I think my mother lives vicariously through me

[fiercelion]

I think my mother lives vicariously through me. All my life she has pushed me into things that I haven’t chosen for myself including my career options which I have mostly made a mess of. I recently found out the careers she has pushed me into are things she wanted for herself as a young woman.

Recently I have got a new job and am relocating home. She insists on deciding where I should live. She spends all day on rightmove and even goes to look at flats without me. I think this is partly down to me accepting her financial support. Worryingly, she has even looked up hobbies I can take up in my new town.

Whenever I have had a boyfriend, she needs to approve them in terms of how they look, dress and if they are financially stable enough to support me. She demands information and details about our relationship and she even buys me vouchers to buy expensive lingerie. Whenever she meets anybody, however random, she tries to play matchmaker and she asks them if they know anyone to set me up with. It causes me huge embarrassment and
humiliation but she continues to do this at every opportunity. She insists any worthy partner must have their own property and she is obsessed with me meeting and marrying a doctor. I have gotten into the habit of reporting any interaction I have with other people (friends or men I have dated) to her verbatim.

She buys me all my clothes and she also won’t let me travel on public transport because of the pandemic and insists my elderly father ferry me around everywhere. She says that some women are born to be driven, and I somewhat fear this attitude has rubbed off on me.

My brother lives his own life and my parents have withdrawn every sort of support from him as a result and treat him like a traitor.

She doesn’t do anything for herself and says I should be grateful for her self sacrifice and protection. She insists that she does all this because I have "nobody" in my life i.e a partner. She says that we are best friends. Before the pandemic she lavished me with holidays because she says I have no one else to go with, and always made a point to exclude my brother.

Unfortunately I realise I have now become very dependent on her for financial, emotional and social support through the years, but I feel this is because she has intruded in my life and I can now see no way of pushing back without causing offence or being cut off.

I have gotten into the habit of needing her approval for everything, to the extent that I don’t see myself as my own person anymore. I have very low self esteem and feel this is largely as a result of her meddling and interference in my life. How I can improve my relationship with my mother? People write about boundaries, but in my case how do I practically start to implement them? If I build them too abruptly I am worried it will be too obvious. Do you have advice for a gently gently approach? I love her dearly, but something needs to change.
I am a 42 year old woman by the way.

If your parents buy you a flat it's not a step towards independence. You will owe them continually.

You have a choice. Continue this life where your mum decides everything for you, she'll decorate your flat, choose your boyfriends, not allow you to jump on a bus (you're 42 ffs) and buy your clothes.

Or, you say no to this crazy life and fund your own housing, even if that means renting and live your own life with limited contact to your mum.

Who has been paying for where you live now? Do you pay mortgage or rent? If not, do you have savings you could use as a deposit?

Well, I'd certainly put a considerable sum of money on it not being the OP's.

This!

I'm sorry, but you've allowed this to happen. You have. Where has your backbone been all your adult life?! Why haven't you 'been able' to find and keep a permanent job in London? If anywhere there's jobs in London- all sorts of jobs. We are NOT living in the 1950s- get on your own, two feet.

I despair when I hear stories like these.

Don't give her your new address for a start. Contact her only as and when you want-get a new phone number if you can.

I think the difficulty is you've been facilitated to live in central London and to be able to take and leave jobs ...

Most people couldn't dream of that. And in order to be independent you are going to have to accept a drastic drop in your living standards.

Essentially you are 20 years behind where you might be had you been supporting yourself and building things up since you were 22.

Now if you are to be independent you will have to accept the living standards of a 22 year old. That is very painful to see those lost years and to accept a reduction in circumstances.

Im not surprised you're heartbroken at losing a central London flat - chances are you will never be able to afford that yourself.

However if you can face these painful losses and disappointments, there is a significant upside gain - the joy of feeling that you support yourself, in however small a way that has to be.

Hi there, I broke contact with my own mother a few years ago after some pretty terrible stuff happened I am now back in contact with her but it is on my terms, not hers, I grew up with my Mum pretty much manipulating me over everything I did from the friends I made at school (they all had to come from a designated posh area so ie no friends living in a council house) but we lived in a council house ourselves! She meddled in my exam choices saying ooh you won't be any good at that, you won't like being a Nurse, vet, or shop assistant I ended up being a cleaner much to her disappointment. I grew up unable to try anything new I wanted to do something different it had to meet her approval. I retrained at the age of 44 years I am now a qualified nursery nurse only happened as I broke contact. I ended up in a marriage I didn't want all orchestrated by her even after telling her I didn't want it. I was a single Mum living on £90 a week I felt beholden to my Mum as she helped out with baby stuff financially I got divorced in the end and eventually met and remarried a kind loving man Anyway I have anxiety now and low confidence but I am improving the thing is breaking contact is the best thing I ever did it allowed me to be free as a person to make my own decisions. You won't actually feel like you can do it when you are living in the situation. Stop letting her help you financially it gives her a hold over you be very vague with plans don't tell her anything she doesn't need to know who you are meeting etc just ignore the question. You can do this Mum might go batshit crazy to start with but don't fall for it. There is a way out of this situation and only you can do it.Best of luck X🙂

My god, I thought you were going to be in your early twenties. She has entirely robbed you of your life.

It is all totally fucked but this bit is particularly twisted.

She demands information and details about our relationship and she even buys me vouchers to buy expensive lingerie

This is utterly messed up. But I fear you’ve been robbed of the capacity to disentangle yourself from this Freudian shitshow.

Your poor brother. You’re honest but you don’t come across particularly well. I know it’s you’re parents’ doing in the main but you have to take some responsibility now for being a 42-year-old princess.

Your*

Good god. My mother would be proud of what your mother has achieved. She’d love that level of control over my sister and me. Especially me as I have the grandchildren, although their father isn’t the sought after doctor she wanted (even the details are the same).

