What is the obsession with encouraging children from 18+ to move out? Why not live together?

[SoloPolox]

I understand the importance of independence and feel someone doesn't need to live in their own home to be independent. I understand that later down the line when adult children get married and have children, it might not be realistic for everyone to live in the same house although even then, I'd like to think with some open mindedness and flexibility that it could work and has many benefits (in addition to cons of course). But I don't understand why we encourage adult children to live on their own? Obviously there are those who enjoy it which is a different thing. But I just read a story today about a young woman who took her own life even though she had a 9 month old due to experiencing abuse from her partner. It appeared she lived on her own with the baby at the time. I can't help but think that had she been living with her parents perhaps things may have looked very different. The elderly can often feel lonely, and I imagine would feel less so if living with or very close to children and grandchildren. Mothers are finding it hard to raise children on their own for a lot of the time whilst their husbands are at work (not exclusively husbands at work), and both Mother and child would do much better with the regular support of grandparents. I'm not taking into consideration those with strained relationships and difficult personalities where the distance is required, and I know it's not always logistically easy due to careers and other commitments. But I do feel there are many that could benefit from this but it seems to be frowned upon?

The obsession I’d like to see the back of us the idea there is one ideal way to do things. Multigenerational living is great if it suits the individuals doing it, but many people want to strike out on their own and there’s nothing wrong with that. In cultures where living with your parents is the norm, you’ll still find many young people who are more independently minded doing their own thing by moving abroad or to another city. I live near an HMO for young professionals and half of the residents are locals - I see them being visited by parents (some even get a family laundry service!), so they obviously get on but value their independence too.

I find the op’s view a bit stifling. If you like it, great, but I don’t need to be encouraged to see the benefits of living with your parents as an adult. It’s not inherently superior to moving out, it wasn’t for me, and I feel very fortunate that due to being born when I was I didn’t need to choose between moving out and ever being able to own a home.

No way could I live with my parents as an adult. After leaving home for uni at 17 I moved home for a year at 19, and that was it - I moved out and never looked back. I lived them and went home for a couple weeks at Christmas but not to live.
My daughter will stay home for her foundation year then off for a degree, and actually I'd be happy if she stayed here afterwards as we get on very well . My son though - he is so high energy and boisterous at 19 that I can only take him for short doses. His personality just takes up the room. He works out every day, cycles a few miles and gets 15-20,000 steps in plus has a job - if he doesn't then he basically vibrates. I can't live with him anymore. But we text or chat every day - and I spend at least one weekend a month with him. Being on his own has taught him self sufficiency.
Sharing a space is not for everyone. I love being on my own.

I think youngsters these days aren't prepared to house-share. In my day we lived 8 to a house and shared all expenses. It was a right of passage.

I have all 4 of my children at home. 1 is moving to a city in September for her first nursing job. My 19 year old doesn't earn enough to move out despite working full time.

My eldest son lived at home until he was 34 then he bought his own house and my youngest son is 27 and is moving into his own house next spring. I have enjoyed them living here even though they slept on separate top floor extension with own shower room and either at work or out with friends most of the time.

My mother’s biggest regret in life… she never got to live alone and be independent. She went from her parents house to being married, having kids, getting divorced and remarried.

She was really close to moving and buying her own house then got sick.

I think multi-generational families have a lot going for them.

But I would say in our culture, a lot of kids are very immature and infantalized right into their 20s. When they stay home, they just keep living like that. It's only when they leave home that they start to really take responsibility for themselves.

My observation is that in cultures with multi-generational homes the younger people are expected to step up to a greater degree. At the same time though there is an expectation of respect for parents, house rules, and such, that is different than in more westernized families.

For most of us there's a vast expanse of life to be lived between the late-teens-completely-getting-on-each-others'-nerves phase and the elderly-and-lonely phase. I'd never force my kids out but I am very much looking forward to the day they do.

I should add, I'd be far more depressed and potentially suicidal if I lived with my mother.

My eldest daughter is 18 in a matter of months and will be off to university next September. I’ve always told my children they are welcome to stay living at home if they are studying locally and it makes financial sense.
why start your life in debt? It doesn’t mean she will be living with me until she’s in her 30’s - 40’s. That’s an overreaction. If my children attend a local university and want to stay at home then that’s fine with me. She has a part tIme job and pays for what she needs herself. She does her own washing and cooking most of the time. She keeps her bedroom immaculate and she knows that if she does decide to stay at home during uni then she must contribute some money towards the home.
it just so happens my daughter is very ambitious and her dream is to study law in London (we live in Kent) and she wants to move out. She’s already looking at accommodation, costs and had a very wise head on her shoulders.
i have another 4 children at home when she moves out and to be honest they will all be told the same.
however, if it gets ridiculous and they’re still here in their mid 20’s, another conversation will have to be had.
My children are being raised to be independent and work for what they want. They aren’t entitled to anything, no one is. It comes down to every parents personal choice.

