house shares. I don't want to live with another adult, although she will always be welcomed back should she need a home for a while.

Those days sailed years ago. They may go uni but they come back and are stuck.

After parenting for 28 years I do not want my children living with me - I'm done. I want some peace, some space and some freedom. What's hard to understand about that? And I'm sure my children feel the same.

Notmal houses here are too small for that many people. It works when you have multigenerational houses. I wilve in 3 bed semi and absolutely would not manage with my mum and let alone adult sibling as well 😳

Ds came back after his MA in 2018. He still lives at home; we even work in the same office!!

He is saving loads by living at home. He will eventually leave (hopefully before he is 30!).

We infantilise young adults in modern times, its not good for them or society.

Is there an obsession? My sense is that my generation wanted to leave, even if for a grotty flatshare, and this crop of 18 year olds is less likely to do that.

also, property prices.

cross post
yes

so many friends and colleagues with adults in the house for whom they cook, clean, launder.

Offspring are staying at home until later I think mainly due to finances. In many other cultures people don't often leave home until they are married. Im some cultures they still stay - the children spouses and grandchildren all live together.
It's a very western thing for kids to move out young

I think there's a difference between adult children ultimately having no choice but to live with parents as they cannot afford to, vs them staying because everyone would like that and can see the longer term benefits of it

Wouldn’t really be for me, children seem to be babied forever these days.

Can’t imagine DD leaving at 18

PPs are right that moving out at 18 is becoming increasingly uncommon.

But to answer your question at face value and without taking the economic pressures into account: I think its a good thing for young people to have some experience living in a way which isn't either part of their birth family or as a married couple.

Until about 50 years ago it was fairly normal to lurch from living at home to being married with children in the space of a couple of years (maybe a few more years if you went to university). People grew up far too fast, had little time to experiment and learn what made them tick as an independent adult and get to learn who they were. It was school then marriage and settling down.

Young men went from being supported by their parents to being looked after by their wife, young women were essentially required to be carer to their husband and children from their early 20s or younger. There was no room for any independence of thought or action. It must have been unbearably restrictive for an intelligent person.

I think that whole revolution from the 1960s onwards where people spent more time as young, independent, single adults was a really good thing because it freed everyone from these rigid structures. Arguably the pendulum has swung too far now as people seem to struggle with creating a family unit they are well into their 40s.

But I don't want to go back to a world where your entire life is supposed to be spent as part of a family unit. I wouldn't want that for my daughter. I think its really important for people to have some sense of living as a self-sustaining, fully functioning adult without responsibilities to a spouse or children.

Isn’t this why teenagers are awful so we want them to leave? My 14 year old is very much making me wish she was old enough to leave home now 😂😂 (copious amounts of gin are consumed instead, whilst rocking back and forth in the corner)

I’m willing to wager that the young woman who committed suicide did so because of mental health issues and not because she wasn’t living with her parents.
People from all walks of life — from large families to small families to living alone — take their own lives. It’s a pandemic of suicide, but it has very little to do with how many people live with them.
You can feel awfully alone in a houseful of people.

How are they supposed to rent or buy in the Home Counties and south east unless extremely lucky to fall into a very well paid job ?

Genuine question to those say they are being infantilised

Ok maybe stretch to a room in a shared flat but I'd like mine to be able to save a deposit and that would take all their cash.

My daughter moved out at 18 to go to university. At 40 years old or so, she and her partner moved back in with me. They now own the house we live in.

It works for us. We have our own living areas but it means I can contribute to the cost of living for us all, and they can help me with things I can no longer do for myself, including getting up after I have fallen 😁.

For us it's a win/win.

And to be totally honest as others have said, I’m looking forward to having my own space after parenting for years. It’s obviously just what we are use to but I would hate to live with my mum still or have parent In laws living here, or children with husbands etc, short term I could just about do

One example is not evidence of common practice, let alone an 'obsession'.
Almost every adult child I know has had to leave home post uni to get a job. The time post uni varies from a few months to a few years

I think there used to be, I think today the differences are less clear cut because we have created a society where a much bigger proportion of adults go to university than say 40 years ago, this inevitably means that there is a sense that they are not 'grown up' because they come back, dont get jobs, often have gap years and cant move out.

It is perfectly normal to live alone and good for all of us to do it for at least a few years. And not everyone will want to get married/have children, so that's not an automatic thing either. We need to stop infantilising young adults and encourage them to grow up and live their lives.

Thepeopleversuswork "But I don't want to go back to a world where your entire life is supposed to be spent as part of a family unit. I wouldn't want that for my daughter. I think its really important for people to have some sense of living as a self-sustaining, fully functioning adult without responsibilities to a spouse or children."

agree. I sometimes feel you can spot the people who have never lived alone.

OP, I'm sure some people feel there are benefits to adults living with parents but I think it's probably uncommon for everyone in the unit to want that.

It's good for young adults to learn to function by themselves and take care of themselves before they have long-term relationships and children.

Many years ago, when my DH was living in a flatshare with two other guys, PIL used to come and stay nearby occasionally and they would do all his ironing and washing while they were staying and deep-clean the bathroom and kitchen. They are lovely people but I dread to think how useless DH would have been if he'd lived with them until he was 30. He can't even make a coffee

Disagree that any child goes to uni and is then stuck. they become stuck by doing course like media or sport science, pretty useless courses with very limited jobs.

children should be given a springboard at 18 to go into HE or into a job with training which is trade focused. If they aren’t, then you haven’t done enough as a parent.