We both broke away in our twenties and key is refusing to take any more money. Once we were supporting ourselves she no longer had control. I see you still want their money to pay for your new flat and are moving closer to your parents, so you will never be free.

Your mum buying you a house outright and relocating you to your hometown closer to be her... Sounds like the complete opposite of a step toward independence.

She demands information and details about our relationship and she even buys me vouchers to buy expensive lingerie

OP I really think that once you're in your new place you need to get some counselling as this is really, really messed up.

Massively.

She isn't just living through you, she's controlling you.

And her abusive behaviour extends to your poor brother who is being made complicit in her control of you, then scapegoated when he says enough is enough.

You need some (solo!!) counselling to unravel this dynamic and make your own life.

I feel so bad for your brother, and his partner if he has one.

Are you currently living in a flat part owned at least by your family, Op?

Op you know what the answer is. You have very clear insight in to the issues.

"I think this is partly down to me accepting her financial support"

^^ You know what you have to do!

Accept you are going to be worse off financially, distance yourself, start making decisions for yourself, stand on your own two feet, be prepared to face rejection from your parents. It won't be easy but you will have self respect and independence! You should have done this at least a decade ago.

It will be harder now you are older. There must be some aspects of being dependent on your parents that are comfortable for you. But you are engaged in a Faustian pact which will end in psychological misery for you! Can you seek the support of friends or a licensed psychologist to help you through this difficult period?

I have seen so many lives ruined by overbearing mothers (sorry if this seems sexist but that has been my lived experience!) My bil had a similar relationship with his mother and he and his siblings all ended up with quite serious mh issues. A childhood friend was dominated by her mother after the mother was divorced. She definitely lived her life vicariously through her child and ended up driving her away. And another woman I knew dominated the life of her children because she was bored, highly intelligent, and was not getting her emotional needs met by her apathetic husband, whom she dominated too. The son got away but the daughter only thrived after her parents had died.

Your mother sounds like a bully. Her buying you lingerie when you are in a relationship is wildly inappropriate. She has no boundaries so now it's up to you to put them in place. You need to be be prepared to be lonely and perhaps move away to a different area, you certainly need to stop sharing intimate details of your life.

I'm sorry you are facing this op. It's a horribly hard situation to be in. It's not your fault because up to now you have been subject to FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) which is a form of brain washing. You need to be very strong and harden your heart and extract yourself. You could try and reframe it in your mind as being kind to your future self? Sending lots of strength

To put it bluntly this is clearly abuse and to make it stop u need to move away and be independent with living in a home that u haven't 100% paid for. If you continue allowing her to be this in control of your life, u will continuing not having a life. I'm sorry this is happening to you . Living in Central London mortgage free in 40s isn't a typical thing for most people. If the conditions of living that life is you have no life, is it really worth that? I think u know answer

*By living in a home that U HAVE paid for

I suspect the house will be the mum's house. She will buy it in her name and OP will not be the owner or part owner.

I think this hits the nail on this head.

It's a Faustian pact. You don't need to worry too much about supporting yourself or all the ordinary stresses of adulthood. But in return you have no sense of self or your own life.

It's not worth it OP. Better to rent a crappy bedsit and have your own life.

You say that you'd like to put some boundaries in place.
That's a good start, however, you will not be able to if you move closer Ito her in a property that she has bought.

You will be forever beholden to her as she will, in effect, have bought you.

She will forever dangle her help in front of you and you will continue to feel guilt.

I'm a bit concerned that you can't see the trap that you're heading towards.

Re implementing boundaries that are not "obvious" - this can't happen.

If you set a boundary with someone they will probably be upset to a lesser or greater degree. You can't set a boundary which isn't noticed! Or it is not a boundary.

Just because your mother would be very upset with you for setting your boundaries does not mean it is wrong. Those are her feelings to manage and tolerate.

You can't go through life not setting any boundaries in case it upsets your mother!

I visited a family grave earlier and my eye was caught by a headstone with details of a woman who had died in her forties. She was defined as a loving and caring daughter who had tended to her parents.It sent a chill through me, you need to further define yourself beyond being a daughter.

This was quite spooky to read as you sound exactly like my partner's sister. She is the golden child, was pushed through to uni and steered into her career, every minor achievement always lauded over him and never shares in his accomplishments. My partner is treated like 'the traitor' like you describe your brother simply for being his own person and not putting up with that narcissistic toxic soup of a dynamic. He's actually so kind and caring. Unfortunately I have little sympathy for someone who doesn't have the backbone to stand up for their siblings who are mistreated and just 'wah' their way through life because they've had too much of a silver spoon. Although I say this with my partner's sister in mind I don't know your dynamic. My partner, despite his sister being a mini-narc clone of his mum, would still be open to a relationship with her but she's too far under his mum's thumb. It's an easy fix - give up the benefits of being in the clutches of a narc and blossom into your own person or enjoy your spoils and continue selling your soul and life away lol.

YABU for allowing your mother to control your life at 42. Time to cut those apron strings and become more independent. Start by not involving her in the minutiae of your life. Sounds like you are codependant, it’s not healthy, nor is being in her pocket financially. Control your own money, your own clothes and your own life. It’s not too late.

Fiercelion is a strange name for a cowardly custard! Nobody, outside of an old Bette Davis movie, reaches the age of 42 and wonders if their obviously controlling mummy is perhaps living vicariously through them, while rolling about getting lifts from daddy and dwellings and (under)clothes purchased for them. Surely?

I think this is partly down to me accepting her financial support.

Ya think?!

@fiercelion i think you know the answer tk your question ie what you have to do.

The question is are you willing to pay the price or are you too accustomed to the money and gifts she showers on you in exchange for taking over your life.