I think my mother lives vicariously through me

[fiercelion]

I think my mother lives vicariously through me. All my life she has pushed me into things that I haven’t chosen for myself including my career options which I have mostly made a mess of. I recently found out the careers she has pushed me into are things she wanted for herself as a young woman.

Recently I have got a new job and am relocating home. She insists on deciding where I should live. She spends all day on rightmove and even goes to look at flats without me. I think this is partly down to me accepting her financial support. Worryingly, she has even looked up hobbies I can take up in my new town.

Whenever I have had a boyfriend, she needs to approve them in terms of how they look, dress and if they are financially stable enough to support me. She demands information and details about our relationship and she even buys me vouchers to buy expensive lingerie. Whenever she meets anybody, however random, she tries to play matchmaker and she asks them if they know anyone to set me up with. It causes me huge embarrassment and
humiliation but she continues to do this at every opportunity. She insists any worthy partner must have their own property and she is obsessed with me meeting and marrying a doctor. I have gotten into the habit of reporting any interaction I have with other people (friends or men I have dated) to her verbatim.

She buys me all my clothes and she also won’t let me travel on public transport because of the pandemic and insists my elderly father ferry me around everywhere. She says that some women are born to be driven, and I somewhat fear this attitude has rubbed off on me.

My brother lives his own life and my parents have withdrawn every sort of support from him as a result and treat him like a traitor.

She doesn’t do anything for herself and says I should be grateful for her self sacrifice and protection. She insists that she does all this because I have "nobody" in my life i.e a partner. She says that we are best friends. Before the pandemic she lavished me with holidays because she says I have no one else to go with, and always made a point to exclude my brother.

Unfortunately I realise I have now become very dependent on her for financial, emotional and social support through the years, but I feel this is because she has intruded in my life and I can now see no way of pushing back without causing offence or being cut off.

I have gotten into the habit of needing her approval for everything, to the extent that I don’t see myself as my own person anymore. I have very low self esteem and feel this is largely as a result of her meddling and interference in my life. How I can improve my relationship with my mother? People write about boundaries, but in my case how do I practically start to implement them? If I build them too abruptly I am worried it will be too obvious. Do you have advice for a gently gently approach? I love her dearly, but something needs to change.
I am a 42 year old woman by the way.

Honestly - move to another country to a house that doesn’t have a guest bedroom.

im not joking…

You’re 42 and your mum buys all your clothes? Blimey, that’s very very odd. I’m assuming you’re otherwise NT and don’t actually need this.

Start by buying your own clothes and not telling her about every single conversation you have.

You're moving, take it as a chance to distance yourself. Why on earth did you even start reporting conversations to her verbatim? And your dad can only ferry you around if you let him know where you're going and when. Stop it at once!

This is not living vicariously through you. This is controlling every aspect of your life. You poor brother as well.
You will have to stop accepting money although I assume it will stop once you say no to all the things you mentioned.

You’ve recognised that this a huge issue, and that’s a big and important step. If I were you, the easiest way to put distance between you and her interference would be to put physical distance between you. Can you move a couple of hours away even? Changing how she is, and how you are, while living right on her doorstep won’t be easy.

You're 42?? I thought you were going to be a new graduate or something.

I think you know the answer to this - stop telling her stuff, stop taking money from her and move as far away as possible. This is so unhealthy and sad, it's abusive and not love.

You do need to assert your independence and break free.

Even the buying all your clothes is too much.

Do you have friends, friendship groups, are you in any societies, do you socialise with work colleagues, do you volunteer anywhere - I would start building up all of these, so you are too busy. Also can you improve your work skills so you can get a better paid job and not need any financial help. Perhaps you could move to a city with public transport so you don't need to rely on your father driving you.

Go through your clothes and decide which you actually like and give the rest to charity.

If you can afford a holiday do a special interest activity holiday / one for solo women.
Build up your friendships with women so you have companions to spend time with.
Read some self-help books from the library. Set some goals of you own.

I’m assuming you’re neuro typical? If so, this really is a worryingly absurd amount of input into every aspect of your life. So much so, that I’m not entirely sure a softly-softly approach will work.

I think you need to move away and go LC really

This is actually quite heartbreaking. OP you need to figure out who you are because it seems like your mum has controlled every aspect of you and your life. It will be a hard habit to break but this is not normal in the slightest.

You are an adult and are entitled to choose to do whatever you want with whoever you want, however you want wherever you want! It seems you have very little identity of your own.

Start thinking about thinks YOU like and go for it, you get one chance at life don't spend it being constantly controlled you will live to regret it when your mum is gone and you have no idea how to live your life without her telling you what to do.

Take care

Oh this is so sad, Everything you have put is a long way from normal but you are only 42 and you don't have to live the rest of your mothers life like this. Start small if you need to, make changes which widen your world. Wish you well

OP, I mean this lightly but with a twinge of seriousness: Norman Bates mother was like that. His inability to cope as an individual separate from his mother, led him down the well known grisly path.

In case you don’t know about Norman Bates, look up Ed Gein, whose life this famous character is based on.

I suggest you start by stopping telling her all your business and by financially extracting yourself from her. You don't need to do it all at once, but be a little vague when she is asking about your interactions with others. Don't give her details. Start buying your own clothes without her input. Start getting the bus without discussing your transport options with her. Pretty much just start living your life as an independent adult in small steps.

I'm ND & would find this suffocating.

Do what I did, move far away, visit every 3 months.

You're worried about causing offence? What about your feelings? Google codependency & enmeshed relationships. Get a good therapist!

It sounds like co-dependency. It’s very unhealthy as you know, and you will need help to unpick it - she won’t like you putting boundaries in place. Maybe some therapy would help?

Agree with pp. You need counselling, and in the meantime look up enmeshment. You'll need to be strong, mind, no doubt your efforts to escape will cause her all sorts of terribleness (in her opinion) but rest assured that'll just be her way of getting you back.

Would you be upset if I told you it was abuse?

The co dependency on both sides is so bizaare OP you must know that. This however will only go on as long as you are letting it. I would suggest some sort of mental health intervention for you then you can deal with her more appropriately. Start small by No Dad thank you I don;t want a lift and do not accept it,phone a cab instead and keep it up, Then I would book a holiday with a pal and put some space between you it will give you some time to reflect.Also never ever ask permission present them with final plans,not up for discussion, You are both at fault here so if you want to break free you need to just do it and hang the consequences.

Do you feel you need to accept her financial help or can you manage on your own?
What does your brother think?

What kind of relationship do you have with your brother?

Nothing will change unless you break away.
Begin by not accepting any more financial help. She can't then hold that over your head.

You’re allowing this. Yes, her behaviour is problematic but you are a grown woman, letting these things happen.

Take control of your life.

www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/
thedawnrehab.com/blog/the-damage-caused-by-covert-incest/
www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/81uqex/can_your_parents_be_abusive_and_buy_you_things/

You need to move away, get therapy and have an open, honest chat with your brother - if he's willing. Don't tell your mum you're in contact with him! Time to reclaim and LIVE your own life.

Stop sharing so much information, be a bit more vague about your plans, get public transport and do not tell them, just step away from them for your own health and well-being.

Stop taking her money even if it makes you poor for a time - she will never loosen her grip on you while you are beholden to her like this.