I’m happy to have the kids at home while they are at uni/completely ting an apprenticeship, and then 2 years after so they can start saving, but after that we intend to sell up and move a few hours away where it’s cheaper to fund our retirement. By then our kids will be 23/24 and quite frankly should be more than capable of standing on their own two feet….

I left home at 17 and DH at 18 so perhaps that has influenced our thinking.

I will not be doing laundry for adult children and I’ll expect them to cook at least once a week each, clean their own bathroom and just generally help out as an adult member of the house. Otherwise they can go sooner.

Yabu
Their ADULTS
They need to learn to Be adults
Not big babies living with mummy and daddy

Honestly I could not have lived the lifestyle I had in my twenties in my parents’ house. I was either at work, in bed or partying. I don’t care if my kids want to live that lifestyle either for a few years but I will definitely not want to live with people coming in at all hours with friends and random shags in tow. Sometimes you just don’t want to know that stuff.

Mine both came back after uni for a few years to save up for houses, but also worked away in between. So it was never a clean cut move out.

DS finally went 3 years ago and DD went last year and DH works away. I love being alone in a tidy house, with no washing, eating what I want and the temperature as it suits me (cool).

DD told me the other day she missed having ironed laundry, and bacon sandwiches after a night shift, shepherds pie when she got in after a late shift and clean sheets and towels, and did I miss her?

I had to tell her, I miss her lots but I don’t want her back!

Privacy
Adult offspring usually want their sexual partners to stay overnight which can be unwanted

Noise, parties, routines, arguments about money, food, tidiness, communal areas, lack of parking, the list is endless.

Adults rightly need to feel they can behave and be treated as adults but parents will always see them as children and there will be a pecking order.

It's a recipe for an unhealthy relationship.

My son has moved out by stealth to live with his girlfriend and I’m sad about it 😢 He’s 19 and I think he’s a bit young tbh. He was spending so much time round there though that he just started moving more stuff over and that’s that. He gets all his post here and comes over to see us and empty the fridge 😀😀 every couple of weeks! I’d still like to see him more though but he’s having a whale of a time whenever we speak on WhatsApp.

I think family dynamics often play a part. I would find it suffocating living with parents/ siblings now.

If you want to ruminate about the benefits of multigenerational living that’s grand but it’s deeply insensitive to try and link in the suicide of a domestic abuse survivor.

The reality is that with the rapidly rising cost of living, more and more will need to come home after university.

I have two DC currently in their teens and still at school. We are assuming that at least one of them will be back with us after university. It isn’t about what they want as much as what is realistic.

If it's possible and financial feasible of course they should be independent. The job of parenthood is to raise your children to be capable adults separate from you.

Just because the economy and other political circumstances mean its getting n harder to achieve, doesn't mean that's not what should happen.

DS left home when he went to University in a city and got a job there afterwards, he wouldn't have got the job he did in our area and would have had a huge commute, staying in the family home is not really a good option for some.

I want them to move out for themselves. To enjoy the freedom and randomness before they settle down. My 20s were great. I lived in over 20 houses, some awful some with brilliant people who are lifelong friends. The hedonism, exploratory activities of all sides, the fun sex and hard work was something I couldn't do living at home!

Continuing to live with adult offspring has to be done thoughtfully - the transition from a parent - dependant child relationship to a relationship of equal adults is very difficult. Too often it does lead either to conflict between the parents who believe that ultimately it's their house, their rules, and the adult-child who wants a genuinely independent adult lifestyle, or "failure to fledge". Where the adult offspring remains in a child/teenage role they are emotionally and practically dependent upon the parent/s and the longer it goes on the less capable of moving out they are psychologically (and this makes lasting romantic relationships - which most adults want - difficult too).

Sometimes it works well - I know one woman who does genuinely seem to have a house share relationship with her two adult children- but usually the relationship stays asymmetrical with parents as "bosses" and adult offspring forever in a late pubescent role, and that's not healthy.

In cultures where "3 generations in one house" is normal the houses are usually set up differently, but additionally the expectations are there from the start and understood. Also there most certainly is real conflict and unhappiness in plenty of households where this is culturally normal- it's different not better or worse.

As others say, sadly living with parents does not prevent anyone, including young mothers who have escaped abuse, from becoming depressed or experiencing pnd or ptsd and attempting suicide.

Agree. Parking in particular - how does the average person feel when a house on their street becomes an HMO with 4 to 6 cars? There are also other factors - help from grandparents is only a thing if they're not working. Some parents are in poor health and don't want an active 3 year old running about for 14 hours a day or babies waking them up.

This, and to add small housing, parents private renting etc. The DC not adding to the pot. There are so many threads on here about charging board. Multi generation living is fine providing all act and pay their way as adults and everyone gets a little privacy.

Parents providing a safety net in emergencies is probably the best a lot can do.